another whole day out.
how i wish everyday is like that and it would be so good.
stop thinking for just a moment..
went to guan yin temple w mum and aunt..
studied at starbucks waiting for sotong..and coffee bean w aunt at night again..and thought if only..
havent been to temple for quite some time..
so woke up early to go w them..
wishing that everything will go well this year,for my family and friends..
esp sotong shing and his dad..
and also for myself,that hopefully this year will be better..
and i will slowly 'recover'..

and yes,i was silly to even wish that everything will go well for tt ah gong..
for him to have a safe trip,and everything will be ok when he's there..
so dumb..

when we got tgt,that ah poh had thought so much,thought so far..
thought she would be able to nag at that ah gong when he's there,when we skype everyday..
but now i cant..

nagging at him to have proper meals..to cook and eat well since its exp to eat out there..
even thought of finding nice and easy recipes and make into a scrapbook for him..so he can cook..
so he can take good care of himself over there..and not get sick so easily..
wanted to nag at that ah gong to not smoke so much..esp when he's stressed..
wanted to nag at that ah gong to not drink so much..
how he always got so red aft just drinking a little..and like almost drunk..
wanted to nag at him,like last time,when he's sick..
to take his medicine,not to eat ice cream..not to go starbucks,mc is for him to stay home and not go out..
and how that ah gong was so guai to listen to that ah poh..
even when he said that ah poh was naggy..even when he said not listening,just reading..but that ah gong still said he listened,in the end..
wanted to nag at him to not study so hard and forget to take care of himself,dont always slp so late..
wanted to nag at him,to 'take care' of him..
wanted to be by that ah gong and pei him and wanted that ah gong to stand by that ah poh..
and walk this long journey together,live the dream we shared together..
and the journey would have been so much easier and meaningful..
and it would be the most beautiful dream coming true..

that ah poh was so silly to have thought so much,so far..but that ah gong didnt know..
that ah poh thought so much,beacause she was so happy,she thought that ah gong was really serious about it,thought so far..
beacuse of how he asked if i'll wait,even before we got tgt..and all the things he said..
she thought that ah gong was it..
that's why that ah poh muster so much courage to tell him what i felt,when he asked about my status..
that's why she thought so much..wanting to do so much with that ah gong..

that ah poh didnt tell all these to that ah gong..
didnt want him to know..didnt want to stress him further..
didnt want him to know how tt ah poh was actually so serious about it..

just still 'easily' told him to think again,and again..and acting as if it was so easy to ask..
so easy to ask someone u like to consider again,ask him to think whether we should walk away from each other..
or rather 'asking him to consider walking away from me'..
when that ah poh really wanted that ah gong to fulfill his promise to stand by her..
when that ah poh really wanted to stand by that ah gong,and pei him,too..

all those things i wanted to do,i never ever got to tell him..
and he wouldnt know,forever..
and it won't mean anything to him,anyway..

if it did,then he wouldnt have did such a thing.

i guess to him,it just shows how silly and stupid i was..



sotong shing is so strong..so strong until not all sotongs know about what happened..
so much stronger than me when her situation is so much more crazier than me..
sotong shing was with me all the way, trying so hard to cheer me up that period of time..
was like auntie vicky,keep telling me, that we should try,try and try..and not give up like tt..
how both of them saying can go with me to aust for hols,and i can visit him too..
and i just said i want to,so much wanted to try..but it wasnt up to me..
and when she know he didnt want to try anymore..
she just kept explaining to me..like what he said..
how he tried before..that's y he know how it'll be like..
sotong shing likes to eat..trying to cheer me up..using eating buffet as example..
saying if one tried before a buffet that wasnt nice..we wouldnt go back for a second time ah..
just like how he tried long dist before,he know it wouldnt be easy..that's why he didnt want to try,scared,to hurt me in the end..

but things wasnt what we all thought ah..
and somehow aft sometime,shing thought maybe what they say about them was true,when at tt time it wasnt rly cfm,and i still didnt believe..
i still cont to tell her it's not..it cant be..
and how shing thought i was angry because of the things she said..
time to time,she'll just msg and check on me..
and use all ways to msg funny stuff,trying to cheer me up..ask me smile..
and i was really glad and thankful to have met sotongs,in jc..in tt place where ppl said was hard to find true and good frens..


and now,i really don't know how to help her..i cant do much..
i cant be like her explaining,to her why her dad have to go through sth like this..
it cant be explained.this is really life.it's all predestined,life and death.
yes,death,something we all have to face someday..
but isnt it abit too early for her dad..

when her daughter is already in her final year,final lap in uni..
when he can really see and be comforted and proud of her daughter..
when he can really start enjoying life a little and have her daughter helping him lessen the burden,providing for him..

why did it have to happen to him..
when he didnt drink,smoke..
when he's a good dad..
when they have a happy family..

why..
why did it all happen so suddenly..
why must bad things happen to good people..
when they didnt do anything wrong..

why do we deserve a joke like this..
it's not funny at all..


they went all the way overseas and thought there was a suitable treatment..
when there was a glimpse of hope..the door was closed upon them again..

why.
the docs said the risk was too great and didnt want to accept their case..
then back in spore,the doc said they cant do anything anymore..
chemo can only delay..cant cure..it was spreading all over and it's the last stage already..
he'll go anytime..
why did they just give up like that and not do anything..not take the risk to try out that only one treatment..
why did they just wait like that..and not do anything at all..

why did this have to happen to them,in the first place..

why cant we do anything to help them..
i can only ask shing how is she..ask her to be strong..
and she'll just say she's fine..showing me a smiley face..
when i really know how she's feeling..
saying fine when she's not..smiling when it's just a facade to not let us worry..
i know how hard it is,for her..but there's really nth much for us to do..
i've been going through it too..
but i guess she's so much stonger than me..so much more stronger...

if i were her..i know i'll really collapse..

and i guess the only thing we can do know..
is hoping and praying for miracles..

that song auntie vic asked me to listen,that gave me so much strength,faith and pulled me through my alvls period..
and that period..i was listening to that again..and nothing's gonna change my love for you..
too silly.

i can only help sotong pray and wish that somehow,maybe a miracle will happen..
JIAYOUS SOTONG SHING,WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE..

"...There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way clear through the rain .."



i hate signing in to that place now..fb..
it's so disgusting..
it's so scary..
i hate it..

it was supposed to be where we somehow started..

why did it have to become such a scary place like this now..
why did that ah gong have to make it like this..how can he..
why did they have to make it like this..
why does she seem to mean so much more to that ah gong..
how did it happen..how could it..why her..


what exactly was that ah poh???
nothing..

when they should know i can see..
why doesnt it bother them at all..

but it bothers me so much..
but i just cant delete..

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