And so, results was out on April fool's..and i wished it was the worse joke..but it wasn't..
and we all have to face it..
everything was confirmed and it was not good..
mum have to go for the operation definitely..
the only good thing was luckily it was discovered early,still the early stage, after removing and going through therapy, everything should be fine..

but still, it was the worst day ever..one i can never forget..it felt so unreal..
i was never ever prepared for a day like this..
dad didnt even dare to go in with us to hear the results..
only sis and i went in with mum..and we just stood behind her..
and when the doc said the results are not good..our hearts just sank..
and i just kept looking at mum..
it was like she just had a blank look..she didnt cry yet..
but i know how sad she must feel..from that look on her..
for a woman to accept it and to go through such an operation, how hard would it be..
how pain would it be..everything would be different aft the op..

i know i cant cry also..tears welled up again and again but i tried so hard to hold it back..
it was the hardest thing ever...
and when the doc asked mum to lie down to check on the wound from the small op..
behind the curtains, we heard mum started to cry..and the doc kept telling her it'll be fine,mei shi de..
hearing mum crying, it was rly rly rly so xin tong, esp when we cant do anything...
and i had to try even harder to control...
the first time mum rly cried like that infront of us...
kept telling myself cannot cry infront of her or it'll make her more sad..
we must be stronger and pei her go through this....

then doc started explaining everything...showed us pics..
even though bec its early stage, mum can just remove partially..
but doc say other than the one small lump, there are some white spots also..
so the first op, docs will try to remove all the 'infected' parts at one do..
but after removing, they still have to further examine and see if other areas are affected, esp the lymph nodes..
and if 'infected',mum have to go through op again to entirely remove all infected parts..
the doc explained if lymph nodes were removed, how it'll affect mum..
saying, next time, her left hand movement may not be as good, may get swollen easily, and if injured or what,must take extra care,etc..
hearing all these was just too 'scary' and overwhelming...like mum have to go through so much..

on top of that, aft the operation, aft mum recover from the op..
she'll still have to go through 6 weeks of radiotherapy, 5 days a week..
after that, and still most prob have to go through chemo and physio also..medication..
and doc advised the side effects from chemo..loss of hair....
almost break down hearing all these...

because seems like the op was just a small small part..
after the op,mum still have to go through a long long process..
and i know i have to be there with her..
i was so scared..
thinking how to go through with her without crying infront of her for this long long journey to recovery..
i was so scared whether the treatments will be painful,will mum be able to take it..
rly rly rly so xin tong..

rly wished i am the one suffering rather than seeing mum go through all these..
and see how depressed she is..
it's so hard...

relatives were all waiting and asking about the results..
and i know telling them was yet another hard thing to do..
so i went out,called aunt and told her all that doc said..
and silly me broke down after controlling the whole day..
telling aunt about that long treatment process just made me lose it..
telling her scared mum pain and xin ku..rly v xin tong..
and i just teared walking on the streets on the phone, and ppl looked at me...
but i just cant hold it back anymore..
it was rly rly pain..
and i didnt know what to do..how to face sth like that..to be brave infront of her..
it was so hard...
i wished it was just a bad nightmare..

of course, this hit us all hard..
auntie,uncle,esp grandma..
it came too suddenly and we were all not prepared at all...
but whole family, still trying to be happy and normal and giving mum the best support...
and family support have been rly impt throughout..
happy because it seems, our family bond grew even stronger after this..
esp dad and mum are back talking..

but still,this was yet another hardest period of my life,after that ahgong incident 2yrs ago..

had to go on aussie trip with this news, then meeting up with tt ahgong, and that friend incident..
all came at one go...
3 crazy things all came tgt...
i almost couldnt take it anymore..
it was so hard...

i kept thinking why am i so unlucky..
why bad things keep coming...
what wrong did i do to have to go through all these time after time..
ppl say go through these lessons to learn..why  have to learn through such things..
why still not enough...
but why others around me seemed to be fine and dun have all these rubbish..why me..
i was really tired..
and yet, as the eldest at home, i couldnt collapse..and its even more tiring....
i have to be with dad and be strong...
i know dad's putting up a front also, keep saying mei shi de..


and on that day we know the results..
i have to realise that seems like tt ahgong 'unfriend' me on fb already..
bec it cant be me 'unfriending' him..so it must be him...
my heart rly rly sank..
i dont know why he did it..but i guess he thought by doing that i'll give up le...

and that day rly was the craziest day...


and i cant believe that when i first heard of the news that mum's possibly sick..
the first person that came to my mind, that i wanted to talk to was that ahgong.......


i can never forget that scary phone call with aunt telling me, talking to me in that serious tone, telling me to be prepared, things are not good..
saying mum may have breast cancer...

it was like tears just flowed out....
it was like my mind rly blanked out, i didnt know how to react, except cry..
it was rly scary..those thoughts..what if those cancerous cells already spread...
what if it was the last stage..
what if it was like shing's dad...

it was crazy...
and i actually thought of that ahgong...and wanted to talk to him at that point in time...


but i know,i have to do this on my own,have to be strong on my own...

To be stronger, for those that matter, and brave this long journey...







Back from the crazy aussie trip..
It was like just 2 days before i was supposed to fly off, something big happened at home and made me have second thoughts, whether or not to continue w the trip..
My flight was on thurs night, and frm mon on, mum was acting moody and sianx look, not talking much..
on sunday she was still fine and still happily ask to go have lunch at dintaifeng..
so we thought maybe it was just another one of those days again,where she's moody, tts all..
and aft awhile she'll be ok again..
but then tues, it continued..

and the 2 days, she went out on her own, when we asked she didnt say where she was going..
we asked aunt, uncle they all if they went out tgt..but all say no..
we thought sth was weird and wrong..but didnt know what was happening..
asked aunt they all,all also dont know anything..

aunt even say maybe bec i leaving she's worried..i say yes she may be worried, bt the other time norway she also never like that..cant be about that de..
and she just kept staying in her room,never on lights,just lie on her bed, never cook,never do anything at all..never even touch her ipad..
of course we didnt dare to ask her directly what was wrg,she also wont say de since she's like that..

then wed, i woke up and saw aunt's msg and she called..and spoke to me in such a serious tone i never heard bef..
and my heart was beating so quickly..
she was saying in the morn, she came and saw dad..
and so she straight away went to ask dad what's wrong, and surprisingly dad was the only one who know and he told aunt..
supposedly dad n mum have been in a 'cold war' for vvvv long..so we were surprised..

then aunt was telling me stuff like have to be prepared..telling me dunno if it would be disrespectful towards mum if she told me..but i told her to tell me...
i was rly rly rly scared.....

i thought about possible things like divorce, what were we going to do with it..i was so scared about that...

but i never thought of what she told me.....never...
she said mum's sick,maybe rly sick...
and i asked what..she say mum may have breast cancer..
and my heart just sank..totally stunned..
i tried so hard to control my tears bec i didnt want aunt to hear me crying..
but it just fell as i continued to ask what doc say..
and she said, doc suspect, but official report is not out still, will only be out on 1st april..
and so that was why mum secretly went out on her own,being so moody, etc..

but it was never never sth we expected or thought of..
it struck us so suddenly, we were all not prepared for sth like this..
and it have to happen just one day bef i was supposed to fly n go on my hols..
i locked myself in the room, so sis they all wont come in and wont know anything..
i quickly went to search about breast cancer..to see if it would be life threatening,etc..

my heart was so pain..even though alot say rly have,just have to remove and all will be fine..
but i was so afraid of the possibility that it may have spread to other areas...then how..
i thought of shing's dad, passing on within half a year...i was rly rly scared..
of cux i didnt go and talk to mum and ask her or wad..i know she'll be even more sad..
i was so xin tong...mum not telling us..i know she dont want us to worry..but..
and seeing how she just stayed in her room like that..and not eating much..
we had to buy food and put beside her keep asking her to eat a little..

but, younger sis and bro dont know why she was like that still..
thinking she's just moody tts all..
so since they're still young, and report's still not out, i guess they didnt have to know also..
dont want them to worry also..
so i had to pretend nth was wrg infront of them...
had to secretly cry in the room and calmed myself down before i could go out..
then, i know it was time to talk to dad, since he was the one who brought mum to see doc..

i went down and bef i went in, he called me and i knew..
he hadnt say anything and i quickly asked what the doc say and i started tearing again...
i cant rmb when was the last time i cried infront of dad,except when i was v young and got scoldings..
i just cried infront of him like a little girl, asking him how..

he said the same things, report is not out yet, dont know anything yet..
and i cont to ask what if it spread,remove it also wont help..how..
and dad just kept on saying 'mei you shi de, bu yao dan xin'...
can never forget those words, how dad looked and spoke..

and at the point in time, what could we do,we could only wait..
and also,kept it from siblings..

of cux, by then, grandma,uncle and ahyi all thought sth was wrg too..
they came to see mum,but mum was still in her room, i guess trying to pretend to be slping also..
they asked and i just said i dunno..said maybe she xin qing bu hao again lor..

ahyi n cousins they all were going on hols just one day bef me,didnt want to spoil their trip also..
i guess mum didnt wont want them to worry also, tts why she didnt tell them and so i guess i shd wait till when she's rdy then tell them..

it was so xin ku to act like nth was wrong,trying to smile and tell them maybe awhile jiu ok le, say she always like that de..nvm de..
it was sooo hard..esp facing my sis..
bec i was the one who started asking,telling her why mum so weird, and asking her to help ask relatives too whether they know anything..
then i couldnt tell her the ans to it all..
she still tell me dad's talking to mum..
and i could only say isnt it good that at least now they're talking le..
and she still tried to secretly hear what they were saying, but luckily they didnt talk about it..
it was rly hard as a da jie..and i guess dad mux be v xin ku too..
rly v xin tong...but there was nth i could do..

so worried of mum being like that,just staying in the room..
i thought of cancelling the trip..since i would be thinking about it constantly..
but i know dad wont want me to cancel it..esp when everything's paid alrdy..
and what will my fren do on her own,i would hv totally spoil her long waited hols...
and i know i'll feel v xin tong to be home and see mum like that evday..
maybe it was better to be away, so she'll be msging and checking on me and talking to me at least..
if not,at home she'll not say anything but stay in her room..
so in the end i thought i shd still try to continue on with the trip and since the results will only be out aft i'm back..

the day i left, i still kept reminding bro and sis to take care of her..
no matter what, just buy food,bread,make milo for mum or sth..fang bu xia xin...
and dad send me off..
at the gate when i was going to go in, i looked at him and i could feel him wanting to tell me 'mei you shi de,bu yao dan xin' again..
just that he didnt say anything bec sis was there..

and so i left, with such a big burden inside me...
worried that sis they all dunno how to take care of mum..
evday msging them to ask if mum eat le ma,buy for her eat le ma,how is she, is she better or still inside the room..
spending evday of the hols like this was crazy..

and halfway thru the trip i still heard aunt say sis saw dad crying,bec seeing mum acting like this, he was sad and xin tong too..
and my heart ache so much,bec dad actually cried......

and i constantly msg mum to tell her what i'm doing,going where, sending her pics to see,just so she wont worry so much..
at first her replies were always so short..
but aft awhile, it got better..

and was happy to hear that she didnt keep staying in her room anymore..and even prep dinner,etc..
and dad and mum actually sat down tgt to have dinner tgt w siblings..
they cold war so long and it have been vvv long, since they sat down tgt and eat like tt..
was a little happier knowing that..at least out of this incident, dad and mum are ok again..

before i came back,was so worried how mum would be acting, would she still have the sianx sianx look or what..so scared dunno how to face her and even talk about it..
back ytd, and luckily mum was looking quite happy and ok already..
and of cux uncle they all know le..

went dinner aft touchdown and mum was saying cant eat this n that w seafood or wad, bec of a mini surgery tt day..and ah yi they all were suggesting then eat other stuff lor..
it's like everyone were so normal,like trying to be optimistic like that..
and i felt so xin tong..
bec i guess they all were smhw trying to act,pretend to be strong like that to 'support' mum in a way..
bec i know ahyi's someone who can cry easily..and i guess this incident definitely affects her alot, since she's mum sis of cux she'll feel pain tt mum hv to go thru sth like this..
but she's trying to be strong..
tts y i feel so xin tong,and touched somehow everyone's so happy...trying to be strong..hoping for the best...
and i guess, bec of this the whole family is much much more closer..

the long wait is finally going to be over...
results will be out tml..
so scared to go, bec i'm so scared to hear the things i dont want to hear...
and i dont want to be crying infront of them..and dont know how to talk to mum or what..
so so scared....

and yet, all i can do is to hope for the best.....
wishing that all this will just be a blessing in disguise..



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