I'm moving on!!
This is the only place left where i can not be my 'normal self',can not be that me infront of friends,now..
where i can not be so tired from that facade,still..
and you have to scold me for being childish??

that me,that i find it so fake day after day..faking,smiling more and more..
because i know i need a longer time..
that strong looking me infront of friends,isnt that strong at all..
esp going through silly things time aft time..
and this time is the craziest,how everything all turns out,and because i guess i like that ahgong too much le..
even though i'm slowly back to leading my used to be life,my normal life,without that ahgong..
i know it'll be inside still,that ahgong will still be inside still..how i wish tt ahpoh is too..
just like what i told her,it isnt really about not moving on,but rather missing that ahgong so much,those days,so much happy moments we spent tgt..
so short,but it was the best,sweetest time i've been through,yet,treasuring so much,and that ahgong wont know..
it's just about the thought of cant let that ahgong go,and disappear from my life forever..
each and every moments i still rmb so clearly..

and that girl telling me things,talking..
i cant believe how we end up msging..
aft tt day she pass me the book..
how she said i lost alot weight..
and i said thanks to tt ahgong..?and her maybe?
dunno how we ended up discussing whether she should go aust study or in spore..
how she got so angry and scolding tt ahgong like crazy,scolding all sorts of stuff..
and said she wanted go over there for revenge on tt ahgong,or even ask someone go murder him..omg..

i even told her not to choose aust just becux u want to 'seek revenge'..
still told her there are so many things to consider..
talking as though we're like bff like what my friends are saying,laughing at it..
when we're supposed to be 'enemies/rivals'??
or rather i shd be hating her,but how do i manage to talk to her still??
that day she said she was so pissed when she talked to him..
because of what tt ahgong said of her..
she still said she rly wanted to suicide..
saying how she cant see the light at the end of the tunnel,her sch,and everything is screwed..
and that ahgong made her even more angry..
i was so scared..and was replying so quickly to ask her not to think of suicide..
comforting her somehow,saying since she say how tt ahgong's not worth..
then why do such a thing..it's not the end..telling her about the hut story,the smoke signal is out,and hope is coming..
or even,saying maybe tt ahgong was angry too,tts why he said such things..
then how she said tt ahgong sounded so calm..
i dunno..but the things is,just cant believe i can actually go comfort her,and 'counsel' her..
omg..still msg till late..like bff..

at the beginning,still rmb how i first know her in office..
how she just started work and was double banking w my fren,listening to his ph calls,beside me..
tt day,there was some buffet,and my fren and i heard about it,but cant go down to get those food..
and she offered to go take for us..
then aft tt,rmb seeing her ard,in toilet,and still asked her how's work..how she smhw nt used?
and i rmb telling her,aft some time it'll be ok..
we werent tt close..
jean and o were closer to her..
then rmb it was at the macs party,we talked more..jean,o and us were talking..
then i thought she seem quite nice,would be a good fren,can go out more and stuff..
little did i know that she'll end up doing all these to me and smhw hurt me so much..

even though she say it's tt ahgong tt went crazily after her,and she rejected him alot times..
because she said she didnt feel special,becux she saw how tt ahgong treated me and was envious of me,she said.
bt becux of how tt ahgong ended up like begging her,she thought he was rly serious,tt's why she accepted it..
she said she like the other guy also,but because tt ahgong was better playing at field..thats why she chose him..
how she told me she didnt listen to voices in her head,becux making the wrong choice,seem more exciting??omg..
by right she isnt in any wrong??since it was tt ahgong aft her?


but up till now,none of my friends believe her story,her whole story,and her even getting pregnant??
i'm the only one to believe her story!!

and i keep asking my friends why they dont believe..
i say it's so real,sound so true..but they all find it so ridiculous..
yes, trust needs to be earned not given just like that..to someone like her..
i haven't know her long enough to give her so much trust and believe her so much..
but the way she told me her story,everything and everything sounds so true..
and she rly sound so sincere..
or is she too'kind',trying too hard,my friends say..
if it's not true,how does she come up with such a big and crazy story??
yes,there are loopholes in btw,we think..
but it all sounds too true..


they all want me to ask that ahgong,cause they just dont believe her story..want me to see the real her??
want me to ask about whether it is true about her getting pregnant??
and all so curious about his ans..
and i asked,what am i supposed to ask..how am i to ask it,how am i to cfm her story??
i said,that ahgong would just answer,yes,he thought he was going to be a father at sm point in time??
omg.i cant imagine,i don't want to see what that ahgong will answer.


i believe her story.
thats it i guess??

funny,if i believe her story..
just like what she wanted me to do,i should be hating that ahgong,and see how tt ahgong is rly like..
but i'm not doing it..or rather cant..
cause i didnt see it,and i don't want to see it, or know it..
i just believe that ahgong i saw..
and accept that we both saw different him..

and i guess i should be happy i saw a better him??
how he seem to treat me better??
how she said,what he did to her,treated her were all very material,superficial??
all the little little sweet things the ahgong did to me,she said he didnt do..
they never always talk late on ph..he always fall alsp?nv talk on her way home..?
so many things she said he didnt do,and she envied so much..

that him she was with wasnt so sweet,so gentle,so attentive and thoughtful,just so material,she said.
still said she didnt feel magical when she was his gf,how he talk to her like a friend,just felt like she was his friend..
that's why she said she know they cant be lovers..
said maybe because she was playing the field too,didnt want a rs,tts why tt ahgong wanted her??
i really wonder,if tt ahgong rly didnt treat her well..why didnt he,when he wanted her so much..crazily aft her??
is it true,because when there got into in a rs,so things change??so quickly?
so should i be happy,should i treasure and just move on with all those sweet memories we had..


i don't know how we talked..talked so much..
until she was telling me,how at the macs party,he kept looking at me..
esp when the girls were like sitting close tgt,talking about the apple diet..
she just happen to turn and glance at another fren,and she 'spotted' that ahong looking at me..
i don't know,because i didnt see him looking when we were talking..
i only know that ahgong heard what we were talking about,because i rmb him nagging me..
saying don't think i didnt hear about the apple diet u all were saying,asking me not to do it..
i know,we did exchange glances,and looked at each other,but not then..
rmb how i went toilet and back,and they started singing the bday song already..
was standing outside the sitting area,and ahgong was right inside there,so far behind..
i rmb how we looked at each other,and smiled,when we were all singing bday song..
that was how sweet it was,esp when others didnt rly know,we can only exchange glances,and msg beside each other..

She still said he had family problems tt day but still didnt go home??
Waiting for me and left w me..even though we took diff cabs..
I said i dunno..is it..he didnt say anything about home..how u noe..


rmb met ahgong and another fren to take mrt there tgt..
it was quite awkward,esp when tt ahgong was asking before it whether i was angry,thought i was angry..
on the train,we didnt talk much,or smhw acting not tt close??
but i guess,him telling tt fren whom i wasnt rly close w,tt i'm meeting them to go tgt,shd mean sth,tt's why it was abit awkward..
yar,and we just exchanged those glances,that meant so much,somehow..
i cant believe i actually went through those days,those 'magical moments'??
those moments that up till now i cant forget..


she even asked me what i missed most about him..
i said everything??but i guess,those phone calls,since we spent so much time on it??
those moments esp before putting down the phone,saying goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
those silent moments,just hearing him playing the guitar..
those moments where we talk and laugh about random stuff,that ahgong's cute laughter..
those moments the ahgong ask funny sweet qns like,so u want me to msg u tml morn??and rmb how the nx day,i would smile so much,just thinking of it..
those moments that the ahgong was always so caring,concerned..sch nx day,etc..

rmb how during the working period my throat was so bad..
rmb just started working not long,or rather during ojt..
i woke up totally voiceless,first time..and freaked out..
how am i suppose to work,to talk to cust with no voice..
went to work and fren gave me lots of pi pa gao..
luckily,aft awhile,can speak abit..
and rmb telling my fren if i suddenly become voiceless again,pls help me take over my call..
aft tt time,my throat didnt recover totally,always coughing,and like so much phlegm inside..
and on the ph w tt ahgong,always cough also,smtimes my voice sounded so bad too..
and rmb tt ahgong would always nag at me to ask me go drink water first..
just like tt time,sitting by the stairs,was coughing,and he forced me to drink his water..
i said nvm lar..and he would sound 'angry'..
so i had to walk out,get water..swallow real hard..
because of how tt ahgong wanted to hear the sound of me drinking,swallowing the water..
then he would be happy..
then aft tt,i always had my water bottle w me when i talk to tt ahgong..
yes,that was that ahgong that i like so much..that made me felt so lucky,so special..
that was the ahgong,others thought was so so sweet,after hearing all the little little things he did..
but why did he have to play this joke on me,why didnt i get the chance to treat him well too,like what he did..

why can i only look back now and think of all those sweet memories..
and not looking forward to the long journey we wanted to walk tgt,and think of all the better memories that will come our way..
why must i let go of that ahgong that treated me so nice,then,not the after part..
why must he walk away and escape like this..

up till now,i still dont undstd why they ended..
if he seemed so serious and crazily chasing aft her,and she even went for his family bbq in such a short time..??wanting to meet her parents too?
when tt ahgong told me not to bring our family in first,she gt to meet his so soon??
why becux of pure suffocation,unhappiness,quarreling??
becux he going overseas le,didnt want her to be unhappy?
he shd have thought about it many times le..why back out now..
and even telling her,they wont break if he didnt have to go overseas..
i don't know..that's why i told her,if u rly still like him,u should go talk it out with him,ask him the real reason for the break up..
because of how serious he seemed and how she say maybe it's his mum..
but she said,she didnt want anymore,she felt so silly,so stupid when she begged him tt time,even when she know they are not suitable..
cant believe we talked so much..


how she told me she even went to ask that ahgong if he still like me,miss me..
how tt ahgong even told her about me going to the airport to send him..
she still said he said i didnt ask if he still like me..(would i dare??when tt ahpoh seems to have been gone so long,in his world..)
said he want to think to cfm??
then say he's too tired,busy to think??


what was i supposed to think..to feel??
i just laughed at it..and i told her,ours was so long ago!
what can i do,other than laughing at it all,how it all turn out..
because there was nothing i could do..or should i rly go ask??
hahax.
how much i wished it was true..i don't know..
i guess it's not..
or rather what she said is true,but what that ahgong really feels??
i guess,he just loves his ex too much,still..??
or rather her..but talked to her and spite her??even when she said she know he isnt,he was v calm..


when i asked tt ahgong,does saying/asking matters..
telling him,she told me so much.i guess i shd believe..

and the ahgong said,believe and move on.
i dont know what she said,but what i can say,is i'm a thousand over miles away,and i have a lot to do.pls do take care and be well..

then aft tt i said others heard about what she said,and thought i should ask,hear from him..
then he was like,asking who talked to me??i thought when he said i dont what 'she' said..he shd know who i was saying,tts why he said tt..
and i told him,it's her,and he asked if i had smth to ask him..
and i said i guess i shd just believe what she said,doesnt matter,nth more for me to ask..

'what i can say is that im a thousand over miles away'???
is it because of tt?
is that ahpoh still there somewhere..

i don't know..
so silly.i guess not.


because i'm stupid,childish??
because love is blind.
because i was wrong,to like that ahgong so much,because of how much he did for me..

not about going through it..how i see things and learn from it??
i know what it all means,how to see it,everybody's telling me..to learn,to not be so trusting..so..
i can even tell her all those,comfort her with all those words..
so easy to say..how hard it is actually to do..
so..
should see that this is a lesson that i deserve,because it'll help me grow stronger??
should see that all these was nothing,just silly love,and it shd be a lesson to help me grow up??that it's all part of life??
should see that i was stupid,to like tt ahgong so faithfully,even aft him doing all these to me..??

i'm trying so hard to continue with my normal life,and u dont know how hard it is..
and i guess u shdnt be saying how childish i am..and getting so worked up??
when u don't know how hard i'm working on this..
when u don't know how i'm leading a 'normal' life now,how hard i'm studying..

i just need this place,this secret place of mine.

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