cathay cinema.just go with it.
whole day out w auntie vic.
and now to chiong all the way for prelims.till late nights like this.

lunch.movie.planning for her post cambo excursion.shop.dinner.
gluttonny day..
exact same amt,57.70 for this dinner and our last jap dinner..
and ytd sotong dinner was 57 too..
ytd sotong dinner at buangkok..
first time there..
and i thought of how that ahgong got lost there,before meeting me tt time..
blur ahgong still had to use gps and dun even noe how to spell..spelt it as bung kok..


that ahgong is sick again.and i'm so worried for someone everybody thinks is not worth it..
what am i doing..
the last 3 times i was there w u somehow..but now i cant do anything??
and i shouldnt be worrying for that ahgong in the first place..he should have been long gone..
but i just cant help it..
tt ahgong is forever getting sick..
tt ahgong who got mc twice just within 2 weeks..
and the last time u were sick..u looked so bad,still lost 5kg..
all those times u were sick,i was there with you somehow..

the first time when we werent tt close yet..u gt mc,didnt go to work..
but o asked u out,and we all still went movies..
and i still teased u,why sick can still go out..
u were sick and wanted lemon bitters soda,but they gave u victorian bitter beer..
sick still hanged out till late and drove me home..
and still carried my bag and showed me that gay catwalk..

the second time when i went back office..
they all wanted order koi,wanted order for u,o said ur stomach nt feeling well..dont give u drink..
and the next day,u rly gt sick,left work halfway to go see doc and go home..
wanted dabao for u..but u said dun go all the way..
sick but still pei me talk on phone on bus,mrt..
sick but still dun wan rest,ask to promise to talk again at night..
and when late le i didnt msg or call..that ahgong msg and ask if i sleep le..and we still talked..

the next day still mc..
complain about staying home w mc on sun..
want eat ice cream..too long without ice cream..
want go coffee bean,dont like stay home..ask me go,say why i stay so far..
still say gt f1 then very few ppl de..
and that ahpoh nagged..
and that ahgong went home aft dinner w family..
still say v guai,listen to me..then still say i naggy..
say medicine not nice to eat..like a small kid..
msg whole day..till night and again waiting to talk..
hang up le..still dun wan slp..still msg..
until that ahgong say can feel the drowsy effect le..

the third time..
was at ahgong house..
dabao for him..
and saw how weak he looked..
and how he went to weigh and lost 5kg..
so much medicine..and i nagged and ask him to rmb to eat..


all those times..so many times u were sick in such a short time..
that ahpoh was w that ahgong,to remind him to eat medicine..
ask him rest more..dun eat ice cream,dun order macs in the middle of the night,etc..
to just nag at the ahgong..pei him talk on the ph..
and even though the ahgong said ahpoh was naggy..
he still listened..
and i could check on him..msg him and ask or wad..ask him not to eat oily food..
but now..what can i do..
and i cant help but to worry so much..
esp when he's alone overseas..
so worried..
esp when he always get sick so easily..
that ahgong who said i dunno hw to take care of myself..
but end up is him..who's always sick..

why cant it be like last time..
and i can talk to him and see how is he..

i hate this feeling..of worrying and not knowing..??

yes..
my memory is so good..
not for everything..
just because it's between that ahgong and ahpoh..
because it really meant so much to that ahpoh..


I'm moving on!!
This is the only place left where i can not be my 'normal self',can not be that me infront of friends,now..
where i can not be so tired from that facade,still..
and you have to scold me for being childish??

that me,that i find it so fake day after day..faking,smiling more and more..
because i know i need a longer time..
that strong looking me infront of friends,isnt that strong at all..
esp going through silly things time aft time..
and this time is the craziest,how everything all turns out,and because i guess i like that ahgong too much le..
even though i'm slowly back to leading my used to be life,my normal life,without that ahgong..
i know it'll be inside still,that ahgong will still be inside still..how i wish tt ahpoh is too..
just like what i told her,it isnt really about not moving on,but rather missing that ahgong so much,those days,so much happy moments we spent tgt..
so short,but it was the best,sweetest time i've been through,yet,treasuring so much,and that ahgong wont know..
it's just about the thought of cant let that ahgong go,and disappear from my life forever..
each and every moments i still rmb so clearly..

and that girl telling me things,talking..
i cant believe how we end up msging..
aft tt day she pass me the book..
how she said i lost alot weight..
and i said thanks to tt ahgong..?and her maybe?
dunno how we ended up discussing whether she should go aust study or in spore..
how she got so angry and scolding tt ahgong like crazy,scolding all sorts of stuff..
and said she wanted go over there for revenge on tt ahgong,or even ask someone go murder him..omg..

i even told her not to choose aust just becux u want to 'seek revenge'..
still told her there are so many things to consider..
talking as though we're like bff like what my friends are saying,laughing at it..
when we're supposed to be 'enemies/rivals'??
or rather i shd be hating her,but how do i manage to talk to her still??
that day she said she was so pissed when she talked to him..
because of what tt ahgong said of her..
she still said she rly wanted to suicide..
saying how she cant see the light at the end of the tunnel,her sch,and everything is screwed..
and that ahgong made her even more angry..
i was so scared..and was replying so quickly to ask her not to think of suicide..
comforting her somehow,saying since she say how tt ahgong's not worth..
then why do such a thing..it's not the end..telling her about the hut story,the smoke signal is out,and hope is coming..
or even,saying maybe tt ahgong was angry too,tts why he said such things..
then how she said tt ahgong sounded so calm..
i dunno..but the things is,just cant believe i can actually go comfort her,and 'counsel' her..
omg..still msg till late..like bff..

at the beginning,still rmb how i first know her in office..
how she just started work and was double banking w my fren,listening to his ph calls,beside me..
tt day,there was some buffet,and my fren and i heard about it,but cant go down to get those food..
and she offered to go take for us..
then aft tt,rmb seeing her ard,in toilet,and still asked her how's work..how she smhw nt used?
and i rmb telling her,aft some time it'll be ok..
we werent tt close..
jean and o were closer to her..
then rmb it was at the macs party,we talked more..jean,o and us were talking..
then i thought she seem quite nice,would be a good fren,can go out more and stuff..
little did i know that she'll end up doing all these to me and smhw hurt me so much..

even though she say it's tt ahgong tt went crazily after her,and she rejected him alot times..
because she said she didnt feel special,becux she saw how tt ahgong treated me and was envious of me,she said.
bt becux of how tt ahgong ended up like begging her,she thought he was rly serious,tt's why she accepted it..
she said she like the other guy also,but because tt ahgong was better playing at field..thats why she chose him..
how she told me she didnt listen to voices in her head,becux making the wrong choice,seem more exciting??omg..
by right she isnt in any wrong??since it was tt ahgong aft her?


but up till now,none of my friends believe her story,her whole story,and her even getting pregnant??
i'm the only one to believe her story!!

and i keep asking my friends why they dont believe..
i say it's so real,sound so true..but they all find it so ridiculous..
yes, trust needs to be earned not given just like that..to someone like her..
i haven't know her long enough to give her so much trust and believe her so much..
but the way she told me her story,everything and everything sounds so true..
and she rly sound so sincere..
or is she too'kind',trying too hard,my friends say..
if it's not true,how does she come up with such a big and crazy story??
yes,there are loopholes in btw,we think..
but it all sounds too true..


they all want me to ask that ahgong,cause they just dont believe her story..want me to see the real her??
want me to ask about whether it is true about her getting pregnant??
and all so curious about his ans..
and i asked,what am i supposed to ask..how am i to ask it,how am i to cfm her story??
i said,that ahgong would just answer,yes,he thought he was going to be a father at sm point in time??
omg.i cant imagine,i don't want to see what that ahgong will answer.


i believe her story.
thats it i guess??

funny,if i believe her story..
just like what she wanted me to do,i should be hating that ahgong,and see how tt ahgong is rly like..
but i'm not doing it..or rather cant..
cause i didnt see it,and i don't want to see it, or know it..
i just believe that ahgong i saw..
and accept that we both saw different him..

and i guess i should be happy i saw a better him??
how he seem to treat me better??
how she said,what he did to her,treated her were all very material,superficial??
all the little little sweet things the ahgong did to me,she said he didnt do..
they never always talk late on ph..he always fall alsp?nv talk on her way home..?
so many things she said he didnt do,and she envied so much..

that him she was with wasnt so sweet,so gentle,so attentive and thoughtful,just so material,she said.
still said she didnt feel magical when she was his gf,how he talk to her like a friend,just felt like she was his friend..
that's why she said she know they cant be lovers..
said maybe because she was playing the field too,didnt want a rs,tts why tt ahgong wanted her??
i really wonder,if tt ahgong rly didnt treat her well..why didnt he,when he wanted her so much..crazily aft her??
is it true,because when there got into in a rs,so things change??so quickly?
so should i be happy,should i treasure and just move on with all those sweet memories we had..


i don't know how we talked..talked so much..
until she was telling me,how at the macs party,he kept looking at me..
esp when the girls were like sitting close tgt,talking about the apple diet..
she just happen to turn and glance at another fren,and she 'spotted' that ahong looking at me..
i don't know,because i didnt see him looking when we were talking..
i only know that ahgong heard what we were talking about,because i rmb him nagging me..
saying don't think i didnt hear about the apple diet u all were saying,asking me not to do it..
i know,we did exchange glances,and looked at each other,but not then..
rmb how i went toilet and back,and they started singing the bday song already..
was standing outside the sitting area,and ahgong was right inside there,so far behind..
i rmb how we looked at each other,and smiled,when we were all singing bday song..
that was how sweet it was,esp when others didnt rly know,we can only exchange glances,and msg beside each other..

She still said he had family problems tt day but still didnt go home??
Waiting for me and left w me..even though we took diff cabs..
I said i dunno..is it..he didnt say anything about home..how u noe..


rmb met ahgong and another fren to take mrt there tgt..
it was quite awkward,esp when tt ahgong was asking before it whether i was angry,thought i was angry..
on the train,we didnt talk much,or smhw acting not tt close??
but i guess,him telling tt fren whom i wasnt rly close w,tt i'm meeting them to go tgt,shd mean sth,tt's why it was abit awkward..
yar,and we just exchanged those glances,that meant so much,somehow..
i cant believe i actually went through those days,those 'magical moments'??
those moments that up till now i cant forget..


she even asked me what i missed most about him..
i said everything??but i guess,those phone calls,since we spent so much time on it??
those moments esp before putting down the phone,saying goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
those silent moments,just hearing him playing the guitar..
those moments where we talk and laugh about random stuff,that ahgong's cute laughter..
those moments the ahgong ask funny sweet qns like,so u want me to msg u tml morn??and rmb how the nx day,i would smile so much,just thinking of it..
those moments that the ahgong was always so caring,concerned..sch nx day,etc..

rmb how during the working period my throat was so bad..
rmb just started working not long,or rather during ojt..
i woke up totally voiceless,first time..and freaked out..
how am i suppose to work,to talk to cust with no voice..
went to work and fren gave me lots of pi pa gao..
luckily,aft awhile,can speak abit..
and rmb telling my fren if i suddenly become voiceless again,pls help me take over my call..
aft tt time,my throat didnt recover totally,always coughing,and like so much phlegm inside..
and on the ph w tt ahgong,always cough also,smtimes my voice sounded so bad too..
and rmb tt ahgong would always nag at me to ask me go drink water first..
just like tt time,sitting by the stairs,was coughing,and he forced me to drink his water..
i said nvm lar..and he would sound 'angry'..
so i had to walk out,get water..swallow real hard..
because of how tt ahgong wanted to hear the sound of me drinking,swallowing the water..
then he would be happy..
then aft tt,i always had my water bottle w me when i talk to tt ahgong..
yes,that was that ahgong that i like so much..that made me felt so lucky,so special..
that was the ahgong,others thought was so so sweet,after hearing all the little little things he did..
but why did he have to play this joke on me,why didnt i get the chance to treat him well too,like what he did..

why can i only look back now and think of all those sweet memories..
and not looking forward to the long journey we wanted to walk tgt,and think of all the better memories that will come our way..
why must i let go of that ahgong that treated me so nice,then,not the after part..
why must he walk away and escape like this..

up till now,i still dont undstd why they ended..
if he seemed so serious and crazily chasing aft her,and she even went for his family bbq in such a short time..??wanting to meet her parents too?
when tt ahgong told me not to bring our family in first,she gt to meet his so soon??
why becux of pure suffocation,unhappiness,quarreling??
becux he going overseas le,didnt want her to be unhappy?
he shd have thought about it many times le..why back out now..
and even telling her,they wont break if he didnt have to go overseas..
i don't know..that's why i told her,if u rly still like him,u should go talk it out with him,ask him the real reason for the break up..
because of how serious he seemed and how she say maybe it's his mum..
but she said,she didnt want anymore,she felt so silly,so stupid when she begged him tt time,even when she know they are not suitable..
cant believe we talked so much..


how she told me she even went to ask that ahgong if he still like me,miss me..
how tt ahgong even told her about me going to the airport to send him..
she still said he said i didnt ask if he still like me..(would i dare??when tt ahpoh seems to have been gone so long,in his world..)
said he want to think to cfm??
then say he's too tired,busy to think??


what was i supposed to think..to feel??
i just laughed at it..and i told her,ours was so long ago!
what can i do,other than laughing at it all,how it all turn out..
because there was nothing i could do..or should i rly go ask??
hahax.
how much i wished it was true..i don't know..
i guess it's not..
or rather what she said is true,but what that ahgong really feels??
i guess,he just loves his ex too much,still..??
or rather her..but talked to her and spite her??even when she said she know he isnt,he was v calm..


when i asked tt ahgong,does saying/asking matters..
telling him,she told me so much.i guess i shd believe..

and the ahgong said,believe and move on.
i dont know what she said,but what i can say,is i'm a thousand over miles away,and i have a lot to do.pls do take care and be well..

then aft tt i said others heard about what she said,and thought i should ask,hear from him..
then he was like,asking who talked to me??i thought when he said i dont what 'she' said..he shd know who i was saying,tts why he said tt..
and i told him,it's her,and he asked if i had smth to ask him..
and i said i guess i shd just believe what she said,doesnt matter,nth more for me to ask..

'what i can say is that im a thousand over miles away'???
is it because of tt?
is that ahpoh still there somewhere..

i don't know..
so silly.i guess not.


because i'm stupid,childish??
because love is blind.
because i was wrong,to like that ahgong so much,because of how much he did for me..

not about going through it..how i see things and learn from it??
i know what it all means,how to see it,everybody's telling me..to learn,to not be so trusting..so..
i can even tell her all those,comfort her with all those words..
so easy to say..how hard it is actually to do..
so..
should see that this is a lesson that i deserve,because it'll help me grow stronger??
should see that all these was nothing,just silly love,and it shd be a lesson to help me grow up??that it's all part of life??
should see that i was stupid,to like tt ahgong so faithfully,even aft him doing all these to me..??

i'm trying so hard to continue with my normal life,and u dont know how hard it is..
and i guess u shdnt be saying how childish i am..and getting so worked up??
when u don't know how hard i'm working on this..
when u don't know how i'm leading a 'normal' life now,how hard i'm studying..

i just need this place,this secret place of mine.


so funny..
i even met her since she said she bought a book for me,and that reading it will help me..
if not i'll feel bad rejecting her..
I saw her,even was smiling,waving and said hi to her..omg..
and now,we're msging until like we're bff..
omg..
what am i doing..cant believe it..
that i was comforting her somehow..
comforting her,when i was hurt by her somehow?
so dumb..omg.

my life seemed part of a joke,and now am i becoming a joker??
talking to her like that..hahax.
even asking her to go talk it out with him,maybe there's some chance for them still..??
maybe he really have his reasons,maybe it was rly because of his mum not allowing of this rs bec he's going aust?
maybe he really love her so much,he don't want to hurt her??
hahahx.

she was saying want revenge,but i say what's the pt,when u say he's not worth..
why bring yourself to that level..
omg omg omg.
i can only laugh and ask myself what am i doing now..
why are we talking until like close friends,when we werent close to start with..
or were we even considered friends..can i treat her as a friend,still??
hahahx.this is so crazily funny..

vday..
last year's vday was in korea,seeing that sunrise..=(
as usual,vday is bt bday,so always celeb her bday and nt vday..
7 years and counting..and we're all still celebrating our singlehood this year!!
thought could have been with tt ahgong..
how they always say i'll be the first..
but we're back to the same again!
maybe singlehood is the best..

somerset again..this time not just walk past..
but celeb there in tt cafe/bar..
and looking out directly is that 'restaurant street' where we happily walked past tt first time out..
and i even met her at this place..
the place me and tt ahgong were at..
the place where we were so happy still..
that day where it was somehow one of the happiest day..


relative came over to bai nian tdy..
and as usual..always ask the same qns..
got bf??i said no..
shy huh,dont want bring home?i said no..
how i wish was still w tt ahgong,and smhw was hiding it..
so stupid to think..

saw them a few mths ago..
and tdy they said i lost weight..rly lost weight..
they ask if i was jian fei-ing..
i said no..
and i thought of how the past 4 mths was a big torture to me..
that's why and not because i rly want to jian fei..
but because of how i got so sick of eating,so disgusted of eating..
felt so disgusted by what happened,hungry but still no appetite..
and one point,i could eat and think of it,till tears almost came out..
and everything i ate,it didnt stay there..
and i thought i undstd some saying above getting indisgestion,from unhappiness?
less than one meal per day??forcing urself to eat..
that was how bad it is..
that's why..

or maybe i didnt lose weight..
just look super cui..
i don't know..
but now i know how bad it was,how much i've been through..
and i'll never forget..
and i hope this will never happen anymore..
i guess like auntie vicky,because of her experience tt's so similar to mine,bt in terms of friendship..
both of us will end up more doubtful or rather more careful w everything already..
even had deja vu,when w auntie vic ytd,deja vu about how we were talking about this similar thing..
so funny,so coincidental how both of us,bff,have to go thru such thing at almost the same time..
to experience,to grow,to learn tgt,to ask each other..
be there for each other..
that's what friends are for..


i think i'm crazy..from this crazy thing..or will be crazy soon if this still continues..
so funny how i'm actually asking the girl to go try it out some more since she says she was serious and love him..
and how she said he was also,saying how he said he miss her,love her,will not break if he didnt go aust..
but she thought he's crapping..
so funny,how i'm actually asking someone else to go after that ahgong that i like..
so funny,how i'm actually asking this girl tt somehow hurt me so much,'betray' me,to go after tt ahgong..
so funny..
she was the one who was asking if i still like tt ahgong..asking if i did,maybe i shd cont and 'jio' and maybe tt ahgong will be touched somehow..
but why should i when she's saying hw tt ahgong's telling her they arent going separate ways and stuff..
why should i,when tt ahgong likes her,or rather love..and not tt ahpoh anymore..?or maybe never..

what am i doing..
am i too nice,too crazy or pure stupid??hahax.
cant believe i'm actually asking her to do that,when i still like tt ahgong..
since she loves him..since tt ahgong loves her..
but she just cant trust tt ahgong anymore..and its not possible anymore,she said.
or is it true,that the ahgong still love,cant forget tt ex..
so complicated..



and yes what's the point in knowing the truth,others say..
and i did thought so too..

but it does matter somehow..

because i wish tt i can get to know the truth..
the truth that i'm right..that the ahgong cant be like this..
that i was right in believing so much in tt ahgong..
and that auntie vic is right too..
she believe in him so much,sooooo much..
until i find it amazing,when she don't rly know him,but only talk to him that once and only hear frm me about him..
but she said she believe her sixth sense..
and i said it may be wrg..
even when i'm doubting that ahgong because of how true her story is..
auntie vic still trust,believe him so much..
saying its too extreme le..
i really dont know..

because i've always carried that little hope inside me..
because right from the beginning,i've rly wanted to wait,and still actually go apply for the uni..
had been regretting so much,for not going aust then and chose sim..
then this time i thought how nice it would be..it i could 'fulfill' tt dream and tgt w tt ahgong..
how nice it would be..
but i guess i was too silly..

because i don't want to move on with those sweet memories,that i thought it was true..
and now it all have to seem so fake..
maybe it was true..but i rly dont know..

that's why somehow it does matter..


but what if,it all was true..
and all those sweet memories,will just become my worst nightmare..
and i cant even look back and smile and be happy at how sweet it was..

auntie vic saw what i was talking to her about..
read about the things he did..
and said he was really sweet,really sweet..if it was true..
tt's why i told her,now u should know why it was so hard for me to let go,to forget..
cause he was so nice,did so much,and esp when i didnt do much for him..
or rather wanted to,thought so much of what to do,but havent got to,won't get to do..

auntie vic still said,don't think he's playing w u,maybe her,but nt u..
but i rly don't know..he didnt seem like playing w her also,he even seemed more serious w her??
she just believe him so much!!so funny..

yes, i do believe the him that i saw was the real him,too..
but it's just tt her story is too real..to not believe it..
yes i smhw cant accept still,but i smhw believe..

and i even pity her..from how she said he treated her..
because that bad side i never saw from tt ahgong..maybe i wasnt as hurt as her..?
but i still thought,they've done too much to me..
and hurt me too much..her hurt cant be more than mine..
she didnt know how bad,how crazy it was for me..he didnt know also..
so how can i even pity her,even when she's had to do w hurting me too..??

but yes,i still pity her..feel bad..
when i didnt do anything wrong..
haha.i'm laughing at how silly i am..


but..
i believe her story??and i believe the him that i saw??
i'm so contradicting..
bt then,there must be a reason behind everything..
there must be a reason why he treated us so differently??


so,the qns is,to know or not to know..
to ask or not to ask..

maybe ignorance is bliss?
know less is better?
but i don't think i'm knowing any less now..


and tt ahgong posted stuff,seems to be related..
too coincidental already,and the things he say are too 'similar'..


'Ask them lesser questions and will get lesser answers.
But why ask more, when less is more?
guess what's more is when you stop asking anymore.
Sorry; ya i guess i understand your predicament.
but i guess; saying/asking matters. its cold. its freezing cold.'


'Ya but still we all wait; but how would it be for me to read the unreadable;
said tell me; cuz thoughts aren't words on paper.
But still get well; and I do hope he will be well too.
I've been praying; and hope some faith helps.'


if it's about this,then i didnt know he was still concerned,i didnt know he would still bother to see..
since he shd just be worried about her or tt ex..
maybe he wasnt saying about this..
maybe i'm still silly as always..


i'm so tired..

right from the beginning..it all started with 'was it just a dream'..
because of that status,that's why tt ahgong commented,'probe and pursued' and smhw things started to change..

until now,things have been added on and on,and seems like it's never ending..
it's really so crazy,so ridiculous until i ask myself,was it just a dream..
if not how can my life become like this..
i've never thought or imagine that one day,such crazy things will happen to me..
i've never thought of how this world can be so complicated,just plain crazy.
other than the word crazy,i really don't know what word to use..

if only it was all just a dream..
a sweet dream..

i'm feeling so bad towards o..
but i really dont know what to do..
hearing how jean actually conferenced call w her and rox..
to 'clear' things up..
how she actually gt so angry and hung up on them so many times..
i felt so bad..
because i know jean blamed her alot..and wasnt happy with her,not just about this rs issue but also about her character,towards her..
but i always told jean not to blame o,because i know she always call me to want to check on me,concern me,even when i already told her i didnt feel like talking,but she still called..
but yes,it's jean's personality to get angry..
and she was still so angry w her and talked it all out with her tt day..
and before tt i already couldnt face o because of the rs issue..
because i felt so 'dumb' infront of her,to step in deeper into the rs when she already warned me..
now,i feel even worse..
i rly feel so sry..not that i did anything wrong..
but i rly don't know..
i only know,she meant well all along,just tt maybe she didnt rly do it the correct way..
and said things she thought wouldnt imply anything about them,about what exactly happen,but it actually did..
i know she didnt mean it..it was all out of concern..
but i nv blame her,i just cant face her..

and i'm thankful to her..
if not for her who started 'matchmaking' me and tt dumbdumb ahgong..
we wouldnt have gone out,and those memorable outings,and sort of started and be tgt smhw,for a short time..
i wouldnt have been his ahpoh..and he wouldnt have been my ahgong..
and i wouldnt have had such a happiest time of my life..and so much sweet memories..

tt time,i rmb she told me how she was asking tt ahgong if he was a little interested in me and stuff..
and tt ahgong told her yes..and also talked about the long dist issue..
and i kept asking are u lying,or he was talking crap..
that's why she started trying to 'matchmake' us,creating chances and making us go out and stuff..
and one time she said,how tt ahgong was actually happily showing her his call summary of calling me..tt time,when he called me in the middle of the night,and talk tt first time..

yes,if not for o,we wouldnt have been tgt..
and i rly thank her so much..
even though now,everything is so out of control,so crazy..

and sometimes i wonder,if o didnt tell me those stuff and didnt say i shouldnt let others know that i know or what,would things have been different..

if i chose not to protect them,but myself..and be selfish tt once..
and told tt ahgong everything,which would explain how i felt,how and why i was so quiet about it,because i couldnt come up with any explaination and so kept quiet and acted nth happened..because i thought if there was rly anything,like what o thinks he's doing,then he would have said..
if i did all that then maybe the ahgong wouldnt think that i wasnt able to tell him stuff..and think tt things wont work out because of how i always dont tell him stuff..

then maybe things would be so much different now..
and the past 4 months would still have been the happiest part of my life..
and not such a torture,a nightmare..

all that have happened,that i've heard is just making me laugh..because of how funny,how ridiculous it is..
yes,i'm laughing and laughing at it..
if only i can just so easily laugh it all away,and feel better just like that..
but when i stop and pause awhile,then i don't find it funny anymore,somehow..

but instead i believed it so much..that's why it's not funny..
i just found it hard to believe,refuse to believe,chose not to believe what i heard..

is it better for me to believe what i saw rather than what i heard??
or maybe,it really doesnt matter anymore..??
even when i still like that ahgong,still miss that ahgong..
because deep inside,i can only remember that ahgong that i knew..and not what others say of him to be..and hoping that all those is not true..
that's why i still like him and not hate him..

why am i so dumb,so silly..
when everybody's telling me its so clear,how much he's not worth at all,now..
why..
when they all thought he was so nice,so sweet,so serious,so worthy,at the start..
why.


on that day the ahgong leaves..
i was already feeling so bad..
because of how it all felt the same like last time..

my mum was still saying me why i went all the way to send..
she didnt know who i was sending..didnt how impt he was..
if she knew it was the him i always talked to,the'mmm mmm' she nicknamed him..
what would she have said..
my aunt also asked..who i was sending..
and not knowing that it was the him..
how she asked if i had a bf,on our 2nd day..
didnt noe i was sending tt 'bf'..without him knowing..
or rather didnt want him to know..

i already felt so bad..
so bu she de,cant bear so much..

then,i have to hear so much..
until i almost couldnt take it..
was so tired..mentally..
already didnt slp the previous night..
and ended up dont even know if i rly slept tt 2 hrs..
because my whole brain had all those things inside..
my brain was like processing it all..
until i almost didnt slp..


and the whole day i barely ate one full meal..
until i could feel i couldnt see clearly..
was already having a cough,and now coughing until i felt like vomitting..
not enough slp,no feel for food..
why torture me like that time after time..
i won't be able to hang on for so long..
won't be able to survive time after time..

no matter how much i thought..
i still cant figure it out..
even after all the things she told me..
it was so crazy..
the him we both knew..
were total opposites..
how he treated her and how he treated me was so different..
i don't know why.don't understand..

it's like he had a split personality or what..
that's why i find it so hard to believe..
and the him that i know,cant be like what she said..
it's so funny..
how can one be so much different..changed so much in such a short time?
or maybe he didnt change..
one side of it must be true..
so which side of him was true??
the him i know,or the him she know..

and i wonder and wonder..
when did my life started becoming so 'exciting'..
so crazy..
until it all seemed more and more like a joke to me..
it's all so drama..
so funny..it seems more exciting than those dramas..

it was supposed to be so simple..
why did it all become to be so crazy..even after so long..
it seems like things are unfolding slowly..
getting more and more exciting..
and i guess this should already be the climax already..

but the problem is..
i don't know what to do..
i've been thrown of time after time..
after trying so hard to sort my thoughts out..want to move on..
then something happens..
and then now,it happened again..
and this is really the climax of it all..

i really dont know..
i've been believing him all the way..
right from the beginning,when i heard all those stuff..
i just gave him the benefit of doubt and didnt ask him about it..
he explained and i believed..
because i thought i really know him..


but now,she's telling me a total different him..
totally different..opposite..
like the north and south pole..
omg..this is driving me crazy..
why don't just kill me straight..
and i wouldnt have to been bothered and tortured by all these so much..

when did my simple life become like this..

what am i supposed to do??
to believe the him that i know of..
or to believe the him that she know of..
to believe in what i saw or believe in what i heard..

i need answers..
and i cant get them..


8feb'11..
that ahgong must be on that plane..halfway to melbourne..
is this the last time i see that ahgong..
it was supposed to be..
but how much i hope it wont be..

they all wanted me to go,to get that closure..
but does seeing him just ends everything..
he didnt explain or say anything still..
i thought i was already slowly letting go..
i thought this could be closure..
but after that call..
i thought all my hard work was gone..
tt ahgong melted it all,again..
i don't know why..

last year,this tues,we should be on the plane too,to korea..
and one year later,i never expected myself to be at the airport sending that ahgong..
and crying so badly..first time crying sending someone off..
he didnt see..

thought and thought about this day..
i thought i shouldnt be going and send him off..
i wont know his flight details and stuff..
and he wont want me to do it also..and maybe won't want to see me..
and who would be like me so crazy,to go send someone off like this..
someone who hurt me so much..
but i just couldnt bear..
i was just so silly..

i thought and thought if i should go..
i asked jean..
she also said it should be closure for me,and should forget him after that,slowly let go..
i thought slowly let go,maybe,yes..
but it's so hard..
and forget about him is even harder,impossible..
she asked if i miss him..
and i said,yes,i miss so much,really so much..

i thought and thought..
and i decided to just go..
cause i really miss that ahgong so much..
don't want to regret not going..
just wanted to see him one more time..
and i just went and tried my luck..
i thought it should all be predestined..
whether or not i get to see him..

t1 had more flights..so we went there..
i was really scared..really shaking..my face was so hot..
because i just wanted to see that ahgong,i didnt want him to see me,didnt want him to know i went..
i wanted to leave..jean dragged me and i was almost hiding behind her..
so scared..
walked and walked ard but didnt see him..
saw those gates closing..and i thought i missed that ahgong already..
wont be able to see him anymore..

and we went to t3..it was even more empty..
and i thought thats it already..
i didnt dare to walk ard anymore and went up the escalator..
and jean went walking ard to see if she could see that ahgong..
i was up there trying to look ard too..but didnt see..
then jean came up and told me she didnt see also..
i was so disappointed..i thought i should have just asked tt ahgong..
i thought he's gone forever le..and that's it..
i wasnt meant to see him anymore..

and then i saw that grp of ppl tt was almost infront of my view right from the beginning..
that ahgong was back facing me..
it was too far and i couldnt see clearly..
but i told jean,those things look so familiar..
i could see those familiar shoes,that black casio watch,that black nike backpack,that familiar shirt,that familiar height and build..
the way he walked,his actions..all so familiar..
i didnt dare to see when he turn over..and asked jean to see..
she couldnt see clearly also..and we took some time before we were sure..

we wanted to leave already..but we ended up noticing them..
just stood there and see..
and i saw his parents,his sister..his sis and mum looked so much alike..
didnt thought of how his parents would looked like..
and i finally saw..
and thought about those strict voices i heard over the phone..the things they said..
those things that the ahgong said they did..
they didnt look like..


and i didnt know when that ahgong saw me..it was so high up..
the past few mths,it seems like tt ahgong's looks changed smhw,maybe because of his hair,him getting sick and losing 5kg tt time,and stuff..

but today..that ahgong looked just like the start where we just knew each other..
looked so much like that day where we first went out..
and all those memories came back..
and i really missed those times so much..
it rly felt the same,like last time..
and how much i wanted time to go back to that sweetest time..

i thought for so long if i should call him and say bye..was shaking holding tt phone..
who would do such a silly thing like what i did,to go see him off,and still call him to just say bye..
i thought maybe he wont pick up..
but i guess because he saw me,that's why he picked up,knowing that i would be able to see..
that moment was so crazy..
i almost freezed,tongue tied and didnt know what to say..
just wanted to ask him to take care and stuff..
and ended up just keep saying bye..
since he was busy going in..
that voice..i hoped i had recorded it down..
that same,familiar voice..
that same way,we used to talk..
i waited for him to hang up,like how he always used to,and i didnt because he always wanted me to hang up first..
and he didnt hang up immediately..
everything all sounded the same,the feeling i felt seemed the same..
but i guess it wasnt the same for him..

the way tt ahgong said hello,and how he said u hide there so long ah..
made me more stunned..
that tone,that voice..it was all so same..
i didnt know he saw..and won't know if i didnt call that he actually saw..
i just didnt want him to know i went..
if i knew earlier that he saw,i would have said bye to him face to face..
i wouldnt have wait till he was giving the passports then called him..

i guess i never regretted going,and was thankful i went..
if not i would have regretted forever,again.


It's morn already.
But i didnt sleep at all.

Those same lessons again as tt day where i was to meet tt ahgong aft sch..
Rmb tt day..we were back hm late frm fren bday the previous day and still talked late..
Had sch the nx day,bt he gt off..tt ahgong said he'll call me to give me morn call..or just talk to me awhile in the morn..
I said dun need ah..bt tt ahgong wanted..
Rmb was on car and scared tt ahgong called,and mum would ask..
In sch already and was happily waiting..bt tt ahgong overslept..
Msg straight when he woke up..
Tt tues was so happy..bt tdy is so crazy..
Still rmb at the beginning,when we gt closer,talking on the ph..
Hw tt cute ahgong will ask..do u want me to msg u tml morn..
And i ask why..and he said sth like thought u would like..
Those were the happiest and sweetest days..

Today,opened my eyes and could feel them small,swollen.

So tired..
But i just couldnt slp on this day..

When i lie in that same darkness,on tt bed,in tt environ we once talked happily on the ph..
I closed my eyes,but my brain was so crazy..
So much was running through tt brain..
So crazy..i almost could 'feel' it..

Thought about all those things i wanted to do when tt ahgong goes over..wanted to nag at tt ahgong and make sure he take care of himself..wanted to write letters,wanted to talk to him evday,so many things.. but now i cant do anything at all..

Thought about all those promises we had..
Wanted so much to keep those promises tt the ahgong wanted me to make..
Wanted so much to do it all,tgt w tt ahgong..
Skype-ing evday,to get angry when i shd,so tt ahgong can cheer me up,ask me to xiao yi ge..
Why did the ahgong ask me to make those promises and break them like this..
Why didnt he keep his promises,to stand by me,tt ahpoh..
He knew promises meant sth,tts why asked me to make those promises..
But why didnt he fulfill all those promises we had,why didnt he give us the chance to keep those sweet little promises..
We cant even talk now,much less skype..
Why so crazy..



I rly cant tk it..
What's happening..:'(


this last night..is here..
that ahgong will be leaving tml,or rather later..
he must be busy packing his stuff..

i thought i would be ok..just don't think..
but i'm so wrong..
i'm struggling so hard inside..
i try so hard to not think,to keep myself occupied..
and i know it wasnt helping at all..

jean's leaving on thurs..
bought dinner to her house w shir..
we talked so much..
talked bout those days working there..
missing it so much..
they talked about rs stuff..
talked about others..
and jean was saying why do gfs always like to get angry,or maybe bf..either party..
she also thought why should couples always quarrel and get angry easily..
and shir said..get angry would mean u rly cared about the other person..
is that rly true..to have to be angry to show tt u rly cared about someone..

i thought about what tt ahgong said about me not getting angry..
and how he won't know when i'll be anrgy..tt's why he think it wont work out..
he thinks..he thinks..he thinks..

so we must get angry to show someone how much we cared,to work a rs out??
is that really the case..
i didnt get angry infront of friends and they could tell how much i cared about tt ahgong..
but he didnt..
why must we get angry..
i rly thought there wasnt any pt in always getting angry in a rs..
maybe sometimes,a little angry..but not always..and not super angry..

tt period of time..
there wasnt any moment for me to be angry about..
even though it was crazy to hear stuff..
it wasnt right for me to say things out..
how i really felt..when it was because of those stuff that i heard about him,her..
what was i supposed to say?to question him about them..?will he say..
when by right,we just started..and tt faith we were supposed to have..
why did that ahgong have to think tt way..
he didnt understand..

and throughout..they kept talking..
and i knew i only had one thing in my mind..
that the ahgong will be leaving tml..
that the ahgong will be gone forever..


i told them..
how i waited..and up till now he never said anything..
and say how i thought about asking for an explaination..
but maybe i should not know..
it's so scary to hear,smhw 'disgusting' to hear..


they kept telling me to call..
i said i was rly scared to talk to that ahgong again..
really have no more courage..
i could only rmb how he deliberately talked to me so badly the last time..
and it scares me so much..


but i know i wanted so much to just hear that ahgong's voice once more,to talk once more..
but i didnt dare,i couldnt do it..
i could only think that the ahgong would be hostile..

i thought if he called..which he didnt,up till the end..
would i pick up..
i would..i would..i would..
tt ahgong once said..telling me why i always dont pick up,maybe sometimes i would miss sth good..
and i said..it always wasnt good wasnt it..

and i always thought,did i miss it that time..maybe not..
and i've always regretted..
and i've always asked myself..hate myself..
why didnt i pick up those calls..why was i so scared..

and i told them i rly cant call..

and i just broke down,infront of them,not over the phone,for the first time.

because i really cant bear for tml to come..for tt ah gong to leave..
because thinking of it just make my heart so pain..
an indescribable feeling..

even though they kept telling me to call..
they want me to get an ans,and forever forget about him..
i knew i won't be able to do it..
even when they all said until he was a super bad guy..
and i still told them how much i couldnt believe,couldnt accept..
and how bad i really felt..being treated like this,so much more bad than his first..
i asked them why..
i cant accept..

tears just kept coming out..
because i just thought of all those times we were tgt..
how we talked about it so much,considering about this long dist rs..
how he told me about him going overseas,his plans..
how he asked if i'll wait,how we can wait w options open..
how he asked if i'll be sad when he leaves..
and now the day is here..

when we gt tgt,i've thought of how tt day will be like,when i send him off,as his gf..
i've thought of what to make and giving him alot stuff when he leaves..
i thought i would be hugging him and cry..
and we'll both cant bear to leave each other..
that ahgong and ahpoh..

but now,i cant do anything at all..
cant see him and talk to him anymore..
cant say bye..
i miss those words..ahpoh..
byebye,goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
and tt ahgong singing,playing guitar..
his cute soft laughter sometimes..
his funny chi..
i really miss the way he calls me ahpoh..
i'll never hear it anymore..


was on taxi home w shir..
and she asked what i was thinking..
i said i don't know..bt i just didnt say..
cause i know i would seem so stupid..


because i was thinking of our whole journey..
how 'accidental' it was..
how i thought it was fate..

how happy it was..
how happy i was..

how we first met..first talked..
how we werent very close in office..
how we started going out w friends..
how we slowly gt closer,msging..
how we first talk on the ph,suddenly,him calling in the middle of the night..
how we talked on the phone everyday..
how he first asked about going out,just us both..
how we finally went out ourself..
how funny and cute when tt ahgong still pass me the napkin and asked me to wipe my mouth,when we were leaving coffee bean..
and how we got tgt..how we thought of wanting to go bali tgt..
that first day out,on our official first day..

and all the things that happened after that..
that day at his house..
the day i'll never forget..


went home,and sat at tt bench we sat..
and tears just flowed..i thought of how we were sitting there..
how i thought of how time pass so fast..
how much i wished that if only time could go back to that day..
and pause right there..
02102010..
and i would never have sent him off..never wanted him to go..

i looked at all those pics..
our first pic..
i thought of how we were sitting outside ps..
how we were tickling each other..sitting so close..and how fren was beside..
how tt ahgong who didnt like taking pics,wanted to take tt pic..
i was so glad we took it..it seem we didnt leave anything for each other..only that pic,those precious pics..

i was looking at tt pic,how we were smiling so happily,so happily..
that ahgong's cute silly smile..
and thought how could things have become like this..


why cant i be seeing tt ahgong off tml..as his ahpoh,as his gf..
why we cant even say goodbye..
why is it so cruel..

i guess tt ahgong just want her to send him off..
because tt ahpoh was long gone..

i'm repeating the song,dear god again and again..
and thought about those lyrics..is there any true part..
i guess it all refers to her as well..



that artistic pic tt the ahgong said he took..
only all these pics are what's left behind..



tt apmtty wonder about tt ddag.


Never knew i needed
Neyo

For the way you changed my plans
for being the perfect distraction
for the way you took the idea that i have
of everything that i wanted to have
and made me see there was something missing (oh yeah)
for the ending of my first begin
(ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
and for the rare and unexpected friend
(ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
for the way you're something that i never choose
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose
and never wanna be without ever again (oh oh)


you're the best thing i Never Knew I Needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it's so clear i need you here always

my accidental happily (ever after) (oh oh oh)
the way you slime and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you're the beginning and the end of every chapter (oh oh)

you're the best thing i never knew i needed (oh)
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (that i needed)
so now it's so clear i need you here always


who'd knew that i'd be here (who'd knew that i'd be here oh oh)
so unexpectedly (so unexpectedly oh oh)
undeniablely happy (hey)
said with you right here, right here next to me (oh)

girl you're the..
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (said i needed oh oh)
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (needed oh)
so now it's so clear i need you here always
baby baby
now it's so clear i need you here always


i hate sitting on the bus,listening to music.
i hate it so much..
so many times..i've heard songs and thought bout stuff until i almost really wanted to break down..
those tears really wanted to come out..
i hated it..

i'm hating sch to start again..on tues..
that very first time sch started last year..
it was so different.
that first day in sch..went out and then out again..
sitting at that stairs htht w tt ahgong,went home late,when there was still sch the nx day..
and the following tues..was our first time out..that happy day..
but this coming tues..
i won't be meeting tt ahgong aft sch like tt tues..
i won't even be sending him off..
when we gt tgt,i thought of how that day will be like and rly want to see him off..
but now..
i just won't be seeing him anymore..
and it hurts so much..
to not even see and talk for one last time..to that someone so dear..
that ahgong..

we'll just go back to strangers like we once were..
i guess this was what fate wanted for us..to play a joke on me..

i hated going sch..aft all those..bec tt ahgong's house is so near..
it seems so near yet so far..
and i always rmb tt day at his house..

we both stay on same level,and our unit num smhw similar,he didnt know..

it seems like everyone around have been getting attached one after another..
having something since last year,or being tgt since awhile ago until recently they all just give everybody surprises..
it seems like all from last year..
first sotong xh,secretly keeping it from us for so long till they actually got tgt,to other classmates,and other ppl..
they all are happily announcing,still happily tgt,letting friends know after things 'stabilise'..
we too had sth,gt tgt,didnt want others to know first..
i thought after some time,i could give my friends a surprise too..
but what happened..

yes,it was a surprise to many when they smhw knew we smhw started..
happy for me to find that ahgong..all saying,agreeing that he was a good guy..

but even a greater surprise to them all,about what later happen..
the greatest surprise to that ahpoh..such a crazy bad 'surprise'..

why are others still so happily together..and why must mine be like this..
and so crazy..
i really don't know why..

saw what auntie vic commented and tears was rolling inside..
saying how she wasnt rly here w me these few mths,and years..
i thought back about last time,since we all met in jc..
i thought back..
and there wasnt rly any big problems tt i faced for them to have to be w me like this..

i felt so ashamed..
to think about how i cried infront of friends i've known for so long,for the first time since they've known me..
nothing like this have happened before..
they've never seen this side of me before..
never.
that girl they know wasnt like this,never like this..
she was the one who always seem so happy,always smiling,never emo,always asking others to cheer up..
but now,it's the total opposite of the me they know of..
and i feel so ashamed,to have to let them see me like this..

the last one,some knew some didnt..
it was quite bad,quite dumb..
but they all didnt really knew what happened..
i guess only ahma really knew what exactly happened..
and somehow i survived through it myself..
i guess because it wasnt as crazy as this..

when all these happened..
i thought i could face it myself again..
wanted to be strong myself..
didnt want friends to see that so weak,so vulnerable side of me..
but now,they've seen it all..
that worst i could have gone..

and throughout..
it was only jean that really knew what happened,and was w me all the while,msging me almost throughout the whole day to check on me..
i guess because before all these,she had alot probs w her bf who went overseas for 3 mths..
it was smhw long dist..and they had alot probs..
and when he came back,they broke..
all along,when they started having prob..
i always told her to control ah..not to get angry so easily..
bec she had a bad temper..

they always had probs about skype-ing,bec of the bad reception and stuff..
and so many other probs..about the bf..
and i told her u all just started and then he's overseas..just bear w the probs ah,since u like him..
when he's back then ok le ma..if cant skype then can msn,or talk on ph?
i was w her..
and i didnt know such a big thing will happen to me..
and she had to pei me more than i did bec it was far crazier..


somehow,frm jean exp..i knew how long dist would be diff already..
but i still thought through..and wanted to do it w tt ah gong..
bec i knew my temper wont be like jean to get so easily agitated when they cant skype or find time, or what..
i kept telling her,if he did sth,then maybe u shd step back..
don't get angry over sth small ah..no pt..
he didnt rly know what she wanted,what she like or didnt like..thats why she always gt angry..

i thought i knew that ahgong,i thought that ahgong knew me..how he could easily notice sth was wrg..
that's why i said i don't get angry easily..
because i thought we both knew each other,and we wouldnt have to go through being angry w each other,or quarelling..
that would be so much nicer..
yes i do get angry,but not so easily..i didnt like..

i kept telling her..u all just gt tgt and he have to be overseas..
slowly ah..then both of u will know each other better and won't have such problems..
since u both like each other,then slowly ah..
the beginning would be tough..but..
it takes time..it takes 2 to work a rs out..and not just one and if u keep getting angry also wont help..
you all really have to work it out..if u rly dont like him to do certain stuff,then just tell him..


i really wanted to work it out w tt ahgong..
it takes 2..
but that ahgong just thought by himself..and decided himself..
because i wasnt the one..because i cant talk.dont get angry.
he just didnt understand..
we needed time..i needed time..

from the beginning..
jean smhw knew a little..ec..
and then..how it all slowly changed..
she knew how i felt towards him..
she saw what he did..
the last day of wk,tt late outing..
she saw how he called me instead of o and asked about it..
when it was o who asked him and didnt say i was going..

she saw how he msged me and not the rest when he got off at his place..
asking,worried about us getting lost,and asking to msg him when home..
she kept saying there was sth,but i didnt think so much then..
and i told her he meant everybody to msg him when they're home..
she heard about how at the macs party,because he didnt reply my msg earlier..
he was sitting beside me and msging me sorry..
saw how he was waiting for me to go hm tgt..

and she said can see there's sth,can see he zai hu ni...
did he really zai hu..?if he did,then how did all these happen?and until now he didnt say anything..
but why did he msg auntie vic to ask her help him take care of me..
that last msg..that last concern from tt ahgong to tt ahpoh..
was it just out of pure guilt..

and tt first time out..
she knew about how he actually asked about the waiting thing..
still smhw saying about how his parents are 'fierce',smhw asking how,if i would be scared or wad?
she thought he was so serious also,thought he was a good guy too..
and was so happy for me also..

when we gt tgt,she was the first to know..
becase i was so scared my mum would asked about where i went..
so i asked her to help..and told her what happened..
i rmb her sms..after i told her..
congratulations in caps..
and i rmb i was walking home aft sending tt ahgong..and was smiling at tt msg..

then when tt ahgong said about the committment issues..
i told her..i asked her how..
at first she thought i shouldnt have ask him about thinking the second time..we should have just tried..
but i told her,i regretted asking..
but the first ans he didnt think through properly,he ans quite fast..
and i know i would smhw feel insecured w tt first ans,and i don't want to be like forcing him..
tt's why i asked again,thinking that the ans will still be yes,we try,after much thinking..

i thought that ahgong would say yes..
i thought that the serious ahgong would want to do it tgt w tt ahpoh..
but i was wrong..

in btw,bef tt ahgong rly gave me tt ans aft i asked him to think again..
she still came over to talk about some of her stuff and was telling me not to worry..
saying it'll be ok..keep saying i shd know him,how he's always easily stressed and thinks alot..
saying it just shows that he rly is serious..
and rmb when i was sending her to the bus stop..tt ahgong called aft work..missed call..
wanted to talk after sending her..and she saw,and still was telling me to change to iphone too..
telling me,so when he goes over,it'll be cheaper for overseas calls,easier,etc..and i was thinking about changing..
but i still told her,we still havent rly settle our prob yet,wait till i get tt ans ah..
but i guess i never got that ans i wanted..


after tt ahgong told me his ans..then smhw things started to 'change'..
we stopped talking on the ph,or msging for ard 2 days..
and i didnt think much..
until o had to tell me all those stuff,what the girl said,what others said bout them going out..
and i told jean,bec i didnt believe..
she talked to o..
smhw they all thought tt it was true..
they thought him saying tired w work,etc was just excuses..
and hw he was taking so long to reply..
they were so worried for me..
still came over late one night..

yes..i was so scared..i rly didnt know what to think..
deep inside i believed it..and thought it really explains it all..
bt smhw,there was still a part of me that didnt believe that the ahgong would be like tt..
it was only one week +ago tt we just go tgt??and all these can happen?
they came over sitting there with frowns on their face..
and asked me how..what i want to do..
and i said there's nth i can do..if tts what he rly wants..
and i also kept explaing..how i don't believe..
dont think he's such a person..
deep inside i was struggling so hard..
when i first heard of it from o..i was outside w jean..trying so hard not to cry infront of her..
i told her i cant believe it..she didnt believe it totally too..
and was telling me things about what tt girl told her,what she did before to her ex,and so many other things..
telling me maybe it cant be believed..


i went home..and cried..for the first time..because of tt ahgong..
when they were at my house..i didnt cry..i still sat there w them watching tv,acting like nth was wrong..


in btw,all that happened..until tt final ans..only jean rly knew all..
how he said he didnt want to try anymore..
she just keep telling me..
how maybe he just want to protect me,rly dont want to hurt me bec he rly like me..bec he's a gd guy..
and so i was trying so hard to move on..
the whole time it was so pain,so crazy..
but i never once cried infront of her..

until that one time,that i totally break down after so long..over the phone..
that time,when she told me about how she met tt guy friend who told her about what that girl told him..
she thought the timing was so qiao as all those things that happened..thats why she got so worried..
thats why she thought i should know about it,and told me..
and when i heard her say..the girl telling the guy that they were tgt..that was it..
i totally break down..after such a long time of acting strong..


it was so crazy..and all along,seeing his statuses,i still told her how it makes me believe him more..'slow but i'll get it done..'..
but that day,i felt so stupid..the most stupid moment in my entire life..
thinking of how i've been convincing friends to believe that he's really that gd ah gong that i know of..
and all those cant be true..
i didnt know what to say..jean didnt know what to say too..

she used to try and comfort me saying how he was a gd guy like what i believed,what i told her,tts why he didnt want to try anymore..
but what could she say now..
she too,didnt believe that the guy she once said really zai hu ni,that explained so much,did so much,would be like this..
she,didnt believe that the girl,a friend would be like this..
the girl who warned he was a bad guy,who even had asked jean before about how things are between me and him..could do such a thing..
it was so crazy..
it was so true..but deep inside i still thought of reasons that it cant be true..so silly..

jean knew she couldnt explain to me anymore..couldnt say anything..
and was just so angry with them..
she just msg and msg me everyday..
and until now..
but she's going to leave for her intership this thurs..

i didnt know that a friend i didnt got to know tt long would be with me so much throughout this thing..
and it's amazing how friends enter our lives at diff point in time and stay around..


i know auntie vic was busy w sch and stuff..
thats why from the beginning i didnt tell her much..and also didnt tell others much..
bec i was scared too..scared of how it'll turn out..
when we gt tgt..that ahgong said not to let friends know first..
i didnt mind not saying..esp after him telling me about him worryng about committment issues..
i didnt rly dare to say..i had a bad feeling..


at first auntie vic only knew we had sth and then knew we started..
she asked if she could like tt status i posted on tt first day..
and i told her ya..i told her i got talk to tt ahgong about u before,my bff..
so it's ok..u shd know..
and then aft tt,auntie vic know abit about how he i asked him to think again..
and she also said it was a good thing for us to consider so hard..
show that he was really serious too..a good guy!


why is it tt everybody said that...but ended up..like this..
they all said it'll be ok..it'll be fine..
but now,it isnt ok at all..


after that..
she didnt know much..because i didnt rly tell her,bother her..
i didnt really tell my few close friends..those who smwh knew we started..
i didnt want to tell..
i thought i could be like last time and be strong by myself again..
i thought i could..
i was trying so hard..

until some point in time,i almost couldnt take it anymore..
and she asked,then i told her what really happened..
and she even helped me so much i didnt know..
and i felt so lucky to have auntie vic as a gd fren and sotongs too..
though she kept saying she wasnt w me..
but i know what she did meant alot..she really done alot..told me so much..asking me to have faith,in that ahgong..
and knowing that i'll always have them ard,if i wanted to talk or cry or what,was sufficient already..
and i really treasure them so much..so thankful..


and when i thought it was supposed to end right there already..
i had to hear about all those even more crazy stuff..
auntie vic who smhw believed w me all the way tt the ahgong was a good guy too..
up till then,she also didnt know what to say already..
she also didnt understand what happened,how could it happened..
she still said,are they rly tgt,can believe what the girl said?
but,that ahgong,both of them..showed it happily..they could have hide..but they didnt..
so how were we supposed to not believe..


tt ahgong didnt know how hard it was for me..
didnt know i was trying so hard to cope with it all by myself..
acting strong..
he didnt know..
he thought i kept talking to my friends about it..
was saying how i shouldnt just be talking about these to my friends..
he didnt know what i knew..
didnt know how hard i tried..how badly i didnt want friends to know..
i felt so dumb to let them know..but i almost collapsed..
i would have collapsed long ago,if i didnt have them..
he just didnt know..
how bad i felt..how bad it was..
he took it so easy..


and now,i guess he still don't know..
still don't know how much i went through that period of time..
and until now,i still don't know what was true and what was not..
he don't know that kind of feeling..

i really don't know if i should get tt ans i want..
i'm so scared to hear..
so scared to face that ahgong..
i thought i knew him..
i really thought i knew him..better than others..

but now,i dont know if tt was really him..
even as much as i want to believe that was the real him that i know..
there's always this part of me that questions it..
because he didnt give me any ans..
because he took away that trust,that faith i had in him..


he thought he should have said sth..
but until now he didnt..
'to admit or say sry..which is wiser that needs doing..'
he should have if he rly was that ahgong that i knew..
but i guess..i never knew him..
like what he wanted me to do..to forget him..
to keep in my secret world and take it that he never once existed..


i really wanted to lock it temporarily in my secret world,and believing..
but why did all these happen..


to forget someone is already difficult..
to forget someone who u like so much and have caused so much hurt to u,is even more impossible..
and i guess it'll never happen..
it'll always be there..



saw this pic on some web..
seems like it was those stairs we sat at..
didnt rmb seeing the merlion though..but rmb that view of mbs..
how we were saying to walk over to there,when it was so late already..


rmb friends were standing at that railing area looking at us..


noobie bro doesnt like wearing shirts and long pants..
told him to match that shirt w shorts..
and before he went out tdy,came in and ask me if it looked ok..
that shirt and shorts..
that green shirt that looked so much like what that ahgong wore for his family photoshoot,on our first day..
just looked like what that ahgong wore that first day.
that green shirt,shorts and shoes..

and rmb how that ahgong was asking if he looked nice also..
asking about his shoes..whether matching the shirt w shorts looked ok..
we were sitting on the bench the first night..
first time hearing a guy complaining about his tighs too fat,using his hands to try put ard it,see if it was big..
worried about putting on weight,tighs getting bigger,but still had late suppers,ice cream..
that was that ahgong,the cute,somehw image conscious ahgong..
from that first time out,we werent tgt yet but he was already asking me about what he shd wear,what i was wearing..
and that first day..he asked again if he looked ok..
does he always ask questions like these?ask his ex?her?
did he said the same things,told them the same things too..
maybe not..i'm sure he told them the truth..
but i don't know what were the truth,all those that he said..

alphabets alone don't mean anything..it's when they come tgt and form words,then there is a meaning to it all..
but then what are words for,if they arent meant to be true..
words are not for us to abuse and create lies..
they should have other better meaningful purposes..
if words dont exist,then maybe hurt won't exist..because there won't be words like lies..
and we won't know about lies..won't create lies..


8 feb
2 more days and that ah gong shall be gone forever.
when we gt tgt..
i've thought of how that day would be like,at the airport,sending that ahgong off..
i know i wouldnt bear to see him off..didnt want that day to come..
i've thought of just wanting a big hug from that ahgong,and i'll hug back tight and it'll be enough,and i won't cry..
and would smile saying bye to him..

but now,i cant even do anything..
i even thought of asking him if i can send him off..
but felt so stupid..even if i asked,i guess he won't reply..so why ask and make myself even more silly..
and i guess others would think i'm so stupid to want to see him off..
that ahgong who did all these to the ahpoh and hurt her like this..
how could i have that thought of wanting to see him off..

but just thinking of that day,a tues..its so crazy..
to think that many weeks ago on that tues,we went out on ourself for the first time..
and many weeks later,we didnt know things would become so crazy like this..
and on tues,it'll be the day that ahgong leaves..without saying bye..

its so crazy..
to think that i cant say bye and see that ahgong anymore..
to think that that dumbdumb ahgong will be gone forever..

and it'll seem like ah gong and ah poh never once existed at all..
why must it be like this.


No secrets
I'll remember you

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you.






that ahpoh mtty wonder if tt ddag mttmt.


steamboat steamboat steamboat..
3 steamboats already..and today's only sat..
another one seems to be on the way on chu qi..

so that's how it's like to spend cny in spore..
eating eating and eating,steamboats,snacks..
those empty shops,shopping centres,closed coffee shops..
seeing grps of ppl on the streets in nice new clothes,holding oranges..
going to the river hongbao thing that has almost nothing,for the first time..
so that's how spore celeb cny,in such a boring way..
the only fun thing,is our baby cousin..all crowding around him,playing w him..
i still prefer abroad..
and cousins are all complaining about it,not going anywhere this year..
all wishing that we are in korea..playing w the snow..

all these cny sights seem so weird,unfamiliar..

went visiting today..and mum's godma was asking if i hv a bf..
every year i have been saying no,no and no..cause they all dont know..
i said no again this time,when last year i thought about how i could have said yes..
last year when we started having sth..how that ah gong said he spent 2 cny w his first..
i thought i could celeb a diff cny w that ahgong,this year..and go bai nian tgt..
seeing those couples on the streets going bai nian tgt,i just thought of that ah gong..
and i just felt so stupid..

when i said no,i was smiling happily..that fake smile..
saying no to mum's godma,saying no to aunt..
i was looking at aunt,saying no..
and i felt so guilty..i thought of how i told her no..
when she asked me if i had a bf on our second day..
how i asked her,why she ask..and she ans because she have a feeling..
i asked her will mummy scold if i rly have..
she said wont,if it doesnt affect sch wk..
then she said,so have huh..
i still said no..bec of how ahgong didnt want family to know first..
and i just said will slowly find a handsome one..i meant that ah gong..
i thought we would somehow solve our problem..bec we were both so serious,i thought.
and soon they'll be able to see him,that handsome one,that dumbdumb ahgong..
so i just said will find a handsome one..because..
i thought i could finally bring a bf home,the first they will know of..
i thought they can meet that ahgong and they will be happy for me too,saying he's a good guy,shuai..
i thought my auntie would be so happy and say how her feelings were so accurate..

but i was so wrong..i just thought..
it was all just my own wishful thinking..

then after i said no..
my cousin was sitting beside me..
and said i know u have bf..
i said don't have..
then she said i know u have,but break already right..
and she was saying one day she went to stalk my fb and saw stuff..
i said got nth ah..
i thought of my tt post..02102010-day one of the long journey ahead..
i thought of how i could bluff her about it..could say its sch reopen,like how some friends thought it was..
she said she wanted to show me..
but luckily she forgot..

i was so scared..
what if she told my aunt..
what if my aunt told my mum..
what am i to say?
how should i explain?

to tell them i got to know that ahgong at work place..
we gt tgt..and that ahgong said he just didnt want to hurt me..
bec he's going overseas,that's why we stepped back again..
we thought we could wait..
it was supposed to be so simple and sweet..
i thought i could tell them that,and they would think so too..

or,should i be telling them..
i got to know that ahgong..
who told me,explain so much to me,how we should not try,because the risk was too great..
and ended up doing all those stuff..
to tell them..
your daughter,your niece, was actually 'cheated' by that ahgong,or somehow two timing,if what they say was right..?
or maybe not,just dumped me after explaining so hard to me..and be tgt with someone else,soon after,or at the same time?
because i wasnt the one..

what would they think,what would they feel,when this will be the first they know of..
what would they think next time..they would be so worried for me about next time..
would they have expected me to be so strong,bear with it for so long and still trying hard to overcome it,and acting so well all these time..
would they know that it's still haunting me so much each and everyday..barely surviving..

because their dearest daughter,niece..
still havent got any answers..
still havent understood what happend..
cant accept..
cant believe..

just cant understand..

why me.
why happen to me.
why me why me why me.
why that ahpoh have to be the first one.
that ahgong had two gfs before..it didnt happen to them at all..
that ahgong was so upset over the last..so faithful smhw??
then why,how did that ahgong do such a thing to that ahpoh??
just because she wasnt the one?and he can do such a thing to hurt her like crazy..

no one know how bad it was,how crazy it was,this whole time..
because i just seem so much stronger..infront of everybody..
just seem..
when at times,i did think of giving up..because of how tired i was,from that craziness inside that was really unexplainable..
so pain,i don't know how to say.don't know how to explain..
just swollow it,swollow it,swollow those tears,wipe and wipe away those tears..
until my eyes hurt from those wiping..

and that ahgong just doesnt know how much hurt he've inflicted on that ahpoh..
and it doesnt bother him..he just still live happily each day..
worried about her..?feel bad towards her..?thinking about her?
because she mean so much more..?
nothing about that ahpoh..

no sorry.no explaination.no nothing.
he can just live with it forever..
only he knows all the answers..and he's so selfish to keep it all inside..

how can that ahgong that i know of be like this..to treat that ahpoh like this..
that ahgong that kept saying he wasnt a good guy,he's a bad guy..
so is this what he means???
so what happened to the 2 gfs..they wasnt hurt like what happened to me..

why me..
what wrong did i do..
to admit about those feelings to that ahgong was that first mistake that cause myself all these misery??

and that her..
makes it seem like she's the victim..the innocent one..
then what am i?
i did all these to myself?
because i deserved it?
all these are my karma..
and i caused her to be so hurt now?

when did i ever did something wrong to have such karma..
when the least i could do was to swear and scold them infront of the com screen,infront of my friends..
did i..?i never once did..
rather,my friends were the ones scolding them..wanting me to scold them..
i just couldnt bear to do it,couldnt bring myself to scold them..
i really hate myself,for being so useless..thats why ppl bullied u like this..

what did i do before..
what were the stuff she did before..
what am i compared to her..
then why me..
i should be the victim..the innocent one..
but instead,why does it seem like i'm the baddie,the villian..

that's why all these have to happen to me.
that's why i have to be tortured like this,time after time..


i always let it slip away..
the first i asked if he was joking,and ans no..
the second i thought it was like the first also..and bec of what friends thought..
the third,i don't know what to say..it was so crazy too..

why.
what did i do wrong.that god have to play with me like this.i'm so tired of this game.

why me.


the elders always believed that on this day cny eve to nian chu yi..
us,the children should shou ye,stay up till late..
so that our parents would live to a ripe old age..
i'm staying up now,later than usual..hoping that it's true..
even though our parents never ask us to do it..
but i really hope that live to a ripe old age..because i really cant imagine a day without them..

one day before new year eve,had early reunion dinner again at our house,without grandma..
she must be enjoying herself in ipoh..and i guess they must all be playing mahjong till late,everyday..
like the last time we were there..
reunion dinner..thought of how that ahgong would be having it..thought could have it tgt w that ahgong this year..

rmb that ahgong was asking about my family..
and him saying about his family and relatives..
he had quite alot uncles and aunties,thats why alot cousins?and i asked if he rmb all their names..
and that ahgong said yes..and was trying to name them all to me,one by one,on that phone..
and i was smiling..
thought that ahgong was so cute..so silly..
was he the youngest..?i cant rly rmb already..
but i just rmb this part of our convers..him naming those names, in such a cute way..

"It’s amazing. Some people, they just say these small little things,one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant.
Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever.
It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they dont know it, it still happens."

"笑一个嘛"
i guess that was it..how things somehow 'started',for me..from ec..


"sometimes a stranger can bring great meaning to ur life.."

that ahgong was supposed to be a total stranger..
where we would have just continue to walk pass each other,again and again,in office..
but because of that customer..we somehow entered each other's life..
and somehow 'brought great meaning to my life' and impacted me so much..
i don't know about that ahgong's..
but i guess it didnt..
i guess he'd long forgotten about everything..because she must be better..



it's so weird to spend cny in spore..why cant we be overseas now..
first time watching those spore cny countdown..
first time seeing those empty streets,all those neighbourhood shops,coffeeshops closing early,closed,for reunion dinner..
rmb how the cny feel would be so much better overseas..
rmb we'll always be in the hotels,hiding under the blanket,bec of the cold weather,watching those cny prog on their tv..
or dad would have eagerly bought alot of fireworks,fire crackers and we would put them..
rmb,last year,in korea, we were standing in the cold weather at the balcony,at midnight..
holding that small stick thingy that would 'shoot' small fireworks out..
and we saw how our neighbours,other families from the tour grp was doing it also..
rmb how last year on nian chu yi..the tour leader asked if we wanted to see the sunrise..
so we woke up super early like 4+ to go to that seaside and see that sunrise,that awesome view..
that awesome first sunrise of the chi year..
it was valentine's day..


it's so weird..and i don't have any cny feel at all..
it's so weird to go bai nian like on nian chu yi,or chu er..when we always go bai nian late,after back from hols..
it's so weird..it's the festive season,it should be a joyous season..should be happy..but i'm not..

i should be happy..
but i just wished that ahgong was here..
i dont know why.



"I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talked to you again.
If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you.
But you’re the only thing that makes me happy, whether it’s right or wrong and I don’t have the strength to give up on that."


that ahpoh want so much to talk to that ahgong again..want to see him again..before he leaves..
she keeps thinking about it,even when she knows it would not happen..
"i don't want you to be unhappy,i want u to be happy forever.."
you're the only thing that maskes me happy..
just hearing that ahgong calling me ahpoh in his way would just make me so happy..
just seeing how that ahgong's pic will pop up when he msg would just make me so happy..
just holding on to the phone,not talking but hearing that ahgong play his guitar and sing would just make me so happy..
it was so simple..

and as each day passes,that ahgong just seem to be further and further away,blurer and blurer..
seem to be gone forever,as time passes..
but i guess,this should be more true for that ahgong..

and slowly,maybe,that ahpoh wouldnt rmb how that ahgong looked like,maybe.


maybe.
how,when u seem still to be that star that stands out,the brightest in my sky..
how,when i still talk about u like u put the stars in my sky..


It's the 2nd day of the month.
that day we decided btw 1st and 2nd.
it's cny eve.
that ahpoh had thought before how we could celeb every this day of the month tgt,before that ah gong leaves..
now,thought how good it was,if that ahgong's here having reunion dinner w my family,and celeb 'our day' too..
so dumb..i guess he doesnt even rmb what day it was..


4 mths ago..
that ahgong still wanted dinner even though it would be late already..
i said can meet another day..and that ahgong keep saying can,nvm de..said if i didnt want,then he'll go alone,showing that sad face..
so i met that ahgong for late dinner not knowing that,the ahgong would ask about it..
we got off that bus,walking back to my blk..on tt overhead bridge,o was on the ph w him and me,how tt ahgong didnt want to talk to her already,wanted to have our own time..

we sat at that first bench,and my mum called and was suspicious of where i am..and i thought that spot was 'dangerous'..so we moved to another..
we sat there..and that ahgong was hot,he still took out that sh file thingy to fan,fan us both..and i was laughing at him..
we just sat there,and talked about random stuff..
how that ahgong said he like maths..because there's always answers to those qns..
how that ahgong was still thinking about work,so stressed about work,thinking about follow ups,wanting to go back office the next day to clear his work when it was supposed to be his off day..

brought my water bottle but didnt drink any,and that ahgong was nagging..
how we ended up drinking from the same bottle,'competing' who drank more in one mouth..but that wasnt the first time we shared a drink..that first time we went out we already did..it's the first time we shared after we got tgt..
how that 'could be model' ahgong put on my hairband and i still rmb tt look,laughing at him,saying he looked so gay..
rmb how that silly ahgong once asked over the phone,if i always wear hairband,even when i go to slp..
how my hair was messy,and that ahgong..
how we sat closer and closer..
how i told that ahgong later his arms will ache,but he just said nvm,and got that ahpoh closer..and i rmb,when we got up,that ahgong was stretching those arms..and i was saying him..
how we were both sticky,from the humid weather..rmb our sticky faces..
how that ahgong said he'll put more cologne next time..and i rmb that scent of that cologne..and i said,nvm,will get used to it..
how that ahgong was whispering into my ears..so soft,i couldnt hear anything..
how that ahgong was saying if my heart is beating v fast..teaching me how to feel the pulse..
how his friends were msging,chatting,but he just ignored..

how that ahgong said,he'll be faithful..
and i rmb that stare,how we paused and stared at each other..


4 mths ago,this day,ard this time..
I just walked that ah gong to get the taxi and sent him off..
We walked from tt bench to that road at the bus stop,held hands for the first time,how we stumbled a little..
when he still said we should have probabtion till 20102010,and before that should not hold hands outside and stuff..
We stood there facing each other,happily,waiting,flagging taxi..
what we did happily..
And i walked home happily,bathed and waited happily for that ah gong to reach home,bathe and call..
I was so happy and not knowing that that happiness was so short lived,because of the things i asked and later say..
Were we too fast..do u want to think again..

Because of all that,that's why everything have to become so crazy..
and he have to do that to that ah poh..
What did all his words mean..what were they..how did it come out from him,if now it all seems like none was true,none meant anything..
And i guess he dont remember saying them,if not how did he do all these..

you said i had a bad habit of always making u guilty of ur decisions,that last day..
I really thought we just have to give it up now,because the time's not right..
I really thought that we'll be better off,to give it up now..
you were guilty of ur decisions?then how did u manage to do all these..
does it makes u feel better..

or maybe i guess,she was the one..ur better choice,ur better decision..
that's why u won't feel guilty,won't feel bad..
i didnt know it was possible..so fast..?
yes,that ahpoh shouldnt have existed in the first place..


We were on the phone,on our first day, and that ah gong said..
While he was bathing,he thought of how i said if we were too fast,hw o say start fast end fast..but he said,he didnt hear before,where gt such things..
He told that ah poh how he scared he cant commit,neglect tt ahpoh when he goes over..

We paused.
and i rmb tears welled,tears from tt overwhelmed feelings,mix of emotions..
what was i supposed to feel??what would others feel if they were in my shoes??

One moment i really felt so happy,so lucky to meet that ah gong and get tgt like that..
the next moment,the ahgong have to say such things..
but that ahpoh really never felt so lucky,happy before..

So lucky,happy to be that ah gong's ah poh..
So lucky,happy to have that dumb dumb mr yeong as my ah gong..how he said it sounded like lao gong,lao po..
So lucky,happy to hear that ahgong calling that ahpoh so many names..how he tried to copy my friends and call me gongzhu..
So lucky,happy to have him,have each other to pei each other on this long journey,our lives..
So lucky,happy to see,to think of how the sweetest dream we shared was coming true..

Yes,that moment of overwhelmed feelings.
I really didnt know what to do,what to say..totally stunned..
That pain in the heart..that ah gong didnt know..

I tried so hard to hold back those tears..wiped away those tears..

And muster all those courage to ask..
Do u want to think again..we just started..
That ahgong heard my voice and asked if i was crying..
I said no..
pretend as if i was fine..
pretend that it wasnt a big deal,since we just started..
pretend that i was so stong,that it won't affect me at all..
but the fact was,i wasnt strong at all..

i was just trying so hard to act nonchalant..

i thought i was so brave to have asked that..or rather now i think,stupid..
and i always wonder,would others have done the same as me?
and asked him,someone they like so much,to think again,not once but twice..
he said yes already,but i asked him to think again..
i chased him away..i sent him off..

who would have the courage to do something like that..
who would have done something like that..if they really like tt someone..
who would have like someone,was so happy to be with tt person,and then chase that person off like that..

i guess everybody would not have asked that and instead hold on even tighter to that person..

that ah gong make me have so many first times..
first time,i muster all those courage and admit about those feelings,wanting to be with that ahgong,wanting something good to come out of it,wanting to try it out with that ahgong,wanting to pei that ahgong because that ahpoh know he needed someone to pei him,wanting to turn that sweet dream into a reality..

first time,i have to sillyly ask someone to think about it again,consider about the rs,when we were supposedly to be tgt already,when we just started..

first time,going in and out of a rs like this..and getting hurt like never before..because of how complicated it turned out to be..and that ahpoh totally never expected it to be like this..never expected that ahgong to do all these..because that ahpoh just trusted,believed that ahgong so much..had so much faith in that ahgong..

That ah gong thought for awhile..and said we try..
Still came up w those promises and asked tt ah poh to promise him..
Promise to skype evday,to get angry..and made that ahpoh even more happy..

that day,woke up and saw that ahgong's msg,saying going to take family pic le..
happily lying on bed,smiling and msging..
asked that ahgong take pic le ma,asked him to take nice nice..
and that ahgong said,why..want to take also..?
how that ahgong said didnt want ot le,was asking to go out,but that ahpoh said the next day he got work..
then that ahgong said how that ahpoh sounded didnt want to go out,showed that sad face..

so we went out at night..the places we were,and all the things we did,i cant forget..
and that sitting outside at the bench..
how we took our first pic tgt secretly..
and i happily printed out the pic the next day..the pic's always with me in that secret place,and still in my ph..i cant bear to delete..but i guess that ahgong should have deleted all those pics..

we were there sitting side by side..under that night sky..
how that ahgong was on fb,saw what i posted and liked it and showed that face XD..and asked if others will know..i said nobody asked about it..
how that ahgong posted that status..
To be better and to be well for those that matter..faith in ya.
i didnt see what he posted,i only saw it when home..
and liked it too..

he sat beside me,and posted something like that..
what was in his mind at that point in time..
what was that ah gong thinking..
i was so happy then..really happy..thought we really wanted to do it,tgt,seriously..
faith in ya..


But now,it scares me to think,what did all those mean,how did it come out..
when she seem to mean so much more than that ah poh..when it wasnt tt long ago..
how.why.why and how is that ah gong able to do such a thing..
like that ah poh is totally gone,or even,never once existed..
if not how would he be able to do all these so happily,showing me..
the more i thought,the more i felt that ahpoh was so worthless,so pathetic..

and i really envy his first..
when that ah gong first told me about her..
how he wanted to end it,because he didnt rly like her..
she didnt wanted it,so that ah gong tried..
tried to like her and bear with her,work it out..
they were tgt so long,he still spent so much when she went abroad..

I thought she was so fortunate,so lucky,to have tt ahgong treating her so nice..
and that last time,they still met..

and tt first day,i thought i was luckier..because tt ahgong didnt get tgt w me for that reason he gt tgt w his first..
That ahpoh really thought that ah gong really like her..
That ahpoh thought we both liked each other..
how we were both asking why like each other..since when..
That ahgong said that smile,those food,bec of hw tt ahpoh went to look for him because of his customer's cases..

But if that ahgong really liked that ahpoh..
Why did he do all these,how did he do all these to that ahpoh..in such a short time..

And now,i guess his first was so much more luckier,fortunate than that ahpoh..
so much more..
And that ahpoh was nothing compared to her..
I really don't know what that ahpoh was..was it a joke..
just nothing,didnt mean anything at all,just for fun..
it just doesnt bother him at all..

02102010,i guess that one day was really the happiest day,the day i'll never forget..
or rather,maybe the craziest day,with a crazy mix of so much emotions..

i really thought..
"people that are meant to be together,always find each other in the end..
if god wants u to be tgt in four or five yrs,it doesnt matter if one of u goes to the moon,you'll be back tgt."

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