steamboat steamboat steamboat..
3 steamboats already..and today's only sat..
another one seems to be on the way on chu qi..

so that's how it's like to spend cny in spore..
eating eating and eating,steamboats,snacks..
those empty shops,shopping centres,closed coffee shops..
seeing grps of ppl on the streets in nice new clothes,holding oranges..
going to the river hongbao thing that has almost nothing,for the first time..
so that's how spore celeb cny,in such a boring way..
the only fun thing,is our baby cousin..all crowding around him,playing w him..
i still prefer abroad..
and cousins are all complaining about it,not going anywhere this year..
all wishing that we are in korea..playing w the snow..

all these cny sights seem so weird,unfamiliar..

went visiting today..and mum's godma was asking if i hv a bf..
every year i have been saying no,no and no..cause they all dont know..
i said no again this time,when last year i thought about how i could have said yes..
last year when we started having sth..how that ah gong said he spent 2 cny w his first..
i thought i could celeb a diff cny w that ahgong,this year..and go bai nian tgt..
seeing those couples on the streets going bai nian tgt,i just thought of that ah gong..
and i just felt so stupid..

when i said no,i was smiling happily..that fake smile..
saying no to mum's godma,saying no to aunt..
i was looking at aunt,saying no..
and i felt so guilty..i thought of how i told her no..
when she asked me if i had a bf on our second day..
how i asked her,why she ask..and she ans because she have a feeling..
i asked her will mummy scold if i rly have..
she said wont,if it doesnt affect sch wk..
then she said,so have huh..
i still said no..bec of how ahgong didnt want family to know first..
and i just said will slowly find a handsome one..i meant that ah gong..
i thought we would somehow solve our problem..bec we were both so serious,i thought.
and soon they'll be able to see him,that handsome one,that dumbdumb ahgong..
so i just said will find a handsome one..because..
i thought i could finally bring a bf home,the first they will know of..
i thought they can meet that ahgong and they will be happy for me too,saying he's a good guy,shuai..
i thought my auntie would be so happy and say how her feelings were so accurate..

but i was so wrong..i just thought..
it was all just my own wishful thinking..

then after i said no..
my cousin was sitting beside me..
and said i know u have bf..
i said don't have..
then she said i know u have,but break already right..
and she was saying one day she went to stalk my fb and saw stuff..
i said got nth ah..
i thought of my tt post..02102010-day one of the long journey ahead..
i thought of how i could bluff her about it..could say its sch reopen,like how some friends thought it was..
she said she wanted to show me..
but luckily she forgot..

i was so scared..
what if she told my aunt..
what if my aunt told my mum..
what am i to say?
how should i explain?

to tell them i got to know that ahgong at work place..
we gt tgt..and that ahgong said he just didnt want to hurt me..
bec he's going overseas,that's why we stepped back again..
we thought we could wait..
it was supposed to be so simple and sweet..
i thought i could tell them that,and they would think so too..

or,should i be telling them..
i got to know that ahgong..
who told me,explain so much to me,how we should not try,because the risk was too great..
and ended up doing all those stuff..
to tell them..
your daughter,your niece, was actually 'cheated' by that ahgong,or somehow two timing,if what they say was right..?
or maybe not,just dumped me after explaining so hard to me..and be tgt with someone else,soon after,or at the same time?
because i wasnt the one..

what would they think,what would they feel,when this will be the first they know of..
what would they think next time..they would be so worried for me about next time..
would they have expected me to be so strong,bear with it for so long and still trying hard to overcome it,and acting so well all these time..
would they know that it's still haunting me so much each and everyday..barely surviving..

because their dearest daughter,niece..
still havent got any answers..
still havent understood what happend..
cant accept..
cant believe..

just cant understand..

why me.
why happen to me.
why me why me why me.
why that ahpoh have to be the first one.
that ahgong had two gfs before..it didnt happen to them at all..
that ahgong was so upset over the last..so faithful smhw??
then why,how did that ahgong do such a thing to that ahpoh??
just because she wasnt the one?and he can do such a thing to hurt her like crazy..

no one know how bad it was,how crazy it was,this whole time..
because i just seem so much stronger..infront of everybody..
just seem..
when at times,i did think of giving up..because of how tired i was,from that craziness inside that was really unexplainable..
so pain,i don't know how to say.don't know how to explain..
just swollow it,swollow it,swollow those tears,wipe and wipe away those tears..
until my eyes hurt from those wiping..

and that ahgong just doesnt know how much hurt he've inflicted on that ahpoh..
and it doesnt bother him..he just still live happily each day..
worried about her..?feel bad towards her..?thinking about her?
because she mean so much more..?
nothing about that ahpoh..

no sorry.no explaination.no nothing.
he can just live with it forever..
only he knows all the answers..and he's so selfish to keep it all inside..

how can that ahgong that i know of be like this..to treat that ahpoh like this..
that ahgong that kept saying he wasnt a good guy,he's a bad guy..
so is this what he means???
so what happened to the 2 gfs..they wasnt hurt like what happened to me..

why me..
what wrong did i do..
to admit about those feelings to that ahgong was that first mistake that cause myself all these misery??

and that her..
makes it seem like she's the victim..the innocent one..
then what am i?
i did all these to myself?
because i deserved it?
all these are my karma..
and i caused her to be so hurt now?

when did i ever did something wrong to have such karma..
when the least i could do was to swear and scold them infront of the com screen,infront of my friends..
did i..?i never once did..
rather,my friends were the ones scolding them..wanting me to scold them..
i just couldnt bear to do it,couldnt bring myself to scold them..
i really hate myself,for being so useless..thats why ppl bullied u like this..

what did i do before..
what were the stuff she did before..
what am i compared to her..
then why me..
i should be the victim..the innocent one..
but instead,why does it seem like i'm the baddie,the villian..

that's why all these have to happen to me.
that's why i have to be tortured like this,time after time..


i always let it slip away..
the first i asked if he was joking,and ans no..
the second i thought it was like the first also..and bec of what friends thought..
the third,i don't know what to say..it was so crazy too..

why.
what did i do wrong.that god have to play with me like this.i'm so tired of this game.

why me.

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