kept thinking bef i go back to office,shd i msg o to tell her how i felt or not..
couldnt decide what to say to her..to say sorry or what..
to tell her sorry,bec tt last time she conference call w jean n rox..
and i guess it was a v bad call,and jean was rly bad toking to her..
felt so bad for ignoring her calls and everything bef tt..
and when jean made me hang up,saying she want to talk alone w rox..
i didnt know she will call o,and 3 of them conf call..
i didnt know jean would talk so badly to her or what..

if i knew,i wouldnt have hanged up..cux it just make it like i owe o so much more..
and make me feel even more sry towards her..
when i think she didnt rly do anything wrong..but they all blame her..
like i always thought,if nt for o,i wouldnt hv had so much great memories w tt ahgong..

so instead of being angry w her or wad,i'm rly v thankful to her..
not that i wanted to ignore her tt period of time..
i was just so sianx of it,i didnt know how to face her,how to talk to her..
cause everytime she talked,she always had tt questioning tone or smhw sacarstic tone there,always questioning my faith,trust in tt ahgong..
and it felt rly bad..

even though i know they shd be right,since they all see tt ahgong in office..
but i just hated it,i just hate how they all saw tt ahgong..
tt ahgong tt they saw was totally different,totally changed..
totally not tt ahgong tt i got to know..
so i hated it soooo much..
tt they smhw didnt believe me,didnt believed tt the ahgong i knew tt time wasnt so bad,wasnt like tt..
they all saw the him bef tt,all thought he was nice,then why shdnt they question the change in him..
but instead just accepted it straight tt he's like tt..he's always been like tt..

yes,i guess they'll all say,people change..
such a drastic change in such a short time is just too crazy..
i have no ans why tt ahgong changed so much in such a short time..
so the only thing i could do was to hold on to the trust i had in him tt time,to believe..and like auntie vic said,maybe he did change,but his 'ben xing' is not bad..
but i guess they all thought it was stupid,dumb..
the truth is alrdy right infront,why still dun believe..why so stupid..tts wad o thought..

in the end,i just didnt msg o,thought it would be better to leave it like this..
and maybe i wont see her also..

but,from the first day i stepped back into office..
i was so scared of seeing o..
and the first day itself,she have to see me..
and still came to look for me..
she pat me,and i turned and saw her..
was so stunned and awkward..
and didnt rly know what to do..just smiled like norm..
been so long since i last see her like this,face to face..

and the first thing she said was..
'ni hai hao ma..'
and of course,i'll ans,i'm good ah..why not good..
what else can i ans..
and she asked why i came back etc..
so awkward..
the nx day she walked by where we were sitting again..
and i saw her again,and she still pat me on my head..
like she know i'm still not ok..
like last time..hw she'll 'comfort' me..

aft tt,always tried to avoid..dont rly want to see her,face her..
she's sitting at the other side,and we always go to the back and sit..

but today,we got chased by tls to move over there..
and no choice,was like sitting one row infront of her..
super awkwardness..
esp when mervin's sitting there also,he mux wonder why we arent sitting tgt,arent as close as last time,nv even tok..

so jux randomly sit at a table..
and then,this guy came later and sat beside..

after awhile..he started talking..i also duno how we started to talk..
i think he asked if we just started work or sth..
talked quite alot,till like we knew each other for v long..
and still helped me w stuff and disputive cust..
and then break he'll nap and still ask me to wake him up..
fren came over and still asked if he was my ex-colleague..say we talk until like so close frens..

the thing is..he smhw looks like tt ahgong..
tt shade of brown hair..tt fringe..
tt look..tt face he makes when he smiles,when we all were laughing bout sth..
the way he talks..his character..abit diff..isnt as tall..
he isnt as stressed and serious as tt ahgong always was..
but they look so similar..

i rly hate this..
is god playing w me..why let me meet someone tt look like tt ahgong and put me through this torture..
everyday i'm trying so hard to not think of tt ahgong as his bday's coming..
and tt day is coming..
and the pain increases each n everyday..
now i have to be reminded of tt ahgong everyday when i see this guy in office..


x2 pay tdy~
work.lunch w frens.aunt house.
evday is packed ttm..

congrats to dearest beeting...
the first to graduate amongst us..
had a mini celeb for her tdy..before she officially start work..
and start the nx phase of her life,as a working adult..
no more as a student..nx yr,it'll be our turn..

chatting and she was saying i having no life now..
so packed everyday..when can go out..
and asked me..if i was tired..
working,tuition,driving..and soon sch's going to start..
and i just smiled and say ok lar..since work isnt full shift..
and when sch start,work schedule can still arrange..

but actually,i feel so so so tired..
or rather,totally exhausted..
working at sh isnt an easy job..so many follow ups evday..
mentally exhausting..
and then tuition isnt just 1 day,but 3 days..
frens always so happy aft work,can go home le,can go out..
but i'm always stucked w tuition..
all keep asking me to stop the tuition..
but like so irresponsible..esp when her results rly bad and exams coming..
no choice but to hang on..

so scared when sch reopens..
dont know if i can survive and hang on..
evday,i keep looking forward to end of the day..
keep thinking of finish work,finish tuition..
and our shift's not full,so no lunch..
so aft wk,always just end up chionging for tuition,so can go home earlier..
and then,first meal = dinner..

and then aft dinner,smtimes i can almost immediately fall aslp on bed..
just slp even when my hair's still wet,and dun even care tt i just had dinner 5 mins ago..
tt's hw tiring it is..slping so early at 9+..when i always slp at like 3+,4+..
i think the last time i always slp so early is during pri sch days..

so busy,until sometimes,u feel u cant breathe..

i rly dont wish to be so tired,have so little time for rest and family..
but what else can i do..to numb myself..
everyday,as tt day gets closer,it gets increasingly pain..
and my tears can 'come out' easier and easier..
only when u become sooo tired..
till you'll feel ur eyes can close anytime,anywhere..
then those tears wont come out..
and also time passes faster..
and u'll completely be knocked out and dont even hv the energy to think much..
except to think of going to slp..


so pathetic,but what better ways are there..

hope that you had a good hari raya..


one year ago,this sat..
we had work..jean already quitted..
but came back office to wait for us..
to go for timbre dinner..and their clubbing..

i even rmb what i wore tt sat..
tt blue dress w a zip thingy on it..
cux tt ahgong sat opp me tt day..saw and asked if tt zip is real or not..
and i said it was,still tried to show him it can be zipped..
and tt ahgong still smhw laughed n smiled..i must have looked rly silly..
cant rly rmb if it was tt sat,tt the ahgong was wearing a blue cookiemonster tshirt..
it was tt sat where tt ahgong worked half day..
tt day where he left work n we were going lunch,and were in the same lift..
when we were at R lvl,i sillyly asked them what r was,and he ans roof..

that was tt first week tt i got to know tt ahgong..

aft work tt day..
still rmb went for timbre w jean n o..
and ended up,got dragged by them to butterfac..
and think tt day,i drank super alot,should be the most i had..
until abit blur blur and dizzy..crazy day..


and i rmb,jean got emo becux tt time she jux broke up w her bf..
hers was ldr..they just gt tgt and he had to fly off..but for like 3 mths only..
and they broke only when he came back..even though throughout the whole time he was there,jean emo-ed lots of time becux of so many things tt happened..
and i always had to talk to her..ask her to hang on and bear w it..
telling her since its ldr,sure more xinku..
she bear w it all the way until he was back,and they ended things..

i saw how jean was always so sad tt time,how she broke down so many times,and also at butterfac..
and all i could do was just pei her,talk to her,try to comfort her..
i nv rly got in a position like hw she was..always so emo about her rs..
and then crying so badly..
i nv rly had tt bad an experience bef..


but bec of tt ahgong,i got to realise how bad it feels..so much more bad.
and jean knew how much more bad mine was..
cux when it was 'my turn'..
she told me she undstd hw much more pain it must feel..
and i feel so silly infront of them..
one moment,they saw how happy i rly rly was..
one moment,they all thought and saw tt ahgong as a gd guy..
and i can nv forget jean saying,'can see tt he zai hu ni..'
but i guess all wasnt true..

bec the nx moment,everything went topsy turvy..

and she couldnt do much,but jux pei me also..
pei me all the way..
up until when rox wanted to call and talk to me..
pei me conference call w her..
if nt i rly wouldnt hv wanted to talk to her..





and i rmb..tt sat..
u msged first again..and gave in to me yet again..
u didnt have to give in at all..
all the other times,u rly didnt have to give in at all..

i know,all along..
u've always been bothered by the fact tt i'm always not the one tt msg first..
that i always dont tk initiative..tt i dont care enough..
not just to you,but towards other friends also isnt it..
i'll just say,i chose nt to msg first..
bec i know you'll always msg first in the end..
smtimes you'll wait and see if i'll msg,but in the end,you'll still give in and msg first..

the other time,when i was saying about stepping over the line,bec of chatting w someone till morn..i rmb u posted sth..
i can only say,it was bec smtimes,or alot times,it feels like it was going over the line..
and the only thing i thought i could do..was to not msg first..
i know you'll just say friends ah..not stepping over..
but tt was how i thought things can and should be done..and continue like this..

but i guess,all along,it always bothered you..

aft all these,isnt it clear,that it's not worth it..
i'm not worth for you being so nice to..i dont deserve it..
just let me be,just let me be..
everytime u turn back,just makes me feel so bad..
bec each time u turn back,and end up sth unhappy happens again..
then it'll make feel and look so bad all over again..
i'm not a good friend..i'm not worth it..
u deserve other better friends..


it's just like how i cant face olivia,now..
she didnt do anything wrong also..instead,she helped me alot alot..
and i shd rly be thankful to her..
if not for her,i wouldnt have had the best time of my life..
if not for her,i wouldnt have had so much great memories w tt ahgong..
if not for her,there wouldnt have been ahgong and ahpoh..


you helped me alot too,esp through tt period of crazy time..
i know the things u did,bt didnt want me to know..
both you and tt ahgong spoke to auntie vic,and didnt want me to know..
i dont know what exactly you all talked about..but i know you wanted to help me..

i didnt say anything,doesnt mean tt i dont know,dont care..
doesnt mean tt i'm nt thankful..

but i guess,in your eyes,tt's how i am,and i'm the worst friend one can have..
doesnt matter..i know how bad i am..

tt's why i always say,you're too nice,and i rly dont deserve it..
and time aft time,i always try to run away and put us in those unhappy situation..
but time aft time,you still come back and apologise,tell me hw sry u are..
and end up just make me feel so bad..

you said bef trust has to be earned..
asked me if rox had earned any trust,for me to believe her crazy story..

it's the same,i didnt do anything,i didnt earn anything,i rly dont deserve it..
other ppl definitely deserve it more than i do..
i guess you'll definitely be better off..

i'm sorry for being such a lousy friend..
and thank you for all the things you've done..


i dont just rmb things about tt ahgong..
just like you all think,tt i keep on just rmbering only about stuff about tt ahgong..
why think of it,why rmb..so stupid of me..
it's just that i rmb,i clearly rmb..
i dont think of it,its just there..in the head..all the images,flashbacks..
it's not tt easy to forget at all..
if i can even rmb other stuff not related to tt ahgong..
then those related to tt ahong,must be even more significant to me..
and even harder to forget..



"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."


one year ago,this wed..
i rmb we celebrated ahma's,xh's 21st bday at glasshouse fish n co..
i rmb i had a bad day at work,so many disputes and crazy cust..
so bad until had to stay back to ot and then rush for the dinner..
and mood was totally ruined..

it was one year ago..
but it still feels like it just happened ytd..
and mon,we celebrated their bdays again..
so so crazy..

and i guess one year ago,this same week..
it was this week that i met tt ahgong..
cant rly rmb which day..but i know its this week..
the week aft kaikai was born..

this week..
it should be one year since we met,since we known each other..
but..

because its this week..
i kept thinking back tt day where i went ard looking for halton,tt ahgong..
kept thinking tt moment where i first saw and found tt ahgong,and first spoke to him,standing beside him,and him sitting down..
tt brown hair guy w the wrist guard,tt was quite easily spotted,tt shade of brown i still clearly rmb..
kept thinking tt moment where i asked if he was halton..
and he still tried to cfm,and i asked again william yeong wei yang right..
tt stressed look on his face..
just kept thinking of tt 'first moments' where we met..

kept thinking how tt first interaction led to all the events tt happened subsequently..
how amazing an experience it was..not jux in the gd sense,but also the bad..
how bec of tt short short moment..it changed me,changed my life so much..
amazingly crazy,sweet,memorable..
amazingly crazy,bitter,torturing..

'amazingly sweet yet crazily bitter;happy yet unhappy;
unlucky but yet luckily blessed at the same time,and it'll be inside forever..'

it rly changed me,my life forever,it left a great impact on me..
it was a short short time,but i dont know why it left behind such great memories..


we were strangers..
never dreaming that dreams will come true..
but from tt moment on,things changed,everything changed..
'thinking to go to the top with you..'
and maybe for a moment,dreams,sweet dreams rly do come true..
so sweet,you'll never believe it..
like now,how qns it sometimes..did it rly happen to me..cux it seems too crazy..

from tt moment on..
we werent strangers anymore..
and we werent like so many other strangers we always meet in life..that come and go in our life..
we smhw became impt,significant,matter,to each other,on this life journey..
or maybe not we,he,tt ahgong became so impt to me,bec he affected me so much..
and there will always be a part of him w me,forever..

and i just thought it's so funny..
how tt one moment can make such a great differnce in our lives,maybe his didnt change much,but mine,it sure did changed alot..

and i thought if tt moment didnt happen,if tt unexpected surprise didnt popped out of no where,how would life be like now..
how would life be like,if i didnt met tt ahgong..
how would life be like,if we didnt enter each other's life..
how would life be like,if we werent each other's ahgong and ahpoh..

i guess,my life would be so boring smhw..so peaceful..so normal..
not as 'exciting'..
even though it have to be so pain aft going through an 'exciting' experience..
if i can choose again..i would still choose to meet tt ahgong..
i guess i'm stupid..
bec who would choose to go through this again,when they know how much pain,and hurt they'll get..


because,it was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..


one year ago,210810,this day,a saturday..
kaikai came to this world one mth early,to join in our family..
rmb tt sat i was at work..and at night,mum called or wad to tell me he's born..
he was supposed to be due in sept,but ended up giving us a surprise..
and end up,he was so small,so tiny..and everyone was quite worried..
so small until didnt rly dare to carry him..

one year has past so quickly,and he celebrated his first birthday ytd~
he was so tiny but now he's so chubby and well and healthy..
so heavy until all of us cant carry him for long..
have to take turns and take care of him,play w him..

one year ago,this sun..
i still rmb i went back to work..
tt crazy working 11 days straight to chiong ot,and so cont working on sun for the bonus ot..

rmb some things tt happened at work..
tt day where so few were at work,so empty..it was quite slack..
o was there too..and tt ec..sm dept head even treated us bubble tea..
and tt morn till night,only had tt bubble tea until tt late dinner at chomp w auntie vic..
sun bonus ot meant we only had to work 6 hrs instead of 8 hrs?but still get paid for 8,i think..so end quite early..

met auntie vic at bugis,for random manicure n shopping..
wanted eat astons,went to suntec bt last order over le..
so we went chomp instead..
and the 2 of us glutton ordered soooo much food,really..
till the ppl sitting nx to us kept looking..
ate till quite late until auntie vic called mum to pick her..

and we had a crazy laugh aft dinner..
bec auntie vic did the most dumb/blur thing ever..
she used her legs to flag at a car she thought was her mum's..
and when the car jux drove off w/o stopping..it meant it wasnt her mum..
we realised how dumb we mux have looked..and laughed like crazy..
till now,still can rmb tt scene where we were standing by the roadside..

but this happened one year ago..
rly so scary..
to think back,and realise it was one year ago..
i dunno why is time like passing faster and faster each n every day..
yet the pain doesnt go away day by day..

it's getting more and more unbearable..
as each and every day pass..
and gets nearer to tt ahgong's bday..
gets nearer to tt period of time where we just knew each other one yr ago,where we had so much fun tgt,tt best period of time of my life..
gets nearer to tt first day..01-02102010..


it's dad n mum's birthday..
happy birthday~

celebrated mum's chi bday previously,tt time while she was sick..
and mum mux have thought we wouldnt celeb again tdy..
bec we all were busy,had work,then tuition till late..
and bro sis all out..
aunt popped over..hide in my room..
and waited for bro to be back w cake..
mum alrdy off her lights watching tv in her room..
we lighted the cake and went in to give her a surprise..
and she rly didnt see it coming totally..

so busy havent got time to get them their present..
when i jux entered the house..saw dad n wish him happy birthday..
and the first thing he said was,where's my present..

last yr,i rmb mum's bday still had work,late shift some more..
aunt brought her out for dinner..
couldnt tk off,so asked tl to let me go off earlier..
so we could cut cake tgt..
one year ago one year ago one year ago..
i still can rmb what happened..

why is time passing so fast and yet its not helping at all..
they all say,let time do the work..time heals..
but does it rly help..


happy national day~
singapore's 46th..

as we leave school,or rather sec,jc..
the national day feel gets lesser and lesser..
the mood isnt there..
it was always like so fun and happening in sch,the day bef nat day..
singing all those nat day songs,watching performance,everybody so high..
esp when in cedar..
and also,half day sch..and we'll end up going out w frens..

but now,none of all those..
the day bef nat day was so busy..
no fun sch celebrations or wad..
and the actual national day,doesnt even rly feel like it..
except when we're watching it on tv..
used to be able to watch those fireworks from chiltern park..
can see those planes,flying directly over us,straight towards marina..
and tt one yr,where the planes made a heart shape w the smoke,we could even see it from our house..

at aunt house,everyone all rushed up the stairs so quickly,to the rooftop when the fireworks started,to see if we can see,cause tt area there is more or less low rised houses..
but still,couldnt see..
so sianx..

one year ago,on this day..
clearly rmb working on tt day..
how we were slacking ard and stuff..sitting ard and talking..
joked about the num of calls waiting,almost 0,when norm can hit 100 over..
and some didnt even rly want to to pick up those few calls..
think o made pasta from home..
and we still slowly ate since tt day was so slack..

end work,quickly went da bao food,and went over kengx house..
to watch those fireworks..


and its scary to think back of one yr ago..
bec i still can clearly rmb,like it jux happened ytd..
so scary,tt time seem to pass quicker and quicker..
one yr can just fly past like tt..
rly scary..
can time slow down..

one year ago,today..
i still havent met tt ahgong yet..
and everything was still so fine,so nice..
my simple simple simple happy life..
rly miss those days..
rly want to go back to those days..

dont know if i want to go back to last yr this time,bec it was still my simple life then..
or if i want to go through those days i was w tt ahgong..
rly dont know..





today seems like the busiest,packed whole day in dunno how long..
early morn went for sm redundant interview,then lunch w shir..
and dumbdumb agency last min tell me go down again to sign stuff..
so i had to chiong all the way down to tanj pag..
then chiong all the way hm again,to change for driving..
cant drive in dress..hahax..
and left hm straight..for 2 driving lessons again..
and chiong tuition again..
one whole day,how many places..
omg..

and i guess,soon when work starts..
it'll get even more crazier..
and esp when sch starts..


recently..
suddenly,every other day seem so packed..
esp aft adding on driving..
trying to chiong lessons and going 2 at one go..
so by right,shd be able to finish n take test in nov,dec..
so hopefully can pass by this yr end..
just gt pdl last week,and just nice had slots for the next few days..
what an experience for the first ever driving lesson..

esp,when i went for 2 consec lessons,when its my first time..
will never forget this crazy first time..
thks to the nt so friendly,and sacarstic instructor..
thks to him,for making me mount curb and make it my fault..
when everyone agrees its his..
and all bec of him,everytime i make turnings,gt tt phobia le..

first lesson finished basic intro,and stuff early..
first instrc was nice n gd..
and we moved on to what was supposed to be for nx lesson,into circuit to try..
still told me not to tell the other instruct i tried inside alrdy..
went a few rounds myself,and everything was gd,he still said,my turning was gd,for beginners,and better than sm guys..
he didnt specifically teach me and tk note,which turn was gentle,which was more sharp..
just let me drive and based on my judgement..

sec lesson,the instrc was telling me which turns gentle,etc etc,how to control..
then my turn..and he asked if i came in bef,so i said no..
and so went rounds again..
the lesson just started nt long only,and he started to say i keep overturning into corners..
so i just said okok..
and soon aft,tt quite sharp turn,tt i'll forever rmb..
and tt whole lesson,i thought ok,fine,i overturned,tts y we mounted the curb..
until aft when i thought back what happened..
how it happenned..


rmb it was like so crowded at the corner,so stressed,and i rly slowed down alrdy..
was halfway turning le,and he started saying i overturning into right..
or rather not saying,quite loud smhw,nt so happy,pleasant voice..
quickly grabbed my wheel to stop me from turning some more..
and then we went up the left curb!
nt just a little of the car,seemed like almost half of the car,was on the curb!

everything seemed to happen so suddenly and quickly,rly didnt even gt to see the curb coming..
just rmb,hearing him so loudly,then tt loud sound..
and everything seemed to be so messed up..
and saw his super unhappy,'pissed' face..
made me even more stressed and shocked..
it was rly omg..
cant forget how fast my heart was beating when i heard tt loud bang..
and totally stunned,pause there dun dare to do anything..
until he told me wad to do..

aft tt,throughout the whole lesson,i was super super stressed..
still had to try so hard to multi task,listening to him teaching n driving..
if not i'll see more unhappy faces..or more 'scoldings'..
couldnt wait to end lesson,and tt incident did made me feel like stop learning alrdy..
and seeing his unhappy face rly omg..
he keeps saying i nt scolding u right..
bt the things he say are sooo sacarstic,and his face and expression says it all can..
like when i'm steeping on the clutch too long,he'll say,u can let go of ur dearly clutch alrdy,in tt sacarstic tone..


even when i just simply stall engine,his face alrdy so nt happy..
i just started only ah,supposedly my first day only..
isnt it so common for beginngers to stall..even pros smtimes still will stall ah..
and i know i stall 2,3 times only eh..
why still hv to give tt face..
not like i mount curb again..irritating..
and when the car jerks too much bec of my breaking,he like move forward so much until abit exaggerated,as if he cant control a little..

and there was this other car infront,dunno wad they learning..
driving so slowly,and kept signalling left right,change lanes left n right..
so i was behind them quite awhile,until i was quite distracted by their lights..
cause their lights keep blinking,so have to see whether they coming in my lane or not,and so i was driving slowly..
was v near them..
then the instrc said,dun bother about them,dun need see tt car,just see ur front,ur lane..
it's like tt car alrdy chg lane so many times,hw can i dun look at tt car,to know whether are they going to change into my lane again??
dun need care??so dumb can..
later accident,my fault again..
so angry w tt instruc..


first,made me mount curb..and push the blame to me..
still say becux i overturned,i almost caused an accident..
if i rly overturned into right,why would we have mount the left curb??
he just grabbed and stopped me turning,so it means i didnt turn enough into right wad..
if i cont,we wouldnt have mount the curb..
esp when i alrdy tried a few rounds,inner n outer lanes le eh..
the judgement is there alrdy ma..
nt like it was my first round,saw tt sharp turn,panic,so i turn my wheel 1.5 rounds meh..

then,all those unhappy faces,expressions clearly written all over his face..
his sarcasm..
and his impatience..can clearly hear from the way he instructs me wad to do nx..
turn left....turn right...monotone and super sianx voice..


if no patience and cant ctrl ur 'angry,unhappy' feelings..
then why work this job..why 'teach,instruct'..
he rly want to try and test his patience??
then control..

u cant expect to get all those experienced learners ah..
those who wun stall,wun break too hard,wun step clutch,wun mount curb..
why work this job,when u alrdy look so sianx,bored,cant tahan,just sitting on tt car,tt goes 20km/hr..
maybe i'm a lousy learner,but his attitude is way too bad..

and then,end of lesson,his attitude totally change,like nt sianx anymore,brighten up..
cux its end of work..and his tone of voice also diff..
still said bye,like happily..
and i didnt rly want to reply..

i seldom get so angry so easily w ppl..
but he rly made me super angry..
what's more,he still made me have tt fear nw..


praying hard tt i wont get him again..
if nt i'll go choose one perm one..

and thks auntie vic for waiting for me aft her lesson,while i hv mine..
and banmian and chicken again~

auntie vic driving exam nx wk!!
on her bday!!since i think one mth ago she's alrdy saying she's scared..
and now it's rly coming..
and we're both so excited bout it already..
hahax..already making plans about what to do aft she pass..
pick me up from wk,do dinner,etc etc..hahax..
that's if she passes..
praying hard hard for u~




4th august..
one more month to tt ahgong's bday..
last yr he didnt seem to had a great bday celeb..
rmb he said he just went vivo for dinner w his family..
didnt seem rly happy..
and we werent v close,and i only gt to wish him happy bday one day in adv..
his fb doesnt have his bday..
dunno if his close fren roomie and clique would know or not..
dunno if they would help him celeb..

breadtalk friend finally gave birth to her baby boy tdy..
should have been early nx mth..but so unexpectedly early by one whole mth..
guess baby cant wait to meet his mummy..
and i cant wait to go see him too..
so funny how both of us becum so close,when beginning i was scared of her..
she was the cashier head..
and when i jux went there,it was her who taught me everything..
and her face always like so black,seldom laugh..
can rmb how becux of aunt who was area mgr there..
tt's y went to work at breadtalk..
and also another cashier which join us frm another outlet..
didnt rly like her at the beginning..
but ended up,we were the closest..
kept on going tt period of time..
still have nicknames for each other bec of a misunderstanding btw our cust n us..

another work experience i'll nv forget..
and the nice ppl i met there..
quite sometime ago since i worked there..
jc,till uni,went back to work smtimes..
miss working there also..
bt since the ppl there arent the same anymore..
cant go back there..and the mgr~


night jogging for the past 2 nights..
dunno why,these few days,weeks..
those thoughts inside,the pain,are getting crazier n crazier..
as tt day is nearer..
i rly hate this feeling..
just wanted to run and run and sweat them all away..

a fren gt attached ard tt same period of time as us..
and every their mth anniv,they'll be posting sweet stuff on fb..
celebrating hw many mths tgt..
and for me,just counting how many mths of pain..
hw long has it been,and why is it still so hard to forget..
cant be forgotten..

we didnt even get to celeb one mth..
tt first time at his house..was supposed to be one mth if nth happned in btw..
so all those crazy things tt happened at his house,was it smhw counted a 'celeb'..
or more like a breakup day..tt he planned..


but still,running doesnt just solve everything..
doesnt clear our memory..
smhw,sweating it out,tiring myself out,maybe like letting it all out..
but..

esp,when tt ahgong talked about jogging..seemed to like jogging..
saying about going jogging tgt..
hw i was rly looking forward to them..
looking forward to going morn jogging ev wkend w tt ahgong,then hv breakfast tgt..
thought of hw nice it would be..
but those days nv came..


everything,so much things we talked about,wanted to do tgt..
we never got to do them..
never had the chance..
and i guess we'll never have the chance anymore..


it's the 2nd of august..
2nd day of the mth..

national day is coming soon..
rmb last yr,had work on tt day..
and it was fun..
cux there were super few calls,and we were rly sitting ard lazing..
seldom had no calls to pick up,tt was like one of the vvv few days..
and it was a ph,so x2 pay..
and aft past few yrs of trying to go down n catch those fireworks..
squeezing w crazy crowds..
last yr,aft work,just went over to kengx place n see those fireworks..
used to be able to see from old house..but not now..
guess,no fireworks this yr..


first it was tt ahgong tt seemed to be 'responding' to my statuses last mth,so coincidental again..
him posting,'take a step back and look.is this the ans?'
and then 'find what you are looking for and may it be great..'
then it was olivia..

it isnt just once..
the other time i posted..
'people don't really change. we like to believe they do, but they don't.'
and she posted soon aft..
'Ppl really do change we choose to believe they dun....or they have been this way,we choose not to believe..'

i guess she must know i'm smhw saying tt ahgong..
and she posted tt..then she must still think tt ahgong isnt a gd person..
if she rly felt tt way,then i rly dont undstd why would she go and comment and posted sth on tt ahgong's wall,asking when is he coming back..
why would someone care and ask a 'bad person' when is he coming back..
it's so weird..

then i posted..
‎"Faith..is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted,despite your changing moods.."
and she posted super fast,again like within half an hr..
"Have Faith.... (:"

what am i supposed to think..
to think tt it's just a coincident..so similar stuff..
how am i supposed to do it,time aft time..
not just her,but tt ahgong also..

she should know tt up till now,things i post are still related to tt ahgong smhw..
why ask me to have faith..
when tt faith i was refering to was tt faith for tt ahgong..
tt faith we shared..
tt faith tt i dunno if it ever existed..but i rly wished it did..
why ask my to have faith in someone she think isnt a good guy..
i rly rly dun undstd..
maybe the faith she's referring to is saying about having faith in life..?
i dunno..
at tt point in time,i rly had an urge to msg and ask her what was she doing..


aft smtime,she posted..
'For all my gfs: love is like holding one stalk of rose in our hands, hold it too tightly you will crush it, hold it too loosely you might drop it. If you feel is tiring holding it then let it go, else treasure what's on your palm now... For love is never everlasting (;
P.S how you wanna hold it is yours to make ignore what others have said'

the last sentence..how u wanna hold it is yours to make,ignore what others have said..
is it so easy to ignore what others have said..
like what she told me of him,what rox told me..
is it so easy as how she said it..
why say sth like tt,when she know,how it's quite impossible..
unless only,if what they all said,are lies..


and now..
i just posted only..
'如果每次都握不住自己想要的幸福，那剩下仅能做的就是紧紧守住那​些珍贵，美好的回忆。因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能​从它得到真正的微笑。'

and she posted again..
'To love some one you have to love his weakness as well....'
'how could one 4get love in secs,mins,hours even days or months.... only true love takes time to heal... to recover....'

tell me,she's not 'telling' me all these after all these coincidences..
why would she say its true love,when in everybody's eyes,it shouldnt be..
he was just a big baddie,why would there be any true love..
esp for olivia,who shd have seen everything he did,the good and bad..
then it shouldnt be true love at all,cux one wasnt true,he wasnt..

what is she trying to do..
i guess maybe she's trying to be nice,'comforting' me smhw..
but tt wasnt how she was tt time..
she was scolding me tt time,was so angry,not happy w wad i was doing,saying why am i so stupid,etc..

she's just making me feel even more bad..
was talking to auntie vic tt day,whether or not i shd tok to her,say sry or wad..
it feels so bad to be like stucked in the middle..
jean and shir,both rly hate her,nv want to tok to her anymore..
and when i told shir bout wad o posted,she just told me to delete her n ignore her..
i know i nv was rly angry w olivia,all along,i just slowly rly didnt know hw to face her,got so scared of hw she talked to me,and questioned me bout tt ahgong..
just chose to 'escape' from her smhw,rly dunno hw to face her and talk to her..

i miss those times we went out tgt,it was nice,she's fun,caring..
just tt maybe when she's unhappy or wad,her attitude may nt be v gd..
but we got used to it,bec we know tts her..and she's rly ok..
even as much as i wish things can go back to last time..
i guess i rly dun have the courage to face her and talk to her..
and i guess things will nv be the same anymore..
the awkwardness will always be there..
esp wad am i supposed to say about why jean n shir are ignoring her..
its so difficult..
and i know it's impossible to ask jean n shir to 'be friends' w her again..

and ended up,we thought,maybe leaving things as it is now,is the best way..
maybe i should just cont being a bad guy smhw..
and carry cont to carry tt bad feeling,tt guilt w me..
hoping tt smday it'll go away..




'如果每次都握不住自己想要的幸福，那剩下仅能做的就是紧紧守住那​些珍贵，美好的回忆。因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能​从它得到真正的微笑。'


这不是第一次。也不是的二次。
已经一次又一次的发生，多得我真的害怕了，害怕到不敢去回想，到底发生过几次。
我真的害怕了。
那种，已经得到了，然后下一秒就失去了的感觉，已快变得如此熟悉，也已变得如此麻木。
不管我们如何紧紧的握住，守住，那幸福还是会溜走，溜得远远地。
就好像空气一样，不管你用什么方法，怎样也握不牢。

幸福，到底是什么东西，为什么那么折磨人，为什么能让人痛彻心扉。
为什么，对有些人，却又是如此的简单，轻而易举。
我想，我所有的勇气已彻彻底底地用尽，我也不敢在奢望，期盼着拥有幸福。
因为，幸福真的太难捉摸了。


我唯一能做的是，紧紧守住那些珍贵，美好，真实的回忆。
因为，回忆会是永恒的，而现在的我们也只能​从它得到真正的微笑。
微笑，才能给予我们力量，抚平我们那丑陋的伤疤，便更勇敢地继续我们的人生旅途。
微笑，才能迎来更美好的明天。
微笑，才能对得起自己。


微笑，因为，那阿公还说过。。
不要我不开心，要我永远的开心。。

微笑，因为，他曾叫我。。
笑一个吗。。


it's august already..
crazily fast~

and i quitted from tt job,crazily fast too..
2 weeks..
rly too tiring..
work plus all the tuition is rly crazy..
and rly leaving home early morn,reaching hm late..
and slping super super early..
broke record tt day,right aft dinner,couldnt take it and fell aslp at 9+..
its like since pri sch,havent been slping at or bef 10..


one day at work..
was checking the certs to be sent out to companies..
and i saw one for starhub..their bcm cert..
and the next one..
was attentioned to tt ahgong's name..

and last day of work..
was dumb..
saw tt ahgong's name popping out again n again,for diff companies..
at least 5 times..
everyday do almost the same stuff,use the com,but dont rly see his name popping out..
bt tt day,it just keeps appearing..

and i rmb tt one time at office..
tt day olivia was planning a movie outing..
tt ahgong mc,but still was going..
i didnt rly wanted to go,cause tot it was weird,awkward..
and olivia wasnt rly happy..


then aft awhile she tried to ask me again..
and my cust particulars was still there,and his name was same as ahgong's also..
so i said,from then till end of work,if i get 3 cust w the same name then i'll go..
even though its quite a common name,it was still hard to keep getting cust w the same name..
and it was only 2,3 hrs till end work..
and usually it'll always be alot diff,funny,unique names..
but ended up,tt day..
i kept getting cust w tt same name,william..
and i went tt day..
if i didnt go tt day,i guess i wouldnt have been able to sit on tt ahgong's car..

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