Why cant life be simple and nice..
Why cant it stop right there at the point,tt moment tt i'll nv forget..
That point where everything was so simple and nice and perfect,simple sweet happiness..
That point where we were just sitting on the bench under the night sky,enjoying the breeze,and gazing at stars..
Though there wasnt tt much breeze passing by,rmb tt night was humid,and both of us ended up so sticky..
But other than that,everything else was perfect,with the right person,the right moment,everything..
That ahgong even said if only the scenery infront is that of the sea..
Why cant life be just as simple as that..
Why cant we pause right there,at that perfect moment,or continue on simply without any problems..
Why is it so hard to achieve,see that in life..
Why must life be so complicated,or rather why must ppl be so complicated and mess up the simple life,world, we yearn for..
When happiness can be achieved so easily,and can be so simple and easy, simple till no one could have expected,imagined..

Our happiness was so easy..


那时刚认识他的时候，他总是能不经意的让我微笑，让我快乐的过一整天。
那是从未有人做到的，带给我的，那是真的快乐，简简单单的快乐。
就因为那样，我是感到如此如此的幸福，那从未感觉过的，简单的幸福，快乐和甜蜜。
可是，后来所发生的一切，让我质疑我真的幸福过吗，那是真的幸福，快乐吗，还是，是他所制造的假象，一个又一个精心编织出来的谎言？

我真的幸福过吗？

我们曾拥有着同一个梦想，才因此走进了彼此世界里，想一起实现它，让它不再仅仅是个梦。
我们曾一起期盼，梦想，甚至放眼，窥探进拥有彼此的未来。
我们曾一起度过的时光，如此短暂，但却充满美好的回忆。
足够我记得一辈子。


我们曾是擦肩而过的陌生人，却奇妙的碰上。
那瞬间决定了一切，也逐步让我们变成对彼此如此的重要。
永远也忘不了我们首次遇见的那一瞬间，谈话的那一瞬间，不知为什们它就深深的烙印在我脑海里。
他在他位子上，我站在他身旁，而我说的第一句话，竟是问他是不是叫~，问他是不是我要找的人。
他那表情，言行举止，我们的对话，一切的一切都如此的深刻，清晰。

我们俩都没想到那一瞬间，那次的碰面仅是一切的开始，一切一切已慢慢的开始。
一位陌生客人，就这样轻易地改变了我们两个陌生人的宿命，带给了我的生命如此大的变化，惊天动地的。
就只因为一位陌生人，却奇妙的让我们俩从陌生人变成，对彼此都如此重要，也让我们踏进了彼此的世界里。

他的耐心，贴心，温柔，深思搜率;他所说的一切，所做的一切，对我所许下的诺言，甚至也要我承诺，答应他的事，一切都让我看到他的决心，如此的认真，相似准备着，想要我们俩更容易的，手牵着手，一起踏上那长长的旅程，我们共同的旅程，踏进拥有彼此的未来。
就因为他，才让我好不容易的鼓起勇气，真的想要去珍惜这次的机会。
一切的一切让我感到如此的幸运，高兴，让我相信真的有缘分这东西，让我相信只要我们深信，一切都会实现。
因为那时我是那么的深信着，只要耐心等待，仔细寻找，一定会遇见我们所在等待的那个人。
而我真的遇到了，他真的是我所一直向往的那个人，所梦想要的那个人。

可是无奈，一切却不是我以为的那么完美，不是梦想成真。
而是演变成我人生中最可怕的噩梦，最可笑的笑话;留下的不是甜美的回忆，而是无法抹灭，丑陋的伤痕。
因为我当时是如此的深信，只要等待，一定会等到，但事实却不是如此，结果伤害更深，也让我不再相信。
那么，应该怪我自己太过天真吗，拥有,甚至深信与不切实际，幼稚的思想？
还是，该怪那个对我如此重要的人，他的出现，他那无法理解的行为？
到现在，我还是不知道。

我好想好想把全部的事情怪罪于他，想尽办法让自己，逼自己讨厌他，让自己好过些。
我真的好想怪他，但我做不到。
因为到现在我还是无法理解一个人，他，如何会有那么大的变化，太大太大的变化了;大得超出任何人可想像，可接受的范围; 大得让人感到害怕，纳闷，为何他能在如此短的时间里，变得像另外一个人似的，甚至变成他们所认为的‘怪兽’。
那个变了的他，对我来说是如此的陌生，可怕，我没看过那样的他，更没办法去想象，去对比那两个不同的他。
因为每当我试着去回忆我认识的那个他，想着我们所相处的欢乐时光，在想着现在他们所说那个可怕的他，眼泪就会情不自禁的夺眶而出，而我心里是如此如此的痛，无法想象的剧痛。
就因为我无法接受他的变化，我真的办不到，无法怪罪于他。

起初，或者到现在，我从没有放弃那怪自己的念头。
或者说，我好气我自己，气自己把自己的幸福送走，摧毁它。
如果当初我没那么害怕，胆怯，没那么去在乎他，怕他会不会后悔，不去问他，要他再想清楚，而给他和自己多一点信心，或许这一切就不会发生了，而我也不会过着如此痛苦的日子。
或许我们还会在一起，高高兴兴，幸福的在一起。
因为我们曾经，甚至憧憬着，想着，讨论着未来，四年后，他毕业了我们会是怎样。

但有时我想这一切不应该怪我自己，因为我应该是被他们伤得最深的，受害人。
一直不断告诉自己我没犯任何的错，应该是他们有愧于我。
但，要说服自己真的好难好难。
我一想到在我第二次再开口问那句话前，一切还是如此的幸福时，我的心就好痛好痛。
因为那些温馨，幸福，快乐的画面都会不由自主的浮现在我脑海里。
我好想自己能是微笑地回想着那些回忆，该庆幸自己曾如此幸福过，但往往，泪水常在眼眶里打转。
而我真的不知道该不该感到庆幸，因为我永远永远也不会知道那些到底是不是真心的，一切都似乎被许许多多的故事，谎言给混淆了，分不出真假。


也就是这样，到现在，我还是被这一切的一切所困住，折磨着，没办法接受，理解; 释怀，放开，忘记，更没我要的答案，那我害怕知道的答案。

想到我们曾在彼此生命是如何的重要，现在我们却好像又变回以往那样，变回两个素未蒙面的陌生人，只会让我感到心痛，心酸。
或许，对他来说，那阿婆早已消失，再也不重要，但对我来说，那阿公还是如此如此的重要，永远会留在我心里深处。



唯一我知道的答案是，我真的幸福过。
我感觉过，我相信他，我曾经拥有如此甜美的回忆，如此幸福的幸福，简单的幸福快乐。

我真的幸福过。


最幸福的事
梁文音


你撑着雨伞 借我那次
已经足够我 记得一辈子
我懂后来你 不是不坚持
爱情本来就 没万无一失

泪水离开了 你的手指
那不如让它 流在这信纸
我想女孩子 最贴心的是
让爱的人选 结束的方式

*我最幸福的事 当过你的天使
趁鼻酸能掩饰 让我们像当时拥抱最后一次
最幸福的事 吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势
为挚爱的人 在左边心口保留位置 是最幸福的事

可惜爱不是 童话故事
不能够永远 依赖着王子
再难过其实 只剩两个字
我怎么忍心 为难你解释



那一阵子有你 美得不像现实
多高兴每一幕 都微笑着静止

我最幸福的事 牵着你的日子
一段爱从开始 直至分开我们都对彼此诚实
最幸福的事 对那片海用力大喊永远的样子
想得起的事 那天和你傻笑着认识 是最幸福的事


now that exams are over..
it feels even more empty..
there's nth to work for,work towards or any work to think of..
to keep myself busy..
just feel like it's rly rly empty..

sotong gathering ytd aft so long..
awhile ago..auntie vic already told me bout sotong wh getting a potential bf soon..
quite soon aft she just broke w her previous,our classmate..
and then ytd she cfm n told us..
the guy told her to give him an ans aft the exams,like setting a date..
and when ahma heard,thought it was funny to set a date..
but said,worst,her fren actually set a date for break up..
saying if they didnt settle their prob by a date,they should break..
does setting a date helps??

i just think of how at tt ahgong house..
he kept asking me to give him a date..for him to think through and give me an ans..
but i didnt give him a date..
because i didnt want to force or stress him,just wanted him to think properly,slowly..
like right from the beginning..
even though as much as i wanted it,i didnt tightly grab hold of it and not let go,didnt tell him,didnt think for myself once..
instead,just told him to think again,like it wont matter much to me..

and now,i just think about it,and it just makes me dun undstd even more,so funny..
why did he ask me to give him a date..
when according to her,at tt time,he was already making his move on her..
why asked me for such things when u already want to give up..
does it make u feel better,doesnt it make u feel more guilty??
or what exactly were you thinking..

why asked if i rly wanted to try..
why asked and said so much silly things tt day,and all ur actions,tt meant so much..
why so stupid to make someone more hurt by asking her tt,when u are alrdy 'having fun' w someone else..
why,when u totally had no reason to say all those,when u already decided her..
why did u say that..you could have said nth at all..

why did u have to say all those and hurt her more and make her seem like a fool now..
hearing all those and then thinking back at how you said all those stuff,and how i judged how you felt from your actions,words,then..
like a fool that cant judge what's right and wrong..
like a fool that cant tell lies,crap from truth..
like a fool that can only hear things from other ppl,like her mind have to be manipulated by ppl..
she cant decide whats wrong..she can never..
like a fool..
is it so fun..
i believed you,so much..
but i just cant help but feel like a fool..

you'll never know you've put me through..no one will..
putting me through this crazy thing tt's following me all these months..
haunting me..
you'll never know how pain it is..
and her..i know she's a victim too..
how she's telling me how she feel her life is being ruined by him..
how hurt she is..i know..i sympathise her..
but she'll never know what kind of hurt i went through,what they put me through..
so much so that,i dont know if its comparable..
yes,i know their 'diff kind' of rs..must have made it hurt more..
but i just cant help but think,when they were tgt tt time,enjoying themselves..
esp tt xmas season..when they were so happy tgt..
what was i feeling,doing..
feeling so disgusted,nauseous at the sight of food or maybe inside the toilet,crying,or trying to hold back my tears infront of my family,and putting on tt fake smile,pretending i'm happy happy,when i'm not..
no one will know how pain it is to pretend to laugh and smile,when u're not at all happy,when inside it's burning pain..
because you just wanted to be strong infront of others,and family,and didnt want them to worry..
it's crazy..like hell..

while u all were celebrating xmas tgt..
i could only rmb how tt ahgong asked bef what i wanted for xmas just nice 3 mths in adv tt day..
rmb how i was on the ph w him at the mrt station..heard tt train is coming,courtesy campaign song thingy..
told him sounds like xmas..
and he asked what present i want for xmas..
rmb was smiling about it when he asked,who would sillyly ask about xmas present when it was 3 mths later..
and was thinking what would he get me,if i didnt tell him..
and tt was what i got..

time aft time,i told myself i should hate tt ahgong,hate them as much as i can to make things easier for me,and forget them forever..
but i just fail terribly..
esp when i rmb tt ahgong's msg to vic,asking her to tk care of me real well..
it just make me believe a little,think that tt ahgong cant be tt bad,it couldnt be the real him,that she's telling me..
beacause that action of his..
that him..was the REAL him,that ahgong that i got to know of..
it's so diff from the him tt she told me..that he later changed to..
so so so diff..and it's so scary..
i hate to accept it..


wh was telling sotongs all the sweet things her bf did..
yes,alot more touching things than those tt ahgong did..
and it just reminded me of those tt ahgong did..
wh said about what he did when he felt he made her angry one time..
and i just cant help bt rmb how tt ahgong was sitting beside me and msged me and said sry because i sounded angry bec he didnt reply my msg..
and aft tt still kept saying sry..
it was also so sweet,someone msging u sry,when u're just sitting side by side..
and esp we didnt know each other v long,but tt ahgong could notice sth was wrong just over the ph..
wh and her bf knew each other for quite some time already..
it could have been easier..

other sweet things,tt ahgong did also..tt made me smiled from deep inside,like a silly girl..
like those sweet stuff wh's bf did..
and all the crazy memorable things we did and experienced tgt..
but why did tt ahgong do all those sweet things,and ended up like this..
in just a short time..it's crazy..

again,why is it so easy for others..



I don't hate you,I never could.
I don't regret meeting you,I never will.
That ahpoh will never regret meeting that ahgong.


bro's finally coming back tml from cambodia from his sch trip tml,or rather later..
and he'll just be in time to watch the f1 race tml too..
glutton still brought lipton tea,milo,tibits,over when he's just there for 5 days..
feels so weird tt's he's not home..
and mum's cooking lesser cause without our 'vacum cleaner' to eat all the food leftover,so much will be wasted..


dad bought supper back..white carrot cake..
and the last time i ate white carrot cake was with tt ahgong..
like black one better,seldom eat white de..
and as i was eating,rly trying so hard to not think,could feel those tears..
just cant help but rmb..

the last time i ate it with that ahgong at chomp tt night..
while tt ahgong was talking to o on the ph,i went to help him order his hokkien mee..rojak..our drinks..
when we were msging before meeting up..
rmb he msged saying he'll treat ok,w a smiley face..
cause i was like waiting for him to be done,and it was late..
but i quickly paid bef the food came..
then tt ahgong wanted carrot cake..asked black or white..
and i said anything..and then he ordered white de..
so i know tt ahgong liked white carrot cake,not black de..
and tt was the last time i eat white carrot cake..happily w tt ahgong..and i still fed him those prawns..

i rly hate eating those things i ate bef w tt ahgong..
brings back so much memories,so much pain somehow..
so pathetic,eating until feel like crying..
i used to always like to eat the fish soup noodles opp my house..
norm always have it for dinner if nv go out during wkends and mum dun cook..
the last time i had it was tt dinner i had at home bef going out to meet tt ahgong on our first day..
and i rmb i was watching tv,happily eating it,and then dad was going to go out le..
asking when i going out and still told me mm lee wife,kwa geok choo,passed away..
and i rmb i was shocked and asked dad how he know..
now,during wkends when we need pack dinner,and there's nth much to eat,i'd rather don't eat..and i'll never eat tt fish soup noodle..
till one day when the pain goes away,maybe..


just now went for lunch date w kengx and jy,without beets,who should be happily in rome now..touring around..
havent been out alot for the past few mths..and feels abit weird..
and tcc had this little booklet thing..w tarot readings..
so we tried it out..
don't know if it's accurate or not..
but really hope it is..

aft lunch,walked ard ion w kengx..
and walked pass tt coffee bean we were at out first time out..
was going to go down the escalator..
and cant help but kept staring and turn back and look at the shop..
trying to spot the table we sat at..
the spot where we were so happy..
where tt ahgong and ahpoh was at,talking..
and where tt scheming ahgong was secretly taking so many pic of tt ahpoh..
trying to show he was using his ph doing other things when he was taking pics..
and aft being 'discovered'..
tt ahgong was happily sliding through showing me the pics and 'showing off'..
the spot where tt ahgong pose for me to take pics of him..
showing those funny faces..tt shuai face..tt ahgong..


aunt was telling me just now about the show we're watching..bones..
sth tt guy said in the show..to the girl..
saying no matter how many woman a guy have in his life,he'll always go back to his first..
and i thought,of tt ahgong..him going back to his first??
seems not possible,when it wasnt rly true from the beginning..
but which of his is true anyway,i rly dunno..maybe cindy's the only one?i dunno..
i dun even noe if tt ahpoh was true,whether did she rly existed..

and i thought does it apply to girls as well..tt we go back to our first?
my first cant rly be considered first..and the other didnt seem like it also..
and i thought tt ahgong should be the 'first love' somehow..
the sweetest and best period of my life..
and because of how long i'm taking to recover,how serious we were,or maybe just me,how hurt i was,in such a short time..
but its not up to me to decide..
saying i want to go back means i can go back to tt ahgong straight..?no..
it wont happen like this..and i would seem so stupid to do so..



'Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew..'

that's how hard it is..


audit paper today,the last paper.
and it marks the end of year 2 uni life.
yet another year passed just like that.zoom past.
time really flies.one year passing like one month.
and soon it'll be our final year already.
so scary.

everytime aft exams,there will be this feeling..
when everything's supposed to be over already,can slack and do nothing..
but we'll feel so weird,uneasy,like there's sth to be done,when in fact,we have nth to do at all for the nx few months!
and now,suddenly,it feels like everything lost its meaning..
like nth seems to matter anymore..
so tired..

sent beets off at the airport..off she goes for her one month europe grad trip..
so excited for her,so envious too..
saw the timetable itenary they planned..so interesting..
waiting for our turn next year..


finally,everything is over.
and i hanged on rly rly rly tight and braved through it all.
did i survive and come out stronger or did i barely struggle through and now it seems..


i think i had the most sound slp ytd since dunno how long ago..
from all the accumulated tiredness the past few crazy months..
slp until the first time ever,my blanket was on the floor..
don't know how i slp until it was on the floor..
always cover properly and hang on,hug the blanket somehow and slp w it..
never once the whole blanket drop..maybe one of my many pillows can drop,but not the blanket..
drop until i didnt know until it got rly cold..
how tired was i..
and mum wake me up to ask me go out..and i cont slping..until she called me again..
and i still asked her calling me or my sis..she said me..and i still asked wake up for wad,go where..when i promised aunt to go help her w moving tdy..
and i cont slping in the car,slp so well until i even had dreams..

should i be happy for myself,so tired all these times,from everything,all the crazy happening,studying,etc..
never never been so tired before..physically and mentally..
but i hanged on and survived till now..
am i stronger now..
i guess not..



i act like it wasnt a big deal anymore,when it really still is breaking my heart..
everyday i smile and act like nothing's wrong..
but it's called putting everything aside and simply being strong..
behind my smile is everything you'll never understand,no one truly will..
because up till now,only that ahgong truly made me smile so much more,than anyone else did..

that ahpoh's smile will never be the same and won't have the same meaning anymore..


finally~
the crazy 3 consecutive papers are over so fast!rly fast!like just zoomed past..
3 out of 4 paper done!

crazy past few days..first 2 papers afternoon papers..still ok..
go home already late..but still need study..then study till 5,wake up 8 continue again..omg..
last paper was morn paper..and previous day still reached home so late le..and my tiredness rly reached the max point,almost 'breaking point' le..
rly felt like giving up since there was so much to cover..but hanged on tight..
noobie said fight till the end..so my fight till the end,is study as much as i can,and just go in and take the paper,no matter what..even though feel so super not prepared..

this exam,really 'breaking record'..
since dont know how long ago,started studying till 5 everyday..
since i always cant drag myself out of bed early..
and then total 10 hrs of slp for 3 days..from sun till today..rly crazy..
bef the first pp was so scared,cant slp..and noobie said she slp so early,and slp so long..so her 1 day+ of slping time was equal to my 3 days of slp!!

rly chiong like crazy,like studying with eyes half opened,and rly like panda,whole area ard eye like rly black..
coffee plus more coffee..though dont rly have much effect on me,it's just the mental thinking tt drink le will be more awake..
and yes i survived through this craziest exam,3 heavy subj,3 consecutive days..
so tired..until almost cant talk properly aft the paper..

haven feel this exhaustion,lack of slp for very long already..
rmb the last time,slping so little..was that time when sch just reopen..
first time talk to that ahgong on ph,till late..nx day still gt sch..
then aft sch still went out w him and go home late..then nx day gt sch again..
so it was ard 8 hrs of slp for 2 days..
but now 10 hrs for 3 days!rly crazy..
thankfully,the last paper is next week!!got time to rest and clear my slp debt..

and joke of the day for tdy..noobie yang..
corp finance pp tdy..to do 4 out of 8 qns..theory or calc type..
difficult paper plus we didnt study finish..
so tough until cant rly complete half of those calc qns..
and so..noobie said she had time to go through and try all the qns..and then settling on tt 4..and then still had half an hr left,nth to do..
macro teacher said before,we cant do a qns halfway and then cancel off and start on another qns,won't have time..
but noobie didnt just do it once!she did it all and still have time left..hahax..
pro noobie!

although done with more than half of the papers..just one more paper to go!
but cant rly feel the excitement..not like how i felt last year,cant wait..
though the remaining of may and beginning of june already lined up for so much outings..still dont rly feel tt 'happy feeling' coming..
esp,the thought of finding work..
rly don't feel like finding work..
rly feel like going back sh to work..
but don't know if i can face them all again,esp o..
it feels so bad,esp when i didnt do anything wrong..why do i have to be scared to go back and face them..
but it's just that feeling..
i know they'll all be reminded of it,if they see me again,back there..


i hate this feeling that everything,all the things that happened,all the outings,all the work experience there..
and from stranger with that ahgong,to a friend,to my ahgong..
this feeling that all the things that happened btw us,just seem like ytd..
all the happy times,all the happiness seem just so 'close',like it wasnt that long ago that i was still so happy,so so happy..
but actually,it should have been quite some time back,going to one year..
happiness dont seem that far away,that long ago..
that ahgong still said before..and i can never forget that sentence..
'i don't want you to be unhappy,i want you to be happy forever..'

and everytime i think of that sentence..my heart feels so pain,and tears inside..
because i keep thinking,that ahgong said that when we were reconsidering,he said how hard the long dist rs will be for us,for me,tts why he dont want me to be unhappy..
he wanted me to be happy forever..
tts why he wanted me to promise to be angry when he neglect me,so that he can 哄 me,and make me happy,and he'll like to do it,he said..
but what has he done all these time..
he never made me happy aft he said that..

instead,just created more and more hurt,and unhappiness..
how can he do that,when he told me that somehow touching sentence..
did it rly come from deep within his heart,did he mean it when he said that..
i dont know,really..
i only know,that all the touching promises and meaningful things he said tt time,tt captured my heart so much,tt gave me so much happiness that time..
have all changed and make me feel more pain now..
should i feel happy that someone said all those stuff to me before..but all the words and promises didnt have time to be fulfilled..
or rather feel that i shd not have heard any of those,because it's causing so much misery and pain now..


it's really so fast,this one year!
still rmb last year,aft exam,dinner outing w sotongs..
went w kengx to lunch w beet,when she was having her internship,in the super crowded raffles place area..
went with kengx to recruit exp..and then got tt sh job..
it just seem like ytd only..
and now,beet going to grad le,some more going her europe grad trip next week!
it seems like ytd when we just grad from cedar!!
but now we're all so near to the end our our study life!


why is happiness so hard to come by..
and when it comes by,why is the happiness so easily gone..
why cant we even grab onto that happiness that we want so much,treasure so much..
the feeling of happiness can grow and grow,easily,day by day..
but who knows,the next moment it'll just be gone,and disappear forever..

end up the great happiness tt u once felt will only become that unbearable pain,that regret that forever stays in your heart..


we're not moving to new house yet..
and also..
dad says we don't have to move out of here yet,don't need to move to another house..

since dad decided to let them extend..
so for awhile,thought we had to move again,since our tenant raise the price so much,again..
in the end,both compromised..

don't know if should be happy or not..
didnt rly want to move to another rental place because it'll be so troublesome and so rushed..
to find a place,and pack all the stuff again..
and then one year later,do it all again..
then it'll be moving house 3 times in 3 years..
luckily we dont have to go through it one more time..
yes,for tt i should be happy..

i think the old contract was supposed to be up till next week..
so by right,we could have move in to new house next week..
but now,we'll just have to stay here for one more year..

for the past few mths,i always thought and looked forward to moving to our new house..
to leave everything behind here..
but then the past few weeks..thought about moving to another rental place..
and didnt like the thoughts..
didnt know how the new place will be like,thought will be not as nice as here now..
and also..i guess i still cant bear to just leave all the memories behind here..
so short time here..1yr+ only..
but yet so much,so much memories here..
this place where i spent one of my happiest time of my life..

this place where there's so much footprints that ahgong left behind,everywhere..
all the memories around..
the drop off below my house..that first time tt ahgong drove me home and dropped me there..
how when i went up,still went to balcony and see him..
and tt blur ahgong was still there looking at his gps figuring his way back home..
the long road,pavement in..how tt ahgong walked me home..and he walked on the road instead,making sure i walk on the pavement..
that bench at the playground..the happiest night,the happiest children's day..
the void deck,where we walked past..where we first held hands..how we fumbled a little..
the lift,where he walked me to and waited for me go up..
the bus stops..that stretch of walkway there..where we waited for taxi..and the things we did there..
everything..all the places..
and in the house..how i quietly sneaked into the house from those late nights out..
my bedroom,my bed,living room,kitchen,balcony..
the places where i always talked to that ahgong on the phone,happily,smiling..just simply hold on to the ph,talking about nth,teasing each other,or just simply hear him sing and play the guitar..

i'm supposed to..
but i just cant bear to let go,cant bear to leave it here and go to a new place yet..

i guess that's one of the main reason why i'm happy with not moving yet..
when i should be dumping them all here..and forget them..
silly me still cant do it yet..
and i'm so scared of that day where we rly move out of here..
thinking of that day now,can feel the pain inside..
for fear that all the happy memories will slowly fade and will rly be left behind and gone forever..
cause i dont want to forget those happy memories..
don't want to forget those memories,as part of my life..
as part of my journey alone now,after that ahgong went on his seperate one now..
when it was supposed to be our long journey,one that we wanted to pei each other and walk together,into the future..


02052011- what could have been our 7th month together,on this long journey that we wanted to pei each other and walk together..
'Thinking to go to the top with you'..
'To be better and to be well for those that matter.. Faith in ya'..
'Stand by you,take care of you..'
'I'll be faithful to you..'

so many promises made,so much was said,so far ahead we thought,or rather that ahgong..
and yet..
7 months went by,more than half of a year..
almost 6 months living without tt ahgong beside tt ahpoh..
no calls,to hear his voice,to hear him play the guitar,to hear him sing..
no cute silly msges,to put on tt happy smile on me..
no nagging,to ask me to slp early,to ask me eat or drink more water..
nothing at all..
should i be glad that time's passing so fast..and the wound would heal faster..

how,when i still clearly rmb this day 7 months ago..
tt night downstairs..
thinking of it now,all the things we did,still give me goosebumps,and tt pinch in the heart feeling,so sweet..yet it's so pain now..
afternoon,tt ahgong when for family photoshoot,and went for buffet with family..
msged me throughout..
rmb first thing i saw when i woke up,was tt ahgong's cute msg..
saying going to take photo le..
and i just smiled,the first thing i did in the morn..
tt ahgong asked to go out..nagging me must go eat ok..
went home and called..talked awhile..and tt ahgong went to nap..
woke up then called again,complain slp until so hot,sweating..
talked about meeting later and everything..
rmb how i reached and called,and tt ahgong was already there waiting patiently,didnt even tell me he reached..
rmb the place where i saw him..dressed so nicely..and he still asked if he looked ok,nice ma..
rmb the places we went and did..
the first time shopping as a 'couple' somehow in daiso..
can never forget,how we went around,and then when we were queueing..
how we stand on the escalator..
everything..so clearly..
it was the sweetest day ever..
yet it's been 7 months..

today should have been a happy day we can celebrate today..
but now,every day of this month..
i can only look back and see and think of those happy memories we had tgt,tt ahgong looks,those happy smiles we had on our faces,in my head..
how pathetic,how pain..
when that ahgong won't even be thinking of us..



"When you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through, and no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away.
You may think you’re getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest. You fall apart for the hundreth time, and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn’t. They hurt you worse than you’ve ever been hurt. They stole your happiness. But yet, you still want them, and only them.
Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don’t want to. It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would. And even if they broke all of their promises, you want to keep yours.
On top of that, you’re terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it’s not like that matters anyway.
At the end of the day you’re still thinking about that person who has left you completely broken. You don’t want to miss them anymore. You don’t want to love them anymore, but you know you always will. "


one more week to exams..
hang in there..
and i can finally not act so strong anymore..
feels like i will collapse then..
but i guess,i've become strong enough..

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