eyes got swollen from those stupid tears,in the morn..
dragged myself to work and didnt dare look at colleagues,scared they'll notice..
felt so bad tt day,and left work early..
just wanted to stay home..
but beet booked tics for hp already,so dragged myself out again at night..
luckily by then eyes were ok alrdy..if nt i dunno wad to say..
bec i guess only auntie vic knows i still secretly cry bec of tt ahgong..
and they wouldnt know anything since v long ago..


harry potter..
can never forget the first movie was out when we were 2001,10 yrs ago..
when we were only in p6..
still rmb it came out end of the yr,oct or nov i guess..
and i watched it w the first him..
rmb the things he said n did inside the cinema..
rmb how we got tgt n stuff..
rmb how he always walked me home aft sch..

and also rmb,one other impt him was there watching w us too..
tt him tt asked bef,bt i nv got to be w,and the one tt left me alot of regrets also..
and also qns tt i nv got the ans..
we used to be so close tt period of time,talking on ph evday also..
and seem to be even closer to him than tt first him,on the ph w him more..
rmb he taught me maths over the ph,he sang too,and smtimes still tried to beatbox..
and one time,cross country the nx day,he taught me how to run too..
still rmb,how he was teching me how to breathe the proper way,still saying mux imagine he's at the finish line jiayou-ing..
it's crazy,i dunno hw i rmb all these..
if i could still rmb all these,from 10 yrs ago..

then i guess those things about tt ahgong,i wouldnt forget so easily or never would forget..


first hp movie w first him..
and i thought last yr,i could watch tt last hp movie w tt ahgong..
but it didnt happen..i guess maybe he watched it w her..
i watched w auntie vic,and ended up aft the movie,aft dinner..
crying when they asked n talked bout tt ahgong..
we watched it on 25nov,1 mth bef xmas..

it was 7 mths ago..
same ps cinema..
and coincidentally,auntie vic and i both watched it tdy,26th..
7mths just went by like tt..
when it rly seems like we just watch part 1..
it's so crazy..

auntie vic was saying she give the movie 5 popcorns..
and i just got reminded of tt ahgong..
how he was choosing which movie we should watch,by comparing which movie got more popcorns..
ps cinema..as we walked into the entrance..
i just stared at the thingy they use to scan hp,for those mobile tics..
rmb hw tt ahgong told me can just go in straight,say wont need tics..
is it so easy to forget..


went into the cinema,and ended up this bunch of guys were sitting at our seats..
and beet started to ask them..
ended up they find out they were in the wrong cinema..
quite dumb ah,and funny..
so many of them,and no one realise they went into the wrong one..
then we were saying,imagining what will happen if we didnt get those seats..
then they'll have to wait till the movie start to realise they're in the wrong cinema ah..
first time meeting ppl in the wrg cinema..


was still msging auntie vic..
telling her i feel so stupid,to still cant forget and can still cry bec of it..
and she said..
'really,the scar has been so deep so deep tt it requires someone else to smear it up beautifully..'

the scar so deep so deep,will it ever be gone,even if someone smears it up..
tt feeling,tt fear,tt pain will still be there,or rather will nv be able to forget how it felt like..

telling her rly dunno whether if i'm unluckly or lucky..
unlucky cux tt 1 mth ended up making me hurt till nw like a silly crazy girl..

lucky cux i noe tt 1 mth was rly the best 1 mth ever,and meeting him tt ahgong,is rly the best thing tt happened..
lucky cux he said things i'll nv ever forget,things others wont say..

bt he didnt fulfil,keep any of our promises..

and auntie vic said..
'there's pros and cons ba.sweet yet bitter.happy yet unhappy.unlucky but yet luckily blessed at the same time...open up ur heart sage box and lock it deep deep within u ok..'

was i rly luckily blessed..
i feel more unlucky though..
cause i was rly rly rly happy tt time...
but tt happiness,i rly dunno if it was true or not..
as in whether or not,what he did was true..
whether or not it was worth me being happy about it..
i rly dunno,i nv will know..


and for someone that everyone sees as a big baddie..
as much as i rly like to..
but is it worth to open up my heart sage box and lock it deep deep within me..
will i seem even more stupid to 'lock a big baddie' inside me..
i know i know the ans..
i know i will keep him inside..
even when i know i look stupid..
i still cant stop myself..

is it so easy like hp movie,just saying it all ends here,means it rly will all end..
i'm sure,everyone feels weird tt hp movies are over,no more next one coming up..
yes,maybe aft awhile everyone will get used to it..
but i guess,it'll still be inside us smhw,the movie tt we grew up w..

it's easy to say it all ends here,but its so hard to do it..


out w auntie vic tdy..
supposed to go fullerton to catch a performance..
ended up didnt catch it..

so auntie vic decided to visit the toilet,since it was her first time there..
and tt familiar scene,i saw again..
those curved stairways down..
tt curved basement,toilet entrance..

rmb tt first day back at sch..
and tt random night out roaming ard city hall,raffles place area..
and ended up going in fullerton,and their toilet..
rmb tt ahgong tried to help me massage as we went down..
rmb they all went in..
rmb tt ahgong's backview,carrying his black bagpack,going in..
then we were waiting outsite,sitting..??
it all still seems like just ytd,cause i can still see those images clearly in my head..
see those smiles on our faces,then..
but in actual fact,it's going to be one year soon..

was msging auntie vic..
she was saying she didnt go in experience bef..
and i couldnt help bt said i experienced it bef w tt ahgong..
msging msging,until couldnt control and went to hide in toilet..
telling her,working now just make me miss tt ahgong even more..
esp when i hear my colleague opp talking on the ph..

like how i used to hear tt ahgong opp talking on the ph..
how i wish i can go back to tt small 'cubicle' seat again,and just sit there..
talking to cust,and in btw,hearing tt ahgong talk to cust in his voice,and his cute chi..
and early morn at work,can see tt ahgong come to work..
and when he sees me black face he can ask me to xiao yi ge..
and then when either or us stands up,can see each other,smtimes talk,ask stuff..
and seeing tt glutton ahgong,always buying food,those bread,donuts from opp..
and tt ahgong asking why i shivering when toking to him and will offer his jacket..

how i wish i can go back to this time,last year..
and i'll never allow things to happen the way it happened..

i would never had let it slip away..


went down bgc ytd..
the agency tt ahgong went to..
rmb the file holder he had in his bag w bgc name on it..
tt he took out and use it to fan us both on tt day below my house..

started work today,and was regretting so much..
so far..and ended up the job was so boring..and the ppl arent v friendly..
thought working in audit dept in a german mnc,is quite nice and cool and i can learn stuff related to my course..
ended up,seems like not much can be learnt..
and just keying in more and more invoice numbers..

and the whole of this first day i was already thinking about quiting..
and miss working in sh so much..so near..and so much more interesting..
rather get scolded by cust and talk to them than having to face the com whole day keying in numbers,in tt boring environ..


asked the agent whether i could quit w just 3 days notice..
and ended up..the agent whom i was so angry and pissed w ytd..
called when i was almost going to slp..and talked as if we're gd frens..

tt agent kept giving me missed calls,spam my ph,aft i said will call him back but didnt call him back,cux was at another interview..
called him back and explain,ended up still got smhw 'scolded' for not picking up his calls..
so ridiculous..
i accepted the offer,told me to go down to the other outlet to sign etc..
and my ph totally died smhw bec of his spamming..
wanted to cancel tuition bt cant,no ph to call..
no choice,went for tuition and rush home,knowing tt the person must have called or what,and another agent was waiting for my reply also..

and i saw tt agent msg!
first he msg n ask if i met his colleague and sign already..
then he msg again and said if i could be responsible and reply etc..
then he msg again and say he checked w his colleague already..

i'm not responsible??then i would not have gone home and replied straight pls..
he could have called his colleague earlier and asked what,he would have needed those doc from her anw..
then he didnt do tt first and still say i not resp..
spam my ph until no batt then what am i supposed to do..
so anxious to cfm the offer to earn com,and then still 'scold' me..
so irritating..
and when i replied unhappily,he still just said sry for the misunderstanding..


and then,what happens when i asked about quiting..
he called and kept asking why i want to quit..
how's the job like,why so bad,etc..
still so anxious bout his com??or he say v troublesome to find replacement..
talk and talk,still say pls,ask me tahan for one mth..
say treat me dinner and movie,etc..
still ask if i have fb,ask me add..
omg..
keep persuading and talking,laughing like we're friends..
for almost 20 mins..


was about to slp and ended up lying on the bed talking..
havent rly lie on the bed and talk like tt so late..
and just make me think of those times talking to tt ahgong..
the times when we talk and complain bout our cust,job,talk about stuff..
remind me of how olivia asked him if he had fb in the lift,and i wasnt rly close to him..
olivia later got his email and then added him on fb..
and tt ahgong added me..
remind me of how tt ahgong ask me about my email over the ph,ask me add or accept him..
make me miss those times lying on bed talking in the dark,so much,miss tt ahgong so much..


this first day of work..
i kept thinking back,tt first day of work at sh..
the 'journey' at sh..
how i saw jean,and the rest on the first day..
and subsequently,our outings,those ot we stayed behind tgt..
jean always helping me calc my timesheet hours..
olivia helping me check my waivers,jvs..
waiting for each other,them waiting for me to finish my follow ups,call backs for disputive cust..
and once where both of them sitting beside me,listening and laughing at how i handle those cust..
miss tt small table,bt cosy personal space smhw..
miss tt time where i looked over the table and tt ahgong was opp..
miss hearing him speaking on the ph,esp in his chi..
i miss those times,tt working environ,miss working w them..


thinking back,thought of how i met tt ahgong..
how we started talking,sitting opp,then same shifts,same dinner tgt..
then those outings..
and i forever cant forget this one time..
tt rainy day,where we all had to share umbrellas and run to the back canteen..
where aft dinner,the guys stopped to smoke..
and we went up the stairs,waiting at the lift..and i just randomly turned and look..
and tt ahgong was looking also,smhw like exchg glances..
he was already at ec at tt time,and we didnt tok much,and i noe my heart smhw 'stopped' for awhile..
and thought of all the things tt happened up till tt first day we started..
all in almost an incredible one month period..


one of the first things we talked about,msged,was tt ahgong saying not happy w the work..
not his cup of tea..saying too many follow ups,dread them..
and i said aft smtime,will used to it,and wun think n wry so much..
cant forget him saying,its his personality..
he care too much to not worry..
rly like tt responsible ahgong i saw at work..
didnt like the job,dun like the system,want more resp teamplayers..
wanted to quit and went to check w his agency..
still say i was free and asked me help him look out for jobs..


'care too much to not worry..'
'responsible..'
how ironic is tt now..
aft all the things tt he did..
did he ever cared or worried..
tt responsible ahgong just asked auntie vic to take care of me and ran away..?
like maybe how he'll pass on a follow up to a fren,if he's off or what..
so tt's responsible..?
care too much to not worry..
then i guess tt ahpoh wasnt cared for before..


4th consecutive weekend stay at aunt's house..
rly becoming my wkend home..
and so fast one mth since they moved in..

a busy and tiring past week~ just flew past..
tiring thurs whole day out settling and getting stuff for sat..
fri supposed to go swim w shing,but started raining..
and funny shing,supposed to exercise,end up say go eat arnolds..
aft vic gt addicted,now's her turn..
then still had to chiong for tuition,so tired,teach till want to slp..
finish le,dinner w family..
so tired but still had to go over and make jellies for 100+ ppl..??
jellies,i so scared of making now..

and cousin was helping..
both of us were at back kitchen,listening to songs..
and cousin was singing and danced to her fav songs..
us crazily laughing and making jellies past midnight in the super cool rainy weather..
w the 2 dogs w pei-ing us..following us as we go in and out the kitchen..
family time is still the best..

like all the other weeks this hols,this week again seem to went by so fast..
week aft week just zoom past..
tut 3 days, plus prep for grandma bday..
and then the big day..and one week is over just like tt..
how i wish time can stop now,so tt hols wont seem to be ending soon..


grandma's 71 le..
and since aunt just moved..
so decided to have housewarming and also celeb grandma's bday tgt..
aunt was supposed to be the host..
and yet,many guests saw my mum and smiled at her..
thinking she's aunt..
cousin's fren saw and dunno whether to greet mum..
some of their frens still asked if their mum changed clothes again..
when actually they just saw both my mum and aunt..


rmb last yr when we celeb grandma's bday also on sat..
went aft work..and i cant forget tt day..
the day where it was a bad day at work,the day where i cried so badly bec of the dumb dumb cust..
and i rly miss working there smhw..
so fast it's one yr le..

and bec of grandma's big 71 celebrations..
finally got to take a rare full family pic,w our dads,plus kaikai,our 'latest addition'~
and soon,next mth,would be kaikai 1st birthday le~

the last mth,we celeb ahgong's bday for him and he teared..
this time,i guess both popo and ahgong would be v happy..
with the whole family here,and so many relatives..
and her grandchildren,us,bought the bday cake for her..
saw how grandpa lovingly putting his hands ard grandma shoulder so tightly,to help and blow the many candles tgt w her..
it must be a happy day for them..

though grandpa did some bad things in the past..
and i guess becux of tt,tts y,mum and uncle isnt rly talking to him..
but at least everything's fine now..and they both seem happy..
esp,spending wkends over in aunt's house,w us,their grandchildren..
seeing their smiles,esp grandma's smile,is all tt matters to us..
knowing how great grandma's heart,forgiveness is..
or maybe grandma rly smhw just 看破 of it..


some relative's son will be getting married,and he's only 20..
bec the girl's pregnant..
this seem like the 2nd time,i heard from grandma's side of relatives..
one relative who's only 21,or 22,alrdy have a 3 yr old son??
and mum was saying,ppl mum going be grandma already,etc..
and aunt was saying,bout bf again..


even my younger cousin smhw have one..
mum and uncle they all dunno..
aunt say not to let them know,cux dun wan her dad to know also..
since she thinks they're still young,maybe 'puppy love'..
our family photo is just us,our family only,no one bringing home bf,gf..
though cousin's was there..
kept thinking,if only tt ahgong was here..
and share the love of our family..


everytime at aunt house,seeing cousin on the ph w bf,i'll think of the times on the ph w tt ahgong..and miss those times so much..
wishing i could also be like her,and talk to tt ahgong everyday still,at their place..
letting them secretly hear,the guitar playing,the singing,tt ahgong's voice..
smtimes,i rly have the urge to call him,to want to hear him,talk to him..
or maybe just call and hear and then hang up..
but i guess maybe he won't pick up..


smtimes,they're on the ph,the guy falls aslp,and then cousin will fall aslp soon,and they're both still on the line..
so jealous..
did have times toking to tt ahgong until almost falling aslp..and him getting slpy..
but didnt get the chance to hold on to the ph,till both of us fall aslp and not hang up..
and i'll just be reminded of tt ahgong saying,want to slp beside you..
saying goodnight,sweet dreams,slp tight..





rare full family pic and dad closes his eyes~
hopefully the other cam would be better..


我知道
By 2


從來沒想過 不能再和你牽手
委屈時候沒有你 陪著我心痛
一切都是我 太過驕縱 以為你會懂
一直忘了說 我有多感動

我知道你還是愛著我
雖然分開的理由 我們都已接受

你知道我會有多難過
所以即使到最後 還微笑著要我加油

我知道你還放不下我
才會在離開時 閉著眼沒有回頭
我們都知道彼此心中 其實這份愛沒停過




曾經完整幸福的夢 在腦海裡頭
我多希望你 還在我左右

我知道你還放不下我
才會在離開時 閉著眼沒有回頭
答應你我會好好過 不讓這些眼淚白流





“ 從來沒想過， 不能再和你牽手。。”


我们第一次牵手的时候，像是小孩子一样，边走边摇着手。。
我们，我，是如此的快乐，甜蜜，幸福。。
那么简单的幸福。。

我從來也沒想過 ，不能再和你牽手。。
从来没想过我们的第一次牵手却是唯一，最后一次的。。
我想，也没有人会想过，会经历过，第一次也是最后一次。。
仅仅一次，却能让你怎么忘也忘不了，就因为只有那么仅仅一次。。
仅仅一次，却能让你痛心万分的回忆着，就因为只有那么仅仅一次，才让你印象深刻。。
那最甜美，幸福，让人心跳加速，的第一次。。
永生难忘，的第一次。

我们一起拥有，共享，经历过，许多特别的第一次。。
是该感到庆幸吗？

庆幸，我是和他，那个最让我动心的他，‘创造’了我许多第一次的经验。。
还是，应该觉得，那些特别的经验应该是和更好的别人一起拥有，创造。
而不是他，大家眼里的坏人，大坏蛋。




“ 一切都是我太過驕縱， 以為你會懂。 一直忘了說，我有多感動。。 ”


他很懂我。
在那么短的时间里，他学会听我的语气，能听出，能知道，我的心情。

但是，是我，一直理所当然地以为他会懂，会了解，明了，整件事。
以为，他只是需要时间整理自己的思绪，然后会知道，想到我的心情，我所要的，期盼的。
但是，最后好像是我更了解他。
结果，不是懂我的他为我想，而是我一直试着想，站在他的立场，为他想，试着帮他辩解他那时的行为。

当时，我脑海了塞满了一堆我想告诉他的话。。
但，始终没说出全部，没勇气质问他，没勇气厚着脸皮说，问。
最后，就是没机会说，永远也没机会说了，因为一切都变得不重要了。
因为他直接放弃了。
没试过，就放弃了。




而且我也。。
“ 一直忘了說 我有多感動”， 多庆幸我遇上了他。。


感动，于他所说过的每一句话。
感动，于他所要我许下的承诺。
感动，于他所做过的一切一切。
感动，于他所能带给我的快乐。一次又一次，轻易地带给我欢笑。
感动，于他所给我的动人回忆。



“你知道我會有多難過，所以即使到最後，還微笑著要我加油...才會在離開時，閉著眼沒有回頭。。”


他知道一切有多难，知道我有多难过，知道我狠不下心。。
所以，他才下定决心，狠下心，在那最后一次，跟我说了那一番话。。
那些话，他的语气，我都听得出，那不是他，不是我认识的那个他。
我很确定，因为他过后的行为证明了一切。
为什么要那样伤害我，然后又叫朋友照顾好我，还写那番话。
如果他真的那么坏，那又为什么要费心去交代朋友，也不要让我知道。

但，他真的狠下心。。
因为，他始终都没回头。。




“曾經，完整幸福的夢 ，在腦海裡頭 我多希望你，還在我左右。。”


那曾经我们共享的，完整幸福，但又短暂的梦，还在脑海里頭。。
始终都无法忘怀。。
始终都无法说服，骗自己那只是一场噩梦。。

多希望你，还在我左右，带给我快乐。。
多希望你，还在我左右，就像你所承诺过的，说会在我身边。。
多希望你，还在我左右，一一地遵守着你的诺言。。
多希望你，还在我左右，而在这人生旅途中，那阿公阿婆，能陪伴着彼此，并携手度过到老。。
让我们曾一起拥有过的梦，梦想成真。。



那是一段美丽的回忆。。
美丽，甜美的真的像一场美梦。。
而我也好希望，不必从梦中醒来。。
好希望，能活在那梦里。。


tt ahgong once posted a note on fb..

"you know you can never stop a shooting star;cuz its too powerful
and there's nothing that you can do to change it's path and please do note,
you'll always be a star;a shooting star. You'd be the brightest that i'll ever see
and you'll blaze a trail that's visible long when you're gone. Staring at you now,
it seems so clear, you're so close yet so far and moving so fast its beyond my grasp.
And though you're long gone leaving stardust in your path, I'll be wondering; wondering where you are."


So be there where i can see you; be there as i always have known; but be bright so i can spot you so i'll know where you are. trust me,you are perfect; just the way you are.


at first i thought tt ahgong wrote such a touching and nice para..
but seems like he quoted the first part from dunno where..
and the last part should be what he wrote..
how great is that last part..

when i've posted stuff almost similar before..
and always posted w 'stars' in it..

'paint the sky with stars.but there will always be this one that blinks at you,that stands out and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be.'

this one that blinks at you,that stands out and will always be there,no matter what,that place i'd love it to be..
tt 'ahgong star'..


be there as i always have known.but be bright where i can spot you so i'll know where you are.
how weirdly similar..


you are perfect;just the way you are..

on tt day i left tt ahgong house..
tt day i was w him for the last time,saw him face to face for the last time..
i posted..
'not because of the way u speack chi,but because of everything,u're just the way you are.'
and tt day tt ahgong posted..
'just keep them in your secret world,like i didn't once existed.cause the risk to take is far too great, and i'm just the excuse.'



tt 'last day' tt ahgong kept asking why i like him so much..
and i didnt say much,didnt tell him the real reason..
just say bec he always sound so funny,nice,in chi..

when he didnt knew,it started from eyecandy..
and it was actually bec of everything he said and did..
because tt ahgong was just the way he was..
just tt ahgong i wanted..
just the way you are~


and tt ahgong have to post tt note..
with such similar stuff..
and tt note must be saying someone..
how great it is,if he's saying someone else,and he wrote it using such similar stuff..


sotong wanted watch movie..
so we went to watch transformers 3d at the cathay..
tt cinema tt we watch the first movie smhw as a 'couple',on our first day..
i know tt ahgong watched it w his frens alrdy..
and i kept thinking how good it is they can watch movie w him..
i can never get to watch movies w tt ahgong anymore..
tt movie tt was supposed to be the first movie we watched as a couple,ahgong and ahpoh..
became the last..
who would have known it'll be the last..

and it seems like,everything just ended from there,tt place,tt day,tt late night call till morn..
so nicely..


sotong shing's graduating..
and her convocation's tml..xh's sat..
so happy for them..

so fast..
we entered jc tgt..
5 years past,and now,they're already graduating from uni and getting rdy to enter the work society..
shing got 2 tics,and her mum and sis are going for the ceremony tml..
if her father is still around,i'm sure he'll go..
but i guess,sotong's daddy chan will be looking down from above,and will be smiling,and be so proud of his daughter..


sotong needed to get shoes for tml..
so we went to shop ard town..
and ended up she wanted to treat me dinner for pei-ing her get interview clothes the other time,and tdy,shoes..
and...

she brought me to santouka,cuppage..
since she know the ppl there cux her work frens from central outlet transf over there..so we got so much free food..
or rather,i showed the way,since sotong is rly blur..
cause she got lost finding her way from orchard mrt to far east..

i dun rly know the directions ard orchard well also..
but,just rmb how i walked from ps,to cuppage,to orchard w tt ahgong..
we were at far east,orchard..
so it was 'walking backwards'..
thinking of where we walked pass,what we did,to figure out how to walk..
cant helped but rmb everything..

and sotong asked how i know there..
and i said ate w fren there bef,fren brought me there..
kept asking who,why nv go central de and find her tt time..
and i said bec it was w tt ahgong,we went movie at douby ma,so go nearby..
she asked why he know santouka..is santouka so famous..
and i said,cause tt ahgong likes jap food ma..
sotong know i didnt want to say much..

restaurant was almost full..
didnt get to sit tt corner table..
and i cant help but turn and stare at tt corner table..
while eating,put my legs on the thingy of the chair again..
the cha shu i dont like,couldnt give to sotong,cause sotong couldnt eat it w her braces,like how i gave to tt ahgong..

then walked to douby..
stared at those seats outside..

always liked to go to daiso to get random stuff,and also those handicraft stuff..
but havent went there since the last time i was there w tt ahgong,on our first day..
didnt dare to go in..
but we went in tdy..
and remembered tt moment while we were queueing..
smhw our first and only little 'shopping'..for tt ahgong's staples..
also,tt glutton ahgong still bought those smhw kiddish cartoon cans sweets..
aft tt trying to open it,and used diff stuff to open..
rmb on the escalator..
tt chippy's store,tt place where we stand at to eat..
tt mrt ride home,tt walk home..
everything..


tt new drama..
the girl inside who got dumped was saying about re-visiting places she's gone w her bf,to smhw try to face it,feel the pain,and then can forget easier..
but it's so crazy..
every step you take,stepping over those footprints,wishing you can replace them..
is like,rly a huge needle poking through your heart..
really so pain..
pain until it 'wakes' you up,gives you goosebumps..
reminding you,and 'refresh' your memory,and making you remember all those memories..

so pain now,but those memories were so sweet,then..



'Saw shooting star..ephemeral;short lived yet so amazingly beautiful..so beautiful,but i have to question myself if i really saw it.'


seeing a shooting star,is like the time spent w tt ahgong,tt rs we had..
ephemeral;so short lived,so short time tgt..
yet so amazingly beautiful,so sweet until it's unreal like a dream,the best time of my life..

but,what happened aft tt,and her story,destroyed tt sweetest dream and made it into the craziest nightmare..
and i had to ask myself,whether the time where i thought was the best time of my life,was really real or not..
whether did i really had such a beautiful memory..
whether was i really so lucky smhw,to have the sweetest dream,to get to know tt ahgong,and to be tt ahpoh..
it was short,but i rly wish it was rly as simple and beautiful as a shooting star..
wishing it was all real,and really pure,true simple happiness..


but i cant be sure,i dont know anything,and it's so pathetic..
the feeling that you think you had sth,but then having to re-think again to ask yourself again,are you sure..
is just crazy..

you'll never have an answer,cause it's a vicious cycle.


so funny~so crazy~
soon after i posted my tt status..
tt ahgong posted..
'take a step back and look. is this the answer?'

and the nx day..
'find what you are looking for.and may it be great'

tt ahgong havent rly been posting such statuses since bef his exams..
until now..suddenly..such 'crazy statuses' smhw..

i'm sure if he saw my status,he shd know i 'used' the words he used..
and the thing he post seem to be answering me..??
'how much does it hurt to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..'

take a step back and look??
if it's telling me..then look at him or myself?
i rly dont know..
if it's telling me..why would tt ahgong still care,still be bothered..
it rly seem like 'tt ahgong' posting..

but i guess it cant be..tt ahpoh wasnt as impt as them..
aft he posted tt first one..
she posted stuff..
and also posted aft the second one..
just coincidental?
or are theirs linked..
i guess so..




stayed over at aunt house over the wkends again..
and ytd night..saw the sky was clear..
and went up w cousin to roof garden to see stars..
how i wish our new house can reno and have a roof garden too..
and there were rly alot stars..
more and more appearing aft you stare longer..
my cousin was saying like can see the whole milky way~

and then i thought i saw one bright one suddenly moving across v quickly and then gone..
my cousin wasnt looking same direction..and couldnt cfm if i rly saw it..or were my eyes playing tricks on me..
and i told her..asked if it was a shooting star..can we see in spore..
we even quickly make a wish still,just not to waste it,in case it rly was..
but i rly saw a bright star suddenly 'flew past' and then gone..
cant be a plane,it was real fast..and a small bright spot..
guess,it isnt tt easy to see in spore,maybe my eyes were crazy to imagine them..
maybe,dumb dumb eyes..
though i rly hoped it was a shooting star i saw..
so that our wishes can come true..


morn,went for sushi with cousins..
and as usual,their fav arcade..
last yr,w them also..
was playing the one where we have to aim and press the button to let go..
to let the flat bar thingy to go through the small flat space infront..
it's a crazy game,cux it's always just a little out of the thing,and cant go in..
tried quite awhile,and rly got it..
was so happy when the flat thing went through and pushed the doll down..
got a mickey..

then tdy saw the matching minnie..
the one to catch was lying totally face down on the machine platform..
like so diff to get it..
asked cousin to help me get it,cause i'll always get addicted if i cant get it..
they didnt want and i couldnt resist..
so just decided to change $1,and try once..
anyhow shake the clasp thingy to change its driection for awhile and then pressed the button le..
and...i got the minnie..with $1..
my best catch..
was so happy,and cousins were laughing at me..
and shocked at the one buck..
and now it's a pair of mickey and minnie on my bed..
it made my day..
does tt mean good luck..
more good luck?
or from the 'shooting star'..??
i wish more..


today's 2nd of july,a saturday..

'How much does it hurt to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..'

what tt ahgong posted tt time,tt coincidental time..
'You can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you.'

keep thinking,since she said tt ahgong didnt see tt email then,then he cant be using
'my words' in the email,and post at such a coincidental timing,soon aft i sent him tt email..
then the person he's saying,that's hurt,tt's missing someone you know was the best thing tt happened to you,cant be saying he knows how i feels..
then it should be saying about himself,his own feelings??
for her,or cindy..
missing them??i dunno..

but i know how it feels like..
how hurt it feels like to miss someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..
and then at the same time,feel that everything was a joke,and you should be hating tt person,instead of missing him..
how pain it feels like,but you just cant help it,to want to hate him,but still crazily miss tt person,those times..
tt ahgong,the times we spent tgt,and the journey we thought of walking tgt..
it's crazy,and it's a torture..
to keep telling myself,to throw away the feelings,not to miss someone tt did all the crazy things to tt ahpoh..



from that video,
"strangers,again",in a relationship there are like 7 stages..

'like most,we started off as strangers..'

stage 1:meeting.
stage 2:the chase.('some say it's the best part')
stage 3:honeymoon.
stage 4:comfortable.
stage 5:tolerance.
stage 6:downhill.
stage 7:breaking up.

the video is like~~
the jogging..like what tt ahgong wanted to do tgt..
the facebook..like what we started posting and commenting on each other's wall..
the ahgong first posted on my wall,using same words again,'work work work,3 consecutive off..'..and those things we posted on our first day..
the rushing to ph,late night calls..like how i always finish my stuff and wait for tt ahgong end work and call..our record,5am+..
the way they started,tt bench..like how we started too..sitting on a bench..tt scene so similar,like crazy..
the breaking up,i don't know..
and esp,we had some more 'stages' aft tt last stage..
her telling me 'exciting,crazy' stories..
and cont to hurt me,even aft tt last stage..


we rly started off as strangers,total strangers..
but we entered stage 1,in an unexpected way..
and we met,because of another stranger,a customer..
and then yes,there was a stage 2,very short though..
but it rly was the best part,short but such great impact..
and honeymoon??i don't know..one day??its crazy..
because after tt first day..i don't know what is what,what rly happened..

and i think we just skipped through all the stages..
and went right to the last stage..
from honeymoon,right to break up..
how great is that,how great is tt diff in feelings..
from great happiness,to crazy pain,saddness..
when honeymoon wasnt even long to begin with,and it went right into last stage..
so funny..
so crazy..
who'll have such a rs..
only me i guess,silly me..


1st of july,a friday..

'This year July has 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays.This happens once every 823 years..'
last year's october also had 5 fri,5 sat,and 5 sun..
keeps happening,even though its diff mths,cant possibly be just once every 823 yrs..
but still it makes the mth seems 'cool' smhw..
and it's 1st of the mth,a friday..

didnt want to stay home on this fri..
went to register for ftt..
the first date the person gave was a wkday..
so asked for the next date..and the person said..
17th sept,a saturday..
and i know..last year,tt sat,was my last day of work..
last year,tt period of time..
i was so happy..after knowing tt ahgong..
but now,i'm so scared for those days to come..

dragged poor dad to fetch me to aunt's new place..
and he went in to visit.
and he got the 'first price'..
by knocking onto the sliding glass doors..
thinking they were open..and wanting to go into the living room..
when i was trying to open for him,from the left side..
he called grandma,and went and bang right into the door at the right side..
i heard the bang and quickly turned then know wad happened,and everybody in the living room was laughing..

went for late night movie,xmen,w cousins..
and with a 'special guest',what my cousin said..
aft tt,they wanted to walk home..
and we walked ard 45mins..
cousin still not familiar w the pin num,so didnt want to set off alarm..
and we had our very first time,climbing over the wall,side railings to go home!

throughout the walk home,i kept thinking..
tt same night..2nd of the mth..tt same fri..
many mths ago..
how it is so much diff from now..
how i rly wish time can turn back..

'如果人可以活在过去,那我宁可不要未来..'

from the drama,醉后决定爱上你,tt cousins kept asking me to watch..
finished my 6 seasons of bones in one mth,and had nth to do..
so went to watch..and now addicted..
it's so much like the drama,fated to love you..

and i rmb,i had tt phone strap,w the name of the show,fated to love you on it w the cute cupid angel..
and tt ahgong saw it tt time,and asked about it..
and i asked if he watched it..told him it was nice..think he didnt..
i always thought of their pic in the show..
the pic ji cun xi wanted to take w xin yi..
their first pic tgt,their first family pic,since xin yi was pregnant..
tt pic rly seem to look like our first pic tgt..


and the story of tt new drama..
tt girl's bf was already getting rdy to propose to her..
but at the last min,tt guy wanted to break up..
and it was bec of his accidental one night stand,aft he got drunk,and tt other girl got pregnant..
tt's why he left the gf,and bear the responsibility to be w the other girl..
end up the gf knew about the truth..
and the guy didnt rly like tt other girl,only felt a sense of responsibility..
and the gf even went to help them,let them be happy tgt..

pregnant..and i immed thought of her..
what she said,bout her thinking she got pregnant..
always thought..
if she rly got pregnant tt time..
then what would happen..
will they get married at such a young age..
and then tt ahgong will still go overseas for his studies??
while she'll stay here..and wait for him to come back..?
by the time he grad,he'll already have a 3 yr old son??
it's so crazy..
and i thought how did tt ahgong do all those,to seem like to be putting his future at stake smhw..

and i thought if i was tt dumped gf..
i wouldnt be able to help them like she did..
cux i'm not so brave to go face them,see them..
and cant,don't want to see tt ahgong's son,their son..
it feels so disgusting,so crazy..


遗失的美好
张韶涵


海的思念绵延不绝
终于和天在地平线交会
爱如果走得够远
应该也会跟幸福相见

承诺常常很像蝴蝶
美丽的飞盘旋然后不见
但我相信你给我的誓言
就像一定会来的春天

我始终带着你爱的微笑
一路上寻找我遗失的美好
不小心当泪滑过嘴角
就用你握过的手抹掉

再多的风景也从不停靠
只一心寻找我遗失的美好
有的人说不清哪里好
但就是谁都替代不了


在最开始的那一秒有些事早已经注定要到老
虽然命运爱开玩笑真心会和真心遇到






承诺常常很像蝴蝶,美丽的飞盘旋然后不见~
我始终带着你爱的微笑~
不小心当泪滑过嘴角,就用你握过的手抹掉~
有的人说不清哪里好,但就是谁都替代不了~


this pretty song..
how true are the lyrics..
those sweet sweet promises,even pinky promise,ended up were just nothing..
each and every one of those big promises were so 'pretty,touching',one by one capturing my heart,making my happier and happier,then..
but now,they are just like knifes,cutting my heart deep and haunting me..
why make the effort to think and ask to make so many promisea,when u didnt mean them..
is it so fun to make empty promises,and break promises..even simple promises..


life's like normal now..
and sometimes when i'm happy,smiling..
i'll think of one of the reasons tt ahgong said before..
'...bec tt ahpoh always smiling..,so happy..'
and tt random one time in office when we werent rly close,he said xiao yi ge ma..
tt ahgong still said don't want tt ahpoh to be unhappy,want her to be happy forever..
how pain it is now,smiling and suddenly think of those..
because of all those smiles,tt's why tt ahgong got to like tt ahpoh..
tt's why we got to be tgt,for awhile..
but now..the smiles arent the same anymore..


有的人说不清哪里好,但就是谁都替代不了~
tt ahgong asked before why i like him..
and i didnt ans,didnt have any answers..
bec he was a eyecandy isnt rly an ans..
but it was the start of everything..
starting from the 'liking of a eyecandy..'diff kind of like..
then,after that,it was the actions,things tt the ahgong did and said each and everyday,tt slowly made tt ahpoh really like him..
cant rly point out what exactly..

but tt ahgong just seem irreplaceable..
and tt ahong's long gone,he doesnt seem the same anymore...

tt ahpoh can only..
use those hands tt ahgong once held onto and said don't let go..
to wipe away tears,until one day when it all isnt pain anymore..


不小心当泪滑过嘴角,就用你握过的手抹掉~

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