i hate sitting on the bus,listening to music.
i hate it so much..
so many times..i've heard songs and thought bout stuff until i almost really wanted to break down..
those tears really wanted to come out..
i hated it..

i'm hating sch to start again..on tues..
that very first time sch started last year..
it was so different.
that first day in sch..went out and then out again..
sitting at that stairs htht w tt ahgong,went home late,when there was still sch the nx day..
and the following tues..was our first time out..that happy day..
but this coming tues..
i won't be meeting tt ahgong aft sch like tt tues..
i won't even be sending him off..
when we gt tgt,i thought of how that day will be like and rly want to see him off..
but now..
i just won't be seeing him anymore..
and it hurts so much..
to not even see and talk for one last time..to that someone so dear..
that ahgong..

we'll just go back to strangers like we once were..
i guess this was what fate wanted for us..to play a joke on me..

i hated going sch..aft all those..bec tt ahgong's house is so near..
it seems so near yet so far..
and i always rmb tt day at his house..

we both stay on same level,and our unit num smhw similar,he didnt know..

it seems like everyone around have been getting attached one after another..
having something since last year,or being tgt since awhile ago until recently they all just give everybody surprises..
it seems like all from last year..
first sotong xh,secretly keeping it from us for so long till they actually got tgt,to other classmates,and other ppl..
they all are happily announcing,still happily tgt,letting friends know after things 'stabilise'..
we too had sth,gt tgt,didnt want others to know first..
i thought after some time,i could give my friends a surprise too..
but what happened..

yes,it was a surprise to many when they smhw knew we smhw started..
happy for me to find that ahgong..all saying,agreeing that he was a good guy..

but even a greater surprise to them all,about what later happen..
the greatest surprise to that ahpoh..such a crazy bad 'surprise'..

why are others still so happily together..and why must mine be like this..
and so crazy..
i really don't know why..

saw what auntie vic commented and tears was rolling inside..
saying how she wasnt rly here w me these few mths,and years..
i thought back about last time,since we all met in jc..
i thought back..
and there wasnt rly any big problems tt i faced for them to have to be w me like this..

i felt so ashamed..
to think about how i cried infront of friends i've known for so long,for the first time since they've known me..
nothing like this have happened before..
they've never seen this side of me before..
never.
that girl they know wasnt like this,never like this..
she was the one who always seem so happy,always smiling,never emo,always asking others to cheer up..
but now,it's the total opposite of the me they know of..
and i feel so ashamed,to have to let them see me like this..

the last one,some knew some didnt..
it was quite bad,quite dumb..
but they all didnt really knew what happened..
i guess only ahma really knew what exactly happened..
and somehow i survived through it myself..
i guess because it wasnt as crazy as this..

when all these happened..
i thought i could face it myself again..
wanted to be strong myself..
didnt want friends to see that so weak,so vulnerable side of me..
but now,they've seen it all..
that worst i could have gone..

and throughout..
it was only jean that really knew what happened,and was w me all the while,msging me almost throughout the whole day to check on me..
i guess because before all these,she had alot probs w her bf who went overseas for 3 mths..
it was smhw long dist..and they had alot probs..
and when he came back,they broke..
all along,when they started having prob..
i always told her to control ah..not to get angry so easily..
bec she had a bad temper..

they always had probs about skype-ing,bec of the bad reception and stuff..
and so many other probs..about the bf..
and i told her u all just started and then he's overseas..just bear w the probs ah,since u like him..
when he's back then ok le ma..if cant skype then can msn,or talk on ph?
i was w her..
and i didnt know such a big thing will happen to me..
and she had to pei me more than i did bec it was far crazier..


somehow,frm jean exp..i knew how long dist would be diff already..
but i still thought through..and wanted to do it w tt ah gong..
bec i knew my temper wont be like jean to get so easily agitated when they cant skype or find time, or what..
i kept telling her,if he did sth,then maybe u shd step back..
don't get angry over sth small ah..no pt..
he didnt rly know what she wanted,what she like or didnt like..thats why she always gt angry..

i thought i knew that ahgong,i thought that ahgong knew me..how he could easily notice sth was wrg..
that's why i said i don't get angry easily..
because i thought we both knew each other,and we wouldnt have to go through being angry w each other,or quarelling..
that would be so much nicer..
yes i do get angry,but not so easily..i didnt like..

i kept telling her..u all just gt tgt and he have to be overseas..
slowly ah..then both of u will know each other better and won't have such problems..
since u both like each other,then slowly ah..
the beginning would be tough..but..
it takes time..it takes 2 to work a rs out..and not just one and if u keep getting angry also wont help..
you all really have to work it out..if u rly dont like him to do certain stuff,then just tell him..


i really wanted to work it out w tt ahgong..
it takes 2..
but that ahgong just thought by himself..and decided himself..
because i wasnt the one..because i cant talk.dont get angry.
he just didnt understand..
we needed time..i needed time..

from the beginning..
jean smhw knew a little..ec..
and then..how it all slowly changed..
she knew how i felt towards him..
she saw what he did..
the last day of wk,tt late outing..
she saw how he called me instead of o and asked about it..
when it was o who asked him and didnt say i was going..

she saw how he msged me and not the rest when he got off at his place..
asking,worried about us getting lost,and asking to msg him when home..
she kept saying there was sth,but i didnt think so much then..
and i told her he meant everybody to msg him when they're home..
she heard about how at the macs party,because he didnt reply my msg earlier..
he was sitting beside me and msging me sorry..
saw how he was waiting for me to go hm tgt..

and she said can see there's sth,can see he zai hu ni...
did he really zai hu..?if he did,then how did all these happen?and until now he didnt say anything..
but why did he msg auntie vic to ask her help him take care of me..
that last msg..that last concern from tt ahgong to tt ahpoh..
was it just out of pure guilt..

and tt first time out..
she knew about how he actually asked about the waiting thing..
still smhw saying about how his parents are 'fierce',smhw asking how,if i would be scared or wad?
she thought he was so serious also,thought he was a good guy too..
and was so happy for me also..

when we gt tgt,she was the first to know..
becase i was so scared my mum would asked about where i went..
so i asked her to help..and told her what happened..
i rmb her sms..after i told her..
congratulations in caps..
and i rmb i was walking home aft sending tt ahgong..and was smiling at tt msg..

then when tt ahgong said about the committment issues..
i told her..i asked her how..
at first she thought i shouldnt have ask him about thinking the second time..we should have just tried..
but i told her,i regretted asking..
but the first ans he didnt think through properly,he ans quite fast..
and i know i would smhw feel insecured w tt first ans,and i don't want to be like forcing him..
tt's why i asked again,thinking that the ans will still be yes,we try,after much thinking..

i thought that ahgong would say yes..
i thought that the serious ahgong would want to do it tgt w tt ahpoh..
but i was wrong..

in btw,bef tt ahgong rly gave me tt ans aft i asked him to think again..
she still came over to talk about some of her stuff and was telling me not to worry..
saying it'll be ok..keep saying i shd know him,how he's always easily stressed and thinks alot..
saying it just shows that he rly is serious..
and rmb when i was sending her to the bus stop..tt ahgong called aft work..missed call..
wanted to talk after sending her..and she saw,and still was telling me to change to iphone too..
telling me,so when he goes over,it'll be cheaper for overseas calls,easier,etc..and i was thinking about changing..
but i still told her,we still havent rly settle our prob yet,wait till i get tt ans ah..
but i guess i never got that ans i wanted..


after tt ahgong told me his ans..then smhw things started to 'change'..
we stopped talking on the ph,or msging for ard 2 days..
and i didnt think much..
until o had to tell me all those stuff,what the girl said,what others said bout them going out..
and i told jean,bec i didnt believe..
she talked to o..
smhw they all thought tt it was true..
they thought him saying tired w work,etc was just excuses..
and hw he was taking so long to reply..
they were so worried for me..
still came over late one night..

yes..i was so scared..i rly didnt know what to think..
deep inside i believed it..and thought it really explains it all..
bt smhw,there was still a part of me that didnt believe that the ahgong would be like tt..
it was only one week +ago tt we just go tgt??and all these can happen?
they came over sitting there with frowns on their face..
and asked me how..what i want to do..
and i said there's nth i can do..if tts what he rly wants..
and i also kept explaing..how i don't believe..
dont think he's such a person..
deep inside i was struggling so hard..
when i first heard of it from o..i was outside w jean..trying so hard not to cry infront of her..
i told her i cant believe it..she didnt believe it totally too..
and was telling me things about what tt girl told her,what she did before to her ex,and so many other things..
telling me maybe it cant be believed..


i went home..and cried..for the first time..because of tt ahgong..
when they were at my house..i didnt cry..i still sat there w them watching tv,acting like nth was wrong..


in btw,all that happened..until tt final ans..only jean rly knew all..
how he said he didnt want to try anymore..
she just keep telling me..
how maybe he just want to protect me,rly dont want to hurt me bec he rly like me..bec he's a gd guy..
and so i was trying so hard to move on..
the whole time it was so pain,so crazy..
but i never once cried infront of her..

until that one time,that i totally break down after so long..over the phone..
that time,when she told me about how she met tt guy friend who told her about what that girl told him..
she thought the timing was so qiao as all those things that happened..thats why she got so worried..
thats why she thought i should know about it,and told me..
and when i heard her say..the girl telling the guy that they were tgt..that was it..
i totally break down..after such a long time of acting strong..


it was so crazy..and all along,seeing his statuses,i still told her how it makes me believe him more..'slow but i'll get it done..'..
but that day,i felt so stupid..the most stupid moment in my entire life..
thinking of how i've been convincing friends to believe that he's really that gd ah gong that i know of..
and all those cant be true..
i didnt know what to say..jean didnt know what to say too..

she used to try and comfort me saying how he was a gd guy like what i believed,what i told her,tts why he didnt want to try anymore..
but what could she say now..
she too,didnt believe that the guy she once said really zai hu ni,that explained so much,did so much,would be like this..
she,didnt believe that the girl,a friend would be like this..
the girl who warned he was a bad guy,who even had asked jean before about how things are between me and him..could do such a thing..
it was so crazy..
it was so true..but deep inside i still thought of reasons that it cant be true..so silly..

jean knew she couldnt explain to me anymore..couldnt say anything..
and was just so angry with them..
she just msg and msg me everyday..
and until now..
but she's going to leave for her intership this thurs..

i didnt know that a friend i didnt got to know tt long would be with me so much throughout this thing..
and it's amazing how friends enter our lives at diff point in time and stay around..


i know auntie vic was busy w sch and stuff..
thats why from the beginning i didnt tell her much..and also didnt tell others much..
bec i was scared too..scared of how it'll turn out..
when we gt tgt..that ahgong said not to let friends know first..
i didnt mind not saying..esp after him telling me about him worryng about committment issues..
i didnt rly dare to say..i had a bad feeling..


at first auntie vic only knew we had sth and then knew we started..
she asked if she could like tt status i posted on tt first day..
and i told her ya..i told her i got talk to tt ahgong about u before,my bff..
so it's ok..u shd know..
and then aft tt,auntie vic know abit about how he i asked him to think again..
and she also said it was a good thing for us to consider so hard..
show that he was really serious too..a good guy!


why is it tt everybody said that...but ended up..like this..
they all said it'll be ok..it'll be fine..
but now,it isnt ok at all..


after that..
she didnt know much..because i didnt rly tell her,bother her..
i didnt really tell my few close friends..those who smwh knew we started..
i didnt want to tell..
i thought i could be like last time and be strong by myself again..
i thought i could..
i was trying so hard..

until some point in time,i almost couldnt take it anymore..
and she asked,then i told her what really happened..
and she even helped me so much i didnt know..
and i felt so lucky to have auntie vic as a gd fren and sotongs too..
though she kept saying she wasnt w me..
but i know what she did meant alot..she really done alot..told me so much..asking me to have faith,in that ahgong..
and knowing that i'll always have them ard,if i wanted to talk or cry or what,was sufficient already..
and i really treasure them so much..so thankful..


and when i thought it was supposed to end right there already..
i had to hear about all those even more crazy stuff..
auntie vic who smhw believed w me all the way tt the ahgong was a good guy too..
up till then,she also didnt know what to say already..
she also didnt understand what happened,how could it happened..
she still said,are they rly tgt,can believe what the girl said?
but,that ahgong,both of them..showed it happily..they could have hide..but they didnt..
so how were we supposed to not believe..


tt ahgong didnt know how hard it was for me..
didnt know i was trying so hard to cope with it all by myself..
acting strong..
he didnt know..
he thought i kept talking to my friends about it..
was saying how i shouldnt just be talking about these to my friends..
he didnt know what i knew..
didnt know how hard i tried..how badly i didnt want friends to know..
i felt so dumb to let them know..but i almost collapsed..
i would have collapsed long ago,if i didnt have them..
he just didnt know..
how bad i felt..how bad it was..
he took it so easy..


and now,i guess he still don't know..
still don't know how much i went through that period of time..
and until now,i still don't know what was true and what was not..
he don't know that kind of feeling..

i really don't know if i should get tt ans i want..
i'm so scared to hear..
so scared to face that ahgong..
i thought i knew him..
i really thought i knew him..better than others..

but now,i dont know if tt was really him..
even as much as i want to believe that was the real him that i know..
there's always this part of me that questions it..
because he didnt give me any ans..
because he took away that trust,that faith i had in him..


he thought he should have said sth..
but until now he didnt..
'to admit or say sry..which is wiser that needs doing..'
he should have if he rly was that ahgong that i knew..
but i guess..i never knew him..
like what he wanted me to do..to forget him..
to keep in my secret world and take it that he never once existed..


i really wanted to lock it temporarily in my secret world,and believing..
but why did all these happen..


to forget someone is already difficult..
to forget someone who u like so much and have caused so much hurt to u,is even more impossible..
and i guess it'll never happen..
it'll always be there..



saw this pic on some web..
seems like it was those stairs we sat at..
didnt rmb seeing the merlion though..but rmb that view of mbs..
how we were saying to walk over to there,when it was so late already..


rmb friends were standing at that railing area looking at us..

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