finally its the last day of jan,my bday month..
jan'11..a special jan w five saturdays,five sundays,five mondays..
just like in oct'10..it had 5 fridays,5 saturdays and 5 sundays..
and i thought oct'10 would be the most special,memorable oct of my life..

first time,it seems like the longest and worst bday month ever..
and i really hope that this would be the last.

thankfuly,because of my great friends and family..
i somehow survived through this crazy month..so tired..
with all the celebrations..
i know i didnt really have a happy birthday..
and the smiles they see are those that i've practiced over and over again..
but i just have to thank them all..my dearest friends and family..
and i just feel so fortunate..
if not for them..i really don't know how would i have hang on for so long,and also continue to do it..
it was for my family,my friends..
to be better and be well for those that matter..

photos that will remind us,and 'keep' those memories...
that will capture that particular one moment in time,of our life..
be it good or bad..
those memories,that will always be there forever..

i know that ah gong likes photography..
but i guess he didnt know that ah poh know..
and i guess that ah gong didnt know that ah poh likes it too..
that ah poh thought she could tell him one day,and it'll be our common interest..
that ah poh was just so silly..


















yet another night,lying on the bed,turning and turning..
and when i get to sleep,end up having weird dreams..

was studying and saw my notes,those from the beginning of yr2..
the time when we somehow started having outings in grp,and then just the 2 of us..and then gt tgt..
and i saw what noobie wrote on my notes..

stpy wywy..stwy..
our initials..
she wrote it aft tt time seeing us going out that first time..
and i rmb i was smiling when i saw what she wrote..how happy i was in lecture..
and i rmb she said that ah gong was not bad looking,from far because she saw from a distance..and i said so only from far..?
and i rmb how happy i was that period of time..so happy..
we were so happy..that ah gong and ah poh..
and i really miss those times so much..it was really one of the most sweet,memorable times of my life..
why cant we go back to those times i still clearly rmb..that i really miss..that i really love to be..

and i think of what's happening now..
i've always think and think..but still have not get any answers..
what did i do to have to go through all these..to have to be treated like this..
and it pains me so much to think of it..
they all say its a lesson..to be learnt..for me to see the real world..to accept that's life..
but i guess i can see the real world in other ways..
why such a lesson,why in such a way..when i though we were both so serious..when i really wanted to put my heart into it..
and it's not fun playing with it..
when did i ever do anything wrong..because what goes around come around..
what wrong did i do to have to deserve all these..
why..
why is he happier with her??so fast..?
i guess his status..he's waiting for her call..

one more week..
and that ah gong will be gone forever..
and he still have not said,explained anything..
and this will just remain the biggest joke of my life..

when it was such a sweet dream..
what did we do..

met kengx for dinner in town..
ramen..
the last time i had ramen was with that ah gong..
that glutton ah gong..
that always got so easily hungry..
even in the middle of the night,halfway through talking on the ph..ordering mac delivery..

that first time out..
eating ramen at santouka,cuppage..santouka,the place where few sotongs work in clarke quay outlet..
eating that ah gong's fav jap food..
still rmb sitting at that corner cosy 2 seat table..
still rmb it was quite empty..
still rmb tt ah gong didnt have chopsticks..
and i said that dao waitress didnt like him,tt's why didnt give him..
still rmb sitting there,deciding what to eat..
still rmb sitting there,happily talking..rmb what we talked about..
still rmb how that ah gong was playing with my phone,and took tt pic of me..me covering my face..and said it looked artistic..and i've been using it as my desktop bkgrd..
still rmb how that ah gong wanted to step on me or what,but my legs were on the chair's thingy..
still rmb how that ah gong was eating..slurping his noodles..
still rmb how i gave all those cha shu to that ah gong,because i didnt like them..

still rmb how that ah gong said my black watch look like those ns watches..
and i said i like it ah..
and now i always like to wear it,even more..

because it'll smhw remind me of our journey..
i got it on the day i was going for the f1..
the day after we somehow started getting closer,the start of talking on the ph everyday..
it'll just remind me of how we smhw started,how happy i was that f1 prac day..
was on the ph w him the previous day but didnt tell him will be going back the nx day..the day itself went out my mum and aunt,went uncle house to see baby cousin then happily wanting to go back office..
was taking orders for koi at office,wanted order for him,bt o said his stomach nt well,didnt give..and he ended up sick the next day..
so happy at office,at f1 and home talking..
and the next few days..all the way till that first day..

because it'll just remind me of a gentle side of that ah gong..
how at his house,the watch was too loose on my wrist and the watch face was at one corner..
that ah gong saw and took my hand,and helped me adjust it..

it'll really just remind me of that gentle side of that ah gong,those sides of him that i like..that i know,rmb,want to rmb..
and not the him now that i seem to not know of..
or rather getting more and more unfamiliar,scary..

that ah gong always liked to stare at my watches..
the first time big grp outing..
at the tau huey shop..
he had tau huey w those lotus seeds and you tiao some more..glutton ah gong..
he just happened to sit opp me..
was staring at my watch..and i said..it's mickey..
and he smhw said in a sacarstic way,sth like i know its mickey ah..
he seemed so dao..we werent that close..

and i didnt expect that we would get tgt like that..
and of course didnt expect it would all go out of control..


was walking home..
on that pavement to my blk..
and the rain suddenly got heavier..
and i suddenly rmb how that ah gong was walking me home..
didnt want me to walk on the road..
want me walk on that pavement..and he walked on the road..
and i asked him to walk on that pavement too ah..it wasnt tt small..


nightmares..
i hate it..i thought in my sleep i can at least not think about all those..can escape awhile..
but why must it even haunt me when i'm slping..
why must they both appear..
i hate it..
even though its sth about him saying about them not being tgt already..
cant totally rmb everything..just rmb her scolding me or sth..
just rmb it disrupting my slp..make me so scared..almost breaking out in cold sweat if not for the cold weather..
i don't know why it got me so scared..when i didnt do anything wrong..

when can i finally have a good nights sleep..a nice sleep..with the sweetest dream..
like that first day..
where i really was smiling walking home,bathing,talking to him and then going to sleep,smiling all the way..
and waking up smiling also..
seeing that ah gong's msg..

why cant i do that anymore..


it was supposed to be the sweetest dream ever,no one can imagine..
because of such a meeting under those circumstances..and getting tgt like tt,in such a short time..
it was supposed to be the biggest surprise of my life, yet.

and now u're gone,that sweetest dream we shared is gone too..

but why must it seem to have turn into a nightmare i'm so scared of..


my ah ma with uncle and family must be on the plane to korea now..
last year it was us with auntie,cousins and family..
seldom visit dad's mum,ahma..always only w mum's side,popo..
went w sis to visit her just now..
gave her 'hongbao' w korean money and spore money,for her to use when she's there..
although she keep saying dont need,never show her happiness..
but we know she's happy..

keep asking why my sis never come play cards with,ask her to play with her..
i guess it was because of ahma..that madee me like coffee so much..
the whole tan family likes too i guess..
rmb when young,parents working,so often stayed at her house..
and every morn she'll make coffee,black coffee,bec she liked it too..
and she'll give it to me using that small cup i still rmb,always saying we still young,cant drink so much coffee..
and i guess,i somehow still rmb that smell of that kopi o she makes..using that machine..
missing it..
she's getting old..
but still so strong..that ahma that sat w me on a 360 deg turn coaster ride..
but i'm so scared of that day..i hope it'll still be long..


how i wish i can follow along with them too..
how i wish we can go on a holiday again this cny..
so sick of here..
this disgusting place..this scary place..
i'm so sick of it..so tired..
really hate what's happening..what's going on..

but what can i do..
i cant do anything..
i just didnt have the right to make any decision right from the beginning..
i can only and just try so hard to bear with it all and continue to let them do all these to torture me..

why must it happen to me..
when i had so much trust,so much faith in that ah gong..
and he had in me too..'faith in ya..'
when that ah poh didnt do anything wrong..
why..

bro have been 'playing' skype with his friends..
and i hated to see..
because i'll think of how i wanted to learn to use it when that ah gong asked me to promise..
i'll just keep thinking of how that ah gong asked that ah poh to make that promise..
saying we must skype everyday ok..
how that ah poh didnt answer immediately..
and that ah gong was anxiously asking ok ok..must ok..asked me to promise him..
asked me to promise to get angry when he neglects me..so that he can make me happy..
and how that ah gong said he'll be happy to do that..to 哄 that ah poh and make her happy..
and i really found it so funny,'cute' to make such a promise..
but was actually so happy,really happy..

because it showed how that ah gong was really serious about doing it,working it out w ah poh,serious about that ah poh..
that silly ah poh thought that ah gong really wanted to cherish that ah poh,like what his friends said..
and it really showed ah poh that the ah gong was worth it..was someone she wanted,was worth waiting..was worth to be with..
that's why that ah poh didnt want to give up just like that,wanted to cherish such a meeting..
really wanted to cherish that dumb dumb ah gong,so much..


but then what happened..why did it happen..
that's why that ah poh found it so hard to believe,up till now..
and it hurts so much,up till now..




"You’ve got to understand that it took me a lot of courage to make myself come to the realization that everything that I’ve ever wanted and needed is found within you.
And for me to put everything aside again,everything that you once broke, is a remarkable task that took a lot of strength and faith in me.
They say sometimes people put walls up, not because they want to block people out,but because they want to see who cares enough to knock them down.
You know me like no one else does because I never was able to let anyone in, and you don’t even know how glad and thankful I am that I gave you the chance.
You stayed at our best, yet you stuck at it at our worse, and proved to me what truth in love still has.
The sky is the limit and true love really is forever. "


i told that ah gong..
it took me alot alot alot of courage to think through it..
i was so scared since the last..
i thought through so much, 'was it just a dream..'
should i just left it at there..or continue.. be brave..
and tell that ah gong when he asked about that status,somehow confessing..
i muster all the courage i had to do sth like that..
the first time doing sth like that..
and the ah gong didnt know,didnt care how hard it was for that ah poh..
and ended up,bringing hurt to myself,like this..
and ended up,things have to become so crazy,so complicated..
and it doesnt bother them..

it took that much courage for me to say it out..


but i guess it'll take even much more courage for that ah poh to walk the long journey herself now,without that ah gong with her,standing by her..
when that ah gong had said before he'll stand by that ah poh,after that ahpoh had asked him to think again..

why didnt he keep his promises..when that ah gong was the one always asking ah poh to make promises..
when that ah poh thought that to that ah gong,promises meant alot to him..and he'll keep his promises..if not why ask that ah poh to make such promises..

when it was supposed to be our long journey that we wanted so much to walk together..
and be there for each other..

"to be better and to be well for those that matter..faith in ya."

what did it mean..
what did that ah gong mean..


another whole day out.
how i wish everyday is like that and it would be so good.
stop thinking for just a moment..
went to guan yin temple w mum and aunt..
studied at starbucks waiting for sotong..and coffee bean w aunt at night again..and thought if only..
havent been to temple for quite some time..
so woke up early to go w them..
wishing that everything will go well this year,for my family and friends..
esp sotong shing and his dad..
and also for myself,that hopefully this year will be better..
and i will slowly 'recover'..

and yes,i was silly to even wish that everything will go well for tt ah gong..
for him to have a safe trip,and everything will be ok when he's there..
so dumb..

when we got tgt,that ah poh had thought so much,thought so far..
thought she would be able to nag at that ah gong when he's there,when we skype everyday..
but now i cant..

nagging at him to have proper meals..to cook and eat well since its exp to eat out there..
even thought of finding nice and easy recipes and make into a scrapbook for him..so he can cook..
so he can take good care of himself over there..and not get sick so easily..
wanted to nag at that ah gong to not smoke so much..esp when he's stressed..
wanted to nag at that ah gong to not drink so much..
how he always got so red aft just drinking a little..and like almost drunk..
wanted to nag at him,like last time,when he's sick..
to take his medicine,not to eat ice cream..not to go starbucks,mc is for him to stay home and not go out..
and how that ah gong was so guai to listen to that ah poh..
even when he said that ah poh was naggy..even when he said not listening,just reading..but that ah gong still said he listened,in the end..
wanted to nag at him to not study so hard and forget to take care of himself,dont always slp so late..
wanted to nag at him,to 'take care' of him..
wanted to be by that ah gong and pei him and wanted that ah gong to stand by that ah poh..
and walk this long journey together,live the dream we shared together..
and the journey would have been so much easier and meaningful..
and it would be the most beautiful dream coming true..

that ah poh was so silly to have thought so much,so far..but that ah gong didnt know..
that ah poh thought so much,beacause she was so happy,she thought that ah gong was really serious about it,thought so far..
beacuse of how he asked if i'll wait,even before we got tgt..and all the things he said..
she thought that ah gong was it..
that's why that ah poh muster so much courage to tell him what i felt,when he asked about my status..
that's why she thought so much..wanting to do so much with that ah gong..

that ah poh didnt tell all these to that ah gong..
didnt want him to know..didnt want to stress him further..
didnt want him to know how tt ah poh was actually so serious about it..

just still 'easily' told him to think again,and again..and acting as if it was so easy to ask..
so easy to ask someone u like to consider again,ask him to think whether we should walk away from each other..
or rather 'asking him to consider walking away from me'..
when that ah poh really wanted that ah gong to fulfill his promise to stand by her..
when that ah poh really wanted to stand by that ah gong,and pei him,too..

all those things i wanted to do,i never ever got to tell him..
and he wouldnt know,forever..
and it won't mean anything to him,anyway..

if it did,then he wouldnt have did such a thing.

i guess to him,it just shows how silly and stupid i was..



sotong shing is so strong..so strong until not all sotongs know about what happened..
so much stronger than me when her situation is so much more crazier than me..
sotong shing was with me all the way, trying so hard to cheer me up that period of time..
was like auntie vicky,keep telling me, that we should try,try and try..and not give up like tt..
how both of them saying can go with me to aust for hols,and i can visit him too..
and i just said i want to,so much wanted to try..but it wasnt up to me..
and when she know he didnt want to try anymore..
she just kept explaining to me..like what he said..
how he tried before..that's y he know how it'll be like..
sotong shing likes to eat..trying to cheer me up..using eating buffet as example..
saying if one tried before a buffet that wasnt nice..we wouldnt go back for a second time ah..
just like how he tried long dist before,he know it wouldnt be easy..that's why he didnt want to try,scared,to hurt me in the end..

but things wasnt what we all thought ah..
and somehow aft sometime,shing thought maybe what they say about them was true,when at tt time it wasnt rly cfm,and i still didnt believe..
i still cont to tell her it's not..it cant be..
and how shing thought i was angry because of the things she said..
time to time,she'll just msg and check on me..
and use all ways to msg funny stuff,trying to cheer me up..ask me smile..
and i was really glad and thankful to have met sotongs,in jc..in tt place where ppl said was hard to find true and good frens..


and now,i really don't know how to help her..i cant do much..
i cant be like her explaining,to her why her dad have to go through sth like this..
it cant be explained.this is really life.it's all predestined,life and death.
yes,death,something we all have to face someday..
but isnt it abit too early for her dad..

when her daughter is already in her final year,final lap in uni..
when he can really see and be comforted and proud of her daughter..
when he can really start enjoying life a little and have her daughter helping him lessen the burden,providing for him..

why did it have to happen to him..
when he didnt drink,smoke..
when he's a good dad..
when they have a happy family..

why..
why did it all happen so suddenly..
why must bad things happen to good people..
when they didnt do anything wrong..

why do we deserve a joke like this..
it's not funny at all..


they went all the way overseas and thought there was a suitable treatment..
when there was a glimpse of hope..the door was closed upon them again..

why.
the docs said the risk was too great and didnt want to accept their case..
then back in spore,the doc said they cant do anything anymore..
chemo can only delay..cant cure..it was spreading all over and it's the last stage already..
he'll go anytime..
why did they just give up like that and not do anything..not take the risk to try out that only one treatment..
why did they just wait like that..and not do anything at all..

why did this have to happen to them,in the first place..

why cant we do anything to help them..
i can only ask shing how is she..ask her to be strong..
and she'll just say she's fine..showing me a smiley face..
when i really know how she's feeling..
saying fine when she's not..smiling when it's just a facade to not let us worry..
i know how hard it is,for her..but there's really nth much for us to do..
i've been going through it too..
but i guess she's so much stonger than me..so much more stronger...

if i were her..i know i'll really collapse..

and i guess the only thing we can do know..
is hoping and praying for miracles..

that song auntie vic asked me to listen,that gave me so much strength,faith and pulled me through my alvls period..
and that period..i was listening to that again..and nothing's gonna change my love for you..
too silly.

i can only help sotong pray and wish that somehow,maybe a miracle will happen..
JIAYOUS SOTONG SHING,WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE..

"...There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way clear through the rain .."



i hate signing in to that place now..fb..
it's so disgusting..
it's so scary..
i hate it..

it was supposed to be where we somehow started..

why did it have to become such a scary place like this now..
why did that ah gong have to make it like this..how can he..
why did they have to make it like this..
why does she seem to mean so much more to that ah gong..
how did it happen..how could it..why her..


what exactly was that ah poh???
nothing..

when they should know i can see..
why doesnt it bother them at all..

but it bothers me so much..
but i just cant delete..


You found me.
The Fray

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything"

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
[ The Fray Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want!

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?

that letter i sent long ago,did u get it..
or did u not even see..
why didn't you say anything,explain anything..

why did i find you..
why did you find me..
why did we have to meet..
why did fate let us meet and not make the meeting a meaningful one..
why did fate play a joke on us,to let us meet like this and let such a thing happen..


"I don’t know what it is about you,
maybe it’s the way nothing else matters when we’re talking,
or how you make me smile more than anyone else has.
It could be the way that you say the exact right thing and at exactly the right time,but whatever it is,
I just want you to know that it means everything to me. "


it was a thursday.ard this time.

ag:u free u free u free?
ap:y leh y leh y leh?
ag:asking lo..wanna wanna go out for awhile?
ap:them?
ag:no only me and u.

that was the first time that ah gong asked..
i rmb i was in the toilet about to bathe..
and he suddenly msged..i saw and was smwh shocked..
but was really really happy..anxiously replying..

wanted to go barrage but realised had the f1 stuff..
ended up talking on the ph for so long..
when tt day was somehow the first day,the start of the talking on the ph everyday..
it was like we knew each other for so long to be able to hang on to the ph like that..and he even sang and played guitar over the ph..
it seems like we were best friends,so close..when we only just knew each other barely for about one mth..and wasnt tt close at the beginning,and only got closer like maybe for one wk or two before tt..

it's so funny..

yes,after all that have happened..
i should be bringing him down..
and not putting him so high up on the pedestal..

i should be bringing him down like what all my friends are doing..
scolding and scolding him and saying that's how he really is..
when i always hear them scolding..i just kept quiet..i couldnt even scold..
i didnt like to hear them saying,scolding him..
but i know it's natural for them to feel that way..
and i know i should too..
but i just cant..
just cannot bear to scold that ah gong,even when he's done all these..to that ah poh..

all i could do..
was remembering all those times we had tgt..it's all still so clear,seems like ytd..
was remembering that the ah gong isnt like this..cant be like this..
wanting to move on with those good memories..
and not moving on with that of what that ah gong actually did to ah poh..

how i wish that he had a memory loss..he forgot about that ah poh..
that's why he could do this to that ah poh..
when everything is still so clear..not so long ago..
and one day when he regains his memory..

i guess they arent tgt anymore..
but was it because he regain his memory??and felt guilty..that's why he didnt cont..
or was it just because she did sth wrong..or he saw how she really is..
i wonder and wonder why did he give up so easily..when he should have seriously considered about it before..then decided to choose her and knowing he have to hurt that ah poh like this..

so,was it because he really felt bad,felt guilty,and that ah poh still exist somewhere..??

if it is,then why isnt he telling that ah poh the truth,what exactly happened..

how i wish i can really read minds..and i don't have to be like this now..
and i can get all the answers i want..
and not worrying that if i asked him,will he really tell me the truth..

thinking and thinking..
what exactly was that ah gong thinking all these time..
why was that faith so easily gone..or did it ever exist..
when i was at his house..
what was he thinking..
when he was holding my hands and ask me not to let go..
when he asked if i really wanted to try..
when he hugged me..
when he said if we met earlier,he'll choose...
what was he thinking,when he did all that,said all that..

if what they say was true..that they had sth since so long ago and not only just recently..
then how could he have done all that..
what was he thinking..
what was he thinking..
what was he thinking..

because that ah poh wasnt it..and that's why that ah poh didnt mean anything at all,to that ah gong..
that's why he could do it??


grandma went back to ipoh tdy for visiting and spending cny there..
and i was thinking..i should have went with her..
i need a holiday so badly..
to get away from this crazy place for even just awhile will do..
have been going overseas every cny since like pri sch..??
rmb always didnt get to see those cny celeb in sch..
but this year..first time not going anywhere..
why this year..when i need one holiday so badly..


jean's leaving for her 1 yr beijing internship soon..
met up w her and shir for dinner..
4 of us were supposed to be so close,tt working period..
but now..3 of us,without o..
because they slowly,somehow got angry and pissed w her..
since tt time while we were still working..
i was still telling them..this is her character..she's like that de..
we know her..she's our friend..so just bear with it ah..
why strain the friendship like this..
so they all just bear with it..

until now..they all just cant stand her anymore..
and i cant do anything..but just feel so bad..
i'm not angry with her or what..
i just don't know how to face her because of that incident..
because of how she was telling me about how she think he is really like..
and how it turns out to be like now..and i just feel so ashamed of myself..
just don't know how to face her..what to say to her..
cause i just feel so silly and dumb infront of her..

and how jean is angry at her also because of that incident..
how she kept checking on me randomly..asking me stuff..
asking if i still believed him..
and i said it was supposed to be over already..
so what if i believe him,so what if i don't..he decided and there's nth i can do..
and i asked her why she suddenly asked that..is it bout the 2 of them..
because i know she must have her reasons for suddenly asking me tt..
but she just said nth..nth..and nth..

and when jean just so happened to see a fren and heard about it,so coincidentally not long aft o ask me that..
and i wonder and wonder..why did jean get to meet that fren like tt and him telling her so much..
wonder if jean meeting the fren was 'specially arranged' by god..
to want me know the truth..and i thought will it be better if i didnt know..

after tt meeting,jean then undstd why o asked me that..and it took her sm time before she decided to tell me..bec she know i believed in him so much..
and jean was angry bec o knew about it..but just didnt tell me..instead,just ask me those qns..
i know o just didnt want me to get hurt some more..tt's why didnt want to say..
but jean thought if she didnt want me to get hurt further..then she shouldnt have asked sth like that..
when she shd know i definitely would think what happened..for her to ask me that..
that's why jean got even more angry with her..and i feel bad for that too..
because i know o meant well somehow..

and then she called again recently,and said how she heard that i know about them..
and i was wondering..how would she know..that i know about them..
when jean couldnt have told her..how did she know..or was there anything going ard in office..cant be..just don't understand what's happening..
why did she ask me that..
first she didnt want to tell me,then now when i know..she asks me..

what am i to say??
yes..i know..
yes..i was stupid to have believed in that ah gong so much??
yes..you were correct about him right from the beginning??


and i could only say..
it doesnt bother me anymore what they want to do..


when i know that was so fake..
so fake..
i couldnt have got over it so fast..
when i thought of that ah gong everyday,when i always wanted to wait..

it bothered me so much..haunted me so much..
it was killing me..when i heard about it..
i was holding on to that ph,shaking..
i said i was ok,and jean knew i wasnt,didnt want to hang up..
wanted to come over..but i told her not to..later my parents will know..
i could only lock myself in the room..and hide under that blanket..and hide those swollen eyes..
it was so crazy..so scary..
i felt so er xin..
i felt like i was living in a world of lies they created for me..
i felt so dumb,so stupid,so silly..


and i've never have to feel all that before..never.
never felt so xin ku before..
why did i have to hear all that..
it's so disgusting..


because of all that..and so many other things..
that's why jean and shir didnt want to talk to her anymore..
and for me,i'm not angry at her,never blame her for asking me things and not telling me when she knew about it..
i just really really really don't know how to face her..i'm so scared to look like a fool infront of her..
and some frens in office..how i'm so scared to face them too..
i don't know if they know anything..but i guess some do..
and i wonder,what do they really know..
to them,am i like the real baddie,not her..
i don't know..


was waiting at that bus stop..waiting for that same bus to bishan mrt..
that same journey on that day,my fren's bday..
that day where that ah gong could hear and notice sth was wrong on the ph..

was sitting there waiting..
and rmb how i was sitting there too,and that ah gong called aft wk tt day..
and asked how i was going..
and he asked why i sounded so sianx..and i just said i was tired..
but he somehow knew i was nt happy..and said sry,told me why he didnt reply..

bec i msged him in the morn tt day..because tt ah gong came up with a 'punishment'..
how i didnt go find him when i went back to office..only tapped him when leaving..
then he came up with a silly punishment..
saying that ah poh shd msg him for 5 days,everyday,when she wakes up..

i msged that morn..bt he didnt reply because his phone lag..until aft wk..
and i rmb sitting on the sofa doing my tut..and was waiting and waiting..
but he just didnt reply..and i was worried if he gt so stressed at work,wondering what happened..
until aft wk,when his ph got all the msges..he talked to me..
heard sth was wrong..and kept explaining..

at tt time,we haven't known each other that long,and only just started talking on the ph for a few days..
but he could hear sth was wrong just like that..


i thought of how he explained..msging to say sry..hw we were msging beside each other..
even msging and asked him if he wanted ice cream..
and nudging,staring at each other,smiling..
and then act as if nth was happening,infront of frens..
and all the things he said..
and how happy i was actually..

i thought of how when we were still there sitting ard,how he msged again to ask if i was going to cont to stay out w them..
whether i was tired..
i thought of how frens were there and i was paiseh to ask him if he wanted to go too..
bec i know he was waiting to go off w me and i just walk off myself..
how my fren was scolding me..saying u noe he's waiting for u..why leave yourself..
i said everybody's there,i can go myself and walked away..
bt he came and left w me to take cab..and others smhw saw,knew..
how he cont to say sry..talking on the cab home..how he funnily ask if i was 'inside' the house already..
how he reached home le bt forgot to msg straight..then say sry..i said nvm..but he said hw can nvm!
and we cont to talk again..

i thought of that ah gong..how he was like..how i knew him to be..
and yes,tears inside..

i hate myself for being so useless.

orchard again.starbucks coffee again.that stretch of orchard road from hard rock..
and i can rmb how we were walking and talking,how that ah gong was holding on to my file and holding that big bag of breadtalk bread..
when he was buying bread,wanted to tell him i worked there before..
thought next time can tell him,but i never ever got the chance to tell him..and ask about what he worked before..

was sitting at the starbucks staring at that road,thinking..
and jean was asking shir if she got over her ex already..
she said yes..
and then shir asked me..
and i smiled..and said was it even considered as one??
when i know inside,it was..
and i know..i haven't get over it..
how shir was saying she saw them in office before..
what were they doing..standing there talking..and how they seem to have sm prob..
we were having porridge but i just lost my appetite..
when i heard it,felt so er xin..

thinking of how they did it..how that ah gong could do it..
why.


"Have you ever been angry or sad,to the point where you just break down at home, in your room?
Your parents don’t know because you keep the tears to yourself,and you cry silently.
Your friends don’t know because you talk as if you’re fine and dandy behind the computer screen.
Well you’re not fine and dandy, and you know it.
No one really knows how you feel,and they have their own lives to deal with,so you don’t bother telling them,you bottle it up, and store it with the other problems or troubles. "


"We’re so good at fooling people.
We’re great at acting like we’re okay,that we haven’t a single worry in the world.
We have a smile that we’ve practiced over and over…
so many times that we don’t even remember what our real smile looks like.
Sometimes I wonder if we’ve fooled ourselves, too.
Maybe we can convince ourselves that we’re “fine.”
Maybe after repeating that word constantly,like a broken record, we come to believe it.
Maybe the pain was never really there…maybe it’s normal to feel empty.
But then, maybe we’re wrong. "


Saw these quotes all from some website..
and how reflective and true it all seems to be..
i guess i getting used to that smile i've practiced over and over..
trying so hard to force it out for the past few months..
that's why its getting easier and easier..
that's why it now seems like that old smile..

but deep inside,no one can see,no one know how it feels like..
that inside..it's still so bruised..still hurting so much..
we're so used to it,we may not just have fooled ourself,but also people around us..
they all think that it's been soooo long,time would have done all the work..

but what can time do..
it just continue to pass,even if we just stood still at that same spot..
it just wouldnt wait for us..
wouldnt let me go back to that place i'd love to be..
wouldnt let me,let us undo the mistake..
wouldnt let us go back..
back to where that ah gong and ah poh can rly decide tgt to walk this long journey together..
and not stucked right here..when we want so much to move on..but is finding so hard to move on..
without that ah gong standing by that ah poh..

if time cant stop and its still moving on..
why at that point in time,where the 4 yrs barrier became our first worry,first obstacle..
why didnt time pass faster..to 4 years later..
even letting us take a peek will do,and we'll know what will happen..

will that ah gong have done what he said..
if we were both single..he'll come aft tt ah poh..
and i know if it happens,that ah poh will say yes..
will still want to be that ah gong's ah poh..even 4 years later..
will we have waited together,secretly..
will we still be keeping each other in our hearts without saying out,without the other knowing..
and be tgt 4 years later..
because fate let us meet in such a way,at such a wrong time..
and i thought this could have been our first obstacle..

auntie vic said before..after he decided not to try anymore..
she told me to lock that ah gong deep inside my heart..and then 4 years later,then let him out..
she even said she have a feeling that the ah gong will come back 4 years later,and we'll be tgt..
she believed in him so much too..
but why did such a crazy thing have to happen..

when i really want to lock that ah gong inside my heart..
when i really want to wait for that ah gong..
when i really want to lock my heart for that ah gong..
when i really want that ah gong,beacause that ah poh thought he was worth it..

why did all these have to happen..
i guess that ah gong must hate that ah poh that's why he could do all these..


i really wonder is it because i'm such a silly girl..
that's why i'm taking so long..that's why its hurting me so much..

or is it because...
what happened was really too crazy...even others couldnt believe..cant imagine..
so crazy until no one knows how painful it is..
no one have gone through something so crazy,so silly like this before..?

i guess its both..
i'm really a silly girl..to still like that ah gong..think of him..
and i guess others see me that way too..esp tt time when they saw my screen saver..

what happened was so crazy i couldnt even explain to myself what exactly happened..
and find it so hard to believe that such a ridiculous thing actually happened..
really cannot believe..
i have no answer to all those questions..
i cant answer myself..


and that ah gong would not even do that..to come and tell that ah poh..before he leaves..
won't even see that ah poh one more time..before he leaves..


i just don't know why such a thing have to happen to that ah poh..
when she just simply like that ah gong..and want to be with him..
why must the world be such a complicated one..


Tonight
Fm static

I remember the times we spent together on those drives
We had a million questions all about our lives
And when we got to New York, everything felt right
I wish you were here with me tonight

I remember the days we spent together were not enough
And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up
Never thought not having you here now, would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up and know the stars are
Holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
And the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees and stayed out way too late

I remember the time you sat and told me about your Jesus
And how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes not having you here
I sing

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up and know the stars are
Holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing, tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up and know the stars are
Holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight



was listening to songs..and heard this..and tears welled..
the lyrics..

...We had a million questions all about our lives
I wish you were here with me tonight

I remember the days we spent together were not enough
And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up
Never thought not having you here now, would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you...


seems like the busiest long wkend i've had since so long..
chinatown cny stuff shopping w mum,aunt,grandma..
reunion dinner shopping..sotong dinner..reunion dinner..family day wkend dinner..
and tdy another whole day out in jb w mum,aunt and grandma,again..
seems like have been seeing them for almost everyday..
and seeing my little chubby cousin,just makes our day..

but the main point is..
it all kept me really distracted,busy,occupied and made me really really tired..
so that i can lie down straight and fall asleep,without thinking of those moments lying on the bed,on the ph w him..
even though there are always those moments,i think of that ah gong..
walking ard,i'll just think of how good it'll be if that ah gong is with us..
w my family,doing cny shopping..how nice it'll be..how happy we'll be..
esp sitting in the car,when there's nth to distract me,i'll just think of that ah gong so much..
thinking of that period of time..where we were so happy..
don't want to forget any single part of it..
wondering what is he doing..how is he..did he get sick again and lost 5kg like the last time..
is he busy with his preparation..
and the thought of him leaving soon keep coming up..
and it just make me feel so bad..really bad..that pain..



"I dont pretend to know what love is for everyone,but i can tell you what it is for me.
Love is knowing all about someone,and still wanting to be them more than any other person.
Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you may be ashamed of.
Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk in a room and smile at you."

without that ah poh,is that ah gong happy..
because u found her??
but rhat ah poh suffered so much..

You're my everyday,my every night and my every dream..


You'll know how much you miss someone,
when you can just stare at his pic,and all the memories will come back,and tears would just flow.
that's how bad it is.


"It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you.
Its when Im sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday.
Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight.
It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all.
It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give
to hold you at that very moment.
It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me."a million little pieces.


i really want to go back..to many yesterdays..
everytime i get a msg..
deep inside me..
how much i wish that the message pic that will pop up will be that of that ah gong..that mi mi yan pic..
how much i wished and hoped that maybe it'll be that ah gong..
just msging and ask how am i, or anything..
how much i wish that every night i can still talk to him..before i go to slp..
and smiling,saying goodnight to each other..
how sweet it was..how when he talk,he'll wait awhile and deliberately add tt sth behind,tt 'name'..
how he said so many types of 'names'..other than ah poh..
and we'll always laugh at it..
how we would take awhile to hang up..
how he'll slowly softly gently,say goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
how that ah gong would always wait for me to hang up first..
and i'll always take some time to slowly hang up..
how one time when i put down so fast..
that ah gong msged and say tdy hang up so fast ah..


that one eczema scar on my leg,left from that outbreak that time..
it's still there,not ok yet..it's still itchy from time to time..
and because of it,i'll rmb how we were sitting below my blk at the bench that first day..
how that ah gong saw i was scratching it..asking me..
told him about it..and he was so concerned..
asking me whether got apply medication or what,if not go see doc..
ask me not to scratch..told me go home mux put the medication..
he was so concerned,he even wanted to pull my leg up to see it,even when it was so dark..


how i wish that ah gong will be still here reminding me to apply the medication..
asking me not to scratch it..

how i wish that ah gong is still here,checking and asking if i've eaten..telling me not to don't eat..
how that ah gong heard about us girls saying about having apple diet..
saying don't think he didnt heard us saying,nagging at me asking if i wanted to do that..telling me its not good..

was buying bubble tea and rmb how tt ah gong said its not good..those pearls..
and i didnt add them..
was queueing and waiting..and thinking how the day he is leaving is drawing closer..
how i thought i'll never get to see that dear dumb dumb ah gong anymore..
and tears just wanted to come out..
how i wish that ah gong is here and tell me not to drink so much..

how i wish i can see that ah gong again..
how i wish that ah gong is just here with that ah poh..on the ph..
how i wish that ah gong can ask me to xiao yi ge..and i can ask him to smile too..
with that pic..

how i wish that ah gong can turn back..
and not have walked away and left that ah poh alone..

how i miss hearing the way he called me ah poh,in his funny chi..
how i miss calling him ah gong..dumb dumb..
how i miss hearing him sing,playing the guitar..

how i wish that ah gong know how that ah poh is feeling..tell me not to cry..
so scared of the day..he's leaving..and how he'll seem to be gone forever..
and it feels so bad..to think of it..
really bad.



“What is love? Love is when one person knows all of your secrets...
your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does not think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does.”


i always feel so silly and dumb to think of him so much,to miss him so much..
but i just cant help it..

when others want so much for me to forget him totally,because in others' eyes, he's a total baddie..
but in my eyes..i just cant see him like what they all see him as..

in my eyes,he's just still that same ah gong i fell for..and he will always be..
that ah gong that was so serious..
that ah gong that was worried about hurting that ah poh..
that ah gong that ah poh really like..
that cute dumb dumb ah gong..

that ah gong that no one else can ever replace.

now i know,it was really love.

why didn't we,couldn't we,hang on..with that faith we shared..
and ah gong and ah poh can walk this long journey together..
it would be so much easier..happier..

our happiness was so easy.


Officially missing you.
Tamia.

All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Ooh baby tell me why'd you have to go?
'Cause this pain I feel it won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you

I thought that from this heartache I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way and today
I'm officially missing you

Ooo can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say, stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially

All I do is lay around, two ears full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all, I don't know you at all


So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby, safe to say
That I'm, I'm officially missing you

Ooo can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say, stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way to let go off you

Ooo can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say, stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially

It's official
You know that I'm missing you
Oh yea yes, all I hear is raindrops
Ooh yea
And I'm officially missing you




all the things u said..
all the things we did..
the way we held hands,how we held wrongly,for the first time that first day..
how u were too tall..what i had to do twice,and what u did..
how u bent down..when we were waiting for the taxi,sent u off..
the way we were secretly holding hands in the cinema with friends beside..
how u were holding on to my hands,caressing..i'll never forget..
how in your room,holding hands,u asking me not to let go..
when i never ever know that would be the last time..
and tt hug..


fri.
belated bday celeb w sotongs.
celeb at raffles city,skinny pizza.
and then went to esplanade sky garden..
and ahma was trying so hard to entertain me..
to make me laugh..talking and crapping on and on..
trying to act and talk in that filipino accent..
crapping and crapping..and end up laughing at her own jokes..
i guess i was entertaining her too..putting on that smile,i'm so used to of already..

havent been out alot these few mths..
and the last time i was at raffles city was with that ah gong..
fri was 21st jan.4 mths ago..tt same day..we were there..
tt late night out..where frens left the 2 of us..

was on the sky garden and looked at the night view..and all came back,again..
was staring at that place..
saw fullerton hotel where we went in to their toilet tt night..
and then going to that stairs place tt we sat..
and we just sat at the stairs by the river..heart to heart talk..
how he was asking no guys in my sch,no one jio meh..still showing me his fren's pic asking if shuai anot..
tt day where both of us were walking so much,on tt empty streets,places i've nv walked..
finding our way out of the f1 fencing..
and tt taxi ride home..

tt unforgettable night..

at the esplanade..
tt f1 day..
tt day where auntie vic was asking if i had sth w him..bec of those fb msges..and i just told her happily..
i still rmb was outside there watching the f1..
then he suddenly msged..in a funny way..and i was smiling again..
asking how was woossh woosh,or wad?
some sound..he came up with..for the f1...
and i was asking wads tt..becux it didnt sound like tt sound frm f1..
we were msging so happily..and my ph ran out of batt..

auntie vic saw how i was anxiously replying him..wanted me to use her ph..
end up i was using bro's ph to msg him..
and i was asking why still dun go slp and stuff..
and him still saying wasnt waiting for me to go home and talk on ph..but he was..
because of those delayed msges tt he gt..
'if u dont reply by 1.45 i'll presume u slp le..and won't call le..'
aft i saw tt msg..i was smiling..
and he just happened to get my msg..and that ah gong called in immediately..
still say not waiting..
hw we were talking on ph..
how because i went back to office..but only tapped him when leaving..
then he said aft tt he was looking for me..bt couldnt find me,didn't know i left le..
nagging me..still said next time go back,have to sit beside him..
and i never got to go back again..never got to sit beside him...


everything,all the things he said,all the things we talked about,all the things we did..
just came back into my mind..it was all supposed to be so happy..
really happy..and simple..
and as i think of it,and thinking of wads happening now,why is it so bad now,i can feel those tears inside..
why is it like that now..
i really don't know..

wasnt that ah gong happy also..

how i wish we can just go back in time..
and i would never have let go of that ah gong..never have said bye to him..never have left tt bus stop..


was reading sotongs bday msges..was so scared of reading..because i know..those tears..
and almost all of them was saying how they know 2010 wasnt a good year for me..and wishing tt 2011 will be a good one..
saying how i'm nice and sure will find someone else better de..

in the beginning,when we got tgt,i was so happy..and i just told auntie vic..
bec tt ah gong was saying dun let others know first..
and how we were laughing at how we were faster than the other 'couple' in the office,who had sth long bef us..they are now still so happy,but what happened between us..they all didn't know..i guess that her also didn't know what exactly happened..

and when i asked tt ah gong to think again..
i was so scared..didnt rly want to tell others..so scared that i'll just look so dumb,because it might just end..

but the other sotongs just happened to got to know of it..
when at the barrage outing..sotong sy was using my ph,and when she used finish was about to return me..
then she saw that screen saver that the ah gong set for me..
that pic of him that he know i like so much..that mi mi yan face..
that pic that i was always using to ask him to cheer up..how cute i said he looked..

she saw tt pic and was shocked,asking who is it..and the other sotongs gt so excited and wanted to see too..
i said it was my bro..but they said dont look like..
so..i just told them about us..
how we actually gt tgt bt then somehow we're still considering it again..
bec of him going overseas..
they asked about his name..and i told them..
and they were laughing..saying prince william..

they asked and asked alot questions..how i got to know him,doing what,etc..
they were surprised,shocked..
they heard about the stuff he did, how serious he was thinking...
they were so happy for me,too...
they saw how happy i was..
even when they know we're thinking..

they also said it'll be ok,it'll be fine de..
they also wanted to see him,when we settle it..

but why now..

and now i'm like a silly girl infront of all my friends that know of it..
why did i get into such a complicated one like this..and be hurt like that..


when that ah gong got to be the most impt to that silly ah poh,the one she liked most,the one her heart was captured so well,in such a short time..


compared to the past ones..
not all sotongs know about what happened the other time..
if not,i guess i'll seem even more silly to them..
why always so silly,complicated and turn up like this..

when it's always so simple,easy and happy for others..
why is it so hard for me..


it's like everyone is telling the same things..
and i guess i'm scared of hearing tt i'm nice..shouldnt have been so nice..
what was the point of being nice...when all these have to happen to me..
'because i'm too kind..not one u know u can be with..'??
i wonder and wonder..
first u asked me to believe all those u told auntie vic..
then,u said u told auntie vic tt because u just didnt want her to ask anymore..
wad was i supposed to believe..

i belived the second..
because i thought u wouldnt not have come up with that when u could have just left me with tt first explaination..
why tell me the second if that's not the truth..when u already wanted to deliberately hurt me..
why deliberately hurt me..want me to forget u..still ask auntie vic to take care of me..
what were u thinking..u did tt because u just felt bad??

i just dont understand..
what made u do all these..how can that ah gong..

is that ah poh totally gone from his world already??
but why tt status..glad both of us....??
u still bother..tt ah poh is still not yet totally gone..

but how can u do it..
even when it all seems like it's over already..

but i wonder and wonder again..
if u chose her..u would have thought alot through it..
thinking that she's the one..the one u can take the risk with..
the one u want to pei u walk this journey with...even when tt ah poh had said so much..
u chose her..even when it makes u like a bad guy..

that means u were rly serious that u thought it would work out..
then why end..
why didnt u all cont..if tt ah gong thinks that she's the one..
then why didnt he cont and work it out with her..

was it because inside that ah gong..
there was guilt..that made him felt bad..
or is there still a portion of that ah poh that's there..
or what wrong did she do..

i don't know..




sat.
had early reunion dinner..
since not going hols this yr,grandma going back msia to visit relatives and celeb cny w them..

how much i wanted that ah gong to be here..
having reunion dinner w my family..enjoying w us..

and rmb tt sat he was sick..where i msged to check on him..asking if he got anyhow eat oily stuff..
tt sat where he was sick bt still pei me talk so long on ph on my way to grandma house..
how he was telling me to call him back on his house ph..
telling me his house num..teaching me how to rmb it..
by asking me to repeat the num 5 times..and i was laughing at it..
and he was trying to say it out..telling me to follow..
then i'll be able to rmb le..
how when i had to hang up le..telling me to promise him to talk to him again at night..
how he was waiting and msged..see if i was home already..
how i was anxious to go home too..for the first time..
how i was really happy..
how i got home and we talked..


how much i wished that i could call him,talk to him..when i'm back home..
how much i wished that he was waiting for me to get home..and will msg me..

i really miss it so much..


he said he had 2 cny celeb w his first gf,w her family..
and i was wondering how many could we have tgt..
why must it be none...

he was with her,a girl he didnt like..bt tried to like..for so long..
and how he said he felt family warmth and was more happy w her family than his own..
that's why tt ah poh wanted so much to let him enjoy tt too..

but tt ahpoh seems even more pathetic than tt her..
why..
when we really liked each other..

so ironic,but how it seems like maybe it wasnt true for him..

if tt ah gong really liked that ah poh..
how could he have done all these..so cruel,and walked away from that ah poh like that..
when he said he'll stand by that ah poh!
asking others to take care of her..because he want to be w her??


and up till now,still have not said anything,explain..


if tt ah gong really liked that ah poh..
how could feelings have changed so fast,so easily..

if tt ah gong really liked that ah poh..
why did he hurt her like tt..when he said he wanted her to be happy forever..
would like to make her happy,when she's angry..

why.

tt ah gong posted saying want to go for blood donation..asking if anyone wants to go..
tt first time i donated..tt ah gong was asking about it,at his house..and i even show him the video my fren took..

how much i wished we could go for a blood donation tgt..
how much i wanted to ask if we could go tgt..
but i guess he'll just ignore me..
forever.

his statuses..
is he regretting of that..
must he put me through it again..

or is it other stuff..i hope..


brainless brain??bitch??wad's my problem?childish?act pitiful??

omg..i really wonder..
is it scolding me..or someone else..
but how it rly seems like she's scolding me..

if it's saying me..
does she know me that well to say all tt..saying i'm childish?
saw me act pitiful before??when..
have i ever done that..
omg..
when i know i dont really know her well..cant judge her..
don't know how she's like..
only friends telling me stuff bout her..
i've never even say anything bout her..
and she's saying all these,like she know me so well..
like i offended her..

maybe she's not saying me..
but it's all too coincidental le..


first i posted sth..
then she posted that long status..which seems to be 'related' to mine..
it was just a common phrase i posted..
which part did it seem like it was meant for u..
why such a big reaction..if u really didnt do anything wrong..
and scold someone like tt,if it was meant for me..
if u had a clear conscience..u won't have been bothered by something that's nt directed at u..
it just surprised and shocked me..bec i didnt see that coming..
it just shows wad u're thinking..how u really are..a person's character..
not me judging u..just shows how u're actually judging yourself,and others..
forcing others to judge you,showing others how u are..
if u think u didnt do anything wrong..
why would u have such strong feelings..
you could have just ignored..and totally won't get disturbed by sth like that..

yes..maybe it's his fault..and mine,that's what u think..
nothing of urs at all..
because the only wrong thing u did,was just not announcing it..
yes..
and the only wrong thing i did was to ask him to think again..

i can only wonder and wonder why such a reaction..
and it really scares me..scares others..
and they find tt it's so funny..



Paint the sky with stars. but there will always be this one that blinks at u,that stands out and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be.

always like staring at the night sky..finding and looking for stars..
and then get amazed by the beauty of those blinking stars..
how as u stare longer,more and more seem to appear..more and more pretty and bright they get..
and there will always be certain stars that are always there,at the same place..
the 3 stars in a line..
and stars that were always there but we may not have noticed..

he was that star i didnt notice..like all the strangers we meet in our life..where we may have just walked pass each other on the streets before..not noticing..

but one day i noticed that star suddenly appearing,becoming brighter..
he enetered my life..and became that guiding star that i wanted so much..
and became the brightest,in my night sky..
and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be..

just like people,who enter and leave our life..
best friends,close friends,normal friends,even strangers..
they all enter our life somehow,and no matter what happens,we'll rmb them somehow..
will all still be in that same night sky..
just a matter of whether it's clearly visible to us..

and that particular dumb dumb ah gong star is still there and it will always be..
shining brightly..
even after all these crazy happenings..i don't know why..
i guess because inside me,it's just that same old ah gong that i know of,want to know of,chose to know of and believe..

that's the real him..

and i wonder..
is there a ah poh star..in his night sky..
or was it never ever noticed..just like strangers stars..
just there,but never visible..

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.

life is too short to wake up with regrets..
and yet i have to wake up every morn to that..and that pain..

i told u i saw this somewhere..told u i cant forget..
and because of that..
on that day that was supposed to be our first month,on that day that u were sick again..
i asked u to think about this again,because that ah poh rly wanted so much to try this,work this out with that ah gong..
because that ah poh really wanted to pei and hold hands with that ah gong,to walk this long journey tgt w him..
when we both knew it won't be easy right from the beginning..we talked about it and we still decided to try,then why did we give it up like that..


i sent u tt msg..
and u called sooo fast..i was so scared because i thought since tt ah gong called so fast..i guess i didn't manage to change his mind,again.
so scared to just lose tt ah gong like that..
i didn't dare to pick up the calls..

the day..first time someone missed call me so much,continuously..
and i had to try so hard,to type u a msg,to say that i guess i know ur ans already..
how u replied..
asking me to pick up,because u don't usually like to miss call ppl..saying u want to talk first..
and that silly ah gong counted..
12 calls before i finally picked up..

i decided to ask tt ah gong to think again because i didn't want to live my life with so much regrets..
because i didn't want us to give up because we just thought it'll be very hard..
for a reason that is thought to be,assumed to be and not what really will happen..
because that ah poh really like that ah gong..

but end up..i'm still waking up each day..to so much regrets..so much regrets..

so much things i wanted to do with that ah gong..
so much things i wanted to ask about that ah gong..
so much things i wanted to share,tell that ah gong..

thought it was supposed to be a long journey,our journey,our dream,and i could slowly know more,share..


when u were msgsing me when i was at the f1..
how i thought of wanting u to pei me go and watch,this year race..
or i could go visit u in melbourne,and we can watch that race there in mar..
or even sitting infront of the tv with u,watching any race will do..

when u said u liked jap food..
how ah gong likes rice,and that ah poh likes noodles..
how i thought of wanting to go and try all the jap restaurants with tt ah gong..
and now,whenever i see jap restaurants,i'll just rmb tt ah gong..

when that ah gong said he likes ice cream,and was craving it from time to time,even in the middle of the night,wanted mac delivery..
how i thought of wanting to go around trying out all the ice cream places w tt ah gong..

when we were sitting on that bench that first night..
how you were saying if only the view infront is the seaview..
how i thought of wanting to go to the beach with you..and just sitting there to rly enjoy the seaview,watching the sunrise or sunset..doesn't matter,as long as it's with that ah gong..

when u asked if i wanted to go bali with you..
how i thought of how nice it would be,to go bali with that ah gong..
how i wanted u to go hk disneyland with that ah poh..

how u were saying about going jogging..
how i thought of going jogging with that ah gong every wkend..
going to the beach,or anywhere..how nice is it..

how one day,over the ph,u said u wanted to slp beside tt ah poh..
how i thought of wanting to go picnic,camping overnight by the beach..
and lie beside each other,under the starry night sky..

how one time u were telling me about ur parents,their jobs..
how u told me,saying how you have difficult parents..
i saw how ur mum always check on u,heard how scary ur mum sounded when she nagged at u,bec of tt late night talk..saw how ur dad msged u to not go home so late..
how when we gt tgt already and u said dun let parents know first..
i said can we don't meet urs..bt actually i wanted to..
wanted to help tt ah gong have a better rs w his parents..
i was wondering what will happen if i met them..will they like me..
first time,i thought i can officially bring a bf home,and let my family see how gd he was..and maybe even meet bf's parents..i was so silly..why did i ask him..i've never ever regretted about sth for so long...and i rly hate myself..

how i wanted to just sit in ur car,again..
doesn't matter where we go,even if we got lost,even if we missed exits,even if we need to use gps again..doesnt matter..
just wanted to sit in that car,with tt ah gong..
helping u hold on to the ph,w the gps,and going places tgt..

how i was already thinking of what to do for u..for u to bring to melb..
how i was thinking of sending u off,how will it be like..will i cry..or will your hug do all the work..
how i was thinking of the things to do when u go over there already..

how i was thinking 4 years later..if only,4 years can pass faster..
because that ah poh really wanted to wait for that ah gong..

so many so many things..
but we'll never get the chance to do it..

and all can just remain as regrets and hurt..

and seeing his nick saying how he'll be leaving soon..
there's this pain inside me..this saddness..and tears just seem to come out..
how in his room,that ah gong was asking me if i'll be sad when he leaves..


i really want to see that ah gong once more..
i really want to talk to him once more..
i really want that hug once more..

can he just leave like that??
without telling or explaining anything..
without even checking on me..
why cant he do something..

why must he,how can he be so cruel to that ah poh...
will we be strangers forever..

went out w mum and aunt ytd and sent sis to sch..rp..
that ah gong's school..
and i was looking and looking around..
wondering how was that ah gong like in his poly days..
thinking of that first rs he told me about..

and my aunt was asking again,if i hv a bf..
and everytime i see her,with my family,i just rmb how she just coincidentally ask about it,on our 2nd day..
telling me because she have a feeling..i almost wanted to say yes at tt time.
i guess,because i was really really really happy that period of time..
tt's why they all felt it..
time after time,i thought,maybe one day,i'll just tell her,tell my family.
yes,i had a bf,tt time when u asked me..

i wanted to say,yes.but we decided not to be tgt anymore,because tt ah gong was going overseas..we didnt want to take the risk and somehow want to wait,tgt..
i wanted to say that..
wanted them to noe how we met in such a way,how nice,simple and sweet this rs was supposed to be..
i wanted them to know,to show them his pic..our pic..
wanted them to know he's a good guy..
how he even asked if i'll wait for him,before we gt tgt..how he thought so much,talked to his friends about it and how we talked about it so much..
how serious we both were about wanting to do this tgt,walk this long journey tgt..
wanted them to see how shuai,cute tt ah gong is,those thick eyebrows,those jawbones..
that ah gong tt gt model job offers..

but now,how crazy it got and i find it so hard to accept and believe what exactly happened.
or rather don't know.

how my mum always asking why havent i been talking to tt person anymore..
even gave him a nickname 'mm'..
because of how i was on the phone w him..but he was playing guitar,singing..and my mum deliberately stayed in my room and played games..
and seeing how i didnt saying much,but keep mm..

why must they all remind me of those times..
that i really miss..that i really was so happy..never so happy...
i really miss that ah gong so much..
really miss talking to him,his voice,his chi..
really miss,just lying on the bed,talking,smiling..


today is a tuesday.the same lessons.the same timings.
the day we went out for the first time.
every tues,in those lessons,i'll just be reminded of tt tues..
how i was smiling happily msging tt ah gong in class..
how i was going to meet him after lessons..
how he asked if i was excited tt class was ending and i'm going to meet him..

how i wished i could be meeting him,after my lessons,again..every week..

why cant we go back in time.go back to where i'd love to be.

how do you stop urself from missing someone so much..



headache.headache.headache.
driving me crazy.

and her words keep running through my head.
it just keeps appearing,even though i know shouldnt be bothered bout it..
because it shouldnt be me that's done anything wrong...
and i just wonder,how those words came out..

"karma's a bitch. and yes it happened already SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING SELF RIGHTEOUS ABOUT IT. I DIDN'T STEAL. UGH!!!
AND I AM NOT WRONG OKAY, THE ONLY WRONG THING THAT I HAVE DONE WAS NOT ANNOUNCING IT. FUCK "

why did u post and then remove again..

right from the beginning,i have not,never even once,scolded her,behind her back.
i was just in the state of disbelieve.
i just asked myself,why is it so crazy,how is it possible.
i just didn't believe.
asking,is this really how the real world is like.
i've bear with it for so long..just wanting to blame myself..

and now,how it seems like she's indirectly scolding me,blaming me??
i'm the one that's wrong??
or is it his wrong and my wrong??
nothing of hers,at all.
so funny,that it's my wrong..and i'm causing so much pain to myself..

my wrong..what did i do,i wonder and wonder.
was it me that came in as the third party??
was it me that stepped in??
was it me that caused you all to end up the way now??
did i??
i guess that's what you're thinking..

when right from the beginning, when i heard about the things u said about him.
i didn't even want to say out.
i didn't want others to think of how u are,i didn't believe..
until j was telling me how u just called her and started scolding,bitching bout a fren,behind her back..
she was supposed to be so close to u..a close fren..
but i thought,maybe u were rly angry w her..tt's why..
but still,it was wrong..
and then i just saw hw u were asking if she's fine,seeing her status..
then,i really wonder..it's so scary..
to be so close to someone,and then not knowing that the person can actually be scolding u behind ur back?

so funny..was i really too naive..
to not see how people can really be like..
hypocrisy??all the invisible masks??
all the pretense.aren't they tired..

why is the real world so scary,so cruel..
why must people be like this..
survival of the fittest??are they really happy??

yes,everybody's saying i'm too innocent..
i understand that the world is a complicated one..a cruel one..
but i just thought the world can be a simple one,if we want to..

until everybody just have to convince me this is how the world is really like..accept and face it..
how not to be so nice until don't even know how to hate..treating those who treat u right..and know how to 'hate' those who don't..
don't be so weak and innocent and end up getting bullied by ppl..
when i didn't do anything wrong..

when i just wanted something so simple..


To the someone whom i don't know,but have been telling me so much.
thank you.

he didn't say anything about changing heart.
i guess no one would have admitted sth like this,anw.
but it was too fast,to believe it's possible.
tt's why its so crazy and hurting me so much,like never before.


he just said he didn't want to try anymore,didnt want to take the risk and hurt me,cause he know how hard long dist is..
and then from the beginning when ppl were telling me things and about what the girl say bout him being a bad guy..
and how others saying they're v close..

i didn't believe.i trusted him.i don't believe he's such a person.
up till the end,i still believed he wasnt like this..

but until some point.i had to hear from ppl saying tt the girl was saying they were tgt,since so long ago,the time when we haven't rly settle our problem..?
bt smhow i guess maybe they just started not long ago.i don't know when.
but the fact is,they had sth,they got together,somehow.

she's a friend who knew about us.
and he's the person i trusted the most,that ah gong i thought would never betray my trust and not do such a thing to that ah poh.
that ah gong that i thought i knew how he's really like,from all the things i heard from him..

that ah gong that i really want to wait for.

that's why i didnt want to believe,couldnt believe he could do such a thing..
i even wanted others to trust and believe he isn't a bad guy too.
and i hated it so much when others think he's a bad guy.


it just make me seem like a silly fool.a silly fool that was living in the world of lies for the past few months..
and how it seems like i'll never ever know what's true and what's not..
and i just couldnt believe how that ah gong can do such a thing when it wasnt tt long ago..
how can,the person who said will be faithful..saying hw he have faith in me..
how much we've discussed about doing this,how far we thought,him asking before if i'll wait till 4 yrs later..
and how hard he explained to me why he didn't want to try anymore..
even said stuff about how we could wait..w our options open..and then asking me nt to wait..
how he said i should have a few bfs first..
i thought he just didnt want me to wait so long,just for him..
he said soooo much,but still could do such a thing..


and up till now,he just left me,walked away,without explaining,or telling me what exactly happened..
that was the least,and something he should do..but he didn't..

all those stuff...
THAT's WHY it's affecting and making me so upset..
because from all the things he did before,how i know him,i just don't think he's such a person..to do sth like tt..
i don't understand why.


but i guess his option was always opened even when we gt tgt..

or maybe in such a short time,he met her..and thought i just wasnt the one,just like that..
because i don't get angry..?don't tell him things..
when i just didn't want to see him getting more stressed,didn't want him to get even more unhappy over stuff like this..
i just thought being in a rs didnt necessarily mean have to quarrel and be angry..
why cant it always be a happy thing..it'll be,as long as we work it out properly..

i guess,he found her a better choice..someone he can take the risk with..and i wasnt.
even when that ah poh had told him so much stuff..
wanted so much to support him,if he want to cont studying..
even when that ah gong told her so much stuff..saying will stand by her..

i was nothing.and it's so pathetic..
how can that ah poh be so insignificant to that ah gong..

i have been thinking and thinking..
about asking him for an explaination..
getting an ans to all the unanswered qns..

but i'm so scared that ah gong will talk to me in that manner he talked to me the last time..
that fake him,that hostile voice..
i'm so scared he'll just scold me for being stupid..
why am i not moving on,up till now..
and i guess he'll just tell me what's the point in knowing..
and he just doesnt know how it feels like to be in my position..
how bad its hurting..

and i wonder and wonder..
if he explain to me..
will he be saying the truth..
will he want to say what really happened..
will i be able to believe what he says..
or will i just be distorting his words..thinking in the positive way,that he just didn't want to hurt that ah poh,no matter what..

wanting to hope that,that ah poh really meant something to that ah gong..


he did all these..he should be the one coming to say something..why isnt he..how can he do such a thing...


now,GREAT!!!!
i'm supposed to be the one that's getting the greatest hurt from all these..
and now..
how she seems like to be scolding me!!!!so does it mean,she was the victim??
i was the one that deliberately caused her to go through all these??
then who caused all these misery to me??myself??
yes,myself!
because she didn't steal..i was the one to steal!!!
i was the third party!!!
yes,I'm THE ONE THAT's WRONG!!!!!!!
for being so silly..
to befriend u,and even wanted to help u w someone else...
so silly of me!!
GREAT!!AND I GOT SCOLDED FOR NOTHING,WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!

the only wrong u did was not announcing it???

shouldnt it be my wrong,his wrong,that we didnt want to announce??
u mean u all were tgt before us??at the same time when u had sth w someone else??
i was the third party right...
yes yes...
must be it!!!!!
i'm the VILLIAN!!!!!
the first time in my life,i'm the villian,u gave me my first time again!!!!!
the first time i got so angry!!!

thanks to u!!!

silly me!!
why cry because of the dumb things she's saying..why let her affect u so much!!
when you obviously know u didnt do anything wrong!!!

where's that ah gong...
why cant he say something...
and i kept asking and asking myself..

what wrong did that ah poh do????






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