Awhile more to go..it's getting tougher and tougher..with so many things..
the stress is crazy..
but hang in there..hang in there..
and then i can be proud to say i survived it..
the toughest lap ever..

Today's the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton..

and i always thought why is that ahgong's name William as well..
when we were tgt,i didnt rly mind..
because it rly made it even more like a dream come true,fate..
when at sotong outing at barrage last yr,sy saw tt screen saver..
and asked who..the rest were shocked smhw and started asking..
when she heard his name is William..
and the first thing she said,was prince william..
jean and o they all gave me tt nick,gongzhu,even before i met him..
and when we started having sth,they also started the prince william thing..
and someone told me before,the meaning of the name sarah..princess..

i rmb the first outing tt ahgong heard them calling me gongzhu..
then the nx day when we were msging,he copied them and called me tt too..
and when we started talking on the ph,he tried to called me so many names,other than ahpoh..and gongzhu was one of it too..
everything and everything made it seem like such a sweet dream coming true..
making me believe in fate..
but now,i wished my name isnt sarah..and his name isnt william..
so tt time i would have been less happy about our meeting,and now,feel less hurt,somehow..
because that dream was so shortlived,and end up turning into my worst nightmare..

but he posted before..
half the day disappeared just like that.it will happen again. That nightmare. That dream.4yrs ain't short.
what did he mean with that..
that nightmare,that dream will happen again??
it wasnt his nightmare,he wasnt hurt..it was mine..
but that dream,he's saying our dream..or rather my dream will happen again?
i always wish and think he's saying about that dream we shared,our dream..
will it rly happen again when things are like this now..
will it rly happen again when he posted that and still did all those stuff..
and i guess my that dream will never be the same anymore..
or rather,maybe i won't believe in dreams anymore..

ytd manman and kengx were saying if they are attached,they wont bring him home so fast..will hide first..
but manman said she'll have difficulty doing it,cux she'll be so guilty infront of parents and may not hide it well..

and i rmb i had difficulty hiding too..
i rmb we keep going out tt time..until i have to come up with silly reasons for going out..
like tt first time tt ahgong asked to go out on tt random night..
it was mooncake festival..
so i told mum going out celeb mooncake festival,play lanterns with office clique..
when actually it was just tt ahgong and we wanted go barrage..
the first time out for movie..i told mum was going to watch this movie w fren,cux lecturer told us to watch..said going to watch wall street,but we actually watched my darling is a foreigner..
then the day we started..met ahgong for late dinner at chomp..
but i told mum going chalet,so i could stay out later..
then ended up mum called me and spoke to me v suspiciously and abit angry telling me to behave myself..
still asked for the chalet num and wanted go..dumbdumb..luckily she didnt..
cause she heard tt it was so quiet when i'm supposed to be at a chalet..
but actually we were sitting at the bench below my house..
then i got so scared,tt we changed bench since from there can see those cars driving in..
and aft tt i still had to msg jean and ask her help me,if my mum ask,tell her i was with her at chalet..
i cant forget tt i told her i was with him..and we gt tgt..
and she replied..congratulations in caps..so happy and excited for me..
and i was smiling looking at her msg..
ended up..

i didnt even got a chance to tell mum properly..tt i'm going out w bf,w tt
ahgong..so i didnt have to come up with silly reasons..
i didnt even got a chance to tell mum who's that 'mm mm' guy she called him,what's his name..
whole family dont know,seems like a dark secret..
even aunt also dont know,not knowing that the 'handsome guy' that i said wanted to slowly find..was actually refering to tt ahgong bf..

thought of what tt ahgong said of not bringing parents in first..
and i didnt mind..
even though mum and aunt were suspecting..esp when mum always see me on the ph w him..
it was quite 'fun' actually for them to suspect like this..and i was so happy infront of them everyday,denying when they asked..
and i thought aft some time,then i can give them a surprise..
just bringing tt ahgong go grandma house for dinner one random day and i cant imagine their reactions..
but i know they'll all be happy and plesased to see him,tt ahgong..
i was really looking forward to that day,but it never got to happen..
we didnt even come close..
i also thought how it'll be like when i see his parents..when he asked me smhw,saying they're so strict,how..
so so far away from all those thoughts..
just so silly to have thought so much so fast..
when i thought that ahgong thought further..

just saw tt ahgong commenting on sth..and he repeated his words..
like dunno dunno..
and i rmb i used to repeat my words when i talked to him on the ph..
and tt ahgong would always tease me about it..
but aft some time he also did that..and i teased him back..
like tt random night he asked,u free u free u free..??
and i replied with repeated words also..
sometimes i'm reminded of these memories,i can still smile at it,how happy i was..
feeling that i was really lucky..
but sometimes,crazy tears inside..
because of how much i miss those times,miss that ahgong..
because of how i think of why things are different now and that nightmare..


auntie vic told me she read my post and teared..
saying she know going places tt we've been there tgt will remind me of the things..
how she feel the same way too because of her incident..and it's already hurting her so much,when it's just friendship..and mine is..
she still said think he's ben xing isnt bad..
i always thought he cant be tt bad a guy inside..because of so many things..
so izzit like what others say,that he just want to play at this age,now..
cux it seems like he was playing w her,maybe..
playing me also..??it didnt seem like..if not he rly wont have to go to the extent to think so much,ask so much,so stressed about it..and..but i rly dunno..

and i thought i didnt have to go to places to be reminded,because we started below my house,and he walked me home also..and everytime i walk by tt bench,those places..
tt pain in the heart is just so crazy..
and next time when i move to chomp..
those happy happy memories there..
the unforgettable bus ride..
esp rmb how we crossed the road..tt ahgong so careful,bringing tt ahpoh..
the table we sat at,those food we shared..looking at tt ahgong hungrily eating,wanting to feed me his noodles,helping me finish up my drink..
those images are still in my head,clearly..
what am i going to do,when i move there next time..
and will always have to take that bus we took tgt..

and i replied auntie vic..saying her msg made me teared..so funny..hahax..
because i thought now at least someone who have been thru something similar..
can rly rly understand how it feels,how pain it is..
because my frens around me mostly arent attached,and never went thru things like this,be it,for friendship or love..
so that time i always thought they must have think that i'm so silly and dumb to be so affected and everything..
they say they know how it feels like,maybe they do,can imagine the pain..
but i guess one rly have to go through it to rly rly undstd..

auntie vic,i know you have a scar inside too..
and i guess it is almost as bad as mine..
but we can do it tgt..slowly..=)


ytd corp finance teacher said..
just take one big step and you'll be out of the mud..leave it behind..

and i thought it sounds so meaningful,but it only it's so easy..
if we got into the mud..
if only we can just go home and bathe..and everything will be like as before..
nothing changes..no damage is done,because we'll still look the same again..
or can even look fresher,better,stronger,happier than before..
when it may all just be a facade,to protect ourself..
not no damage but rather,the damage done isnt just on the outside,not just sth so simple about getting dirty with mud..
it's deep inside..not visible at all..
and no one knows,no one can see,how deep the scar really is..
no can feel the pain..
even i also don't know how deep it rly is..
i just know it's badly scarred..
so deeply scarred..
because up till now,it still hurts,can still feel the pain inside..

cf teacher is such a good teacher..
always putting in so much,finding ways to teach us better,teaching us to the best he can..
he's naggy,always nagging,repeating,but he rly just want us to learn better..
not just teaching us what's in the notes..
but also,telling us how to study better,telling us about life..
motivating us somehow,telling us many meaningful things,to teach us,to walk a better path in our lives..

i rmb the first lesson,he was rly fierce and not v nice..
then the second lesson was cancelled because he got really sick..
rmb was out with ahgong tt day aft sch,and got tt sch msg saying his lecture tml will be cancelled..
and was so happy..not knowing that he actually was in quite a serious condition..
when he came back,he told us what happened..like he was driving on the way home..
then felt breathless and almost couldnt drive properly and stuff and it seems quite bad..
and he had to stay in hospital for observation..
since then,it seems like his attitude changed..
i dunno if i'm too sensitive or wad..but just felt that he did change somehow..
and from then on,at the end of the lect,he'll always say take care,be well,have a safe journey home..
even though the rest of the class doesnt rly seem to listen,just packing their stuff..
but i always looked at him saying that..
won't forget him as my teacher and won't forget all the meaningful things he said,taught us..
hope that he'll be well and continue to be healthy also..


dinner w kengx and gang before exams are here..
and we were talking..
kengx talking about the guy and the girl in her clique..
talked alot..
and then manman was asking why does it seem so easy for others to get attached..
and she was thinking about the theory of the apple tree that beet told us that time..
it says..

"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.So the apples at the
top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. "

she was thinking,if we rly are those apples on top of the tree..
frens around arent bad girls,like those rotten apples,but they are happily attached with good guys..
then why are those 'rotten apples' so easily picked up,attached time after time..
so where exactly are we on the apple tree..or does that theory really hold..
are we apples..or other fruits??


beet was saying we're all just waiting for tt one day to come,and we'll meet that person..
wait and that day will come..
manman says why their wait so fast,so easy..
why is it so different from us..
beet and kengx believe so much in waiting..
and that the day will really come..and that person is somewhere out there..
just tt our wait will be longer and it'll be good..
it's rly about waiting long long,and it'll be ok..
both kengx and beet believe in it so much..
only manman and me..


i used to believe that if we wait..
one day,we'll meet that one impt person of our life..
esp when i met that ahgong,i really thought and believed that waiting will rly payoff..
esp when we werent even tgt yet,but the ahgong was thinking about it so seriously and asked if i would wait for him,4 yrs later,if he had to continue to work there aft he grad..and he seemed to see and want that ahpoh in his future,even 4 years later..
and because of that and our 'accidental meeting'..
i thought there was rly such a thing called fate,and that ahgong will be the one,and my waiting rly was worth it,and it paid off..
because it was like a dream come true..something that i wanted,was waiting for..
because i believed in it so much,and it rly happened..
because i waited,and i met that ahgong..
and meeting that ahgong was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..
but what happened..
and the bad things seem so much more for me to handle..


and now,i just choose not to believe in it anymore..
not to believe in anything anymore..
because it isnt true..
and because i believed so much,that's why it hurts even more,when it didnt turn out to be what we thought will be..




dearest hamster minnie left us on monday..25/04/11..
she's only been with us for like less than 3 months..

don't know why so sudden..
when she was still ok,happily running around,eating so much and playing with us..
last week still put her on the floor tgt w mickey,and aunt's rabbit..
and she was the smallest,yet she wasnt afraid of them..still tried to 'squeeze' mickey..and still ate the food with them,and abit ice cream..

still gave her carrots that day morn,saw her lying there so guai,resting..
if not,normally always like to run around,climb here and there..
and i just looked at her,her tiny body,and could see her heartbeats..
and was still thinking,so amazing,such a little thing,how small would their heart be..
how would i know her resting there would have indicated that maybe something was wrong already..
i should have carried her,for the last time..=(
then at night,we were all shocked..
bro still thought she was slping,and cant believe it..
seems like her body was like tensed up,like she went in pain..
haix..
guess she must have been sick or what,but we all didnt know..

that day i still called her wrongly,called her orhorh..missing orhorh..
aunt still always saying why she wont grow fat..
but we always say she eat alot leh..thought it'll be fine..
who knows all those may be signs..
haix..poor little minnie..
that naughty little girl,always trying to stand up and want to grab and play with our fingers when we want to carry her..and also almost always want to bite..
rmb dad still played w her and she still bite dad's finger so hard,was dangling there..

byebye minnie..
missing orhorh and minnie..



27/04/11 -
today is the last day of lessons for year 2..
so fast..very very very fast..
and exams in less than 2 weeks time..
really really really tired already..
never feel so tired before..
and rly such a big barrier to cross,to overcome..


it seems like ytd when sch just started after the long hols..
and this last day,i cant help but rmb how the first day of year 2 started off..so happily..
sch started on 21/09/10,a tuesday..

the day before sch reopen last year,o was still trying to ask us out,for movie,go out,w ahgong,and gallan..the 4 of us..
didnt want to go bec mum wasnt v happy..and told tt ahgong we shd ps them and let them 2 go 'pa toh' on their own..
ended up tt ahgong pao toh me..and then still dare to msg and say he pao toh me..
and called..and i told him later o will scold me le,why he go tell her what i say..
and he still say nvm,will help me,'protect' me,and talk to o..
that ahgong was trying so hard to persuade me go also..and he just ended work..
said will go home first,then we go tgt..

but ended up,he reached home and msged..said was pissed by his mum,don't want go le..
the first time i saw that ahgong so angry somehow,scared,didnt know what to do..
msg ask him eat choc,send him his tt pic,etc..trying to cheer him up..
even gallan was saying he rly like so pissed..
so end up 2 of them went on their own..
we msged..
then becux of somethings i said..
he suddenly called in the middle of the night when i was about to slp..
and i got a shock..
the first time somehow we started to talk about random stuff..so late at night..
and i ended up cannot go back to slp when there's sch early next day..

rmb first day's lessons..got so much notes..
but after sch still carry them all and went to collect F1 tics w noobie..
and tt ahgong was msging whether want to go out or not with them..
aft work,o called and ended up unhappy again,bec i didnt want to go again..
tried calling her,didnt pick up and ahgong also..
thought he was angry too,but ended up he was talking to mum..
in the end,decided to go..and i was glad i went that day..
because it was one of the best days we spent tgt..

doing so many things..just us,when they ps-ed us..
still rmb tt ahgong was asking when i told him i went to get F1 tics..
still ask who i go with to take,go watch w who,bf or wad..asking so much..
tt first htht,the stairs at the merlion..
first time tt ahgong opened up..and got to know so much..when we weren't rly tt close..
so many things we did..so close..
esp cant forget how we walk in the middle of tt f1 track,stucked inside,surrounded by those fences..walking in rounds..
and all those strong lightings..such an experience..
if only i took a pic..

those empty streets,just us..
and tt ahgong keep asking if i'm tired..
can never forget tt day..
it was like only the 2nd or 3rd time we went out tgt..
but tt ahgong still pei me talk on the phone on the way home..
bec i didnt want him to share taxi w me..
talk as if we knew for v long..when in fact,such a short short time only..
tt 'connection','no distance' smhw,so weird..

when we were home,still msg,and both of us were hungry..
talked about wanting to cook maggi,but cant,must control..
went home so late,when still had sch the next day..

and bec of tt day,my status,was it just a dream..
and he also ended up posting stuff..
in btw we didnt msg or what..but 2 days later..
he msged to go out,not with them,just u and me,he said..
still rmb tt day jean was asking,if we had anything,or what,wait and see..
then he suddenly msged..wanted go barrage..
then i replied jean,don't need wait and see le,he just msged..

from that day,the start of the talking on the phone everyday..
and that first day,already on phone so long..
we on and off was on the ph for 3hrs+??him ordering mac?
and he still simply sang and played guitar..
that guan huai fang shi song i can never forget,the best i heard..

and the subsequent outings..tt first time out,just us,aft sch..
him msging when just woke up,and rmb the stuff he said,asking what to wear,if i was excited,etc,just made me smile looking at the msges,in the middle of the lecture..
jean msging asking me how i was feeling,scared or not,say will 'pei' me,by msging me..
ask me if i got wear nice nice or what..
and that particular moment i got off the bus,then i was facing noobie..
and she pointed behind me and ask if tt's him..then i turn around and saw tt ahgong..in white..
i can never forget tt moment..i don't know why..
everything and everything..

aft tt day out,then jean was so excited and asking me what we did..
nx day at sch,noobie was also asking..
and i was so happy..

year 2 started off to seem so perfect,so happy..
but what has happened now..totally opposite..
i still find those smiles so fake..
smiling for the sake of smiling,infront of friends..
so that they all think it's all gone already..
so fake until i really don't know how it was like to have a genuine smile,last time..
so tired..

and on fb just now,still saw my fren's previous status updates at the side..the status from last year..talking about meeting up..
and my fren so excited,happily commented saying will dig out all the info from me,about us,about that ahgong..

and i thought,how pathetic it was..
because i didnt even really got a chance to tell them about us,how we met,how we started and stuff..
i only rmb after thinking very long,to tell one fren online..
and she was so excited,happy..
still saying,they were right to always say,i'll be the first to be attached among us..
still tell me not to tell the other fren first,must tell face to face,so that she can see her expression..
i thought of wanting to see her expression too,wanted so much to tell them face to face about everything also..but ended up,i never got the chance to..
they knew abit somehow,when i told them we were rethinking again..
but all said he's a good guy to think so much,it'll be ok..

ended up,i didnt rly get to tell them our story..
didnt get to tell them all the little little things tt ahgong did,that meant so much to that ahpoh..
instead,they only got to hear of all the 'bad things' that happened..
such a drastic change..
their first impression of such a good and sweet guy,hearing the things he did,saying i so lucky,jealous,also want get bf le..
but it all totally changed..
so happy for me,and then so worried for me..


it's been more than 6 months already..so fast..
what a journey..how long i've come..been through..
yes,i havent totally get over it..
i know because it's still affecting me when she tells me stuff..
it's so hard..
but i'm still smhw back to my norm life already..
but just that each and everyday,i still have to fight so hard..
to not think of that ahgong,esp during this exam period..
but everyday i fail terribly..
and i hate myself..for thinking of him,missing him,still..
dumb dumb..
and yes,like what he said..
or rather did he used what i told him..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

no one knows how bad it feels like missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..and esp when tt person is actually a big big baddie in everyone's eyes..how it feels like to know you're missing someone like that..but you just cant help it..how it feels like to seem so silly,if others know you're still thinking and missing him..

but that ahpoh just cant help it,cant control..
it's so so hard..
to not think,miss that ahgong,much less forgetting totally..

what a crazy journey,crazy and toughest part of my life..
so tired..
for trying so hard..to fight this..


a random thought popped up that day..
and i thought how stupid,dumb i am..
i thought back..
and rmb those guys tt almost became as impt as tt ahgong,to me..
but i just let them slip away,one after another,for some reason or other..
one,my fren didnt rly like him,and even thought he wasnt rly a gd guy..
bt ended up,he is a gd guy..
those i thought for so long,or didnt choose,run away,and ended up slip away..
ended up,they were all good guys and seems like almost all are happily attached..
and i thought it was so funny,so silly of me,that i didnt choose them,those 'good guys'..
and then spending so long,trying to get over the last,wanted to slowly find,wait..
and i ended up meeting that ahgong,finding that ahgong..
but end up he's the 'bad guy',everyone thinks..
and i guess,they all think,the worst one can be with seeing what he did..
after such a long time,i actually chose such a 'bad guy',they all feel,see..??
how dumb can i get,really..
was that what i deserved..

when i really thought slowly,waiting would somehow be worthwile in the end..
but ended up choosing a 'bad guy'..
but still,yes the wait was worthwile..
because it was tt ahgong that i met..
maybe if it was someone else,and all those happened,i wouldnt think its worthwile..
but because of that ahgong..
that became so impt,so special,to that ahpoh..
that made it worthwhile..


it's not nice to wake up everyday and the first thing in ur mind is about studying..
keep thinking about studying when i'm doing other stuff,but when i'm rly sitting there studying..
end up getting restless so fast,and absorb so little,so slowly..
dumb dumb me..

this year subj are so much more crazier than last year..
so much so much of content..and crazy maths,formulas..
hate corp finance!
all just based on estimations..assumptions,assumptions and assumptions..
and i thought back last year,did we started so early on revision..
like 2 mths before??
and i can't rly rmb,but i guess we didnt..
and thinking back,it seems like last year subj were rly easy..
if only this year's too..

went for shing's dad funeral tt day..
so tired from sch but so worried and just wanted to see her and see how she was..
and when we reached..really shocked by her..
so so so strong..no tears,no saddness on her face..
still smiling when she saw us..talked and joked..
i saw her and really felt so xin tong for her..
holding her hands,pat,hug her,but ended up i was the useless one tt almost cried..
because of how she kept smiling and saying i'm ok,i'm ok..
and still pat me back instead..
saw daddy chan,and he rly lost alot weight and looked like he suffered alot the past few months..and seeing him i wonder how sotong went through it all..
it was really hard for her..

i know she wasn't that ok..from all the things she say in the msges..
act so stong infront of me also,but her msges say a diff thing..
she was putting up such a strong front..infront of everybody..
and rly hurts to see her having to be like that..
because i guess others don't know what she was rly thinking inside..
thinking she's rly so strong,and can do it..
but in actual fact,she got so much things inside her,thinking and thinking..
till she cant concentrate studying..don't know what to do..
seeing her mum sorting out pics crying..
she feels so xin tong and don't know whether she should pei her more or cont to study for the exam in just 2 weeks..her final yr exams..
haix..and we cant do anything..except for comforting and talking to her..
this is really her fight now..
and we'll all be behind her..
jiayous my dearest sotong chan..
and rip,dearest sotong chan's daddy..
we'll help u look after her also,dont worry,an xin ba..


3 more weeks to exams..and it's so fast..
seems like ytd when we just took our exams last year..
finish exams and started looking for jobs..
rmb after my last pp,still met sotong chan and pei her do manicure and dinner..
one year ago she was still the happy happy shing ee..
and never would have expected that one year later this have to happen to her..
and her 21st bday celeb in sept..seeing her with family so happy..
who would have known tt in dec they would get the worst news ever..
the unpredictability and fragility of life..
and i'm so scared to think,what will happen when my closed ones leave me too..
so scared of tt day..and never ever want it to come..
because i know i'm not as strong as sotong chan..
why is life so unpredictable,so short,so fragile..
and the thought is rly scary..
still enjoying family times,and now treasuring it even more..

the sec day left the funeral late,and miss the sec bus..
and i decided to walk home from hougang mrt..
crazy one hour walk,in the middle of the night..
thinking through so much things..
taking a breather from the extreme stress..
walked pass tt flyover to kovan..
and had to think of tt ahgong,how he drove the wrong way,and went up the flyover instead of the other way,and ended up going one round to send me home..
i hate to rmb..


i hate the thought tt aft exams have to start looking for jobs already..
because it'll again just remind me of last year and all the things at sh..
i thought of the diff jobs i could have chosen instead..
if i had chosen them,then maybe i wouldnt have gone through such a crazy and tiring past few months..
why did i choose the job at sh,if not i would not have suffered so much..
or should i be happy,lucky tt i chose tt job..
if not i never would have met tt ahgong..and had the happiest and greatest time..
the past few mths was tiring,crazy,but quite a learning experience too..

since before prelims was already very stressed and so much things happened that added on to it..and felt so bad..
up till now,i still havent talked to olivia..haven say sry to her..
don't want to msg her during this exam period,bec i dun wan to see her replies..
so scared of her replies..
don't want to get even more stressed or get unhappy or wad..
don't want to be affected by anything right now,so i can only choose to escape..
but every single day,i have to keep thinking sbout it all..
and it's rly taking a toll on me..how long it have been w me already..
the thought everyday..for the past few months..i havent have a good talk w her..
i havent say sorry to her..even though i didnt do anything wrong..
it just feels so bad..
seeing the things she posts,seems like saying us,i guess she must be thinking it doesnt matter to me,doesnt affect me at all..when it bothers me every single day..
doesnt matter,i can be the 'bad guy' for now..
and yes,so many things bothering me,worried about this and that..worried about shing,then vic,then jean..omg..

so tired of how life really is..
tired from all the happenings..
not just my own,but also from friends around me..
not tired from hearing it from them,but rather,tired to hear of how this life is really like,think of why must life be like this..this crazy world..
the cruel world..the evil world..the unfair world..?
why is the world such a complicated one..
when all we want is just a simple and happy life..
and our lives have always been so simple,so easy..
why is something so simple,so hard to achieve..

my crazy happenings,then sotong shing,then auntie vic also went through a great deal..and jean in beijing also..
why such a 'happening' time..of our lives..and all at the same time..
really draining,tired of this crazy life..
tired of how this life is bec,auntie vic went through sth so similar also..
and get to see the ugly side of ppl,even those whom u are so close to,or anyone around u that u least expected them to be like that..
and i just cant believe..that it happened to me,and to auntie vic also..
and that there rly are so many ppl so 'fake'..
it's so crazy or rather scary..
and makes us wonder how can they be like this..
what do they stand to gain from all their actions..
from their backstabbing,their selfish acts??
the complexity of life and people..
or is it that we're too simple minded,naive,too trusting..
so,we all went through a valuable lesson..


and yes,she have been still msging me from time to time to ask how am i,asked about my bkk trip,her sch,chat abit,etc..
somehow rly like friends..close friends??
and i always wonder,how do i talk to her..
can she be a fren or shd be someone i hate..
can i rly forgive her..i don't know..
i just msg her and not think of those..
and i got to know so much more stuff from her each time..

i always wanted to go back to sh and work again..
but now i really dunno if i can..
i always thought only two friends should know maybe there was sth btw tt ahgong and me..and maybe don't know what happened after i left..
one of them was trying to bring us tgt..and the other saw hw tt ahgong called me to want to join us..and when he got off first,still msged to say worry we get lost and asked me to msg him when home..
and maybe one or two other guessing,when they saw us leaving tgt at the 2 outings..
i thought that was all they will know,then ok..
but ended up,almost the whole big grp,dept clique know almost everything!
first i couldnt face olivia,then now,i rly dunno how to face them all..
feel so embarrased..
how to go back..and i rly miss those times there with them..
how we all slowly,one by one cliqued and became a bigger and bigger group..
and started having those late night outings tgt..
thought and looked forward to more to come..but ended up..i cant join them..
and they are all still having those outings now..
and tt couple,that tt ahgong and me joked saying we end up faster than them,is still happily tgt..

should i feel happy or what..because they all ended up outcasting her and tt ahgong..
when they somehow got to know what happened..
she said they shd have thought she interfered in our rs..tt's why..
they stopped toking to them,stopped asking them out to outings..
i feel so bad,for tt ahgong..because if they didnt know we had sth,then when they saw them or what,then they wouldnt have outcast them..
she said everyone told her to choose the other guy instead of tt ahgong..
because they said they werent compatible..
i feel so bad,because tt ahgong was like so close to tt guy who tried to helped us,close to others too..
i thought of how tt ahgong would have felt tt time when they all outcast them..
i thought of the other fren who know,ll,i wonder what she's thinking when she saw how he seemed to change so much tt time??
tt ahgong who asked me to go w him to shop for her bday present..
tt changed to someone she outcasted..
how would she think,if she knew how tt ahgong was thinking,deciding so hard and asking my opinion on what to buy for her..
how and what was she thinking,to see this great change in him..??
or maybe she didnt rly know him well then..

she said she chose tt ahgong because tt ahgong was better at playing the field??
and it was more exciting to make a 'wrong' decision??
and yes,because of tt and the things he hide from her..??she's sorry,not knowing that she robbed so much happiness from me,she said..
and that she regrets so much now,for not choosing the other guy instead..
and misses him so much now,thinking what to do..
and i can actually talk to her,and tell her if she rly likes him,then explain things to him,etc..
and up till now,she's still saying how much she hates that ahgong,and still rly wants revenge on him..
haix..
can revenge turn back time,can it change things..
if only it can..

all the things she said always make me ponder so much..
but i have no time to rly think about it now..
i guess maybe later..then think through everything..
bec of what happened to auntie vic,i rly dont know what to do also..
and she still refuses to believe her..


but i guess long time ago,it wasnt rly impt anymore whether i believed her or not..
because it rly became like a joke to me,that it rly didnt seem to 'affect me' anymore,somehow..
ytd during lect,i drift off abit..and suddenly,thought back and it all rly seemed like a dream,really..
really like it didnt happened..really felt like a long dream..
feels so weird..
and i have to ask myself,did it rly rly happened before..
or maybe time is just making it blurry??that it seemed like a dream..
and maybe soon enough,i will rly take it as a dream??it was never a reality..??
a dream,the sweetest dream coming true..minus off the nightmare at the end..
was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..
what i told him in the email..

when he was sick tt time,wanted to email him and ask how is he,but was so busy w prelims..so pushed it back..
and i told him some things he asked before,bt i didnt ans,if not i would never ever get a chance to tell him anymore..
and i said..
but having a eyecandy becoming a bf even if it was for a few hours,or one day..was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..

and a few hours after i sent tt email..he posted..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

him understanding what i'm feeling..??or is it how he's feeling towards his 2nd..

she knew i sent him tt email..
she talked to him and even tried to ask if he checked his mails..
but she said he havent check his mails for v long..and tt he gt a test the nx day,but he'll read it..

exact same words??such coincidence yet again..
and not just tt status..the nx few days,he still posted a disneyland video..
and in the email,i told him about what i actually thought of doing w tt ahgong tt time..
when tt ahgong said he wanted go bali and asked me go w him,i thought of wanting him to go w me to disneyland too..

not one,but two times this time..
and yet,he said,he havent check his emails for very long already..

so,we were thinking the same things??so coincident,that we thought of the same words,in just a few hours diff..
is there such things as 心有灵犀..so dumb..

and the other time,those 2 status he posted and then deleted..
and so many other statuses..

so dumb to 'think alike'..
i hate it..
but..i don't know..


so tired,really..
the little long needed getaway to bkk,wasnt enough..


never felt so helpless before,really..
never been in such a situation before,want so much to do sth,to help sotong shing..
but there's nth much we can do except to send her those msges,and trying to comfort her as much as we can..

knew he was in a critical condition already..and when i see shing's msg coming in..
i was rly scared..and when i read it..my heart really sanked..
it was already so hard for me to accept what i read..
cant imagine how pain and hard it would be for shing to accept it..

so xin tong for her..can feel her pain too..and tears welled..
because i can never imagine myself in her situation..
will never be as strong as she is..
but we all know,she have had a hard time these few months..
acting so strong infront of us and esp those who don't know anything..
putting up such a strong front,for her dad,for her mum..
can see her smiles and everything changed..
and up till now,not all sotongs know what happened..only 3 of us know..
and we really don't know how to help her..but to msg her and wait for her replies..

everytime asking her how is she and her dad..and she'll always say she's fine..
and she'll talk about her dad..
how he seem to be already counting his days..
how these few days he've been not rly conscious,and talking and behaving weirdly..
and all the things i hear her say,can really feel her pain and her helplessness..
she wants so much to do something,but cant..
telling me how the house seems so big and empty bec dad n mum are not around..
and i can only pray for her and tell her to stay strong,be postive for him..tell him not to think so negatively..

she said just didnt want dad to undergo anymore pain..he's so weak now,so kelian..
and she asked why is life so unfair..telling me life sucks,rly suck..
saying sometimes only when u are about to lose sth then u will learn to treasure..hao she bu de..she said..
and it's rly so xin tong to hear tt..

yes,why is life so unfair..
why must this happen to them so suddenly..and make them totally lost..
rmb hearing sotong chan talking on the ph w mum and dad,so happily,them asking her about supper,waiting for her to go home..and her calling them nicknames..
such a happy family,why must god let this happen to them and break them up..
dearest sotong going to grad soon le..and her dad cant even get to see it..and be proud of her and enjoy life a little..why is god so cruel..
last year end they just found out and they already couldnt do much,and this day their worst nightmare happened..
it all happened so quickly..the fragility of life..

know poor sotong rly suffered alot these past few months..
hanging on so tightly,strongly..
and throughout we could only say the same things to her..
and auntie vic and i don't know sigh-ed for how many times already,for being so helpess..cant help her remove any pain..
she's rly strong and wish she'll be even stronger for the journey ahead..cause it'll be tough..
so strong,she even told me,aft everything is settled..ask me pei her go buy swimsuit..and go jurong swimming pool play..
haix..
hate this feeling..

i wish life will be better for them,for their long journey ahead..

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