Awhile more to go..it's getting tougher and tougher..with so many things..
the stress is crazy..
but hang in there..hang in there..
and then i can be proud to say i survived it..
the toughest lap ever..

Today's the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton..

and i always thought why is that ahgong's name William as well..
when we were tgt,i didnt rly mind..
because it rly made it even more like a dream come true,fate..
when at sotong outing at barrage last yr,sy saw tt screen saver..
and asked who..the rest were shocked smhw and started asking..
when she heard his name is William..
and the first thing she said,was prince william..
jean and o they all gave me tt nick,gongzhu,even before i met him..
and when we started having sth,they also started the prince william thing..
and someone told me before,the meaning of the name sarah..princess..

i rmb the first outing tt ahgong heard them calling me gongzhu..
then the nx day when we were msging,he copied them and called me tt too..
and when we started talking on the ph,he tried to called me so many names,other than ahpoh..and gongzhu was one of it too..
everything and everything made it seem like such a sweet dream coming true..
making me believe in fate..
but now,i wished my name isnt sarah..and his name isnt william..
so tt time i would have been less happy about our meeting,and now,feel less hurt,somehow..
because that dream was so shortlived,and end up turning into my worst nightmare..

but he posted before..
half the day disappeared just like that.it will happen again. That nightmare. That dream.4yrs ain't short.
what did he mean with that..
that nightmare,that dream will happen again??
it wasnt his nightmare,he wasnt hurt..it was mine..
but that dream,he's saying our dream..or rather my dream will happen again?
i always wish and think he's saying about that dream we shared,our dream..
will it rly happen again when things are like this now..
will it rly happen again when he posted that and still did all those stuff..
and i guess my that dream will never be the same anymore..
or rather,maybe i won't believe in dreams anymore..

ytd manman and kengx were saying if they are attached,they wont bring him home so fast..will hide first..
but manman said she'll have difficulty doing it,cux she'll be so guilty infront of parents and may not hide it well..

and i rmb i had difficulty hiding too..
i rmb we keep going out tt time..until i have to come up with silly reasons for going out..
like tt first time tt ahgong asked to go out on tt random night..
it was mooncake festival..
so i told mum going out celeb mooncake festival,play lanterns with office clique..
when actually it was just tt ahgong and we wanted go barrage..
the first time out for movie..i told mum was going to watch this movie w fren,cux lecturer told us to watch..said going to watch wall street,but we actually watched my darling is a foreigner..
then the day we started..met ahgong for late dinner at chomp..
but i told mum going chalet,so i could stay out later..
then ended up mum called me and spoke to me v suspiciously and abit angry telling me to behave myself..
still asked for the chalet num and wanted go..dumbdumb..luckily she didnt..
cause she heard tt it was so quiet when i'm supposed to be at a chalet..
but actually we were sitting at the bench below my house..
then i got so scared,tt we changed bench since from there can see those cars driving in..
and aft tt i still had to msg jean and ask her help me,if my mum ask,tell her i was with her at chalet..
i cant forget tt i told her i was with him..and we gt tgt..
and she replied..congratulations in caps..so happy and excited for me..
and i was smiling looking at her msg..
ended up..

i didnt even got a chance to tell mum properly..tt i'm going out w bf,w tt
ahgong..so i didnt have to come up with silly reasons..
i didnt even got a chance to tell mum who's that 'mm mm' guy she called him,what's his name..
whole family dont know,seems like a dark secret..
even aunt also dont know,not knowing that the 'handsome guy' that i said wanted to slowly find..was actually refering to tt ahgong bf..

thought of what tt ahgong said of not bringing parents in first..
and i didnt mind..
even though mum and aunt were suspecting..esp when mum always see me on the ph w him..
it was quite 'fun' actually for them to suspect like this..and i was so happy infront of them everyday,denying when they asked..
and i thought aft some time,then i can give them a surprise..
just bringing tt ahgong go grandma house for dinner one random day and i cant imagine their reactions..
but i know they'll all be happy and plesased to see him,tt ahgong..
i was really looking forward to that day,but it never got to happen..
we didnt even come close..
i also thought how it'll be like when i see his parents..when he asked me smhw,saying they're so strict,how..
so so far away from all those thoughts..
just so silly to have thought so much so fast..
when i thought that ahgong thought further..

just saw tt ahgong commenting on sth..and he repeated his words..
like dunno dunno..
and i rmb i used to repeat my words when i talked to him on the ph..
and tt ahgong would always tease me about it..
but aft some time he also did that..and i teased him back..
like tt random night he asked,u free u free u free..??
and i replied with repeated words also..
sometimes i'm reminded of these memories,i can still smile at it,how happy i was..
feeling that i was really lucky..
but sometimes,crazy tears inside..
because of how much i miss those times,miss that ahgong..
because of how i think of why things are different now and that nightmare..


auntie vic told me she read my post and teared..
saying she know going places tt we've been there tgt will remind me of the things..
how she feel the same way too because of her incident..and it's already hurting her so much,when it's just friendship..and mine is..
she still said think he's ben xing isnt bad..
i always thought he cant be tt bad a guy inside..because of so many things..
so izzit like what others say,that he just want to play at this age,now..
cux it seems like he was playing w her,maybe..
playing me also..??it didnt seem like..if not he rly wont have to go to the extent to think so much,ask so much,so stressed about it..and..but i rly dunno..

and i thought i didnt have to go to places to be reminded,because we started below my house,and he walked me home also..and everytime i walk by tt bench,those places..
tt pain in the heart is just so crazy..
and next time when i move to chomp..
those happy happy memories there..
the unforgettable bus ride..
esp rmb how we crossed the road..tt ahgong so careful,bringing tt ahpoh..
the table we sat at,those food we shared..looking at tt ahgong hungrily eating,wanting to feed me his noodles,helping me finish up my drink..
those images are still in my head,clearly..
what am i going to do,when i move there next time..
and will always have to take that bus we took tgt..

and i replied auntie vic..saying her msg made me teared..so funny..hahax..
because i thought now at least someone who have been thru something similar..
can rly rly understand how it feels,how pain it is..
because my frens around me mostly arent attached,and never went thru things like this,be it,for friendship or love..
so that time i always thought they must have think that i'm so silly and dumb to be so affected and everything..
they say they know how it feels like,maybe they do,can imagine the pain..
but i guess one rly have to go through it to rly rly undstd..

auntie vic,i know you have a scar inside too..
and i guess it is almost as bad as mine..
but we can do it tgt..slowly..=)

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