two years ago,this same june hols..
had family chalet..think aunt said,yizhang bought new house..
but not selling her old one..
then,cant rmb if its us first or uncle to sell and then crazily rushing and hunting for a new house,the mad rush..
it was almost the same time,aunt,uncle and us all sold and bought new houses..
all tgt,one aft another..

rmb always searching online,and waiting for dad to come home and then show him..
and then we'll crazily go out in the middle of the night,to go 'house seeing'..
and we found the house bef we had to move out of old house..
but end up the house we like so much had just been rented out for 2 yrs..
we didnt want to give up the house,so had to crazily look for a rented place again..
and this place now,is great also..

last yr also ard mid yr,june hols..
uncle's new house was done,and they moved in..
and aunt's new house had to have some major renov which they kept delaying..
so we kept saying maybe we'll move in before her,when she was the first to buy the house..
but now,this year,this june hols..
the house is finally done,and they moved in last week,finally..
the house is real pretty..
stayed over at my 'second home' smhw..since she's my aunt who's almost like my godmum..

and it was fun,changing rooms,slping in diff rooms w diff cousin..
no internet yet..and seems like maybe fb can slowly go away..
ordered mac delivery in the middle of the night..
we were all watching shows in the room..
since the person said 1 1/2 hr wait..when the dogs started barking,we ignored..
until some time later,then the person called..
and we all had to quietly,quickly like tip toe,scramble down..
if not later grandma might nag the next day..
eat quietly,bec of the echo..and then quietly sneak back up again..
love the roof garden..
went up late to see stars too..
aunt's place there is great to see,if the sky's not cloudy..
private estate,and no high buildings..so it's like a vast vast big sky..
if only ours will have a roof garden too..or my room's there..
and family day in a big house is so fun..
bought those small pool for kaikai and can play out at the garden..
and playing w the intercom thing,asking them to come down for dinner..
if not,we'll just have to shout,and the echo~

if we didnt extend the contract for another 1 yr,the contract would have ended in may,and we could be staying in there already..
just one more year~
next year this time,it'll be our turn busy moving..
we bought house tgt at the same time..
then slowly moving in,one year aft another..
and time rly flies..
by the time we move in next yr..
it'll be 3 yrs since we moved out of our missed chiltern park..
even aunt misses there..
just looking forward to next year..one more year..
and hoping i wouldnt miss here,and cant bear to leave..


my 200th post..
my 100th post was on the last day of alvls..
100 posts since then,and so much happened..
and i guess most of tt 100 posts would have tt ahgong in it..
i rly hate myself for being so useless..

saw small sugar donuts today..
couldnt resist and bought them..
rmb tt time working in sh..
office frens were buying those donuts from the opp bakery..
and we started buying as snacks too..
and there was this guy tt bought them and stuff them to me,ask me to eat..
bought muffin and left on my table,and drew a smiley face on my book..
there it was again..and i rly hate myself..

tt time i still haven met tt ahgong,didnt know him..
but soon,i got to know tt ahgong..
and i rmb buying donuts for friends,and offering him..
and gave him chocs bec always see him so stressed up..
aft tt,also saw tt ahgong bought the donuts to eat,tt glutton ahgong's table always seem to have food..
also,tt pokka coffee drink,the one tt i gt addicted tt time..
and one of the reason he said why he like tt ahpoh,was bec of how tt ahpoh always give him food..those donuts..

but one time,i rmb meeting jean for lunch..
tt time,where jean was talking to me,asking me..
telling me not to give up,must at least try once..
i said i will, i didnt wan to give up like tt..
but i wanted to give tt ahgong time to think himself first,dun say anything..
when i had sooo much to say inside,at tt time,like i cant do this all by myself,tt ahgong need to be ard too,and walk the journey tgt..
but i nv got the chance to say it..


then i went back to pei tt ahgong have dinner..
and otw back,he said had to help her buy the donuts..
i guess,there was nth then..
but..it all shd have started smhw ard there..
it's silly but i hated to think of it..
tt ahgong helping her buy those donuts..

i did tried..but tt ahgong gave up totally..for her..
it wasnt about me trying or not..whether i was confident or not..
it rly didnt matter..cux the outcome seem likely to be the same..
sometimes i wished i didnt say anything,didnt try at all,didnt tell tt ahgong all those things,why i want so much to do it..
i just wished,if only,tt time i didnt say anything at all..
when he decided,to cont be friends first..
and i'll just walk away like nth happened,like it didnt affect me at all..
like i didnt rly like tt ahgong,tts why its so easy for me..
if only i did tt,and pretend tt i didnt like him,maybe he would be the hurt one and not me..
and i wouldnt have made it so clear to myself how much i like tt ahgong by msging him those heartfelt words..
and the most impt,is maybe i wouldnt be so hurt,painful..


i'm so scared to get a job..
i'm so scared that as each day pass,it's closer to those days,one year ago..
one year ago,tt period of time,i was so happy..
but now,i'm still trying to cover those wounds..

one year ago,last time this year,the four of us,are happily working there..
going out tgt..playing,enjoying our hols..

it's so fast..going to be one year soon..
one of my friend got attached around one week bef us,last year..
and up till now,every mth,they wish each other,happy hw many hw many mths..
it's going to be happy 1yr soon for them..
and for tt couple in the office tt ahgong and i say we're faster than them..
also one happy mth aft another..
and also soon 1yr..
and sotong xh too..
it's just so easy for everybody else..




~我觉得自己好没用，常常守不住握在手里的东西。
所以，一旦失去，我也只能认输，只能后悔，一点办法也没有。~


vettel won again..
though it was quite a boring race..with not much accidents,action..
and with no retirement at all..
and the time gap opened up..esp btw vettel and alonso..
so vettel's first was quite secured..
and the main fight ytd,seem only to be btw home crowd's fav alonso,and webber..

vettel won 6 races out of 8..
and now leading very much ahead..77 pts lead~
1st at 186..and 2nd is a tie btw button and webber at 109!
last year he won with 256 pts..now alrdy 186pts..
ytd was the 8th race of 19 races for the season..
and vettel won 6..
just 4 more races..
if he wins the next 4 or the next few..
then he'll win the championship once again..
spore's around there,maybe he'll secure the win in spore~

unlike last year's totally exciting,unexpected,last min win,that was up till the very last race,the very last points to decide who'll win..
last yr he won only 5 races..
but this year,he alrdy won 6 1st and 2 2nd..
and starting from the front row every race..
this year's season totally is crazily dominated by vettel up till now..
and bro's hamilton is slipping back..
had a bad start ytd,losing his place to the 2 ferraris,right at the beginning..
almost finishing half the season~
and vettel's looking real good..


finally got to watch the lion king musical on sat..
supposed to have ended..but they extended it..
shd have watched it right aft exams..
but auntie vic and i took quite some time to look through the dates to choose better seats..
and ended up having to wait patiently,till ytd..
couldnt wait cux it seemed rly nice from the adv and all the good comments..
and it rly was great and spectacular..
the theatre wasnt as big as expected,so the seats werent rly an issue,since it was quite close and packed tgt smhw..
and we chose quite a good spot..

the stage was also not as big as expected,thought it would be bigger,for it to look more spectacular..
but it didnt have to be big..and the show was rly amazing..
the stage was small,but they had alot things 'installed' in it..
like the circular platform tt would rise up,that made the stage looked bigger,and created a vastness feel for some scenes..
and within it,there was like yet another platform..
things could pop out from the stage itself,or go down the stage..
and how their big props moved and position on the stage..
seems like a great work designing the stage..
even w the small stage,the first scene proved us wrong,and it was a great start to the musical,rly magnificent..
with the song,circle of life..
and the actors-animals even walked through the stairs through the audience,up the stage..

and at the beginning we saw the conductor standing infront of the stage,like can only see half of him,cux he was like on a platform below,lower than the stage..
and we were wondering what who he was conducting for..when we couldnt see the band..
and the space below him,below the stage seemed so small,for there to be a live band below..
and if the band was below then wouldnt it be tiring for them to look up..
then the intermission,we went infront to see..
we've seen bands infront of the stage,maybe abit lowered down..
but not like theirs..
it was like smhw half covered some more..
and we were all shocked..
it was rly packed down there..but it looked rly cool..
all the instruments,everything were there,'well equipped' for the great music for the performance..

and on both sides of the stage,higher above..
there's like a small little space,for all kinds of drums and unique instruments..
percussion..
rmb how we used to have all those weird instruments in band tt had special sound effects..
liked those drums..
just reminds me of sec sch,how we had those practice sessions w the conductor..just 3of us standing infront of him,practicing..and how i like to play w the drumsticks,running it through the fingers..

the lightings,props,backdrops did alot too..and it was rly nice..
and auntie vic said it reminded her of the days in baiyungang,when sotongs were all in the props team,and how when the lights go out,we'll always have to act fast and find our way in the darkness,to clear props and put them out..
the costumes also were great and sure have an integral part..
esp those bright coloured costumes,and some unique fabrics used on clothes,gave it the african touch..

and the performers of course..
great performance,singing,music..
though many of them had 'props' on them..
those animals they act,they had all these diff masks and figures..
it was great how they try to incorporate the actors w the characters in the movie..
cause it was like operating a puppet smhw,for some of the characters..
like the bird,the person was 'operating' it,gave it life..
but at the same time,the person seemed to be part of the show as well,have his own character,wearing an english hat..
so it was rly interesting as to how they made the people 'visible' as a character on their own,but actually were trying to operate those puppets..

the tics were ex,but it was very worth it..
the 2 1/2 hr show was rly rly great,one not to be missed..
and even though the show was great..
as usual,auntie vic always dozes off..
like almost every single time we watch a performance,even movies..
like band performance,she'll be the excited one to want to go,and then end up falling aslp..
movie,like harry potter,she fell aslp too..
and she asks how i know she falls alsp..it's becux it's not the first time..
and becux when there's funny parts of the performance,smtimes she'll laugh..
aft awhile she won't,and can only hear sotong sy beside her laughing..
it's so funny..


aft tt glutton auntie vic was hungry and had random craving for wan tou sek's porridge..
the whole day we were msging bef we met,like more than 50% of her msges were saying about cravings for all kinds of food!
so she called her mum,sa jiao and asked where she was..
and her funny mum said she was hungry too..
so we all went for dim sum supper in geylang,the famous wan tou sek..
and it was rly packed..
the dim sum was nice,esp the chilli,and their porridge..
and another glutton sy,was rly happily eating the nice food,can see her smiling!
ytd was father's day..so the shop gave a father's day cake..and even had the sign there saying happy father's day..
i went home and mum told me to bluff dad,tt i bought him tt cake for father's day..
and he rly believed and even asked why i didnt write his name on the cake!

Happy father's day~
i'm sure he's happy!
cause he came home just now,saw me lying on his mattress watching tv..
and he copied what i said when he lies on my bed sometimes..
i always said he so dirty,havent bathe,dont lie on my bed..
so he said,i'm so dirty still lie on his bed..
my cute crazy dad..
we're late night partners..
slping late ard the same time and waking up late too..
so mum got nth to nag..

sotong shing posted happy father's dad daddy on fb..
saw it and got tt xin tong feeling..
all the times we've been out,she always smiling and she's ok..
just smtimes will still say a little stuff bought him..
like tt time,went w her go get interview clothes,she saw the ties..
and said,dad used to have alot,and he bought silk ones,saying v exp..
but he bought so many and didnt wear them bef..
just wonder why is life so cruel to her,to take her daddy away from her,so quickly..

but still,happy father's day,sotong's daddy chan~


songs from lion king..
i rmb tt ahgong once was singing on the phone..
and it sounded so familiar..
rmb i asked if it was from lion king..tt ahgong said yes..
bt cant rly rmb what he exactly sang,or which part of the song..
but there isnt much easy songs to sing from lion king..
and i rmb i went through my disney cd to look for tt song..it was there..
seems like,can you feel the love tonight..
and the scene where they sang the song,i almost broke down..

cause i just rmb all the times tt ahgong just simply sang over the ph..
some songs i know,some i dont,some his favourites..
and i still tried to note down some on my bro com,since my com was spoilt tt time..
but my bro went to clear his desktop..and i couldnt find it anymore..
one time tt ahgong asked what i wanted to hear,and i looked through my ph songs..
and i said every breathe you take..
and i can rmb tt ahgong took some time to find the score on his ipad,then sang..
and some parts he said he didnt rly know how to sing..
but he sang the parts tt i liked..
and tt song,i learnt it on guitar before too..
really missed those times,those simple and happy times,hearing tt ahgong sing,play his guitar..


chatting on msn till 7am is wrong..
even broke my record of talking w tt ahgong on ph till 5+..
nv even gt to talk to tt ahgong on msn tt long bef..
this sh guy fren have been fb msging me instead of commenting on my statuses straight..
all the way from tt period of time,those emo posts..
he asked why i was so emo,what happened..
and aft tt period..smtimes he comments,but mostly always msg..
and ytd again,i posted and he msgeg why so late still not slping..
got my email,and ended up chatting till morn..

this seems wrong..
i dun wan to step over the line again..
like i did tt time,w tt ahgong..
if i were determined enough..
and didnt admit about tt dream,didnt take tt step forward..
let it cont and just be a dream i dreamt of,tt i wanted so much..
then maybe the nightmare wouldnt have happened..
and i wouldnt have hurt myself..
i wouldnt have got myself into such a crazy mess..

i'll not have tt courage anymore..
tt ahgong stepped on it,destroyed it all,crushed my dreams..
of believing..in anything,everything..


sotong gathering on wed..
since sotong sy missed out the last gathering when wh told us about getting attached..
so obviously gossipy sy finally gt to ask wh about it..
aft ahma told her the other time tt she missed out juicy news..
sotong wh just broke up w the guy,who is also our jc classmate..
and also sy sec classmate..

they were tgt like 3yrs+..
still rmb tt time when we got to know about it,everybody was rly shocked..
tt time when we all went back ny to watch baiyungang performance..
sotong wh said she'll be bringing him..
and bef meeting him,she told us about what tt guy did..
and we all didnt expected it to be him,our classmate!
rmb we were totally shocked to see them coming tgt..and we were outside lt..
they went in,the rest of the class saw,and we heard screams of shock from inside!
yar,totally shocked and they seemed so good tgt..
sotongs were still saying waiting for their wedding..and wh will have 7 sotongs jiemeis..and of course will make it diff for him,our fren too..
but now..after 3 yrs+..
and the prob persisted throughout,wh said..
but he didnt change..

and now,just about 2 mths+,she's w this new guy..
her close fren in her other clique,or brother she felt..
she nv knew about his feelings all along..until she broke,then he told her..
and the 2 guys knew each other somehow..
so its so 'crazy'..and when wh posted her status on fb..
obviously,her ex wasnt happy..and posted bad stuff too..

i know how he feels..
its almost about the same as what i went through..
just maybe so much more simpler,and rly innocent stuff..
but the fact is,she got into another rs,just too fast..
someone who she just regarded as a close fren,her bro and no feelings then..
not saying its wrong or wad,its her rs,and its up to sotong to decide..
just feel bad for tt guy..
the time they were tgt wasnt short..
and she ended it,and got over it so fast smhw?and be w someone else..
yes,i guess if anyone were in her shoes,they would have accepted the guy too..
bec of all the things he crazily did..

just dun rly like to hear and imagine hw pain it'll be for tt guy..
cux i'll be reminded of mine..how bad it was..and up till now it still is..
wh wouldnt know..how much pain she put him through..
she was still saying about how he keep posting on fb now talking about his outings,his happening life..to 'show' her smhw..
and wh gave tt irritated look..
but i guess she rly dunno how he feel..
it's rly crazy..
yes,it was tt guy's fault smhw..but the least she could do..
was maybe hide it from him for awhile more..till he's quite ok already..

and then wh suddenly talk about him,the last him..
saying didnt know he's attached..
and ahma said,it was v long ago le ah..
i knew long time ago,bec he was the one who told me..
and since then,i never talked to him,or see him face to face,even though he comes over to give my bro tuition up till now..
yes,not all sotongs know about tt him n me,only ahma know abit..
or maybe they all suspected..but no one rly knew what exactly happen..
tt's how pathetic and bad it was..
but whenever they say about him,i still feel tt awkwardness..
they'll just talk about him,but i wont say anything,just keep quiet and acting like nth's wrg..
and they cont talking about him,i just pretended cant rly hear..
xh was rly concerned tt time about tt ahgong n me..and we exchaged glances,and i just looked away quickly..
i didnt want them to know,tt i haven forget about tt ahgong and leave it behind..
don't want them to know,tt i still think of tt ahgong and miss him..
don't want them to know,tt scar is so deep,it's not recovered..

tt trauma..tt fear..
make me hate to listen to rs stuff..
even kengx have been telling me about her n this guy..
and i still had to give her advice smhw,happily..
listening and smiling..
i rly hated to hear all these..
but they're all my frens..and i have to face it..
i just could only,hear it,smile,joking,and hide the crazy pain inside..
and pretend,i'm ok,since long ago..
how hard it is..how crazy..
they all dont know..
but just wishing tt it'll turn out good for them..
and i guess no one will be so 'unlucky' like me,to get in such a mess..
when all tt ahpoh wanted was just so simple..but she got into such a great mess..
messing up her life..
why is it so easy and simple for others..just like wh..
why did i let myself get hurt..


had free tics for voyage de la vie..
and sy wanted to watch..
so i had to go watch it again..
brought her guy fren along..and i just tried to shun smhw..
didnt rly want to intro or talk..
even when we talk,dun rly want to look him in the face..
so scared smhw already..

aft tt,alcoholic sy suggested go find ahma at work,alleybar..
and ahma's expression was super funny when sy popped right infront of her at the counter..
so we drank..
and sy suddenly asked..
so how are u and tt guy..
did he leave already..
i was stunned for awhile..
and ans what can happen btw us..
he left long ago ah..
laughing it out..

pretending,dont want her to know i haven fully recover..
pretending it doesnt matter anymore..
when i still look through the pics in my phone..
esp our first pic tgt..
silly silly silly..


http://eclipse.slooh.com/

was trying to look out for the red moon..
only saw the round round moon just now..
and its surrounding a little orange,red??
then went out to see again,the moon disappeared..
the sky was red,bec it was going to rain..
cant see the red moon..only through that web..
so cool to see the changes of the moon on the web..live still..

amazing universe..moon..stars esp..


'Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,the things you are,the things you never want to lose.'

tt day went w mum and aunt to guai yin temple..
and again..
like the last time i was there..and tt time in bkk at the four face buddha..
i cant forget but actually pray and wished everything to be well for tt ahgong over there..
not just for my family,but for him also..
and i feel so dumb,so so dumb..
it feels like doing a 'bad thing'..
like why care and still pray and wish tt everything's well for someone tt 'killed me'..
smhw like helping a criminal..

even though everything's against him..
deep inside,i still want to believe in tt ahgong somehow,wishing my belief isnt wrong..
tt he cant be so bad..tt he couldnt have changed so much..

was watching bones,and one of the main characters,booth said..
'people dont really change..we like to believe they do,but they don't..'

all these times,i've been thinking bad of him,to try and convince and get myself to hate tt ahgong,and forget him..
thinking that he rly changed,he isnt tt ahgong i got to know anymore..
but it's so hard..tt 'good ahgong' always came back in my mind..
and i just have to lie to myself,tt he's rly bad rly bad..to make it easier for myself..

but the thing is,is it rly tt easy for someone to change so much in such a short time..
personality,a person's character,nature don't just change like this..
it's developed over time..and needs time to change as well..like evolving smhw..
isnt it like a habit..
we dont nurture a habit overnight,or get rid of it overnight..
or maybe inside him,the real him is the 'bad him',that she saw..
not tt good ahgong that i was with,tt i saw..
so then,was it all his pretence..such good pretence??for what??
if he could be the way he was when he was w me..
then isnt it like what auntie vic said..
his ben xing/nature is not bad..??

such ironies and contradictions that i can never understand..


just cant help it..
but still always wonder how's tt ahgong doing,did he get sick again,is he taking good care of himself..
esp now,its winter over there..and tt ahgong's so scared of cold..
tt time when we were tgt,silly me even thought i could learn knitting from aunt and make a scarf for tt ahgong..
thinking tt i wont be w him,to cover him w my jacket like the 2 times in cinema..
so silly..
now i can just think if he's wearing enough..and not catch a cold..


aft tt first time he got sick over there..
was so worried..
but i couldnt talk to him,and i guess he wont reply..
he'll only call and talk to her when he's troubled,stressed,or what..
the only thing i could do,was thinking so hard,then deciding to be 'thick skinned' to send a msg to his roomie..
asking him a favour to 'help me' take care of him,or look out more for him,since he always get sick so easily..
telling him tt ahgong likes ice cream,always easily stressed,emo,slp late..
and of cux telling him not to tell tt ahgong tt i sent him tt msg..

at first he said he was so worried when he saw tt ahgong sick,and got me more worried..
then he told me tt ahgong was better already,and said he could tell if he's ok,saying he'll joke and smile..
and it was so nice to hear about it..
and made me feel better knowing tt someone's there to look out for him..


silly me..but that was the only one thing i could do..


watched the movie love in disguise by wang leehom on scv ytd..
and one of the soundtrack for the movie is the song 你不知道的事..
a very nice and touching song,beautiful lyrics..had stars in it too..
and always liked songs w piano playing..
rmb last year auntie vic watched the show and asked me to listen to the song..
i did..and got 'addicted' and kept listening to it then..

and one time i esp rmb,i was listening to it..
and tt ahgong called..and asked what i was doing..told him was listening to tt song..
but i guess he didnt rly catch the song name..
dunno why but i just remembered tt moment he called when i was listening to tt song..
and i rmb i muted the vol and talk to him..then turn it on again,softer..
cant rly rmb wad we talked tt particular time..
just rmb the song and rmb was chatting w fren online for awhile at the same time..
so it was like we werent rly talking much..
just like simply holding on to the ph..so simple..but happy..
then i think he started playing his guitar and singing..

at tt time..i heard the song..i didnt rly listen real hard to the lyrics of the song and the meaning of it..
but after all the bad things happened..i listened it again..
and i wished the lyrics could be saying,explaining about what tt ahgong was doing..
对不起 我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨
碎了满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里

somehow it did sound abit like what tt ahgong did..
sending auntie vic tt msg about how bad he had hurt me,deliberately..
so tt i'll forget him..
told auntie vic,but didnt want her to show me,didnt want me to know..
just let me be,even though he knew how much pain i was..
asking auntie vic to take care of me real well..
and he'll never turn back..
狠下心..were the exact words i once told him..
tt if he decided not to try..i'll 狠下心 and forget him..
but he knew i wouldnt be able to do it..
and he turned around to be the one to 狠下心 and do this to me,'help' me forget him..
i hated it..really hated..

'你不知道我为什么狠下心..'
i really wished there was some reason,some other reasons behind everything..
to explain why that ahgong can cruelly do this,all these,and become such a completely different person in such a short time..
but i always told myself it wasnt possible..
what other reasons can there be..
it was only about her..
it's so disgusting to think further..
i really dont know..

and esp tt time..can never forget what jean told me..had such a great impact on me..
'I know.u always believed that he was a good guy esp because you know his past and everything. but maybe because he's a good guy,so he wants to protect u because he likes u.maybe that's why he's doing this.sometimes when u like a person,you'll do things that you think is protecting the person but you won't really think like whether or not the person wants to be protected,right?'

how much i wished the song and what jean said could be true to a certain extent..
but i guess i'll never know..not even the truth..


aft tt show,watched 2012..
rmb watching it w cousins..but still it was nice to watch again..
and with so many predictions recently about when the world will end..
made the movie seemed 'scarier'..
and last week out w family and cousins..
forgot what we talked..ended up talking about end of world..
and my cousins believed about the 2012 prediction..
the world ending on 21/12/12..
one of my cousin bday,and her sis was still joking bout her bday being end of the world..
they were saying why cant we cfm if tt rly is the end of the world,and we can do things we like to do,dont need study,etc..

and i did think about what if the world was ending..
what would we like to do..
i would want to go travelling around to the places i havent been..
spend time w family..so many things to do..
i like kids so much..
and one pity is tt i wont get to have any children of my own,watch them grow up,teaching them things,wont have my own family..
but we rly wont know,or predict when's the world ending..
so we still have to cont living our norm lives..
but if the world is rly going to end next year end,like maybe sudden major earthquakes,floods..


i sillyly,foolishly thought..if tt day come..and before i die..
i would want to try calling that ahgong,and hear him for the last time,and calling him ahgong for the last time..
and maybe hear 'ahpoh' the last time..and tell him all the things i want to say..



王力宏 - 你不知道的事

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛 才学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星 但几颗会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 还听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨
碎了满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事

我飞行 但你坠落之际
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨
碎了满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事


f1 race in canada just ended!
the longest,latest race..
started at 1am and ended at 5 becux of the 2 hr rain!
and dad had to stay up with us till it ends bef he can slp in his living room!
patiently watched w bro n me..and he was amazed to see the speed went up to 300+km per hr..

and my poor vettel started the race at pole position again..
was leading the race throughout despite the poor conditions..
but turned,late on breaks and slide at one wet corner,and gave away his first position right at the last part of the last lap!!
omg..and gave it just like that so easily to button!!!
if not for the rain and the wet track he wont have slided there and give away his place like that..
that was the first big mistake from him for this whole season!
such a pity..he worked the whole race and someone got his place just like that..
yes,button did a great job too,bec of his accidents and penalty he was last at some point of the race..
and he worked his way through the traffic,great overtaking and strategy to get his first victory of the season..
because of vettel's careless mistake..
and i guess if not for the last accident that made the safety car come out,and all cars had to slow down and line up behind it..
bec of tt,it caused vettel to lose the gap of 10secs tt he carefully opened up bet him and the 2nd car..
if not for tt,button wont have had the chance to catch up with 10+ laps to go..

vettel have always been under alot of pressure since he always started at pole,and others were in hot pursuit..
but he always soak up the pressure and remained calm and collected to finish the race perfectly,almost no mistakes!
but this time..

esp the last race in monte carlo,the last few laps were crazy exciting chasing from the others behind him,closing on him lap aft lap,so close behind him and trying to make a move and overtake him..
but he still managed to keep his cool and drove perfectly..
and the accident that caused the race to stop for awhile gave him chance to change to fresh tires and helped him secure his win esp when all others had fresh tires before the accident and he didnt..
so admirable..
but this time..he made a mistake..
so ke lian..such a pity..
just abit more to the finishing point..
can feel and see his disappointment on his face..
haix..

luckily still,winning 5 out of 7 races..
and 2 second positions..
he's still first in the championship standings..
a large gap of 60 points!

today's race was quite exciting..
bro's idol hamiltion got out quite early bec of the accident..
alonso got out too..2 out the 5 hot contenders were out of this race..
and some unexpected racers popped up in this race vying for the podium spots,other than the usual top 5 contenders..
kobayashi esp..was at second and seemed to be holding on to the position..and get up the podium for the first time..
schumacher too!the 'hero' who won so many races in the past,and was back from retirement..
so many talked about whether was he still able to perform since his younger team mate always seemed to overtake him..
he was in a good postion num 2,and then dropped down to 4th..
and i guess he still is performing,and his great experience showed in his driving today..
massa too..havent rly outperform his teammate alonso this season..
prefer massa to alonso..thought alonso is always so aggresive,trying too hard sometimes to try to overtake..
for the first time this season,both seemed to had a good chance of winning too when they started at 2nd and 3rd postion..esp when alonso was out..massa could have had get a place..
but such a disappointment for them and ferrari!
pity for so many racers today,as they rly had a great chance to get on the podium or be in top 10 to get some points!
and esp,my vettel!his first place..could have been 6 out of 7 wins..

and dad staying up so late was good too..
was shouting for him to help us try catch a cockroach in the room!
but it disappeared..disgusting..hope it wont appear anymore..or climb up our bed..


hols been great so far..packed..
went out w sotong shing last week..
and went w her to visit her grandma..
and also visited auntie vic/physiotherapist neo at work w her stethoscope around her neck like a doc!
guess she's enjoying her job even though its tiring and tough,but the satisfaction she gets from it is so much more than the physical tiredness..

envy her to be able to get such satisfaction,and wondering will i get tt kind of satisfaction in my job next time,what kind of satisfaction..
because satisfaction in a job,will be such great motivation for work..
i rmb i had some sort of satisfaction when working at sh,helping cust solving their prob,explaining to them the things they didnt understand..
and at the end of it,just a simple thank you,and you can hear it from their voice..
that's simple satisfaction from tt job..
and it did gave me motivation to go to work,when i got tired and frustrated of the job and the com system..
and bec of it,somehow made me cont to stay on..
satisfaction and motivation really helps alot..
and i just wonder about what i look for in my future job..
what kind of satisfaction to expect..
as we get nearer and nearer to graduating..


visited shing's grandma..
shing told me about how grandma seem to be fine sometimes,and then sometimes she'll say weird weird things..
like complaining to nurse tt there's a fire,or floods..
she already got to know bout what happened to her 2 sons..
and i guess she's rly strong..dunno what she's thinking inside when she know about it..or does she rly know,understand..

tt day she seemed ok..
when we asked if she ate..
she ans in a funny way..
saying she ate her lunch already,but not dinner..
the nurse heard,and said,it's not dinner time yet,of course won't have dinner ah..
other than tt she seemed ok..din say weird weird stuff..
bought tau huey for her to eat..
and she also ate the jellies i made for shing n vic..
so cute looking at her eat..shing was joking saying she dont have alot teeth left..

and saw those other patients/grandmas there..
as their wards were being cleaned..
the grandmas were all sitting along the corridor waiting..
and they were all rly rly old..
some were rly bad tempered..
and it was funny looking at them..how the nurse fed them food..
some kept wanting this and that..and some refused to eat..
like this ahma,the nurse fed her bread dipped in milo,and she didnt totally bite,so the bread was 'hanging' at her mouth there..
until it was about to break off,then then nurse tried to 'catch it'..
and tt ahma,showed a smile..
and this other ahma..
kept calling ppl walking past..telling them,today's monday..
shing said the last time she was there for one hr,and she called her 10 times,telling her it was monday..
so cute,but rly pity them..

no one was visiting them at tt time..
and i rly wondered if anyone did visit them..
they were all so old,and weak..
were they all still thinking properly..
and it's so ke lian to like just be sitting there,lying there the whole day,waiting for time to pass by just like that..
and i just wonder how will it be like,when we all become so old..
so old and weak until we have to be in the hospital like this..
no one to care for us,and all we can do is just sit and lie there..
waiting for our time to be up..
it's so scary..


then we went to watch kungfu panda 2..
and at some point both of us fell aslp..
for slping so late the previous night..
and shing said,i rly wanted to watch,but my eyes just closed..

didnt rly want to watch..but there werent much choices..
and we wanted to kill time,to wait for auntie vic end work n dinner tgt..
it'll just remind me of tt person bef tt ahgong..
tt time out to celeb my bday,we watched some movie and then saw the adv and was waiting to watch kungfu panda 1..
in the end,so much happened,like always..
but it was nth compared to tt ahgong..
it was before tt ahgong,quite some time ago,and less hurt..
but up till now,i still havent totally forget,sometimes i still think about what happened..
so how long will it take for me to forget tt,and then tt ahgong's..
it is already so hard for tt..
how much harder,longer,will it be for tt ahgong..


and in the movie..
there was a sentence,sth like 'it's about the rest of the story,till the end..'
how many times do we have to tell ourself it's about the rest of the story,if bad things keep happening..
life isnt that long..if we keep saying that..
and simply forget,let go of the bad past..
then wouldnt our life be like 'shorten' so much..
and will the future,really be good..
if all we care is our 'the rest of the story'..


i really wish its good..
i really wish this is the last time that i have to tell,convince myself that it's about the rest of the story,till the end..


10 blue blacks on my legs~~crazy 10!!
plus 5 mosquitoe bites!
so many scar spots here n there,blue blacks plus the super big eczema thingy that forever stays there..
i rly dunno had so many bruises until mum saw and nagged at me..
asking why got so many,say my legs so ugly w all the spots..
and i told her,i didnt even notice,dun even know how i got them..
dumb dumb me..


one year ago..
our first day of work or rather training at starhub..
where the 4 of us met,and became good frens..
one year later..
jean's back for awhile from beijing..
just nice,meeting on this exact mon before jean flies back..
but just the 3 of us..without o..
and shir even 'joked' in a sacarstic way saying why we didnt ask o..
still saying she deleted her contacts,fb..
haix..
why did things become like that..
feel so guilty,sry..

went airport again to send jean off..
and she wanted to cry again..
must be still on the plane now,back to beijing..
her nx short trip back will be in oct,first week of oct..
cant wait for her to be back again..
but i hate oct..
so scared for it to come..
why cant we just go back to one year ago..
where we were working and training happily,having so much fun..
just one year ago..



just have to continue using smiles,laughter to cover it all..
shir was using her big big tab to play games,msg,call,take pics of us..
so big,and we kept laughing at her..holding it like some geomancer..
and using it to take pics is so funny..so big screen..






















"Sometimes it’s easier to pretend things are okay rather than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life.
We hope the comfortable rythyms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable just a little longer. Return things to normal… Anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend, make believe - it might be one thing we never outgrow. "


"To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.
Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome.It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting. It’s learning, experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh,made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, to clear a path, and to set you free. "



i think i'm doing very good now,i'm back to my normal life like before..
but i just need my own space here,where others,friends don't see that me now..
i just need my own space to rant,some place i don't need to hide secrets..
cause they're just seeing smiles..
cause behind the smile is everything no one understands..
i have accepted it..or rather so tired of it all..

this is life,that's why everything's like that..
i cant change it,i can only laugh at it and smile it away..
smile the pain away..


today's 02062011..
it's june already..

talked to jean tt day and talked about when she coming back..
meeting her on 6jun,mon..
and i asked is that the mon last year we started work..our first day in starhub..
and yes,it was,that week,that monday..

and i said how i wished we can just go back to one year ago..tt time..
and she just said 'hugz'..i guess she know what i meant to say to go back to one year ago..
where 4 of us just met..
and i thought why i wanted to go back to one yr ago..
is it because i wished i didnt met tt ahgong,then i won't have had to go through all these pain..
or is it because i would still want to meet tt ahgong,and hoping tt things would have turn out differently,and i definitely would not have done things i did then..

i know i've nv regretted meeting tt ahgong,and i would still choose to meet him again..
and i'm sure i wouldnt be so cowardly..i'm sure i would have been more brave to hold on to tt ahgong tighter..and not let go on day one,to let him to decide..i would have told him right in the face how much i wanted it,and not act like i didnt care..


someone asked me if that ahgong was my first..
and i said you should know there were others..
but tt ahgong did so much in such a short time..
so much so that..i guess he should be tt ahpoh's real first love..
the one the ahpoh like the most,the hardest she find to let go..
the most pain ever..
and also it was the greatest happiness she felt,up till now..


was watching tv with mum..
and she was saying the actor and actress..
the girl was attached..but seems like she actually like the other guy..
mum says the girl and the other guy both like each other..
but the timing was wrong..

and i thought was our timing wrong??is there really such a thing?
why will the timing be wrong..?how does it come into play..
when we should be working everything out ourself..
so what if it was wrong?does it mean our right timing will come one day?will it?
i wish..

tt ahgong even said before..
if we met earlier..he'll choose..
and i always wonder what he rly mean..
does it just mean he didnt got over his last..
and so if we met earlier..
we'll still be tgt..

but aft he said tt..he ended up getting tgt w her..
and at tt pt in time when he said tt,the girl say they already had sth..
so why did he say that..how did he say that..

was our timing really wrong..
because he decided tt he didnt want anything serious yet at tt point in time..
tts why he still bothered to msg auntie vic after he deliberately talked so badly to me,and asked her to help him take care of me..
but why,all these time,he didnt even try and ask how am i doing,or talk to me..
nth at all..is he rly so hen xin..to want me to rly forget him..aft capturing my heart like this..and leave me behind..
when i was the one to say that i will be hen xin and forget..
how can tt ahgong turn ard and be so hen xin to tt ahpoh..
i just dont know what was he thinking when he said that..
if we met earlier..
such a great big liar??i always try to tell myself..

so does it mean the timing is just wrong and our chance is just gone..forever..
and fate letting us meet was just a dumb thing..
because it made us meet,and made that ahgong so impt and mean so much to me..
but in the end,it made us walk away from each other,not even letting us be tgt for a longer time..
so short,but sweet..
should i feel lucky that it was so sweet so happy so shortlived like a rainbow,snowflakes..
ephemeral..
but then there's this big part of questionable truth,this 'dirty truth',left behind on this sweetest part of my life yet..


or will there come a time,where the timing will be right for us..
it won't..

because 'how much i wanted to believe if fate wanted us to meet at this wrong time,it'll bring us tgt somehow somewhere,even if it were to take 4 yrs to get there.'

and i cant believe in anything,anymore..

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