It's the 2nd day of the month.
that day we decided btw 1st and 2nd.
it's cny eve.
that ahpoh had thought before how we could celeb every this day of the month tgt,before that ah gong leaves..
now,thought how good it was,if that ahgong's here having reunion dinner w my family,and celeb 'our day' too..
so dumb..i guess he doesnt even rmb what day it was..


4 mths ago..
that ahgong still wanted dinner even though it would be late already..
i said can meet another day..and that ahgong keep saying can,nvm de..said if i didnt want,then he'll go alone,showing that sad face..
so i met that ahgong for late dinner not knowing that,the ahgong would ask about it..
we got off that bus,walking back to my blk..on tt overhead bridge,o was on the ph w him and me,how tt ahgong didnt want to talk to her already,wanted to have our own time..

we sat at that first bench,and my mum called and was suspicious of where i am..and i thought that spot was 'dangerous'..so we moved to another..
we sat there..and that ahgong was hot,he still took out that sh file thingy to fan,fan us both..and i was laughing at him..
we just sat there,and talked about random stuff..
how that ahgong said he like maths..because there's always answers to those qns..
how that ahgong was still thinking about work,so stressed about work,thinking about follow ups,wanting to go back office the next day to clear his work when it was supposed to be his off day..

brought my water bottle but didnt drink any,and that ahgong was nagging..
how we ended up drinking from the same bottle,'competing' who drank more in one mouth..but that wasnt the first time we shared a drink..that first time we went out we already did..it's the first time we shared after we got tgt..
how that 'could be model' ahgong put on my hairband and i still rmb tt look,laughing at him,saying he looked so gay..
rmb how that silly ahgong once asked over the phone,if i always wear hairband,even when i go to slp..
how my hair was messy,and that ahgong..
how we sat closer and closer..
how i told that ahgong later his arms will ache,but he just said nvm,and got that ahpoh closer..and i rmb,when we got up,that ahgong was stretching those arms..and i was saying him..
how we were both sticky,from the humid weather..rmb our sticky faces..
how that ahgong said he'll put more cologne next time..and i rmb that scent of that cologne..and i said,nvm,will get used to it..
how that ahgong was whispering into my ears..so soft,i couldnt hear anything..
how that ahgong was saying if my heart is beating v fast..teaching me how to feel the pulse..
how his friends were msging,chatting,but he just ignored..

how that ahgong said,he'll be faithful..
and i rmb that stare,how we paused and stared at each other..


4 mths ago,this day,ard this time..
I just walked that ah gong to get the taxi and sent him off..
We walked from tt bench to that road at the bus stop,held hands for the first time,how we stumbled a little..
when he still said we should have probabtion till 20102010,and before that should not hold hands outside and stuff..
We stood there facing each other,happily,waiting,flagging taxi..
what we did happily..
And i walked home happily,bathed and waited happily for that ah gong to reach home,bathe and call..
I was so happy and not knowing that that happiness was so short lived,because of the things i asked and later say..
Were we too fast..do u want to think again..

Because of all that,that's why everything have to become so crazy..
and he have to do that to that ah poh..
What did all his words mean..what were they..how did it come out from him,if now it all seems like none was true,none meant anything..
And i guess he dont remember saying them,if not how did he do all these..

you said i had a bad habit of always making u guilty of ur decisions,that last day..
I really thought we just have to give it up now,because the time's not right..
I really thought that we'll be better off,to give it up now..
you were guilty of ur decisions?then how did u manage to do all these..
does it makes u feel better..

or maybe i guess,she was the one..ur better choice,ur better decision..
that's why u won't feel guilty,won't feel bad..
i didnt know it was possible..so fast..?
yes,that ahpoh shouldnt have existed in the first place..


We were on the phone,on our first day, and that ah gong said..
While he was bathing,he thought of how i said if we were too fast,hw o say start fast end fast..but he said,he didnt hear before,where gt such things..
He told that ah poh how he scared he cant commit,neglect tt ahpoh when he goes over..

We paused.
and i rmb tears welled,tears from tt overwhelmed feelings,mix of emotions..
what was i supposed to feel??what would others feel if they were in my shoes??

One moment i really felt so happy,so lucky to meet that ah gong and get tgt like that..
the next moment,the ahgong have to say such things..
but that ahpoh really never felt so lucky,happy before..

So lucky,happy to be that ah gong's ah poh..
So lucky,happy to have that dumb dumb mr yeong as my ah gong..how he said it sounded like lao gong,lao po..
So lucky,happy to hear that ahgong calling that ahpoh so many names..how he tried to copy my friends and call me gongzhu..
So lucky,happy to have him,have each other to pei each other on this long journey,our lives..
So lucky,happy to see,to think of how the sweetest dream we shared was coming true..

Yes,that moment of overwhelmed feelings.
I really didnt know what to do,what to say..totally stunned..
That pain in the heart..that ah gong didnt know..

I tried so hard to hold back those tears..wiped away those tears..

And muster all those courage to ask..
Do u want to think again..we just started..
That ahgong heard my voice and asked if i was crying..
I said no..
pretend as if i was fine..
pretend that it wasnt a big deal,since we just started..
pretend that i was so stong,that it won't affect me at all..
but the fact was,i wasnt strong at all..

i was just trying so hard to act nonchalant..

i thought i was so brave to have asked that..or rather now i think,stupid..
and i always wonder,would others have done the same as me?
and asked him,someone they like so much,to think again,not once but twice..
he said yes already,but i asked him to think again..
i chased him away..i sent him off..

who would have the courage to do something like that..
who would have done something like that..if they really like tt someone..
who would have like someone,was so happy to be with tt person,and then chase that person off like that..

i guess everybody would not have asked that and instead hold on even tighter to that person..

that ah gong make me have so many first times..
first time,i muster all those courage and admit about those feelings,wanting to be with that ahgong,wanting something good to come out of it,wanting to try it out with that ahgong,wanting to pei that ahgong because that ahpoh know he needed someone to pei him,wanting to turn that sweet dream into a reality..

first time,i have to sillyly ask someone to think about it again,consider about the rs,when we were supposedly to be tgt already,when we just started..

first time,going in and out of a rs like this..and getting hurt like never before..because of how complicated it turned out to be..and that ahpoh totally never expected it to be like this..never expected that ahgong to do all these..because that ahpoh just trusted,believed that ahgong so much..had so much faith in that ahgong..

That ah gong thought for awhile..and said we try..
Still came up w those promises and asked tt ah poh to promise him..
Promise to skype evday,to get angry..and made that ahpoh even more happy..

that day,woke up and saw that ahgong's msg,saying going to take family pic le..
happily lying on bed,smiling and msging..
asked that ahgong take pic le ma,asked him to take nice nice..
and that ahgong said,why..want to take also..?
how that ahgong said didnt want ot le,was asking to go out,but that ahpoh said the next day he got work..
then that ahgong said how that ahpoh sounded didnt want to go out,showed that sad face..

so we went out at night..the places we were,and all the things we did,i cant forget..
and that sitting outside at the bench..
how we took our first pic tgt secretly..
and i happily printed out the pic the next day..the pic's always with me in that secret place,and still in my ph..i cant bear to delete..but i guess that ahgong should have deleted all those pics..

we were there sitting side by side..under that night sky..
how that ahgong was on fb,saw what i posted and liked it and showed that face XD..and asked if others will know..i said nobody asked about it..
how that ahgong posted that status..
To be better and to be well for those that matter..faith in ya.
i didnt see what he posted,i only saw it when home..
and liked it too..

he sat beside me,and posted something like that..
what was in his mind at that point in time..
what was that ah gong thinking..
i was so happy then..really happy..thought we really wanted to do it,tgt,seriously..
faith in ya..


But now,it scares me to think,what did all those mean,how did it come out..
when she seem to mean so much more than that ah poh..when it wasnt tt long ago..
how.why.why and how is that ah gong able to do such a thing..
like that ah poh is totally gone,or even,never once existed..
if not how would he be able to do all these so happily,showing me..
the more i thought,the more i felt that ahpoh was so worthless,so pathetic..

and i really envy his first..
when that ah gong first told me about her..
how he wanted to end it,because he didnt rly like her..
she didnt wanted it,so that ah gong tried..
tried to like her and bear with her,work it out..
they were tgt so long,he still spent so much when she went abroad..

I thought she was so fortunate,so lucky,to have tt ahgong treating her so nice..
and that last time,they still met..

and tt first day,i thought i was luckier..because tt ahgong didnt get tgt w me for that reason he gt tgt w his first..
That ahpoh really thought that ah gong really like her..
That ahpoh thought we both liked each other..
how we were both asking why like each other..since when..
That ahgong said that smile,those food,bec of hw tt ahpoh went to look for him because of his customer's cases..

But if that ahgong really liked that ahpoh..
Why did he do all these,how did he do all these to that ahpoh..in such a short time..

And now,i guess his first was so much more luckier,fortunate than that ahpoh..
so much more..
And that ahpoh was nothing compared to her..
I really don't know what that ahpoh was..was it a joke..
just nothing,didnt mean anything at all,just for fun..
it just doesnt bother him at all..

02102010,i guess that one day was really the happiest day,the day i'll never forget..
or rather,maybe the craziest day,with a crazy mix of so much emotions..

i really thought..
"people that are meant to be together,always find each other in the end..
if god wants u to be tgt in four or five yrs,it doesnt matter if one of u goes to the moon,you'll be back tgt."

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