it's not nice to wake up everyday and the first thing in ur mind is about studying..
keep thinking about studying when i'm doing other stuff,but when i'm rly sitting there studying..
end up getting restless so fast,and absorb so little,so slowly..
dumb dumb me..

this year subj are so much more crazier than last year..
so much so much of content..and crazy maths,formulas..
hate corp finance!
all just based on estimations..assumptions,assumptions and assumptions..
and i thought back last year,did we started so early on revision..
like 2 mths before??
and i can't rly rmb,but i guess we didnt..
and thinking back,it seems like last year subj were rly easy..
if only this year's too..

went for shing's dad funeral tt day..
so tired from sch but so worried and just wanted to see her and see how she was..
and when we reached..really shocked by her..
so so so strong..no tears,no saddness on her face..
still smiling when she saw us..talked and joked..
i saw her and really felt so xin tong for her..
holding her hands,pat,hug her,but ended up i was the useless one tt almost cried..
because of how she kept smiling and saying i'm ok,i'm ok..
and still pat me back instead..
saw daddy chan,and he rly lost alot weight and looked like he suffered alot the past few months..and seeing him i wonder how sotong went through it all..
it was really hard for her..

i know she wasn't that ok..from all the things she say in the msges..
act so stong infront of me also,but her msges say a diff thing..
she was putting up such a strong front..infront of everybody..
and rly hurts to see her having to be like that..
because i guess others don't know what she was rly thinking inside..
thinking she's rly so strong,and can do it..
but in actual fact,she got so much things inside her,thinking and thinking..
till she cant concentrate studying..don't know what to do..
seeing her mum sorting out pics crying..
she feels so xin tong and don't know whether she should pei her more or cont to study for the exam in just 2 weeks..her final yr exams..
haix..and we cant do anything..except for comforting and talking to her..
this is really her fight now..
and we'll all be behind her..
jiayous my dearest sotong chan..
and rip,dearest sotong chan's daddy..
we'll help u look after her also,dont worry,an xin ba..


3 more weeks to exams..and it's so fast..
seems like ytd when we just took our exams last year..
finish exams and started looking for jobs..
rmb after my last pp,still met sotong chan and pei her do manicure and dinner..
one year ago she was still the happy happy shing ee..
and never would have expected that one year later this have to happen to her..
and her 21st bday celeb in sept..seeing her with family so happy..
who would have known tt in dec they would get the worst news ever..
the unpredictability and fragility of life..
and i'm so scared to think,what will happen when my closed ones leave me too..
so scared of tt day..and never ever want it to come..
because i know i'm not as strong as sotong chan..
why is life so unpredictable,so short,so fragile..
and the thought is rly scary..
still enjoying family times,and now treasuring it even more..

the sec day left the funeral late,and miss the sec bus..
and i decided to walk home from hougang mrt..
crazy one hour walk,in the middle of the night..
thinking through so much things..
taking a breather from the extreme stress..
walked pass tt flyover to kovan..
and had to think of tt ahgong,how he drove the wrong way,and went up the flyover instead of the other way,and ended up going one round to send me home..
i hate to rmb..


i hate the thought tt aft exams have to start looking for jobs already..
because it'll again just remind me of last year and all the things at sh..
i thought of the diff jobs i could have chosen instead..
if i had chosen them,then maybe i wouldnt have gone through such a crazy and tiring past few months..
why did i choose the job at sh,if not i would not have suffered so much..
or should i be happy,lucky tt i chose tt job..
if not i never would have met tt ahgong..and had the happiest and greatest time..
the past few mths was tiring,crazy,but quite a learning experience too..

since before prelims was already very stressed and so much things happened that added on to it..and felt so bad..
up till now,i still havent talked to olivia..haven say sry to her..
don't want to msg her during this exam period,bec i dun wan to see her replies..
so scared of her replies..
don't want to get even more stressed or get unhappy or wad..
don't want to be affected by anything right now,so i can only choose to escape..
but every single day,i have to keep thinking sbout it all..
and it's rly taking a toll on me..how long it have been w me already..
the thought everyday..for the past few months..i havent have a good talk w her..
i havent say sorry to her..even though i didnt do anything wrong..
it just feels so bad..
seeing the things she posts,seems like saying us,i guess she must be thinking it doesnt matter to me,doesnt affect me at all..when it bothers me every single day..
doesnt matter,i can be the 'bad guy' for now..
and yes,so many things bothering me,worried about this and that..worried about shing,then vic,then jean..omg..

so tired of how life really is..
tired from all the happenings..
not just my own,but also from friends around me..
not tired from hearing it from them,but rather,tired to hear of how this life is really like,think of why must life be like this..this crazy world..
the cruel world..the evil world..the unfair world..?
why is the world such a complicated one..
when all we want is just a simple and happy life..
and our lives have always been so simple,so easy..
why is something so simple,so hard to achieve..

my crazy happenings,then sotong shing,then auntie vic also went through a great deal..and jean in beijing also..
why such a 'happening' time..of our lives..and all at the same time..
really draining,tired of this crazy life..
tired of how this life is bec,auntie vic went through sth so similar also..
and get to see the ugly side of ppl,even those whom u are so close to,or anyone around u that u least expected them to be like that..
and i just cant believe..that it happened to me,and to auntie vic also..
and that there rly are so many ppl so 'fake'..
it's so crazy or rather scary..
and makes us wonder how can they be like this..
what do they stand to gain from all their actions..
from their backstabbing,their selfish acts??
the complexity of life and people..
or is it that we're too simple minded,naive,too trusting..
so,we all went through a valuable lesson..


and yes,she have been still msging me from time to time to ask how am i,asked about my bkk trip,her sch,chat abit,etc..
somehow rly like friends..close friends??
and i always wonder,how do i talk to her..
can she be a fren or shd be someone i hate..
can i rly forgive her..i don't know..
i just msg her and not think of those..
and i got to know so much more stuff from her each time..

i always wanted to go back to sh and work again..
but now i really dunno if i can..
i always thought only two friends should know maybe there was sth btw tt ahgong and me..and maybe don't know what happened after i left..
one of them was trying to bring us tgt..and the other saw hw tt ahgong called me to want to join us..and when he got off first,still msged to say worry we get lost and asked me to msg him when home..
and maybe one or two other guessing,when they saw us leaving tgt at the 2 outings..
i thought that was all they will know,then ok..
but ended up,almost the whole big grp,dept clique know almost everything!
first i couldnt face olivia,then now,i rly dunno how to face them all..
feel so embarrased..
how to go back..and i rly miss those times there with them..
how we all slowly,one by one cliqued and became a bigger and bigger group..
and started having those late night outings tgt..
thought and looked forward to more to come..but ended up..i cant join them..
and they are all still having those outings now..
and tt couple,that tt ahgong and me joked saying we end up faster than them,is still happily tgt..

should i feel happy or what..because they all ended up outcasting her and tt ahgong..
when they somehow got to know what happened..
she said they shd have thought she interfered in our rs..tt's why..
they stopped toking to them,stopped asking them out to outings..
i feel so bad,for tt ahgong..because if they didnt know we had sth,then when they saw them or what,then they wouldnt have outcast them..
she said everyone told her to choose the other guy instead of tt ahgong..
because they said they werent compatible..
i feel so bad,because tt ahgong was like so close to tt guy who tried to helped us,close to others too..
i thought of how tt ahgong would have felt tt time when they all outcast them..
i thought of the other fren who know,ll,i wonder what she's thinking when she saw how he seemed to change so much tt time??
tt ahgong who asked me to go w him to shop for her bday present..
tt changed to someone she outcasted..
how would she think,if she knew how tt ahgong was thinking,deciding so hard and asking my opinion on what to buy for her..
how and what was she thinking,to see this great change in him..??
or maybe she didnt rly know him well then..

she said she chose tt ahgong because tt ahgong was better at playing the field??
and it was more exciting to make a 'wrong' decision??
and yes,because of tt and the things he hide from her..??she's sorry,not knowing that she robbed so much happiness from me,she said..
and that she regrets so much now,for not choosing the other guy instead..
and misses him so much now,thinking what to do..
and i can actually talk to her,and tell her if she rly likes him,then explain things to him,etc..
and up till now,she's still saying how much she hates that ahgong,and still rly wants revenge on him..
haix..
can revenge turn back time,can it change things..
if only it can..

all the things she said always make me ponder so much..
but i have no time to rly think about it now..
i guess maybe later..then think through everything..
bec of what happened to auntie vic,i rly dont know what to do also..
and she still refuses to believe her..


but i guess long time ago,it wasnt rly impt anymore whether i believed her or not..
because it rly became like a joke to me,that it rly didnt seem to 'affect me' anymore,somehow..
ytd during lect,i drift off abit..and suddenly,thought back and it all rly seemed like a dream,really..
really like it didnt happened..really felt like a long dream..
feels so weird..
and i have to ask myself,did it rly rly happened before..
or maybe time is just making it blurry??that it seemed like a dream..
and maybe soon enough,i will rly take it as a dream??it was never a reality..??
a dream,the sweetest dream coming true..minus off the nightmare at the end..
was the best thing that happened to that ahpoh..
what i told him in the email..

when he was sick tt time,wanted to email him and ask how is he,but was so busy w prelims..so pushed it back..
and i told him some things he asked before,bt i didnt ans,if not i would never ever get a chance to tell him anymore..
and i said..
but having a eyecandy becoming a bf even if it was for a few hours,or one day..was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..

and a few hours after i sent tt email..he posted..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

him understanding what i'm feeling..??or is it how he's feeling towards his 2nd..

she knew i sent him tt email..
she talked to him and even tried to ask if he checked his mails..
but she said he havent check his mails for v long..and tt he gt a test the nx day,but he'll read it..

exact same words??such coincidence yet again..
and not just tt status..the nx few days,he still posted a disneyland video..
and in the email,i told him about what i actually thought of doing w tt ahgong tt time..
when tt ahgong said he wanted go bali and asked me go w him,i thought of wanting him to go w me to disneyland too..

not one,but two times this time..
and yet,he said,he havent check his emails for very long already..

so,we were thinking the same things??so coincident,that we thought of the same words,in just a few hours diff..
is there such things as 心有灵犀..so dumb..

and the other time,those 2 status he posted and then deleted..
and so many other statuses..

so dumb to 'think alike'..
i hate it..
but..i don't know..


so tired,really..
the little long needed getaway to bkk,wasnt enough..

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