dearest hamster minnie left us on monday..25/04/11..
she's only been with us for like less than 3 months..

don't know why so sudden..
when she was still ok,happily running around,eating so much and playing with us..
last week still put her on the floor tgt w mickey,and aunt's rabbit..
and she was the smallest,yet she wasnt afraid of them..still tried to 'squeeze' mickey..and still ate the food with them,and abit ice cream..

still gave her carrots that day morn,saw her lying there so guai,resting..
if not,normally always like to run around,climb here and there..
and i just looked at her,her tiny body,and could see her heartbeats..
and was still thinking,so amazing,such a little thing,how small would their heart be..
how would i know her resting there would have indicated that maybe something was wrong already..
i should have carried her,for the last time..=(
then at night,we were all shocked..
bro still thought she was slping,and cant believe it..
seems like her body was like tensed up,like she went in pain..
haix..
guess she must have been sick or what,but we all didnt know..

that day i still called her wrongly,called her orhorh..missing orhorh..
aunt still always saying why she wont grow fat..
but we always say she eat alot leh..thought it'll be fine..
who knows all those may be signs..
haix..poor little minnie..
that naughty little girl,always trying to stand up and want to grab and play with our fingers when we want to carry her..and also almost always want to bite..
rmb dad still played w her and she still bite dad's finger so hard,was dangling there..

byebye minnie..
missing orhorh and minnie..



27/04/11 -
today is the last day of lessons for year 2..
so fast..very very very fast..
and exams in less than 2 weeks time..
really really really tired already..
never feel so tired before..
and rly such a big barrier to cross,to overcome..


it seems like ytd when sch just started after the long hols..
and this last day,i cant help but rmb how the first day of year 2 started off..so happily..
sch started on 21/09/10,a tuesday..

the day before sch reopen last year,o was still trying to ask us out,for movie,go out,w ahgong,and gallan..the 4 of us..
didnt want to go bec mum wasnt v happy..and told tt ahgong we shd ps them and let them 2 go 'pa toh' on their own..
ended up tt ahgong pao toh me..and then still dare to msg and say he pao toh me..
and called..and i told him later o will scold me le,why he go tell her what i say..
and he still say nvm,will help me,'protect' me,and talk to o..
that ahgong was trying so hard to persuade me go also..and he just ended work..
said will go home first,then we go tgt..

but ended up,he reached home and msged..said was pissed by his mum,don't want go le..
the first time i saw that ahgong so angry somehow,scared,didnt know what to do..
msg ask him eat choc,send him his tt pic,etc..trying to cheer him up..
even gallan was saying he rly like so pissed..
so end up 2 of them went on their own..
we msged..
then becux of somethings i said..
he suddenly called in the middle of the night when i was about to slp..
and i got a shock..
the first time somehow we started to talk about random stuff..so late at night..
and i ended up cannot go back to slp when there's sch early next day..

rmb first day's lessons..got so much notes..
but after sch still carry them all and went to collect F1 tics w noobie..
and tt ahgong was msging whether want to go out or not with them..
aft work,o called and ended up unhappy again,bec i didnt want to go again..
tried calling her,didnt pick up and ahgong also..
thought he was angry too,but ended up he was talking to mum..
in the end,decided to go..and i was glad i went that day..
because it was one of the best days we spent tgt..

doing so many things..just us,when they ps-ed us..
still rmb tt ahgong was asking when i told him i went to get F1 tics..
still ask who i go with to take,go watch w who,bf or wad..asking so much..
tt first htht,the stairs at the merlion..
first time tt ahgong opened up..and got to know so much..when we weren't rly tt close..
so many things we did..so close..
esp cant forget how we walk in the middle of tt f1 track,stucked inside,surrounded by those fences..walking in rounds..
and all those strong lightings..such an experience..
if only i took a pic..

those empty streets,just us..
and tt ahgong keep asking if i'm tired..
can never forget tt day..
it was like only the 2nd or 3rd time we went out tgt..
but tt ahgong still pei me talk on the phone on the way home..
bec i didnt want him to share taxi w me..
talk as if we knew for v long..when in fact,such a short short time only..
tt 'connection','no distance' smhw,so weird..

when we were home,still msg,and both of us were hungry..
talked about wanting to cook maggi,but cant,must control..
went home so late,when still had sch the next day..

and bec of tt day,my status,was it just a dream..
and he also ended up posting stuff..
in btw we didnt msg or what..but 2 days later..
he msged to go out,not with them,just u and me,he said..
still rmb tt day jean was asking,if we had anything,or what,wait and see..
then he suddenly msged..wanted go barrage..
then i replied jean,don't need wait and see le,he just msged..

from that day,the start of the talking on the phone everyday..
and that first day,already on phone so long..
we on and off was on the ph for 3hrs+??him ordering mac?
and he still simply sang and played guitar..
that guan huai fang shi song i can never forget,the best i heard..

and the subsequent outings..tt first time out,just us,aft sch..
him msging when just woke up,and rmb the stuff he said,asking what to wear,if i was excited,etc,just made me smile looking at the msges,in the middle of the lecture..
jean msging asking me how i was feeling,scared or not,say will 'pei' me,by msging me..
ask me if i got wear nice nice or what..
and that particular moment i got off the bus,then i was facing noobie..
and she pointed behind me and ask if tt's him..then i turn around and saw tt ahgong..in white..
i can never forget tt moment..i don't know why..
everything and everything..

aft tt day out,then jean was so excited and asking me what we did..
nx day at sch,noobie was also asking..
and i was so happy..

year 2 started off to seem so perfect,so happy..
but what has happened now..totally opposite..
i still find those smiles so fake..
smiling for the sake of smiling,infront of friends..
so that they all think it's all gone already..
so fake until i really don't know how it was like to have a genuine smile,last time..
so tired..

and on fb just now,still saw my fren's previous status updates at the side..the status from last year..talking about meeting up..
and my fren so excited,happily commented saying will dig out all the info from me,about us,about that ahgong..

and i thought,how pathetic it was..
because i didnt even really got a chance to tell them about us,how we met,how we started and stuff..
i only rmb after thinking very long,to tell one fren online..
and she was so excited,happy..
still saying,they were right to always say,i'll be the first to be attached among us..
still tell me not to tell the other fren first,must tell face to face,so that she can see her expression..
i thought of wanting to see her expression too,wanted so much to tell them face to face about everything also..but ended up,i never got the chance to..
they knew abit somehow,when i told them we were rethinking again..
but all said he's a good guy to think so much,it'll be ok..

ended up,i didnt rly get to tell them our story..
didnt get to tell them all the little little things tt ahgong did,that meant so much to that ahpoh..
instead,they only got to hear of all the 'bad things' that happened..
such a drastic change..
their first impression of such a good and sweet guy,hearing the things he did,saying i so lucky,jealous,also want get bf le..
but it all totally changed..
so happy for me,and then so worried for me..


it's been more than 6 months already..so fast..
what a journey..how long i've come..been through..
yes,i havent totally get over it..
i know because it's still affecting me when she tells me stuff..
it's so hard..
but i'm still smhw back to my norm life already..
but just that each and everyday,i still have to fight so hard..
to not think of that ahgong,esp during this exam period..
but everyday i fail terribly..
and i hate myself..for thinking of him,missing him,still..
dumb dumb..
and yes,like what he said..
or rather did he used what i told him..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

no one knows how bad it feels like missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you..and esp when tt person is actually a big big baddie in everyone's eyes..how it feels like to know you're missing someone like that..but you just cant help it..how it feels like to seem so silly,if others know you're still thinking and missing him..

but that ahpoh just cant help it,cant control..
it's so so hard..
to not think,miss that ahgong,much less forgetting totally..

what a crazy journey,crazy and toughest part of my life..
so tired..
for trying so hard..to fight this..

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