i'm so tired..

right from the beginning..it all started with 'was it just a dream'..
because of that status,that's why tt ahgong commented,'probe and pursued' and smhw things started to change..

until now,things have been added on and on,and seems like it's never ending..
it's really so crazy,so ridiculous until i ask myself,was it just a dream..
if not how can my life become like this..
i've never thought or imagine that one day,such crazy things will happen to me..
i've never thought of how this world can be so complicated,just plain crazy.
other than the word crazy,i really don't know what word to use..

if only it was all just a dream..
a sweet dream..

i'm feeling so bad towards o..
but i really dont know what to do..
hearing how jean actually conferenced call w her and rox..
to 'clear' things up..
how she actually gt so angry and hung up on them so many times..
i felt so bad..
because i know jean blamed her alot..and wasnt happy with her,not just about this rs issue but also about her character,towards her..
but i always told jean not to blame o,because i know she always call me to want to check on me,concern me,even when i already told her i didnt feel like talking,but she still called..
but yes,it's jean's personality to get angry..
and she was still so angry w her and talked it all out with her tt day..
and before tt i already couldnt face o because of the rs issue..
because i felt so 'dumb' infront of her,to step in deeper into the rs when she already warned me..
now,i feel even worse..
i rly feel so sry..not that i did anything wrong..
but i rly don't know..
i only know,she meant well all along,just tt maybe she didnt rly do it the correct way..
and said things she thought wouldnt imply anything about them,about what exactly happen,but it actually did..
i know she didnt mean it..it was all out of concern..
but i nv blame her,i just cant face her..

and i'm thankful to her..
if not for her who started 'matchmaking' me and tt dumbdumb ahgong..
we wouldnt have gone out,and those memorable outings,and sort of started and be tgt smhw,for a short time..
i wouldnt have been his ahpoh..and he wouldnt have been my ahgong..
and i wouldnt have had such a happiest time of my life..and so much sweet memories..

tt time,i rmb she told me how she was asking tt ahgong if he was a little interested in me and stuff..
and tt ahgong told her yes..and also talked about the long dist issue..
and i kept asking are u lying,or he was talking crap..
that's why she started trying to 'matchmake' us,creating chances and making us go out and stuff..
and one time she said,how tt ahgong was actually happily showing her his call summary of calling me..tt time,when he called me in the middle of the night,and talk tt first time..

yes,if not for o,we wouldnt have been tgt..
and i rly thank her so much..
even though now,everything is so out of control,so crazy..

and sometimes i wonder,if o didnt tell me those stuff and didnt say i shouldnt let others know that i know or what,would things have been different..

if i chose not to protect them,but myself..and be selfish tt once..
and told tt ahgong everything,which would explain how i felt,how and why i was so quiet about it,because i couldnt come up with any explaination and so kept quiet and acted nth happened..because i thought if there was rly anything,like what o thinks he's doing,then he would have said..
if i did all that then maybe the ahgong wouldnt think that i wasnt able to tell him stuff..and think tt things wont work out because of how i always dont tell him stuff..

then maybe things would be so much different now..
and the past 4 months would still have been the happiest part of my life..
and not such a torture,a nightmare..

all that have happened,that i've heard is just making me laugh..because of how funny,how ridiculous it is..
yes,i'm laughing and laughing at it..
if only i can just so easily laugh it all away,and feel better just like that..
but when i stop and pause awhile,then i don't find it funny anymore,somehow..

but instead i believed it so much..that's why it's not funny..
i just found it hard to believe,refuse to believe,chose not to believe what i heard..

is it better for me to believe what i saw rather than what i heard??
or maybe,it really doesnt matter anymore..??
even when i still like that ahgong,still miss that ahgong..
because deep inside,i can only remember that ahgong that i knew..and not what others say of him to be..and hoping that all those is not true..
that's why i still like him and not hate him..

why am i so dumb,so silly..
when everybody's telling me its so clear,how much he's not worth at all,now..
why..
when they all thought he was so nice,so sweet,so serious,so worthy,at the start..
why.

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