relative came over to bai nian tdy..
and as usual..always ask the same qns..
got bf??i said no..
shy huh,dont want bring home?i said no..
how i wish was still w tt ahgong,and smhw was hiding it..
so stupid to think..

saw them a few mths ago..
and tdy they said i lost weight..rly lost weight..
they ask if i was jian fei-ing..
i said no..
and i thought of how the past 4 mths was a big torture to me..
that's why and not because i rly want to jian fei..
but because of how i got so sick of eating,so disgusted of eating..
felt so disgusted by what happened,hungry but still no appetite..
and one point,i could eat and think of it,till tears almost came out..
and everything i ate,it didnt stay there..
and i thought i undstd some saying above getting indisgestion,from unhappiness?
less than one meal per day??forcing urself to eat..
that was how bad it is..
that's why..

or maybe i didnt lose weight..
just look super cui..
i don't know..
but now i know how bad it was,how much i've been through..
and i'll never forget..
and i hope this will never happen anymore..
i guess like auntie vicky,because of her experience tt's so similar to mine,bt in terms of friendship..
both of us will end up more doubtful or rather more careful w everything already..
even had deja vu,when w auntie vic ytd,deja vu about how we were talking about this similar thing..
so funny,so coincidental how both of us,bff,have to go thru such thing at almost the same time..
to experience,to grow,to learn tgt,to ask each other..
be there for each other..
that's what friends are for..


i think i'm crazy..from this crazy thing..or will be crazy soon if this still continues..
so funny how i'm actually asking the girl to go try it out some more since she says she was serious and love him..
and how she said he was also,saying how he said he miss her,love her,will not break if he didnt go aust..
but she thought he's crapping..
so funny,how i'm actually asking someone else to go after that ahgong that i like..
so funny,how i'm actually asking this girl tt somehow hurt me so much,'betray' me,to go after tt ahgong..
so funny..
she was the one who was asking if i still like tt ahgong..asking if i did,maybe i shd cont and 'jio' and maybe tt ahgong will be touched somehow..
but why should i when she's saying hw tt ahgong's telling her they arent going separate ways and stuff..
why should i,when tt ahgong likes her,or rather love..and not tt ahpoh anymore..?or maybe never..

what am i doing..
am i too nice,too crazy or pure stupid??hahax.
cant believe i'm actually asking her to do that,when i still like tt ahgong..
since she loves him..since tt ahgong loves her..
but she just cant trust tt ahgong anymore..and its not possible anymore,she said.
or is it true,that the ahgong still love,cant forget tt ex..
so complicated..



and yes what's the point in knowing the truth,others say..
and i did thought so too..

but it does matter somehow..

because i wish tt i can get to know the truth..
the truth that i'm right..that the ahgong cant be like this..
that i was right in believing so much in tt ahgong..
and that auntie vic is right too..
she believe in him so much,sooooo much..
until i find it amazing,when she don't rly know him,but only talk to him that once and only hear frm me about him..
but she said she believe her sixth sense..
and i said it may be wrg..
even when i'm doubting that ahgong because of how true her story is..
auntie vic still trust,believe him so much..
saying its too extreme le..
i really dont know..

because i've always carried that little hope inside me..
because right from the beginning,i've rly wanted to wait,and still actually go apply for the uni..
had been regretting so much,for not going aust then and chose sim..
then this time i thought how nice it would be..it i could 'fulfill' tt dream and tgt w tt ahgong..
how nice it would be..
but i guess i was too silly..

because i don't want to move on with those sweet memories,that i thought it was true..
and now it all have to seem so fake..
maybe it was true..but i rly dont know..

that's why somehow it does matter..


but what if,it all was true..
and all those sweet memories,will just become my worst nightmare..
and i cant even look back and smile and be happy at how sweet it was..

auntie vic saw what i was talking to her about..
read about the things he did..
and said he was really sweet,really sweet..if it was true..
tt's why i told her,now u should know why it was so hard for me to let go,to forget..
cause he was so nice,did so much,and esp when i didnt do much for him..
or rather wanted to,thought so much of what to do,but havent got to,won't get to do..

auntie vic still said,don't think he's playing w u,maybe her,but nt u..
but i rly don't know..he didnt seem like playing w her also,he even seemed more serious w her??
she just believe him so much!!so funny..

yes, i do believe the him that i saw was the real him,too..
but it's just tt her story is too real..to not believe it..
yes i smhw cant accept still,but i smhw believe..

and i even pity her..from how she said he treated her..
because that bad side i never saw from tt ahgong..maybe i wasnt as hurt as her..?
but i still thought,they've done too much to me..
and hurt me too much..her hurt cant be more than mine..
she didnt know how bad,how crazy it was for me..he didnt know also..
so how can i even pity her,even when she's had to do w hurting me too..??

but yes,i still pity her..feel bad..
when i didnt do anything wrong..
haha.i'm laughing at how silly i am..


but..
i believe her story??and i believe the him that i saw??
i'm so contradicting..
bt then,there must be a reason behind everything..
there must be a reason why he treated us so differently??


so,the qns is,to know or not to know..
to ask or not to ask..

maybe ignorance is bliss?
know less is better?
but i don't think i'm knowing any less now..


and tt ahgong posted stuff,seems to be related..
too coincidental already,and the things he say are too 'similar'..


'Ask them lesser questions and will get lesser answers.
But why ask more, when less is more?
guess what's more is when you stop asking anymore.
Sorry; ya i guess i understand your predicament.
but i guess; saying/asking matters. its cold. its freezing cold.'


'Ya but still we all wait; but how would it be for me to read the unreadable;
said tell me; cuz thoughts aren't words on paper.
But still get well; and I do hope he will be well too.
I've been praying; and hope some faith helps.'


if it's about this,then i didnt know he was still concerned,i didnt know he would still bother to see..
since he shd just be worried about her or tt ex..
maybe he wasnt saying about this..
maybe i'm still silly as always..

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