this last night..is here..
that ahgong will be leaving tml,or rather later..
he must be busy packing his stuff..

i thought i would be ok..just don't think..
but i'm so wrong..
i'm struggling so hard inside..
i try so hard to not think,to keep myself occupied..
and i know it wasnt helping at all..

jean's leaving on thurs..
bought dinner to her house w shir..
we talked so much..
talked bout those days working there..
missing it so much..
they talked about rs stuff..
talked about others..
and jean was saying why do gfs always like to get angry,or maybe bf..either party..
she also thought why should couples always quarrel and get angry easily..
and shir said..get angry would mean u rly cared about the other person..
is that rly true..to have to be angry to show tt u rly cared about someone..

i thought about what tt ahgong said about me not getting angry..
and how he won't know when i'll be anrgy..tt's why he think it wont work out..
he thinks..he thinks..he thinks..

so we must get angry to show someone how much we cared,to work a rs out??
is that really the case..
i didnt get angry infront of friends and they could tell how much i cared about tt ahgong..
but he didnt..
why must we get angry..
i rly thought there wasnt any pt in always getting angry in a rs..
maybe sometimes,a little angry..but not always..and not super angry..

tt period of time..
there wasnt any moment for me to be angry about..
even though it was crazy to hear stuff..
it wasnt right for me to say things out..
how i really felt..when it was because of those stuff that i heard about him,her..
what was i supposed to say?to question him about them..?will he say..
when by right,we just started..and tt faith we were supposed to have..
why did that ahgong have to think tt way..
he didnt understand..

and throughout..they kept talking..
and i knew i only had one thing in my mind..
that the ahgong will be leaving tml..
that the ahgong will be gone forever..


i told them..
how i waited..and up till now he never said anything..
and say how i thought about asking for an explaination..
but maybe i should not know..
it's so scary to hear,smhw 'disgusting' to hear..


they kept telling me to call..
i said i was rly scared to talk to that ahgong again..
really have no more courage..
i could only rmb how he deliberately talked to me so badly the last time..
and it scares me so much..


but i know i wanted so much to just hear that ahgong's voice once more,to talk once more..
but i didnt dare,i couldnt do it..
i could only think that the ahgong would be hostile..

i thought if he called..which he didnt,up till the end..
would i pick up..
i would..i would..i would..
tt ahgong once said..telling me why i always dont pick up,maybe sometimes i would miss sth good..
and i said..it always wasnt good wasnt it..

and i always thought,did i miss it that time..maybe not..
and i've always regretted..
and i've always asked myself..hate myself..
why didnt i pick up those calls..why was i so scared..

and i told them i rly cant call..

and i just broke down,infront of them,not over the phone,for the first time.

because i really cant bear for tml to come..for tt ah gong to leave..
because thinking of it just make my heart so pain..
an indescribable feeling..

even though they kept telling me to call..
they want me to get an ans,and forever forget about him..
i knew i won't be able to do it..
even when they all said until he was a super bad guy..
and i still told them how much i couldnt believe,couldnt accept..
and how bad i really felt..being treated like this,so much more bad than his first..
i asked them why..
i cant accept..

tears just kept coming out..
because i just thought of all those times we were tgt..
how we talked about it so much,considering about this long dist rs..
how he told me about him going overseas,his plans..
how he asked if i'll wait,how we can wait w options open..
how he asked if i'll be sad when he leaves..
and now the day is here..

when we gt tgt,i've thought of how tt day will be like,when i send him off,as his gf..
i've thought of what to make and giving him alot stuff when he leaves..
i thought i would be hugging him and cry..
and we'll both cant bear to leave each other..
that ahgong and ahpoh..

but now,i cant do anything at all..
cant see him and talk to him anymore..
cant say bye..
i miss those words..ahpoh..
byebye,goodnight,sweet dreams,sleep tight..
and tt ahgong singing,playing guitar..
his cute soft laughter sometimes..
his funny chi..
i really miss the way he calls me ahpoh..
i'll never hear it anymore..


was on taxi home w shir..
and she asked what i was thinking..
i said i don't know..bt i just didnt say..
cause i know i would seem so stupid..


because i was thinking of our whole journey..
how 'accidental' it was..
how i thought it was fate..

how happy it was..
how happy i was..

how we first met..first talked..
how we werent very close in office..
how we started going out w friends..
how we slowly gt closer,msging..
how we first talk on the ph,suddenly,him calling in the middle of the night..
how we talked on the phone everyday..
how he first asked about going out,just us both..
how we finally went out ourself..
how funny and cute when tt ahgong still pass me the napkin and asked me to wipe my mouth,when we were leaving coffee bean..
and how we got tgt..how we thought of wanting to go bali tgt..
that first day out,on our official first day..

and all the things that happened after that..
that day at his house..
the day i'll never forget..


went home,and sat at tt bench we sat..
and tears just flowed..i thought of how we were sitting there..
how i thought of how time pass so fast..
how much i wished that if only time could go back to that day..
and pause right there..
02102010..
and i would never have sent him off..never wanted him to go..

i looked at all those pics..
our first pic..
i thought of how we were sitting outside ps..
how we were tickling each other..sitting so close..and how fren was beside..
how tt ahgong who didnt like taking pics,wanted to take tt pic..
i was so glad we took it..it seem we didnt leave anything for each other..only that pic,those precious pics..

i was looking at tt pic,how we were smiling so happily,so happily..
that ahgong's cute silly smile..
and thought how could things have become like this..


why cant i be seeing tt ahgong off tml..as his ahpoh,as his gf..
why we cant even say goodbye..
why is it so cruel..

i guess tt ahgong just want her to send him off..
because tt ahpoh was long gone..

i'm repeating the song,dear god again and again..
and thought about those lyrics..is there any true part..
i guess it all refers to her as well..



that artistic pic tt the ahgong said he took..
only all these pics are what's left behind..



tt apmtty wonder about tt ddag.

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