'Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,the things you are,the things you never want to lose.'

tt day went w mum and aunt to guai yin temple..
and again..
like the last time i was there..and tt time in bkk at the four face buddha..
i cant forget but actually pray and wished everything to be well for tt ahgong over there..
not just for my family,but for him also..
and i feel so dumb,so so dumb..
it feels like doing a 'bad thing'..
like why care and still pray and wish tt everything's well for someone tt 'killed me'..
smhw like helping a criminal..

even though everything's against him..
deep inside,i still want to believe in tt ahgong somehow,wishing my belief isnt wrong..
tt he cant be so bad..tt he couldnt have changed so much..

was watching bones,and one of the main characters,booth said..
'people dont really change..we like to believe they do,but they don't..'

all these times,i've been thinking bad of him,to try and convince and get myself to hate tt ahgong,and forget him..
thinking that he rly changed,he isnt tt ahgong i got to know anymore..
but it's so hard..tt 'good ahgong' always came back in my mind..
and i just have to lie to myself,tt he's rly bad rly bad..to make it easier for myself..

but the thing is,is it rly tt easy for someone to change so much in such a short time..
personality,a person's character,nature don't just change like this..
it's developed over time..and needs time to change as well..like evolving smhw..
isnt it like a habit..
we dont nurture a habit overnight,or get rid of it overnight..
or maybe inside him,the real him is the 'bad him',that she saw..
not tt good ahgong that i was with,tt i saw..
so then,was it all his pretence..such good pretence??for what??
if he could be the way he was when he was w me..
then isnt it like what auntie vic said..
his ben xing/nature is not bad..??

such ironies and contradictions that i can never understand..


just cant help it..
but still always wonder how's tt ahgong doing,did he get sick again,is he taking good care of himself..
esp now,its winter over there..and tt ahgong's so scared of cold..
tt time when we were tgt,silly me even thought i could learn knitting from aunt and make a scarf for tt ahgong..
thinking tt i wont be w him,to cover him w my jacket like the 2 times in cinema..
so silly..
now i can just think if he's wearing enough..and not catch a cold..


aft tt first time he got sick over there..
was so worried..
but i couldnt talk to him,and i guess he wont reply..
he'll only call and talk to her when he's troubled,stressed,or what..
the only thing i could do,was thinking so hard,then deciding to be 'thick skinned' to send a msg to his roomie..
asking him a favour to 'help me' take care of him,or look out more for him,since he always get sick so easily..
telling him tt ahgong likes ice cream,always easily stressed,emo,slp late..
and of cux telling him not to tell tt ahgong tt i sent him tt msg..

at first he said he was so worried when he saw tt ahgong sick,and got me more worried..
then he told me tt ahgong was better already,and said he could tell if he's ok,saying he'll joke and smile..
and it was so nice to hear about it..
and made me feel better knowing tt someone's there to look out for him..


silly me..but that was the only one thing i could do..

Newer›  ‹Older