didn't want to post anymore.
but saw shirley's post.and had to hold my tears back so hard,again.
meet up w her and jean last week. jean wanted to watch rapunzel.and for the first time,because of the song-i see the light, tears in the cinema,and she didn't know.



Saturday, 25 December 2010

it was about 2 months since i last met my friends.she had lost weight
the pain on her face was clear cut.
it was for that special someone.
she loved that fellow so much that shes willing to travel for him.

and i was pondering
is it worth it?

i guess i only love myself.
i even gained weight!
hahahaha~
at
16:31 0 comments




is it worth it.tt was somehow how i ans one of his qns before, when he asked if i'll wait if he had to continue working there after his studies.and i said had to see if the person was worth it,worth waiting or not.we only knew each other for such a short time, it wasnt about loving him so much.but rather because i thought,i found him,being worth it,and wanting to continue and love him more. it was supposed to be a simple thing and i just don't understand why did it have to end up becoming so complicated.

i keep wondering,did i deserve it.what did i do to have to go through such a thing.what did i do to have to be treated like this.why is it always like this.am i just too silly,or just too naive.
why is it so simple for others. Mine was supposed to be simple and sweet too,because he was going overseas,tt's why we didn't want to take the risk,and somehow wanted to wait.but why must it end up like this and looks far more complicated,even far more complicated than those in tv. when i'm just a simple girl.

this last day of december,31st dec 2010.a friday.
we started somehow from 1st oct,friday..and i thought could spend the remaining of 2010 happily, and end it on a happy note,with him.
and spend this last day of the the year with him.
it's so funny how pain it is, how much hurt was done,but i just can't hate him,can't blame him, can't forget him, and i just cant help but think of him,everyday.
and now,suddenly rmb how he was playing and singing every breathe you take,can u feel the love tonight,guan huai fang shi in his funny chi, and so many other songs, and tt one time singing for almost 2 hours,over the ph..

i know i'm silly.

how i wish that we can all start a new year, where all the past memories will be gone,and i wouldn't have to be so xin ku everyday,thinking how long will it finally not hurt anymore,how long will it take for me to rly forget everything, how hard i have to try to escape and act infront of everybody like nothing's happened. i'm so tired with this false pretence,i'm so tired to act strong when i'm not,i'm so tired of all these that have to become so complicated, even others didn't understand what happened. why is it so crazy. i like him,tt ah gong. it was supposed to be just so simple.


sotong's xmas/new yr gathering at my house ytd.
how tired i was, at the end of it.
with that facade,trying so hard to be fine,to smile.
xh sotong got attached ard one mth aft i got in and out of it.
how i was so scared because i know sotongs would want to hear about their story.
how i feel bad because i guess they don't rly want to say much because i was there.
how i thought if we were still tgt, both of us could be sharing stories,having a fun gathering,and see how the sotong family is expanding.
how i was happy for xh,for finding a gd guy. why is it so simple for others.
how i wished he was there,and they can see him.

All that time
Never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here
Blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here
Suddenly I see
Standing here
It's oh, so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once
Everything looks different
Now that I see you..

first and only post for the year 2010-the 21st year of my life, the best and craziest year ever, the year i'll never ever forget.


this crazy year,2010,is ending soon.
since i started this blog in 2006,its like 4 years +already, have been with me through all the big and small happenings in my life..and this is the longest post ever..cux this year,i met him and met with the biggest barrier tt i have to face, and cross..

from jc till now,from 17 till 21??the age change seem so scary,like we should have grown up alot already,but it doesnt rly seem so..didnt seem that long,nt alot happened.just sch sch sch and frens..thinking back,it's like so fast.still rmb 1st 3 mths in srjc,then going on to nyjc,orientaion..how sotongs met,and cliqued tgt so well..all the outings and fun we had tgt..not just sotong clique, but also 0632 as a class..and 0702 clique..till now,we're still meeting,and it just seem like we just met ytd,but actually it's been 4 years already.going to 5 already..and also, i can only say sry and thank u to that person who was always there,no matter what..

thinking back,its so fast..but now thinking forward,rly dunno what will happen in the next 4 years,it's like so long..like we'll really all grow up by then.
really grow up.



4 years-the barrier we didnt have courage to face it,to fight it,to cross it.



this year went by sooooo fast...dunno why is it esp fast this yr..still rmb preparing for my 21st celeb,booking cny hols,exams,hols,then finding work..then now,its dec already..so crazy.=( wrote my last post at old house,tt time where i still cant bear to leave my house that i grew up in,din wan to move to this unfamiliar place,and thinking it was still long before moving to new house.. now,in the blink of the eye,haven posted for one year+ le..or rather,almost forgot bout this secret world,space of mine..and unknowingly,have been staying here for one year+ le..seems just like ytd,when we just moved in,settling in..though short,bt still so much memories in this house..esp rmb the late nights studying in the room for my exam..and also,spending some of my happiest time,talking to him on the ph,in my rm,every night..and that first day, below my blk..now, it's just only a couple more months before we move out of here..


i've never got so so so much to say.inside me. this crazy year,though fast,seemed like alot happened,so much i had to go through, learning or growing up so much??i dunno.


last posted on 28 september,one year ago. and never did i expect that one year later,on that same date,i would be going out with him,just both of us,for the first time. And so happy, becux of the things he asked on tt train ride home.


this year is a crazy journey. with an unexpected surprise that popped out of no where, when i least expected it.
the biggest surprise of my life, yet-meeting him.


so many first times in such a short period of time. took my first year uni exams,hols came,and went for the first ever job interview,at starhub.where it all started. never expected myself accepting this job,cux speaking up isnt my forte at all.and being my first time,working'alone' somehow,going in to somewhere where i din noe anyone,to work.it was scary.but still,i survived and was glad i didnt back out from it.the job experience was an incredible one.it was tough,but i felt i learnt sooooo much, not just about working life, but so much more, i dun even noe how to describe.hw funny it was when frens gt so angry and scold all kinds of stuff becux of their cust..


and was amazed everyday,at all the different kinds of cust that i would get to talk to and handle all the diff kinds of problems they had.getting to talk to super nice cust and also not so nice ones..some cust were even talking like we're frens.. i rmb one uncle,my new potential neighbour,staying near my new add..he called in and clarify sth bout his bill..then ended up toking to me about wanting to change hp..asking me if he shd change to iphone..whether i like using iphone,or touchscreen phs..asking why i din like,etc etc..talked almost one hour..and then he said it was nice talking to me,saying how other agents always sound so unfriendly and stuff,asked for my name,and say will call in to find me next time instead..

and this auntie,wanting to add channels..asking how to do it..then ended up telling me,how it's not convenient for her to move ard,tt's y her husband asked her to subsc more channels so she won't feel bored at home..pity her..and i had to describe to her all the channels we had..wad channel num,channel name,under wad category,what does it show..and she kept wanting me to repeat..so..talked for an hr+..so much interesting cust i met..had cust with mistakes in their bill from so long ago..rmb one where he had 2 seperate bills,for ctv n internet..and right from last year till this year,he didnt clear his bill totally,so much amt brought foward,and also in btw we did some waivers for him becux of some mistakes..so he couldnt understand the bills,and insisted we overcharged him..i had to write down all the os amts for all the mths,hw much he paid per mth..and do all the maths..one by one..all the way till this year..twice!!and then explaining to him,this plus this,this minus this..took sooo long..


also learnt how to become stronger,after getting crazily scolded by them time aft time,and even end up in tears for 2 occasions.got scolded for some reason like they've waited very long on the line already,and so scold me for speaking so fast,want me to slow down since they waited so long.and also rmb how i got rly rly angry w some cust,and wasnt talking v nicely to them..esp rmb that uncle that made me cried,want me to explain but was shouting at me again and again and told me to shut up and saying i dun have gd parents,wasnt well brought up??in my entire life,no one had said tt before,and he was the one shouting,so ill-mannered..dumb dumb..


was so tired and wanted to quit time after time,esp when had so much trouble using the new system. but i held on smhw-a decision i'll never ever regret making.i am glad i decided to take that job and decided to stay on all the way till end of the contract. if not i would not have been able to go through such an experience,learning so much,such a wonderful time ever, in my life.to meet crazy frens,crazy crazy happening outings,and meeting him,the dumb dumb ah gong.



i know he won't get to see this,and our common frens also wont be able to see,and not alot know of this secret world..

so.. just wanted to write all these down,the journey,as a precious part of my life,an unforgettable one.


worked from 7th june-18sept.
training first,for almost one month,then was with a mentor for 2 days to listen to live calls.and it was our turn.to start answering real calls,beginning of july.i swear it was really really really scary,when the call came in and when we were all going to press the button to ans that very first call.it just seemed like yesterday.


training was real long,and being a com idiot,rly hated learning the com systems.though it was long,it was still fun,meeting great frens,having fun. esp when it was near the end,we had long long lunch breaks like 3,4 hours??also dunno what we did.just rmb there was a wii games day thing,then had goodie bags,popcorn,then the 4 of us kept going to the room to get more popcorn for the lesson.and the person could recognise us le,and rmb tt on the packing,there was a stamp there reminding us to do proper greetings to cust. hw we got lazy walking out for lunch and even bought food from home for lunch,made sandwich,mushroom soup,kimchi cup noodles plus cheese?? then the 4 of us started going out.that long walk from city plaza to everything with fries.that crazy sat jb trip with not enough money,and squeezing into the bus w big bags of stuff.and then getting addicted to city plaza,so close to work place,shopping and the nice nice ban mian,and arnold's chicken.


and when training was rly over,back in office,into operation.we started 'finding' motivations,finding and talking bout ec,to make work less boring.and lover's jc ec was working there too..o changed a few,j chose the 'girl',then another one.how we used to walk one round,so she could see the ec..i had one same one,until changing to that dumb dumb,who never knew he was ec-ed.

ec to a dream come true,was the best thing that ever happened.


june,july,aug,sept..work was really crazy,stressful to the max..with all the follow ups,clearing waivers,unreasonable scoldings,trying to hit call stats to get incentives..esp stressful when getting mobile calls where cust have been waiting for almost 1 hour,risking getting scolding and impatient custs, bec we usu end up unable to help them bec we're from cable tv and maxonline,and that iphone period,where all the calls was asking about it!and chiong-ing work,ot for like 11 days straight,all till 11pm! that was the most crazy,memorable and fun journey,ever,and we went thru it. esp fun near to the end,where we started having crazy outings.


our journey.

he went for the interview on 7th july,the day he ord.tt time where we just started picking up calls only.and we didnt know each other until almost end aug.there isnt too many ppl in the dept,but still it was hard to know everybody becux we spend almost all our time talking to customers and more customers.and ppl came in, in batches,so it was weird to 'make frens'..may just be familiar w faces,only saw his face before,and also rmb the wristguard he had.but never talked before.

but becux of a troublesome cust, that called in to look for him, and gave me his hotline name,'halton',a fake name he used..i went ard looking for him,but nobody knew anyone w tt name..thought the previous dept didn’t settle properly,so emailed and find..bt they said cust said he was in this dept,and he recorded something in the system,with his real name there.tried asking frens but all din noe.and thought will just try asking one more time,asking some random person,who happened to be his fren.and rmb how his fren describe him in a funny way.tt brown hair,shuai looking guy,w tt wrist guard.so,found him,and told him what the cust was talking about,some appointment.the first time we talked,the beginning.no intro,just got to know each other's name through emailing about the case.

still rmb his stunned face when i asked if he was tt person the cust was asking.that serious and stressed looking face,wondering what happened with that cust.guess,becux he just started not long,he was super stressed bout the work and the follow ups.think the next day or wad..he was sitting opp me..then i asked bout the cust,whether if the prob was settled.and i rmb he said,he had stayed behind for ot,and had to consult the team leader to help him w tt cust,till v late.tt time i thought it was so funny,how stressed and serious he was..i understand the stress,becux we were exactly like him when we just started w work also..staying behind till late,to clear stuff,clear waivers..but for a guy,he was rly too serious..and had great responsibility..helping each and every cust all the way,as much as he can..that's why,his call stats for the whole day could be equal to about 3,4 hours of ours.others could hit 100,but him,maybe 30++,40+?funny but,that seriousness,was one of the things i admired about.and that's one of the reason that made me believe him so much,because i somehow saw the 'real' him..

cux i always thought,seeing hw ppl worked in such a job,was reflective of their personality,their characteristics.it was so true,becux i saw it in my close frens,the way they handle cust somehow portray a true side of them..i saw this side of him,where others didnt see..tt's y they didnt undstd,didnt believe him..

becux of the cust,and the sitting opp..we somehow got to know each other,talked a little..bt wasnt tt close..and he looked dao..??but somehow,i changed my ec..becux of his seriousness..the way he speak chi,sometimes i can hear him talking from opp,and it was funny..how he asked about what was settings in chi for nokia phone,told him its 设置,how he didnt rly believe..his shuai and cute look w those thick eyebrows,distinct jawbones..and how one morn,we both came super early..i was still half awake,and dreading work..super sianx face..then he was at his table..saw my face,and asked me to 'xiao yi ge,ma'..from end aug till mid sept when i left,we din rly talked alot..just happened to got 1 or 2 of his other cust then talked..and one time talking to him about a cust,and how he asked why i was shivering, and offered jacket..just simply a ec, i thought..


until we started having grp outings..

12 sept
first grp outing.chomp.first time out and sitting in fren's car.four girls-road idiots somehow gave funny directions to driver ll and eventually found our way to town,laughing all the way because of the wrong directions and the dangerous driving. we didnt even exchange num.o's ph had prob,and had to use my ph to call him. first midnight movie w frens. cinne-resident evil.tau huey.four cars,8 of us,'racing' on the super empty road to barrage.first time at barrage.stayed till 5am??and some had work the nx day at 8am.slept so late bt still met j for manicure,and end up both of us were like walking zombies.but still drag ourself to hv ban mian.so crazy. And how funny, aft this outing,o was saying the guys were saying we had sth,when we didn’t even talk much at the outing.


16 sept
aft work.cheated to go.he was sick.4 went dinner at some pizza place near sim.bukit timah?then movie-the devil.hw he was ‘scared’ bout such devil stuff..bef movie we sneaked away to let the two of them have some time on their own.sat outside the cinema and randomly talked bout rs stuff,him saying he think he's nt rdy for rs,and also becux of going overseas.showing and teaching me hand signs.went for shisha.make that signature face for the first time.that first pic.the very first time,he drove me home.using gps,but still missed an exit.



18 sept
my last day of work.4 crazy girls.cab to ll house to get car,and dapao food and alcohol to henderson wave.first time at henderson. dumb us,already went up to mount faber,then o asked ll to go down again.he was out w fren,abit drunk and smhw cant decide whether to join.so o jux say go n pick him and fren up,quite far away,near cityhall?and we went back up again.stayed till late again.how when i looked at him,and him mouthing,asking if i was tired.then poor ll had to send us home,all ard in spore,bukit timah,bedok,serangoon,yck!hahax.was worried we'll get lost,and asked to msg when home,for the first time.



20 sept
o org another movie outing,4 of us again.told him to ps the 2 of them.let them 2 go alone.but pao toh-ed me.say go home get car then go tgt.bt sth happened at home,end up let them 2 go alone. Trying to cheer him up,w tt pic of his,msging. and suddenly called in the middle of the night.the start?



21 sept
first day of sch. crazy day.after sch,went to collect f1 tics at raffles place.went home.then end up there again at night. he asked to go chill aft wk.4 of us.some games cafe in raffles.timbre artshouse.wandered ard.and 2 of them deliberately ps us.sat at some stairs near the river??first htht.told me so much. his past rs. his family probs. alot stuff. saw a diff side of him.hw he forced me to drink water.the first shoulder massage he gave.first time walking on the f1 track in the middle of the night.walked places i nv walked before,on that empty streets,with him. was 'trapped' becux of the f1 fencing,and walked round n round to try to go out. how we were both ticklish. playing,tickling almost throughout the whole walk. held both arms to stop me from tickling.hw i still say wan report to police. dunno how long we walked, before we came out of the f1 thing.was so hot,sweating.his hand-manual rubber band.cab home.din wan him to share cab cux diff ways.pei me talk on ph throughout the whole journey. i thought that was it. should not continue anymore. though he asked whether will go out some more.

but..

23 sept- 'was it just a dream'
he saw,commented..and kept asking me to explain..and the first time..it was late,msg 'u free u free u free?',ask to go chill..not 4 of us..just u and me..wanted to go barrage..but becux f1 got blocked??ended up dunno where to go,so talked on the phone,for almost 3 hrs..?first time,someone played guitar and singing over the phone..


24 sept
went back office for lunch w frens.he din notice.only tapped him when leaving.went for f1.msg throughout till i reach home.denied waiting to reach home,to call.but the delayed msges,becux his ph lag,gave him away.thought i slept and msg to say will take tt i slp le if dun reply by what time and wun call le..called immed when got my msg..said when go back office nx time,have to sit....


25 sept
him 2nd time sick, again.stop work,see doc,home.bt called and talked on ph,didn’t want me dapao,and pei me talked all the way from my home,take bus,mrt to grandma house. hw he was calling me whole chunks of names..First time someone asked what i want for xmas,3 months in advance. And how i thought of what i wanted to make for him. asked to promise to talk again at night.

26 sept
msg.till night.just not going to slp.din want to say out,was waiting for me to call.cont asking bout my dream status..saying it was impt to know..and i finally explained, how someone wasnt rdy,going overseas..so, we both somehow 'admitted/confessed' tt day...to go out more and see how..the 'punishment'..

27 sept
did my 'punishment'-to msg. His ph lag,din reply as din receive msg till aft wk.called aft wk to ask about going to ll bday.could hear over the ph and notice sth was wrg.were sitting beside each other but msged and said sry din get msg. Dumb but sweet,how we cont to 'talk' awhile through msging.becux frens around din noe anything.others wanted to cont to go out chill..msg again to ask if going.wanted to go home.left w me..cont to say sry..cab home.phone..said will give morn call for sch tml..

28 sept
How the cute dumb dumb was msging,aft waking up.asking what was i wearing.asking what should he wear,dunno what to wear.asking if i was excited bout sch ending,and then meeting him. after sch.the first time out,just both of us. funny how he met work frens on the way.how we were scared to see them.ps.movie-my darling is a foreigner.walk from douby to orchard.cuppage santouka.coffee bean.he changed my ph screen saver to that pic w his signature mi mi yan face.secretly took me.showed off hw many pics he took,sliding and sliding thru the pics.went drinking at cuscaden w work frens.left w me, and others knew.mrt and walked me home,first time.end up hv to cab home.talked again.

the day he asked and said things i'll never forget.

asked if i'll wait if he had to work there aft grad. How he was saying he hv difficult parents,how...

i saw tt even more serious side of him, so happy and comforted. thought was he it, becux of how far he thought, before we even got tgt..
how serious we both were..
called and talked evday aft work,no matter how late..how one time,went for supper and reached home late, but called straight when home, to 'report'.



01-02 oct- happiest children's day in my life - our first day.
Mine:02102010- Day 1 of the long journey ahead..
His:To be better and to be well for those that matter.. Faith in ya

aft work,he had sth to attend.late but still wanted dinner.chomp.and sat below my blk till 2am..the day he asked the qns. Was deciding first day to be on 1st or 2nd. compared 01102010 and 02102010, so said 2nd was better and since it was 12+ already..joked about having probation,until 20102010,since it was a nicer date.how he was ignoring his fren’s msges,to have our own time. asked if i wanted him to quit smoking.the pinkie promise he wanted me to make. and that other promise. To be faithful. And bali??first day,our first times...

and how i let go of tt hand.

reality sets in..?called me when home..becux i asked if we were too fast.he was thinking about hw he scared he cant commit becux of his seriousness and focus in work..hw determined he was to study hard to make his parents proud.and scared of neglecting me when he's in aust..asked him to think properly..

said we'll try..asked me to make promises i never thought of having to make..to

promise to get angry if he neglect me,so that he can make me happy..

promise to skype everyday..

so many promises..

that we haven't got a chance to fulfill.
The first time i’m angry at you for acting like this,to settle the prob by yourself, in such a way, you won’t be able to fulfil that promise we had.

On this day.he went for family photo taking.
msg and say dun wan go back ot.ask go out.and one of the simple msg,i'll never forget. outside ps.he secretly took our first pic tgt.w fren beside.and more secrets.all the things he did.how tt cute ah gong was asking if he looked nice,shuai wearing like tt. And i didn’t ans, and nv got a chance to tell him,yes. cathay.movie w work frens.what he did and wanted to do..how we sat up quickly when movie ended..tau huey..and walked all the way to near bugis??to find supper..and while walking,i had to ask him to think again...because i didn't want him to regret. but ended up being my biggest regret, of my life.

home and first time talking on the phone till morn??5+..and end up getting scolded by his mum..cux it was raining and his mum went into the room to check the windows and spotted him still on the ph so late.hw he was trying to whisper,when he thought his mum was outside and how dumb i was to whisper too.

what a day..

in btw,we both went through so much..to hv to think so much..bout the obstacles that we'll have to face,whether we'll be able to do it..to make a decision,now,since we just started..and ppl said things..didnt want to ask him,tell him.just didnt want to stress him further.wanted him to think properly.rmb how he said he's a bad guy,saying he's not worth..silly him..told him hw i believed him,the faith..he told me what his frens said.some thought he wasn’t rdy,some didn’t believe long dist,some thought should cherish..

smtime later,he decided,saying how he scared he'll hurt me..since long dist wasnt easy.didnt want to go into a rs w me now yet..cux he'd rather start his stand on rs when he finish his studies,when start work.. how he said..4 years later, if we are still single..how he thought he won’t get attached..


2nd nov
3rd time sick, on the day that was supposed to be our first mth. decided to ask him to think again.didnt want us to give up for a reason like this.giving up without trying at all, becux of what we think could happen,and not what really will happen. so scared to pick up his calls again.missed calls again.and he counted,12 missed calls.before i finally pick up.


3rd nov
at his house.the day i'll never forget.so close.maybe, that day was enough. his gaze meant so much,said so much.

He said, if only we met earlier...

this post is for him,for us.

just that he'll never see it.his name is William Yeong Wei Yang.

In such a short time, so funny and amazing...how we met and gt tgt..

How each and every day of the week, we’ve spent it in a special way, somehow.

how in such a short time,how much footprints we left behind,everywhere. So much so that i’ve to try so hard,trying to avoid and run away from all of them. Weeks aft weeks,i try. i’m so tired,i barely pulled through each day,how i wished u were here.and i could just hold on to the phone,listening to that voice,listening to the guitar playing. Or u just asking if i was tired, that massage..and all the tiredness would go away somehow..

how blessed i felt,hw we always took sometime before putting down the ph..saying gdnite,sweet dreams,sleep tight, and waiting for me to put down first..

how u captured mine so well..but i didn’t..how impt u become..

how u make me felt so much..felt so happy from deep inside,felt so cherished, felt so lucky, and how i had to think so much..

how we wanted to do so many things..but never get any chance already..haven’t eat ur fav ice cream,enjoy coffee tgt w u, haven’t go jogging tgt, haven’t go bali tgt..

in such a short period of time..oct till now,so much happened,so much i had to bear with..never had to put on such a strong front, put on that facade,smile and face everyone,esp with my family..how frens come and stay till late, and how i have to tell mum that it’s them having troubles and wanted to talk, when it was me..realising how hard it was to smile like before, so hard,so pain to force out a smile,pretending..

the happiest time i went through,and the greatest hurt.such a short time but so much more pain than the last one. i dunno why.no words to describe the pain.no one understands.becux i jux cant help but feel i was the one to let go first-to ask him to think again.and i hate myself for that.
Yes,stop looking back. Can anyone stop looking back even how much they didn’t want to. Esp when everyday i have to walk by places with our footprints. How i’m so scared of nightfall,because i know that i haven got rid of tt habit. How i used to wait for tt call every night, and how the call won’t come in anymore.

everybody just say its him,its him who let go,not me.that it'll pop up again somehow even if we didnt think now.yes i know.but to give up on someone so dear,like that,for such a reason is so hard.and he knew how hard it is,tt’s y he have to say he didn’t know how hard it is..and choose to and deliberately hurt me, to make me give up totally, to make me really think he's a bad guy.like so many other ppl who think he is.but i know he's not what they all think of him as.definitely not.because they've never heard of all the things he said before,all the things he explained,the things he went through before.and that gaze.

He dunno how hurting it is when ppl are saying he’s not a good guy. and hw they wanted me to give up, when he didn’t do anything wrong. I know I’m not blinded. And I just didn’t like how ppl see him as the baddie.and I’ve to explain so hard to them. and he just had to deliberately play the baddie,thinking its an easier way out for me.it just hurt me even deeper,because when ppl already think he’s bad,why did he have to do it that way, when he’s not like this. If he wanted,just say, and I would walk away somehow. I rather I take a longer time walking away, than him having to play the bad guy,and making others more convinced that he is a bad guy. When he isn’t.

I know I haven’t know him long enough, but I think I’ve seen sides of him that I needed to see, that was sufficient.

Feels like I fell into a game called love. 2 players, 2 controllers. But from the point when he said he was afraid of not able to commit, and when I told him to think again, I plucked out my controller- I let go of that hand, tt hand which I felt so secured when holding on to, the feel that he’ll bring me to places I’ve never been, but still feel safe.

Because I wanted him to think properly, didn’t want to force him, didn’t want to stress him at all, because I know how stressed he’ll always feel,right from tt first day I talked to him,tt stressed face. didn’t want to tell him how bad I felt, how much I didn’t want to let go,when I thought he was giving up and at the same time ppl had to say bad things about him, and asking me to give up. So funny how tt girl was telling my close fren, tt he wasn’t a gd guy because of what he did to her, and asking my fren not to tell me..

just defended him in my own way, believed him and let him think properly. Rather kept it all inside me, feel so xin ku myself and not telling him, asking him about what they were saying, just didn’t want to add on to his stress. I had no control in that game. Or right from the beginning, there was only one controller. Before we started the game he was the one saying he’s not rdy, but then he still decide to try, and I wanted to try too, but then it’s him again to decide that we should not continue the game, that was far from game over. And he still had to decide to come up with a solution he think it’s best,to convince me that it was game over, or it would be game over soon even if we continue.

Said I won’t get angry or don’t get angry easily, becux didn’t want him to be unhappy and troubled over unnecessary stuff, because I knew and felt how he was already not very happy w his family, how he was always so easily stressed. Just wanted to be beside him to cheer him up and not the other way.

If anything were lies, it was only that one day, that day where u were so determined, tt one day u talked so badly. Because I know he deliberately say stuff he didn’t mean, to hurt me, to make me forget him like what others want me to do, to think he’s really bad and tt’s the real side of him. U were trying so hard to make yourself sound like one baddie. U did a bad job. It hurts me so much to see u act like this, when I noe it’s not u, but I cant do anything, because u’ve decided that by putting on tt façade will be better off for us. Why are u so silly.
I rather I play the bad guy. Rather they all think I’m the bad guy, than them having to think u are.

选择难，放弃更难
It was a tough decision that we had to make. We made a decision wanting to do this tgt, to walk this long journey together. I made that decision to want to do this, a decision that I’ve never and will not ever regret making, even though it’s hurting me so much now. But now, the days ahead, would be even tougher, without u. Even if I were to choose again, I would still want to go through it again, even If it hv to hurt so much.

We got too close before we decided on anything.

Isn’t it because we got so close like that, in such a short time, tt’s why we should have decided on something, together. When others thought otherwise, thought it was not worth, I still decided to step in deeper, I wanted to and believed in tt ah gong I know. I said have to see if the person was worth waiting.
I believe it was worth. Waiting.
I knew he was. Because of all the things he said, all the promises we had. Words mean a lot and promises are not just words spoken. If one didn’t have the heart, wouldn’t even ask to make a promise. he meant everything he said,everything.tt’s y i knew I could wait.and I still want to,even when others scold me for being so silly and dumb and doubting him.because they all haven’t seen that side of him, I saw.

Why u think I’m the one.

I believed. I thought this was fate and wanted to cherish it.your fren told u to cherish too. Ppl always say that our right one god has arranged for us is somewhere out there and we’ll meet that person somehow, someday. And we’ll never know when. But is tt rly true.we dunno.
It’s not whether is someone rly the one. but whether that someone is the one we want.
I know what I wanted. I’m not the one u wanted.

Not the world.

Just the star that i wanted in my sky,in my world.just the star that i've waited for. that guiding light,something for me to work towards,that focal point.

I just wanted to see the real you.
I just wished and wanted others to see the true you,too.

and I’ll walk away,disappear because he wanted tt for us.but why did he have to say all those things I knew he didn’t mean at all.

Jean told me this..
I know.u always believed that he was a good guy esp because you know his past and everything. but maybe because he's a good guy,so he wants to protect u because he likes u.maybe that's why he's doing this.sometimes when u like a person,you'll do things that you think is protecting the person but you won't really think like whether or not the person wants to be protected,right?

I know i'm doing tt also,trying so hard to protect him,explaining and convincing ppl he isnt a bad guy..don't want them to see him that way..but now,i'm so tired..i dunno what to do..

I wanted so much to believe this was what he was doing..trying so hard to move on with that thought..and now,after so long,I have to hear things I was scared of hearing, again..from other ppl..it was so scary to hear,to think..was I wrong,or got cheated right from the beginning..was it so fun playing..why must I keep hearing things about her,and what she did..does he know..why is it her..the girl others thought they knew, bt end up saying how they don’t know her, becux of the things she did,hw she had masks on..i cant say anything..i cant even think..i dunno her well..i dunno anything..i dunno what happened..it’s just so scary to hear,to know,to think..it’s killing me..and even after hearing, I still cant believe it’s true..

i still believe he’s not like that..am I just the only one..because others thought it was like this,long ago.. am i'm just the silly one,and ppl have just been laughing at hw silly i was..how foolish..to continue believing up till this point..

It’s been quite some time, why does it still bother u..you could just run away,as fast as you could..

You posted this song,is this what you are feeling..

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed’
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to holdwhen hope begins to fade...
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

I heard the song, and tears just flowed..

The person I used to talk to everyday.
I cant talk to him anymore..
The first to call me ah poh..
I miss him.
I didn’t even got to chance to say it out yet,
Ah poh miss ah gong..
There are some things u want to forget but can never forget, they’ll haunt u forever.

Love needs courage.
But he didn’t have. We both didn’t have.
No official intro. But we started. We didn’t mention break up. He just ran away from me.. We just walked away from each other..

I guess I’m the only one to go into a rs like this, then coming out of it for such a reason..and not knowing what rly happened and just believing so much in something others strongly doubted..explaining so hard to them..but end up making me feel so stupid, so silly..cux others see me tt way..hw frens look at me when they see my screen saver now..why let us meet like this and then have to give up because of so many reasons…and how it have to become so complicated..so much so that I can’t take it anymore…was this a joke I deserved..

I can only say sorry, and thank u to all my wonderful frens..to all those that was there..how I always tell others smile is a curve that sets everything straight,but now they’re telling me tt when I forgot bout it..but is finding it hard to smile..cux I dunno how to differentiate, cant see the good and bad..this silly girl, don’t know what she did to deserve such great frens..don’t know what she did to have to go through such a thing..when it was supposed to be a simple thing..our happiness was so easy..

Its crazy. how we somehow ‘started’ through there and now,have to get to know how each other is doing through a virtual world. and how he have to ‘talk’ to me through there.

His..

It's that feeling again. But i hope not.

thinking to go to the top with you.

frankly i guess it isn't that hard. But it's not that freaking easy too.

sleep through this

If only an easier option. But again this is life and life options aren't ever easy.

To be better and to be well for those that matter.. Faith in ya

I want answers not more questions..And I don't know..

with them, i am bleak. confused, still i speak. for am i still weak?only not worthy..

短或长不易选

Torn between the lines..But time will make me learn,slowly I will understand..
Just not yet.Slow down..

Why don't? Why not?

Sometimes what we want isn't the best for us and what's best are like arrows in the sky.

nothing at all.

and i will just disappear

and i will be just a figment.if you would pls cuz i don't wanna try no more. i need time to find myself.

half the day disappeared just like that.it will happen again. Tha nightmare. That dream. 4yrs ain't short.

it's obvious now..who you've settled on it's just obvious..heart flamed and words in vain promises are just words spoken

just keep them in your secret world,like i didn't once existed.cause the risk to take is far too great, and i'm just the excuse.

somehow it feels like half the war was just lost..

slowly bit by bit.

pick urself up and move. the clock's ticking. and i'm impatient.

It's one thing to think and another to do. Don't make up and regret that's all i have for you.
(make up??make things up??)

slow but i'll get it done.

lost and blind w/o you.and when your heart starts beating out if touch. I fear the inevitable. Show me how will it be,future,your words are trembles beneath my feet.

you should cheer yourself up.no point feeling like that when you cant change anything.
(Yes, no point. How much I want to lessen my pain,not wanting frens to be affected by me and trying so hard to control to make myself not think of someone so dear,someone who said will stand by me,and take care of me,didn’t want me to be unhappy,want me to be happy forever. Now, he’s just walking further and further away, or like what others think, standing beside her.

Yes,I cant change anything,I knew it. Right from the point when I asked if we were too fast, when I asked u to think again. I didn’t have any right,didn’t have any say,just wasn’t able to change anything, just wasn’t even able to hold on to that someone,because I didn’t want to stress him,didn’t want to force him,just wanted him to think and decide on his own, even when it hurt so much. I just knew I did it again,not holding on enough,letting go again, time after time.)

i just dont know what to say. to know that im wrong, i admit, but what am i to say?sorry will not heal the damage done,and to admit the obvious is redundant. but which is wiser that needs doing?




It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it.

i've never regretted being his ah poh,even if it had to be just one day..
If it was a dream,it wouldn’t hurt so much..

all these he didn’t know, and would never know..

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