now that exams are over..
it feels even more empty..
there's nth to work for,work towards or any work to think of..
to keep myself busy..
just feel like it's rly rly empty..

sotong gathering ytd aft so long..
awhile ago..auntie vic already told me bout sotong wh getting a potential bf soon..
quite soon aft she just broke w her previous,our classmate..
and then ytd she cfm n told us..
the guy told her to give him an ans aft the exams,like setting a date..
and when ahma heard,thought it was funny to set a date..
but said,worst,her fren actually set a date for break up..
saying if they didnt settle their prob by a date,they should break..
does setting a date helps??

i just think of how at tt ahgong house..
he kept asking me to give him a date..for him to think through and give me an ans..
but i didnt give him a date..
because i didnt want to force or stress him,just wanted him to think properly,slowly..
like right from the beginning..
even though as much as i wanted it,i didnt tightly grab hold of it and not let go,didnt tell him,didnt think for myself once..
instead,just told him to think again,like it wont matter much to me..

and now,i just think about it,and it just makes me dun undstd even more,so funny..
why did he ask me to give him a date..
when according to her,at tt time,he was already making his move on her..
why asked me for such things when u already want to give up..
does it make u feel better,doesnt it make u feel more guilty??
or what exactly were you thinking..

why asked if i rly wanted to try..
why asked and said so much silly things tt day,and all ur actions,tt meant so much..
why so stupid to make someone more hurt by asking her tt,when u are alrdy 'having fun' w someone else..
why,when u totally had no reason to say all those,when u already decided her..
why did u say that..you could have said nth at all..

why did u have to say all those and hurt her more and make her seem like a fool now..
hearing all those and then thinking back at how you said all those stuff,and how i judged how you felt from your actions,words,then..
like a fool that cant judge what's right and wrong..
like a fool that cant tell lies,crap from truth..
like a fool that can only hear things from other ppl,like her mind have to be manipulated by ppl..
she cant decide whats wrong..she can never..
like a fool..
is it so fun..
i believed you,so much..
but i just cant help but feel like a fool..

you'll never know you've put me through..no one will..
putting me through this crazy thing tt's following me all these months..
haunting me..
you'll never know how pain it is..
and her..i know she's a victim too..
how she's telling me how she feel her life is being ruined by him..
how hurt she is..i know..i sympathise her..
but she'll never know what kind of hurt i went through,what they put me through..
so much so that,i dont know if its comparable..
yes,i know their 'diff kind' of rs..must have made it hurt more..
but i just cant help but think,when they were tgt tt time,enjoying themselves..
esp tt xmas season..when they were so happy tgt..
what was i feeling,doing..
feeling so disgusted,nauseous at the sight of food or maybe inside the toilet,crying,or trying to hold back my tears infront of my family,and putting on tt fake smile,pretending i'm happy happy,when i'm not..
no one will know how pain it is to pretend to laugh and smile,when u're not at all happy,when inside it's burning pain..
because you just wanted to be strong infront of others,and family,and didnt want them to worry..
it's crazy..like hell..

while u all were celebrating xmas tgt..
i could only rmb how tt ahgong asked bef what i wanted for xmas just nice 3 mths in adv tt day..
rmb how i was on the ph w him at the mrt station..heard tt train is coming,courtesy campaign song thingy..
told him sounds like xmas..
and he asked what present i want for xmas..
rmb was smiling about it when he asked,who would sillyly ask about xmas present when it was 3 mths later..
and was thinking what would he get me,if i didnt tell him..
and tt was what i got..

time aft time,i told myself i should hate tt ahgong,hate them as much as i can to make things easier for me,and forget them forever..
but i just fail terribly..
esp when i rmb tt ahgong's msg to vic,asking her to tk care of me real well..
it just make me believe a little,think that tt ahgong cant be tt bad,it couldnt be the real him,that she's telling me..
beacause that action of his..
that him..was the REAL him,that ahgong that i got to know of..
it's so diff from the him tt she told me..that he later changed to..
so so so diff..and it's so scary..
i hate to accept it..


wh was telling sotongs all the sweet things her bf did..
yes,alot more touching things than those tt ahgong did..
and it just reminded me of those tt ahgong did..
wh said about what he did when he felt he made her angry one time..
and i just cant help bt rmb how tt ahgong was sitting beside me and msged me and said sry because i sounded angry bec he didnt reply my msg..
and aft tt still kept saying sry..
it was also so sweet,someone msging u sry,when u're just sitting side by side..
and esp we didnt know each other v long,but tt ahgong could notice sth was wrong just over the ph..
wh and her bf knew each other for quite some time already..
it could have been easier..

other sweet things,tt ahgong did also..tt made me smiled from deep inside,like a silly girl..
like those sweet stuff wh's bf did..
and all the crazy memorable things we did and experienced tgt..
but why did tt ahgong do all those sweet things,and ended up like this..
in just a short time..it's crazy..

again,why is it so easy for others..



I don't hate you,I never could.
I don't regret meeting you,I never will.
That ahpoh will never regret meeting that ahgong.

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