my ah ma with uncle and family must be on the plane to korea now..
last year it was us with auntie,cousins and family..
seldom visit dad's mum,ahma..always only w mum's side,popo..
went w sis to visit her just now..
gave her 'hongbao' w korean money and spore money,for her to use when she's there..
although she keep saying dont need,never show her happiness..
but we know she's happy..

keep asking why my sis never come play cards with,ask her to play with her..
i guess it was because of ahma..that madee me like coffee so much..
the whole tan family likes too i guess..
rmb when young,parents working,so often stayed at her house..
and every morn she'll make coffee,black coffee,bec she liked it too..
and she'll give it to me using that small cup i still rmb,always saying we still young,cant drink so much coffee..
and i guess,i somehow still rmb that smell of that kopi o she makes..using that machine..
missing it..
she's getting old..
but still so strong..that ahma that sat w me on a 360 deg turn coaster ride..
but i'm so scared of that day..i hope it'll still be long..


how i wish i can follow along with them too..
how i wish we can go on a holiday again this cny..
so sick of here..
this disgusting place..this scary place..
i'm so sick of it..so tired..
really hate what's happening..what's going on..

but what can i do..
i cant do anything..
i just didnt have the right to make any decision right from the beginning..
i can only and just try so hard to bear with it all and continue to let them do all these to torture me..

why must it happen to me..
when i had so much trust,so much faith in that ah gong..
and he had in me too..'faith in ya..'
when that ah poh didnt do anything wrong..
why..

bro have been 'playing' skype with his friends..
and i hated to see..
because i'll think of how i wanted to learn to use it when that ah gong asked me to promise..
i'll just keep thinking of how that ah gong asked that ah poh to make that promise..
saying we must skype everyday ok..
how that ah poh didnt answer immediately..
and that ah gong was anxiously asking ok ok..must ok..asked me to promise him..
asked me to promise to get angry when he neglects me..so that he can make me happy..
and how that ah gong said he'll be happy to do that..to 哄 that ah poh and make her happy..
and i really found it so funny,'cute' to make such a promise..
but was actually so happy,really happy..

because it showed how that ah gong was really serious about doing it,working it out w ah poh,serious about that ah poh..
that silly ah poh thought that ah gong really wanted to cherish that ah poh,like what his friends said..
and it really showed ah poh that the ah gong was worth it..was someone she wanted,was worth waiting..was worth to be with..
that's why that ah poh didnt want to give up just like that,wanted to cherish such a meeting..
really wanted to cherish that dumb dumb ah gong,so much..


but then what happened..why did it happen..
that's why that ah poh found it so hard to believe,up till now..
and it hurts so much,up till now..




"You’ve got to understand that it took me a lot of courage to make myself come to the realization that everything that I’ve ever wanted and needed is found within you.
And for me to put everything aside again,everything that you once broke, is a remarkable task that took a lot of strength and faith in me.
They say sometimes people put walls up, not because they want to block people out,but because they want to see who cares enough to knock them down.
You know me like no one else does because I never was able to let anyone in, and you don’t even know how glad and thankful I am that I gave you the chance.
You stayed at our best, yet you stuck at it at our worse, and proved to me what truth in love still has.
The sky is the limit and true love really is forever. "


i told that ah gong..
it took me alot alot alot of courage to think through it..
i was so scared since the last..
i thought through so much, 'was it just a dream..'
should i just left it at there..or continue.. be brave..
and tell that ah gong when he asked about that status,somehow confessing..
i muster all the courage i had to do sth like that..
the first time doing sth like that..
and the ah gong didnt know,didnt care how hard it was for that ah poh..
and ended up,bringing hurt to myself,like this..
and ended up,things have to become so crazy,so complicated..
and it doesnt bother them..

it took that much courage for me to say it out..


but i guess it'll take even much more courage for that ah poh to walk the long journey herself now,without that ah gong with her,standing by her..
when that ah gong had said before he'll stand by that ah poh,after that ahpoh had asked him to think again..

why didnt he keep his promises..when that ah gong was the one always asking ah poh to make promises..
when that ah poh thought that to that ah gong,promises meant alot to him..and he'll keep his promises..if not why ask that ah poh to make such promises..

when it was supposed to be our long journey that we wanted so much to walk together..
and be there for each other..

"to be better and to be well for those that matter..faith in ya."

what did it mean..
what did that ah gong mean..

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