grandma went back to ipoh tdy for visiting and spending cny there..
and i was thinking..i should have went with her..
i need a holiday so badly..
to get away from this crazy place for even just awhile will do..
have been going overseas every cny since like pri sch..??
rmb always didnt get to see those cny celeb in sch..
but this year..first time not going anywhere..
why this year..when i need one holiday so badly..


jean's leaving for her 1 yr beijing internship soon..
met up w her and shir for dinner..
4 of us were supposed to be so close,tt working period..
but now..3 of us,without o..
because they slowly,somehow got angry and pissed w her..
since tt time while we were still working..
i was still telling them..this is her character..she's like that de..
we know her..she's our friend..so just bear with it ah..
why strain the friendship like this..
so they all just bear with it..

until now..they all just cant stand her anymore..
and i cant do anything..but just feel so bad..
i'm not angry with her or what..
i just don't know how to face her because of that incident..
because of how she was telling me about how she think he is really like..
and how it turns out to be like now..and i just feel so ashamed of myself..
just don't know how to face her..what to say to her..
cause i just feel so silly and dumb infront of her..

and how jean is angry at her also because of that incident..
how she kept checking on me randomly..asking me stuff..
asking if i still believed him..
and i said it was supposed to be over already..
so what if i believe him,so what if i don't..he decided and there's nth i can do..
and i asked her why she suddenly asked that..is it bout the 2 of them..
because i know she must have her reasons for suddenly asking me tt..
but she just said nth..nth..and nth..

and when jean just so happened to see a fren and heard about it,so coincidentally not long aft o ask me that..
and i wonder and wonder..why did jean get to meet that fren like tt and him telling her so much..
wonder if jean meeting the fren was 'specially arranged' by god..
to want me know the truth..and i thought will it be better if i didnt know..

after tt meeting,jean then undstd why o asked me that..and it took her sm time before she decided to tell me..bec she know i believed in him so much..
and jean was angry bec o knew about it..but just didnt tell me..instead,just ask me those qns..
i know o just didnt want me to get hurt some more..tt's why didnt want to say..
but jean thought if she didnt want me to get hurt further..then she shouldnt have asked sth like that..
when she shd know i definitely would think what happened..for her to ask me that..
that's why jean got even more angry with her..and i feel bad for that too..
because i know o meant well somehow..

and then she called again recently,and said how she heard that i know about them..
and i was wondering..how would she know..that i know about them..
when jean couldnt have told her..how did she know..or was there anything going ard in office..cant be..just don't understand what's happening..
why did she ask me that..
first she didnt want to tell me,then now when i know..she asks me..

what am i to say??
yes..i know..
yes..i was stupid to have believed in that ah gong so much??
yes..you were correct about him right from the beginning??


and i could only say..
it doesnt bother me anymore what they want to do..


when i know that was so fake..
so fake..
i couldnt have got over it so fast..
when i thought of that ah gong everyday,when i always wanted to wait..

it bothered me so much..haunted me so much..
it was killing me..when i heard about it..
i was holding on to that ph,shaking..
i said i was ok,and jean knew i wasnt,didnt want to hang up..
wanted to come over..but i told her not to..later my parents will know..
i could only lock myself in the room..and hide under that blanket..and hide those swollen eyes..
it was so crazy..so scary..
i felt so er xin..
i felt like i was living in a world of lies they created for me..
i felt so dumb,so stupid,so silly..


and i've never have to feel all that before..never.
never felt so xin ku before..
why did i have to hear all that..
it's so disgusting..


because of all that..and so many other things..
that's why jean and shir didnt want to talk to her anymore..
and for me,i'm not angry at her,never blame her for asking me things and not telling me when she knew about it..
i just really really really don't know how to face her..i'm so scared to look like a fool infront of her..
and some frens in office..how i'm so scared to face them too..
i don't know if they know anything..but i guess some do..
and i wonder,what do they really know..
to them,am i like the real baddie,not her..
i don't know..


was waiting at that bus stop..waiting for that same bus to bishan mrt..
that same journey on that day,my fren's bday..
that day where that ah gong could hear and notice sth was wrong on the ph..

was sitting there waiting..
and rmb how i was sitting there too,and that ah gong called aft wk tt day..
and asked how i was going..
and he asked why i sounded so sianx..and i just said i was tired..
but he somehow knew i was nt happy..and said sry,told me why he didnt reply..

bec i msged him in the morn tt day..because tt ah gong came up with a 'punishment'..
how i didnt go find him when i went back to office..only tapped him when leaving..
then he came up with a silly punishment..
saying that ah poh shd msg him for 5 days,everyday,when she wakes up..

i msged that morn..bt he didnt reply because his phone lag..until aft wk..
and i rmb sitting on the sofa doing my tut..and was waiting and waiting..
but he just didnt reply..and i was worried if he gt so stressed at work,wondering what happened..
until aft wk,when his ph got all the msges..he talked to me..
heard sth was wrong..and kept explaining..

at tt time,we haven't known each other that long,and only just started talking on the ph for a few days..
but he could hear sth was wrong just like that..


i thought of how he explained..msging to say sry..hw we were msging beside each other..
even msging and asked him if he wanted ice cream..
and nudging,staring at each other,smiling..
and then act as if nth was happening,infront of frens..
and all the things he said..
and how happy i was actually..

i thought of how when we were still there sitting ard,how he msged again to ask if i was going to cont to stay out w them..
whether i was tired..
i thought of how frens were there and i was paiseh to ask him if he wanted to go too..
bec i know he was waiting to go off w me and i just walk off myself..
how my fren was scolding me..saying u noe he's waiting for u..why leave yourself..
i said everybody's there,i can go myself and walked away..
bt he came and left w me to take cab..and others smhw saw,knew..
how he cont to say sry..talking on the cab home..how he funnily ask if i was 'inside' the house already..
how he reached home le bt forgot to msg straight..then say sry..i said nvm..but he said hw can nvm!
and we cont to talk again..

i thought of that ah gong..how he was like..how i knew him to be..
and yes,tears inside..

i hate myself for being so useless.

orchard again.starbucks coffee again.that stretch of orchard road from hard rock..
and i can rmb how we were walking and talking,how that ah gong was holding on to my file and holding that big bag of breadtalk bread..
when he was buying bread,wanted to tell him i worked there before..
thought next time can tell him,but i never ever got the chance to tell him..and ask about what he worked before..

was sitting at the starbucks staring at that road,thinking..
and jean was asking shir if she got over her ex already..
she said yes..
and then shir asked me..
and i smiled..and said was it even considered as one??
when i know inside,it was..
and i know..i haven't get over it..
how shir was saying she saw them in office before..
what were they doing..standing there talking..and how they seem to have sm prob..
we were having porridge but i just lost my appetite..
when i heard it,felt so er xin..

thinking of how they did it..how that ah gong could do it..
why.

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