思念；牵挂；依恋

思念，能抑制吗。。
如果可以，心不是不会那么痛。。


思念；是甜，是苦， 也是咸。

甜；
思念让你回想起与他所有快乐，幸福的过往。
就算时间慢慢模糊那些回忆，你还是会拼命紧紧握住它。
因为，它仍然能带给你温暖的，真实的，发自内心的，最甜的微笑。
因为，我知道就算你当时的感情是假的，我的快乐却是真真实实的。

苦；
思念让你回想当初所发生的一切。。
从遇见他那美妙，难忘的第一天起，一切都记得好清晰。。直到那分离。
那分离的苦我永远也忘不了。
那分离的种种原因，至今都无法完全理解。
那苦带来的痛；自己仿佛被欺骗被玩弄。。
为什么要是他，那梦寐以求的他, 摧毁了我曾以为我们共同拥有的美梦。。
为什么没能和他一起手着牵手，永远走进彼此的未来。。

咸；
思念让你情不自禁地落泪。。
眼泪的咸。
曾以为，只要一直一直的哭，总有一天，心疼的眼泪会流光、心也会麻木，累了，那心也就不疼了。。再也不会因他而哭了。
但，我太天真了。眼泪是无止尽的。
不由自主的思念，让你回想起过去的美好，而眼泪总还是会不经意地，就悄悄流下。。
让你尝到眼泪的咸味；那无人能体会、了解，心痛的味道。


对他的思念如烙印般，顽固的一直留在脑海里，心里，至今从未能抹掉。。


And so, the operation was over...
and mum's recovering well now, waiting to start her daily radiotherapy treatments..
for the almost past 2 months, it wasnt easy at all, and it felt so so long...

ever since i came back from aussie, it's like my time was spent mostly at home and at the hospital..
first week grandma was here with us to take care of mum, and i helped around, housework etc...
and realised how tiring mum must have really been..

happy and thankful, that finally it's almost over, and everything's well now..
hoping that after treatment ends, everything will be fine from now on...

it's almost one mth ago since mum had her operation on 10th april..
yet another scary day i cant forget...
op was in the morning..
and we had to be there at 7+ for check ups etc bef the op..

dad fetched us there and left bec of work..
so left my sis and i with mum..
and as the time got closer to the op, mum slowly stopped talking and had the more worried look on her..
we pei her went for her xray, do her markings for the places to be operated on,etc..

and after that she had to lie on the bed getting ready to go in for op..
and the nurses were to push her back to the operation place..
we just walked beside her while they pushed her..
it was a scary feeling.....

while on the way back...
mum started tearing...
and i just tried not to look, to look away...
i didnt want to cry infront of her..
and my heart rly ached to see mum tearing...

so, they went in....
and i just stared all the way until the doors were completely shut...
that place just looked so scary..
that moment,that scene, something i can never forget....

and so, the op was to take about 3 hrs...
but it seemed like the longest time ever..i kept checking the time...and it rly took so long...
sis went home..
i stayed around bec i wanted to be near mum..was worried if there'll be any emergency...

that wait alone was crazy...
i wished someone was with me...wished that ahgong was here..even msging will do..
i was like in a total daze..dont know what to think..
so worried about the op..hoping that nth will go wrong..
that feeling is so hard to describe...that fear...
hoping i dont have to go through it again...

finally the wait was over...
and aunt,grandma they all were here..
they saw mum first, and said mum was tearing, saying very pain..and mum looked v pale..
i was so scared to go in...rly dont want to cry infront of them...
but finally saw mum and was relieved everything went well....

doc say mum could go home after staying overnight..
aunt they all had to go home first and come back again later..
i wanted to wait till the doc and nurse in charge talked to us about the op and whether all's ok..
so they all waited with me and luckily nurse said the op went well..just need wait further results on the lymph nodes..
and after that, mum said she wanted to go home, because it was too noisy..

and so, my strong mum got discharged just hours after her surgery...

after the op, went back few times for check ups and everything and get the final report on those cancerous cells that were removed..

doc say, the cancer cells were the 'most bad' ones...
but luckily it was discovered at the early stage...if not, i dont know how things would turn out..
and thankfully, mum's lymph nodes were not infected, if not everything would get even more complicated..

and hearing of that actor passing away from lymphoma was really scary...
because mum was just so so close to getting that...
really really thankful...

but mum's hormones were not receptive to medication so she cant take medication..
and it was definitely necessary to go for radiotherapy...
and because the cancerous cells were not very big..doc didnt recommend chemotherapy..
saying it will only increase the percentage of not getting cancerous cells again by very little..
so it was not really necessary...

so thankfully, mum dont have to go for chemo, bec it definitely meant loss of hair..
and the process wouldnt be easy and mum would be v xin ku and she was scared of those needles poking into her for the chemo..

now, mum just have to go for radiotherapy..
really thankful, even though, it's 5 times a week, mon to fri, continuously for one month...
but they say the process wont be v xin ku as compared to chemo..
the radiotherapy treatments would just be like sun tanning somehow, and not much side effects...

so after this crazy 2 months, it finally is all coming to an end...
finally....

what a scary scary period of time...
up till now, thinking and looking back, it still doesnt feels so surreal...
didnt feel like, my mum went through sth so scary and survived it...
and i guess, i learnt to be more 'brave' and stronger from this...
mum's a fighter! =)

but one very good and happy thing is that, dad and mum are happily back talking to each other, after a crazy 5 years..
and the past weeks, we finally had proper dinners around the dining table at home, together...
also, dad have been bringing us out for dinners, like in the past...
looking forward to those holidays we used to go tgt as a family...
something so simple but so so happy...
really really happy....XD


'To be better and to be well for those that matter..'
This was in my mind throughout this whole period of time and it really helped me alot, gave me strength and not collapse...


Wishing that from now on, everything will be fine....








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