everybody's been so tired of work and keep taking mc to not go work..
was super sianx since same team fren going to tk mc and left me alone..
and dumb tl dont let us sit elsewhere..

mon work is the most sianx..gt wk then tuition..whole day..
and every mon keep thinking of quiting..cux so lazy to go wk early morn..

i dun fall sick forever..so no chance of mc..feel so bad to fake mc also..
then finally got a chance for mc..
eye infection!for the first time so serious!

sun night my eyes were abit red n sore..
then thought just tired eyes..

then morn still abit swollen..but then still ok..
so went work..
then slowly,it became red and rly swollen..so pain..
and started having pus..and it was so itchy and irritating i kept scratching it..
at first it was one eye..ended up become both eyes..
wanted go off half day but hanged on bec we gt a disgusting tl..
then it was rly red and disgusting and rly crazily swollen..
so paiseh otw home dun dare look ard..

went doc and doc said it was conjunctivitis..
and the doc's young!and he was so fierce smhw..
was asking me if i rubbed my eyes..and i was hesitant in answering and he asked again in a not v happy tone..
so he said its infectious and gave me mc!!!
super happy and i asked for 2 days!
meaning i dun have to go for wk anymore for this wk..since only 3 day wk..

and there goes monday blues,even though it was so xin ku..
the pus keep coming out..and so hard to see things esp aft applying the medicine..
the whole eyes so sticky, can hardly open..
so i can only go to slp super early cux i cant do anything at all!


supposed to wk till 115 only..
and bec they keep doing hivr,and end up cant clear,so cant clear their assigned outbound cases,and make us do compulsory ot w 9 cases to clear for 1 hr..
so rubbish!2 times the num of calls we pick up norm per hr..
super inefficient lousy system..
and i ended up getting dumb cases..

stayed all the way till 6+,not paid,and still hv not clear previous cases..
and it's all accumulating..

so no lunch,no breakfast..and lost all my appetite bec of wk..
so hungry,yet no feel to eat..and went straight for tuition..
and home,mum cooked porridge,and i hate plain porridge..
so,half bowl of porridge for the day..

mon,wk full shift.had lunch..and tt was yet another one meal for the day..
since mum busy entertaining hk relatives,nv cook,and so i didnt have dinner aft tuition again..

day aft day i guess i'm losing my appetite and my stomach shd be getting smaller..
so i can lose more weight..

work's getting more and more disgusting..
so diff from last yr,mobile and cable is so different..
and the tl..omg..
monitor us so closely like crazy..
when i decided to go back to wk,told myself i will not tear again bec of cust..
and i didnt..this time was bec of this stupid agent!
so dumb..wasnt bec i was scared of her or what,so angry and pek check until i teared!
irritating!

this dumb girl rly have attitude prob..
first,cust called in,saying wanted to look for her about his case..
and i alrdy asked what was it about,what he want,bt cust said it was like 'chain reaction',bec of the prob frm tt time,brought forward smhw,still nt settled,smthing like tt..
so cust said he didnt want to repeat the story..said wanted previous agent to call him back..
and of course we dont probe anymore..so just emailed the previous person for callback..

then,soon aft,the person was looking ard for me..
i was on a long call,and she jux sat there w a black face,stared and waited..
then,she asked me why i needed her to call back..say it was such a long ago case,tt she had to read the notes again to rmb what happened..
then i said what the cust said..and i told her i alrdy asked cust but cust wanted tt,so what am i supposed to do..
throughout,she spoke to me in tt questioning tone,and tt face,as if she was like my mgr or tl..
when she's like the same lvl as us,not even a senior of the team,pls..
even my mgr or tl also nv talk to me like the way you talk to me..
even when i do anything wrg,they also dont talk to me like tt..
what's more,i didnt do anything wrg!
so she unhappily said she'll go call tt cust and see what happen..

aft her call,she came and look for me again!
and tt still bu shuang face,stand there,showing so much attitude!
say she ended the call within like10 mins, say cust jux was asking some simple bill breakdown..
so she was not happy,saying dun undstd whats the big deal have to arrange callback..
saying i was trying to push case to her..still tell me smtimes she do push case back to original caseowners..but she dont do it like this...what's like this??
cust ask for it,and i alrdy tried helping and asked!tts nt pushing cases..and i dont do tt..
still ask me how long i've been working..
say she's been working how many mths,say it's not like she's not capable of handling big cases..
didnt want to argue w her,as if i've not work there long enough to handle them or never handled bef..
shd have shoot her and told her i was working there alrdy last yr,and i came back again!
of course i know what i am doing,what i should do,and tt i did nothing wrong!
that was not called pushing case!
and you're the one tts wrong,talking to me in such an attitude,reprimanding me when u had no right at all..
so disgusting..
ended up breaking down bec of this dumb person..
hate it,but just couldnt hold back tears..
so angry for being 'scolded' for sth tt i didnt do wrong,and she was in no position to say anything,to tell me off..
still went to tell my team senior..
and she thought i did nth wrg too pls..so tell her for what..
they all know how i do my work..and i even had cust writing in..

worst day at work ever..


tdy had a cust asking about changing to ns plan..
told him needed the ns pass,their diff ic..
and he ended up like joking w me,asking izzit s13 pass or sth..
told him to fax in or bring to csc..
and he was like laughing,bec i told him wasnt sure whats tt called..
and i was also laughing smhw..and he asked why i kept laughing..
kept asking the same stuff again and again and the call dragged for so long..
and asked if he could send the pic of his pass to me..
and i said no,and he asked am i rejecting to give him my num..
kept asking for my num,about msn,fb and said he'll go find..
then he sudd say if i was a fren of his,asked if i stayed at smwhere..
and smhw was scared,thought was someone i know,so paiseh..
luckily he wasnt..

the thing is..
he sounded so much like tt ahgong..
even the way he was laughing..
and he still asked why i was like mumbling and stuttering..
like how tt ahgong asked tt time in office,when i was cold..and smhw nervous..
told him the same thing also..
my heart was beating so fast smhw as i tok to tt guy..
bec of all those flashbacks in my mind..

but he wasnt tt ahgong..
jux reminded me of those times talking w tt ahgong on the ph..
trying to rmb how it was like,what exactly did we talk about..
how tt ahgong always talk and laugh..
reminding me how much i miss those times on the phone..
how i was always smiling..
how tt ahgong always sound so happy also..

neil saw me at wk tdy..
and said,wear so nice,so pretty ah,got date ah..
and i just thought of tt day last yr,where i met tt ahgong to go to ll bday tgt..
and neil came w him aft wk,so went tgt w the 2 of them..
was so paiseh tt time,cux tt ahgong would hv told him tt he's waiting for someone..
dunno what he would think..
bt i guess since neil have been there all along,he would have known about tt ahgong and her also..
so what would he have known..

and roch in office,smtimes will see him,bt dun say hello to him..
try to avoid him..bt smtimes cant rly avoid..
and it seems like he shd be able to see me,but like smhw act nv see,or ignore smhw..
i wonder what rly happen in office tt time,what tt think,cux i know they all know what happened btw them..
bt what did they think of me..until roch seem to act like this..
when i didnt do anything wrong..


02102011..
last yr,this date,this time,ard 12+am..
we decided to be tgt..

and rmb i asked tt ahgong, i thought he said we shd go out more first..
and he gave tt look..
and so we started so fast,and ended fast too..

if we were still tgt,it would be our first yr..
but we didnt even make if for our first mth..
whose rs would be like this..no one i guess..
not even one week..?

what did i do wrong..
why play such a joke on me..


today's 1st oct 2011..
children's day..
one yr ago,this day was at chomp w tt ahgong..
this yr,this same day,sotong dinner at chomp also..

tt road tt is so hard to cross w so many cars..
rmb how we crossed tgt..
saw tt seat we sat at and could clearly rmb the scene,rmb tt day..
what we ordered,what we ate,and how hungry tt ahgong was..
and got to know he like white carrot cake..
bec norm ppl would order black one, but he ordered the white one..
couldnt finish my drink and tt ahgong finished it..

at bus stop deciding where to go..
and ended up at the bench at my house playground..
the place we decided to start..
sitting on the bence,tt view,tt ahgong saying,if only,it's the seaview..
the place where we made some promises..
tt ahgong sat there saying,he'll be faithful..but he just broke it simply,easily.
we had pinkie promise,to not bring parents in first..
but tt ahgong and her,she got to meet her family so fast..
so dumb..

always thought of how tt ahgong can still talk to her,msg her when he's over there..
but he never talked to tt ahpoh..never checked on her..
what was she..so insignificant and easily gone..
i guess she never had a place,and shd have been long forgotten..
even though we once thought so far ahead...


this fri..one yr ago..
01102010..
one of the nights that i will never forget..
it's already one year on..but..
time past so fast,it didnt seem like it's been one yr,though it seemed like alot happened..
still can clearly rmb tt day..tt night..

one of the happiest nights i ever had..
02102010-the day we decided to be tgt..
just one mth+ aft we got to know each other..

never thought i would be so lucky,to have a dream come true somehow..
from stranger,to ec,to tt ahgong..

but how did it changed from such a sweet dream coming true and ended up like a crazy nightmare..
why does it always happen to me..

auntie vic's flying off to hk on this day..
wanted so much to go too,bt dumb work..
hk..disneyland..
just make me think of tt dumb coincidence..
tt long email tt i sent tt ahgong earlier this yr..
telling him so much things,things he nv knew..
and i also said tt when he asked to go bali tgt,i thought of wanting to go to hk disneyland w tt ahgong also..
and i also told him tt he was actually a ec..
and said tt having a eyecandy becoming a bf even if it was for a few hours,or one day..was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..

soon aft..
tt ahgong posted..

"you can knock yourself out with all the stupid things that you have done and kill
yourself with the things that you have regretted doing but you cant hurt as much as missing someone that you know was the best thing that happened to you."

and the nx few days,tt ahgong posted a disneyland video..
w some letters..

all these just so randomly coincident like crazy..bt hw relevant they seem to be..
but she said,tt ahgong hadnt read tt email..so it cant have anything to do w my email..
so dumb so dumb so dumb..


This day,one yr ago..
it was our first time out,just us..
was nervous bef meeting..
but surprisingly,aft seeing tt ahgong it wasnt tt scary..

the day bef tt day..
was discussing what to watch etc..
and rmb tt ahgong was still saying which movie hv how many popcorns for ratings..
was laughing at him for for quoting those to see which nicer..
tt ahgong said will give me morn call for sch or call me and talk bef lessons..

ended up tt ahgong overslept..
and was msging during lessons..
those cute msges..asking what to wear,asking if i was excited to meet him..
all making me smile from deep inside..
tt happiness,simple but unforgettable..
jux wanted sth so simple only,why cant i get it,time aft time..

tt ahgong trying to bluff me say dun need tics to go in..
will never forget the not so nice first movie we watch tgt,jux us two..
my darling is a foreigner..
inside the cinema..dinner..tt 'artistic pic' he said he took of me using my ph..
tt walk down orchard..breadtalk..
coffee bean..those pics of me he secretly spammed n happily took..tt small action of giving the napkin and the things he said..
cuscaden..happily showing me,sliding thru those pics he took..
left w me and send me home..
Tt journey home..tt waiting for the taxi w tt ahgong..'niannian'..

That qns tt ahgong asked on the train..
If he had to wk there aft he grad,will i wait..
And i simply ans have to see if the person was worth waiting..

it was a shocking qns at tt pt in time,where we were,barely known each other for one mth+?
bt smone asking tt qns, of cux will make u think alot..make u v happy..
it tells u hw much tt ahgong was thinking..thinking so far ahead??
making you wonder if tt ahgong will be the one,for him to think so far ahead w tt ahpoh in it?
for me, to think so far ahead also,'planning' and see if it possible to have a future w tt ahgong in it..
it showed me how serious tt ahgong was..
just like how i know him to be when i jux know him..
tt responsible and serious ahgong,tt made him eyecandy,admired tt him..

tts y it made me very happy..very very very happy..
a stranger to a eyecandy..to a friend...
to someone tt ask u if you're willing to be in his future smhw..
to someone you plan your future with,someone who will always be in your plans for your future..
It was really the best thing that happened to tt ahpoh..

Tt kind of happiness does not come by everyday..
And i realised it doesnt stay,it's shortlived and may not be real happiness,as it all could have been lies..
How pathetic that i will never know if those were real..

If that ahgong was real,didnt have a facade like what she said..
tt ahgong is 值得的..真的..
Deep inside,i still choose to believe the ahgong i saw..


Went for F1 again this yr,w dear auntie vic..
bt everything isnt the same anymore,totally diff frm last yr..
that happiness last yr..

Tt feeling of going back office tt fri..so happy..
was on the ph the previous day w tt ahgong and trying nt to tell him was going back the nx day..
then trying to hide at one corner at office..
we all ordering koi,and order for him,bt o say his stomach nt well,so didnt give him..
waited until i was leaving then went to tap tt ahgong and said bye..didnt even talk..

And at F1,tt ahgong finished work,and asked how's fooosh foosh foosh..
saw tt msg and was smiling at those words..
at dinner,auntie vic was asking about the guy commenting on ny status..tt ahgong..
so i said a little..then aft tt when she see my ph dying and i was msging tt ahgong,still wanted give me use her ph..
ended up i used bro ph..and tt ahgong was smhw waiting for me to go hm bt kept denying..
waiting for me to go hm and talk on the ph..
tt msg tt gave him away..
'if you dont reply by 145,i'll presume u slp le and wont call le..'
it's so deeply etched inside my mind..
cux tt msg made me sillyly smiled at the ph..

Tt fri one year ago,is so diff from this year's..
tt whole F1 wkend..
as i was there watching,looking at the tracks..
the scene of us walking on the track jux came to mind,and was trying to figure out which part it was..
and tt heart pain..as those happy image popped up..

Tt F1 wkend last yr,the saturday,was exactly 3 mths to xmas..
tt day tt ahgong was at wk bt ended up sick n went to see doc..
went home and i even wanted to dabao food for him..
ended up we talked on the ph..still rmb we talked alittle bout my new house,his relative's house price also..
then tt ahgong pei me talk on the ph,all the way from home..to grandma house..
take bus,mrt..
and rmb at the bus stop,tt ahgong asked a qns i cant forget also..
asking about my best fren..and i said auntie vic and sm others..was saying the one on my dp ah..
and i asked his..bt tt ahgong said he dun rly hv alot gd frens?

at the mrt station,i heard the song for the train is coming thingy..
and i said it sounds like xmas..and realised tt day was 25th..exactly 3 mths to xmas..
so tt ahgong asked what i wanted for xmas,so early..
and was so happy,so looking forward to it,thinking what can i do for tt ahgong..
thinking tt it'll be such a great n diff xmas..
all my own wishful thinking..
ended up,it was the worst xmas i had,one i cant forget indeed,hw much pain i was in tt time.
and everytime i walk pass tt part of the mrt station,i'm always reminded by tt 'early xmas present'..

tt way he told me to repeat his hm num 5 times so i can hang up and rmb the num and call him back..
tt promise tt he wanted me to promise to talk to him again at night..
tt msg tt ahgong sent when it was late and i still didnt msg or call..
tt was the first and last time i was anxiously waiting to go hm from grandma house to talk to tt ahgong..

And this monday,one yr ago..
Ll bday party at khatib mac..
msged tt ahgong in the morn when i woke up as 'punishment'..
bt tt ahgong didnt reply the whole day,and i was so restless wondering wad happen..
end up his ph prob,got it late..
called aft wk and met him to go tgt..
tt ahgong straight away hear sth was wrg over the ph and was saying sry for nt replying,explaining..
and i jux said i wasnt angry,bt tt ahgong asked why i sounded tt way and i said jux tired..

And another colleague was w tt ahgong..and it was so awkward..
we didnt talk much bt jux exchg glances and tt ahgong jux seem to hv tt questioning expression,thinking tt sth's wrg..
those nudges..and tt sitting beside..
tt msging when we were jux beside each other..
those moments of staring..exchanging glances when others dont know anything..
sweet and happiest moments..
tt waiting and leaving tgt w me..
tt usual talking on the taxi home..
'inside the house alrdy?'..tt ahgong asked in chi in a funny way..

each and everyday,there was sth for me to rmb..
to make me happier and happier..
that's why in the end,the hurt was so deep..


this day one year ago..
seemed tt things were getting clearer..
tt fb post tt i posted and tt ahgong commented..

then tt ahgong randomly msged to ask if i was free..
'you free x3'..nt w them..
just us two..how scared i was but hw happy i was too..
wanted go barrage bt ended up nt going bec tot road was blocked bec of f1..
always wondered would it be another memorable night if we went..

and tt day ended up the day i first hear tt ahgong sing..
tt ahgong jux randomly played his guitar n sang..
cant rly rmb the first song..bt am sure guan huai fang shi was one of the songs..
always said tt his chi nt v gd..so of cux was surprised he sang tt,and trying to hear v hard..
like those times where he NG and we'll start laughing..
we jux hanged on to the ph like tt..talk,sing,pause..
and tt ahgong wanted mac,ate and then call again..
ended up on the ph for so long till quite late..

it seemed like as each and every day passed tt period of time,my happiness level was increasing and increasing..
tt ahgong just had a way to put on a smile on tt ahpoh,everyday..
and captured her heart so well,day by day..
making her sink so deep in..when it was all supposed to be a dream only..
i guess she was too greedy to think that dreams do come true..
and she'll never dare to do it again..


One yr ago,this tues was 21st sept..
first day of sch reopen,start of y2..

whole day packed..
sch.collect f1 tics.home then out again..
bec tt ahgong asked us..
rmb in sch saw tt ahgong msg asking to go chill w them..
was worrying tt it'll be paiseh aft we've talked on the ph the night bef..

was happy tt i went..even though i was dead tired..
bec the call the previous night left me awake..
tt night..a crazy,memorable night..

sitting beside tt ahong,playing games at the game cafe..
timbre..walking ard aimlessly..and sitting by the river..
tt htht..the diff sides of tt ahgong tt i saw..
so much i gt to hear from him..
cant forget him acting angry and forcing me to drink frm his bottle bec of me coughing..
esp cant forget that once in a lifetime experience,walking on the track..
in the middle of the night,on the almost empty roads,streets,those strong lights..
like stucked bec of the fences surrounding us..
those close contact we had,the things we joked n laughed about while walking..
then trying to find our way..walking thru unfamiliar places..in circles..
tt hand,hairband..
tt taxi ride home,tt talk on the ph..

tdy sat on the bus and almost teared..
randomly thought back of tt day..how happy we were,i was..
want so much to tell tt ahgong so much things..
want so much to talk to tt ahgong on the ph and hear his voice,his singing..
miss those times so much..
just such a simple thing to want to talk to him..
bt i cant..and never can..

tt ahgong shdnt be around anymore,or maybe tt ahgong never rly did existed..
for tt ahgong isnt the real him,according to what she said..
how pathetic tt i dont know what's real or fake..
how pathetic to think tt all these incredible memories could be fake..
how pathetic..
why no answers..


this night,midnight one year ago..
the start of it all..
was supposed to go out w o they all..
didnt want to and told tt ahgong let them both go themselves,dont tell them..
end up he said he pao toh me and asked me to go..
say go hm first..
end up bec of his mum he wasnt v happy and decided nt to go..
so end up msging..and they were quite worried bout him suddenly mood chg so much..ask me tok to him..
of cux was worried too,such a big chg and it was my first time seeing tt ahgong suddenly so angry,nt happy..
and i still sillyly send him his pic to try cheer him up..and he still said crazy ah,try so hard for wad..
and msg msg then he was saying seems like they think we hv sth.
then bec of my lousy reply..
smhw showed tt ahgong..

and bec of tt msg..
he suddenly and unexpectedly called in the middle of the night jux when i was about to fall aslp..
can nv forget picking up tt call in the darkness..
and then randomly started toking in the dark,w my sis slping beside..
talked bout our schs,siblings, etc.
and of course,i was smiling,so happy smhw..
he was supposed to be my ec only..
norm ppl dun get to know ec,dun tok to them,dun know them in person ah..

but..tt ahgong changed from a stranger,to a ec,to my ahgong..
no one will know tt feeling,tt happiness..
and of course,bec of tt great happiness,the pain is..

and frm tt night on..things seem to bec obvious..
and everything slowly changed so quickly..

And tt night,tt call in the middle of the night,is something i'll nv forget..


this time one yr ago,we were at henderson wave..
tt ahgong was there too..
it was supposed to be us girls only..
bt tt ahgong decided to join w his fren..
suddenly msg and ask about it..
tt night at the top..

tt day was my last day at wk..
rmb giving tt ahgong chocs and he even wanted to shake hand..
I think i didnt wanted to..
tt ahgong left wk earlier than me..
and i tot tt was the last time i would see him,my ec..
thought everything would jux end there..
but little did i know..it wasnt the end..
tt day seemed to be the beginning..
tt day tt ahgong did things tt smhw showed sth..

we were all sitting in a circle at henderson wave..
tt ahgong was smhw opp me..
can nv forget hw when we looked at each other,tt ahgong saw i was tired..
and was mouthing and ask if i was tired or sth..
tt was alrdy a surprise..mouthing secretly smhw..

in the car they deliberately mk us sit tgt and it was so squeezy..
tt ahgong got off first..
and then he msged and was worried we'll get lost,ask to msg when hm..
tt ahgong supposedly shd be closer to,bt didnt msg her..so they were all joking..
and i jux said nth,the msg was worried for us all..

tt memorable night at the top..
my first time and tt ahgong was there again..

passed ftt tdy..on this day..


One year ago..this day..it was the first car ride home,tt ahgong driving..
first and only time i sat on tt ahgong car..
tt day had work and o asked them go movie..kept asking me to go and i didnt want..
and rmb tt day kp getting cust same name as tt ahgong..
then i said if i get 3 then i'll go..
and in the end was tricked to go smhw..
tt ahgong was on mc bt he still went,saying cux promised o le..

So we went for pizza at sm place deep inside near fifth ave,bukit timah?
then we went to cine for movie..
o they all deliberately drive so slow..
those handsigns the ahgong was teaching me in the car..
bef the movie we ps them let them two walk ard themselves..
while we jux sat outside cinema and wait..
and will nv forget tt ahgong was sitting so close beside me,like shoulder to shoulder,almost leaning..
nv forget those things tt ahgong was saying,asked..
saying he didnt want any rs nw cux he going overseas..and i tot tt was it..
tt devil related movie tt ahgong was smhw afraid of..
then went for shisha..
and they deliberately left us two..
tt gave us the chance to tk pics bec tt ahgong jux randomly took my ph n tk pics..
and so tt first pic of tt ahgong on my ph..
tt signature face pic..tt pic i used to cheer him up..telling him hw he look..
tt pic he know i like so much tt he helped me set as screen saver on our first time out alone..

and then tt ahgong drove me home for the first time..
tt ahgong nt gd w directions..so had to use gps and i had to help him hold his ph..
even w the gps we still missed an exit and overshoot..

tt time tt ahgong was jux a ec,tts y was so happy and cant forget of all those silly small things tt made me so happy..
Rmb so clearly of everything even up till now..
Bec tt ahgong was a ec..


one yr ago,this mon..
rmb went manicure w jean..even though we reached home ard 5+am bec of the outing..
and ended up,both of us were so cuix..
and tt day was smhw the start of random msging w tt ahgong..

he heard what jean they all always call me and still tried to call me gongzhu..
one of the things he said tt i rmb so clearly..
is when he asked if was out on a date..and i said was on date w gf..
and tt ahgong smhw said..when will it be his turn..
since he was a ec,when he said tt,of cux made me v happy..
and tt day,tt ahgong was saying about wanting to quit..
saying the job not rly his cup of tea..want more responsible team players,etc..
wanted ask agency if can quit..

but tt time,we werent rly close yet,and msging tt ahgong felt abit weird tt time..
and smhw felt tt ahgong was abit dao..


but who knows,what was coming..who saw what happened in the end..
we not only msged,but talked on the phone so much..
and became so close..
and it was something i never expected,never dreamt of..


because,having a ec becoming a bf,even if it was for one day,was the best thing that ever happened to that ahpoh..
and calling tt ahgong,'ahgong'..hearing him call me 'ahpoh' in his way of chi is sth i cant forget,sth tt is so sweet..

and it's sth tt will nv happen again..
how i wish i can hear it again..
i really wish..
but it can only stay as a wish..
a wish that will never come true..


one yr ago..12 sept,was a sun..
tt sun,chomp..tt crazy driving exp..
tt first midnight movie..tt first tau huay..tt 4 cars on the empty road in the middle of the night..tt first barrage..
rmb,at barrage,tt ahgong still pat my head,randomly..cant rly rmb why..
and frm tt day,saw tt glutton side of tt ahgong..tau huey,you tiao..
and saw he like to eat his tau huay plus those lian zi..

it was our first group outing..the beginning of the crazy series of outings..
the beginning of everything..
our beginning..

the day we got each other's number,the first day we spoke on the ph..
the first time we msged..
we didnt exchg num..we just go it like this..
bec o's ph had prob,cant call him..so used mine..
then aft tt,tt ahgong just msged and asked what time movie,etc..
and it continued..

watching f1 just nw,and seeing the preview showing last yr's spore f1 race..
there's the pinching feel in the heart..so pain..
i was thinking of the f1 wkend in spore last yr..
fri,sat n sun..was so great..
one of the best wkends..

it was one year ago only..
should i say time flies?
so what if time flies..it doesnt help much..
and one year later,everything changed so much..
my life one year ago was so much more diff..
the best time of my life..the happiest time i never imagined i'd go through..

but one year on,now..
i have to go through the worst period,day by day trying,fighting to overcome the pain..
trying,hoping that as each day pass,i'll slowly forget everything..
trying,hoping..

you'll never know how hard it is,if you never been through it..
don't tell someone you know how they feel,but at the back of ur mind,think otherwise..
when you really dont know how it's like..


tdy aft wk..met sotong shing to shop for aug babies presents..
and then later met other sotongs for movie..
and we first watched smurf at the cathay..
and then last min,decided to watch final destination at ps..
first time,watching 2 consec movies at one go..2 totally diff movies sm more..
still had wk bef tt,eyes were rly closing le..

first in smurf,it was ahma's crazy crazy laughter..
esp the ending,tt made ahma 'pui' out,and burst into laughter..
then in fd,sy's shouting n laughing kept us awake..
supposed to be scary bt she ended up grabbing me and cover here n there n keep laughing..
she was the one tt wanted to watch..
but ended up otw home,both she n shing got so scared and paranoid..
shing still msged,saying she on the escalator,v scared,have to hold on tight..hahax..
it was a great night watching movie..

but bef tt,at work..


always hoped tt mervin wouldnt ask what happened btw o and me..
tml's his bday..asked me to join them for celeb..
and i said i didnt want..
and he asked if its bec o's going..asked what happened..
and i said yes,it'll be awkward also..
another reason is of cux,tt guy is going also..
dont want things like last time to happen again..

so i guess,sometimes,things tt u want to avoid,u cant avoid forever..
so i just told him a little of what happened..

last yr,when we just went in..mervin was alrdy working there quite some time..
and he's o fren..so we smhw got to know him thru o..
he's smhw our senior and since he's o's fren,so whenever we have any prob,we'll ask him..

and he's like our big bro,always helping us,taking care of us smhw..
last yr,o was like our big sis,taking care of us also..
always concerned if we had any probs,esp when jean gt so upset,bec of her ldr..
she was always w her..talking to her..or even pei her drink,club..
she did more than what i did..
tts why i always try to tell jean she's a gd fren..why so angry w her..
why mk things the way it is now..bt still things ended up the way it is nw..
now,o still working there,bt of cux she isnt the big sis to us like she used to be..

so now,mervin's like my big bro in office..got anything he'll help..
always joke and play around..
and always like to pat my head,like i'm a small sis..
so i guess,talking to a big bro isnt tt bad..
and i guess if he know why i'm nt toking to o,then nx time it wun be so awkward also..

i just told him..
bef tt ahgong incident,jean shir werent rly happy w o alrdy..
then aft tt,they smhw blamed her a little..
and it all added up and things became v bad btw them..
like all those quarrels about so many other things..
and i also didnt know what to do..
told him i wasnt angry w her or wad,just rly dunno how to face her,handle the situation..stucked in the middle..
so just left it like tt..

always had a qns,wanted to ask those who were working the same time both tt ahgong and rox was there..
but nv got to ask anyone..feel so dumb to ask them,cux they'll noe wad happened..
and i see roch in office,dun rly dare to tok to him..and he also nv tok..
it's so awkward,cux i'm sure he knew everything tt time..
he joked about tt ahgong and me bef..and i'm sure aft tt he'll know tt ahgong n rox..
since their clique outcasted them..

so i got to ask mervin this time..
i asked him how's rox like..
like hw's her character,can i trust her..

i said,i didnt rly talk to her much bef,dont rly know her tt well..
and he just said,she's someone who does things without rly thinking through..
i think mervin isnt tt close to her also,to know exactly hw she's like..

so i guess it didnt rly help much,as to whether i can trust her words or not..
maybe mervin's wrong about her..?i dont know..
maybe he's right about her..?

all those she told me,could be bec she was rly angry w tt ahgong tt time,so she just tell them all out to me,to destroy tt ahgong..without thinking..
and then aft tt telling me not to tell anyone..so it may be true..
if not,i rly hope is this,is tt she just mk up this whole story and just wanted to destroy tt ahgong totally..
though i guess she had no reason to mk up the story..


i told mervin i believe all the things she told me,and none of my frens believe her words..
cause it's too crazy..
and i asked if i'm right to believe her like tt..


and mervin said..
asked me to trust myself..believe in what i feel..dun care what others think..
i told him my fren will all think i'm stupid to believe tt ahgong..
they will think i'm stupid if they know i'm still thinking all these,cant forget..
and he just said,rly just trust urself..whether u believe tt ahgong or not..

but i doubt myself so much,whether am i rly stupid,or simply blinded by all the perfectly stitched lies by tt ahgong..

i told him i really trust,believe tt ahgong isnt so bad..
i asked if he saw how tt ahgong's like at work,how he does his work..
how can he be someone so bad and change so much..
when we even discussed so much about it when we werent tgt yet..
even talked about waiting till aft he grad..and all the things he did..
he cant be so bad..really..

but i also believe all the crazy things she told me..
cause i dun believe she can mk up such a big story and lie to me..
why will she lie to me..so i trust her,believe her also..
believing her story shd mean tt i accept tt the ahgong is a vvvv bad guy..

and yet,i still trust and believe tt ahgong isnt bad,deep inside..
so isnt it contradicting alrdy..shd be so clear to me,what kind of person he rly is..
then why cant i let go of it yet..cant forget tt ahgong,even for one day..


and he asked,if i still like him..
the ans is obvious,if nt i wont be talking to him about this ah..

i said,all my frens think tt ahgong rly is a bad guy..
not bec of rox story,bt bec of what tt ahgong did to me..
for telling me so much,making so much promises and yet..
and they all looked at me tt time,like i was so stupid,so crazily blinded..
and it was so painful,bec they didnt rly understand..
when it was so unbearable tt time,and i had to talk to them,i knew what they were thinking inside..how they werent rly happy about me nt letting go..
if i could hv hv kept it all inside me..i wouldnt hv talked..
and ended up,they have to see me tt way..
i rather i keep it all inside,and go crazy..and not want them to see me in tt way,and said all those things..
but i wasnt strong enough then..


talked until i teared..and i still quickly turn away..
talked quite awhile until he had to kp 'refreshing' his wrap up..
but still,big bro just cont to tell me to believe in myself..trust my feelings..
and said,if it's meant to be,it'll be..
asked if i'll wait..
how to..when i never got a proper ans to all those rubbish..
when he shd hv a gf there alrdy..
if i were to,how will my frens see me..

told him,i'm so dumb to be stucked so long..and it's going to be one yr alrdy..
why i so dumb still cant let go when tt ahgong also wont be affected anymore,guys can get over v easily..

and he said,not dumb..
said he took 1yr+ to get over one of his ex also..
keep saying trust my heart,ignore what rox said..
can i,is it so easy..
i can nv forget the things rox said..cant tk it tt its nt true..
and till now,thinking of the things she said about tt ahgong still scares me,disgust me..
but i rly wish it isnt true..


they all used to see tt ahgong as a good guy,so sweet,thoughtful..happy for me..
why didnt they stand by tt thought..
and i'm the only one left,standing by it,sillyly hoping tt one day,i'm right..
tt ahgong rly wanted to be better and to be well for those tt matter..

tt ahgong said before..
said he'll stand by tt ahpoh..
but he walked away just like tt..and cut her so deep..
but yet,tt ahpoh still stupidly seem to just keep staying there,standing right at the same spot..
hoping tt one day,maybe,tt ahgong will turn back,will rmb his promises..
those promises tt meant so much..

ahgong,u said bef..
'i dont want you to be unhappy,i want you to be happy forever..'

but why say that,and then end up be the person to mk tt ahpoh so unhappy all these time..
why say that,and then did all those to hurt me and cut me so deep..
it's so ironic..it's so dumb..

why make promises when u nv intended to keep to them..
why bluff urself to mk empty promises,why lie to me..
why break them one by one..


went back work ytd..
and saw a email from tt guy who look like tt ahgong..
and he was asking for my fb..still ask me msg him at his num and tell him..
i'm so sianded..

aft wk tdy,went w sis for haircut..
and then we still went to meet mum n uncle for dinner..
even when my eyes were closing..
bec kaikia's there..

wanted the day to be packed..
so i can go home and go to slp straight..

went down to orchard..walked ard and had dinner..
and then went to ps..
orchard to ps..
as i sat in uncle's car,saw the outside fountain area of taka..
tt place where we walked past..where tt ahgong asked if he could smoke..
tt fountain place where we sat at..
tt place where tt ahgong saw all those branded shops,and asked which i like..

orchard to ps..
tt stretch of road we past by..
313,cuppage,then ps..
and in ps itself..
our first date,first movie..
our first day..
my happiest days,in ps..
and funnily,watched movie w 2 other guys at ps too..
i know them longer than i know tt ahgong..
they were good guys..better guys?
but,tt ahgong is the one tt touched me the most..
and make me rmb all these for so long,even when he's the one i knew for the shortest time ever..

it's still hurting up till now,everytime i pass by those places..
smtimes,i rly wish memories can be erased..
but yet,i treasure those memories so much..
i dont wish to forget..so ironic..
bec part of it are my happiest memories so far..
but it's so pain to be reminded of them..
thinking why were we so happy then,everything was so perfect and going well..
how did things changed so suddenly..
how could things have changed so drastically..
how did tt ahgong changed and seemed to become someone i never knew..


Today's 04092011..
Happy 23rd birthday,Ah gong..




Last year,tt time,we just barely knew each other..
but i still got to know tt ahgong's bday by chance..
bec his bday wanted off and he asked to swap off day..
tt time he was being 'ec-ed' alrdy,wanted so much to help him also..
bt i had wk tt day, couldnt get off to go shings bday earlier also..
rmb tt day,cable billing team still had sm chalet also..jean n o went and kp asking me to go..
last time,the cable team was so much nicer and so fun..

last yr,we didnt rly know each other,but i could still wish him happy birthday face to face,one day in adv,thinking i was the first..
but another fren wished him first..
and tt ahgong still showed me his ic and driving licence,to show me he's born in 88..

this yr,i cant even send a msg or what to wish tt ahgong happy bday..
and i never ever got to get a present for tt ahgong..
when we got tgt,was so looking forward to celebrating our first bdays tgt..
what to make and get for tt ahgong..
but i guess i sillyly thought too far..

i thought for so long whether i shd send him a msg or what..
but i didnt want to wait for a reply tt will nv come,or just a cold reply..
so i guess i can only wish him here..

and secretly on fb..aghb..
Ahgong,happy birthday..


why am i so silly to want to wish tt ahgong happy birthday even when he did all those things..
why rmb his bday..when he didnt rmb mine,didnt wish me or anything..

last yr,the day aft his bday,sun..
went chomp w jean and o was working..so we dabao for her n go back office..
and jean dabao for her ec also..and we bought extra drinks,for other frens and tt ahgong also..and told him we bought extra..
asked him how he celeb..and tt ahgong said his bday he just went out for dinner..
and i still tried to ask is it w gf..and he said dont have,is w family at vivo..
and since he didnt rly seem to be v close to them,i guess tt ahgong didnt rly hv a great bday last yr..
and his fb dun hv his bday,last yr not many of his frens wished him also..

and tt day,we got to get free ride w those working late shift ppl taking taxi home..
and we shared one w tt ahgong..
tt first and only taxi ride we shared..



this yr,tt ahgong's overseas,celebrating his first bday there..
rly wish tt ahgong hv a great bday there w his frens..
thought his frens may not know when's his bday..
so i still stupidly msg tt roomie of his tt i msged bef..
and asked if he know tt ahgong's bday..
wishing tt they'll know,so they can celeb for him and let tt ahgong have a good and happy bday this yr..
even wanted to get sth and send to tt roomie and ask him to give ahgong saying is he buy de..
but so scared tt ahgong will qns,and guess shdnt rly bother his roomie so much..
feel so bad to msg his roomie,like troubling him or what..

but i guess its so silly to get sth for tt ahgong also..
so scared,his roomie might tell him or what..
from the first time i msged him,told him not to tell tt ahgong..
and he said he wont say a word..but still so scared he'll talk to tt ahgong about it..
and make me feel so dumb for doing all these..
so scared if tt ahgong know,he'll just send a msg and ask me not to do all these stupid things again..

and i guess, that ahgong will have a great bday w them..
the clique he's so close w,and tt girl,or gf i guess..
i guess that's all tt matters to him now..
and i guess everything's great for him over there now..

why so stupidly worry for him,for someone i totally shouldnt be worrying or thinking about..
someone who doesnt care about you anymore,having a happy life over there..
what can i do..i cant dont think or worry..
even when i try so hard to tell myself everytime,everyday,that he's a bad bad bad guy,that isnt worth me like tt..
but it still doesnt help at all..
nothing helps..


still went back for ot tdy..on a sunday..so dumb..
and it'll mean no off for 11 days..

and aft wk went for breadtalk's friend baby full mth tdy..
her baby was supposed to be due in early sept..
in the end,her baby,jayden came out one mth earlier..04082011..
was so surprised when she told me she gave birth le,so early..
why not one mth later,and he'll hv the same bday as tt ahgong..

and aft tt,still met sotongs for dinner at strictly pancakes..
and sotongs all got so scared of pancakes..

what a long day..
i wish evday would be like this..tiring myself out to the max..
so i can go home totally exhausted,and lie on the bed and fall aslp immediately..
so that i got no time at all,no energy at all,to think of and miss that ahgong..

but i dunno how long more i can hang on,cause it's rly rly so tiring,so draining..
sometimes,i rly feel like giving up..
but i'm more scared of the pain than the tiredness..


last yr this sat..
It was 04092010,it was tt ahgong's bday..
Rmb tt ahgong said he took off for nth..
And i had wished tt ahgong happy bday one day in adv..

And shing had her 21st bday celeb at pasir ris chalet..
And we saw how happy she was..
With her happy family,her cute dad n mum..

One yr ago,everything was still so perfect and happy for her family..
but now,this yr her bday must be so different and so hard for her..
so crazy how one yr,or rather,a couple of mths,could change their life so much..
taking their dearest daddy away from them..

shing msged tt day..telling me say she dun wan to celeb her bday this yr..
saying not v nice to celeb..
telling me how its going to be so diff w/o dad to celeb w them..
saying she keep thinking of dad evday..
telling me its like falling out of love,everything she does reminds her of her dad..
still tell me mux treasure my parents,bring them out for dinner or what..

always see her words and feel so pain,so helpless,dont know how to help her..
can always tell her the same thing,saying tt daddy chan is up there looking down and taking care of them all..
saying tt daddy chan will want her to be happy also and have a gd bday too..
and tts all i could do to help her..
i wish i could do more,but i cant..


auntie vic came to pick me up aft my driving..
want to bring me go 'dou feng',since she just got her licence not long..
and mama neo havent rly let her drive out herself,or w frens..
so tt day,mama neo was w her..
and we pei mama neo for early dinner,and auntie vic managed to persuade her to drive on her own,without mama beside..
even though when vic say ah pek know how to drive also,ask her dun wry..
mama neo said,blind leading the blind~hahax..
but she still let us try for our first time..

so tt was auntie vic's first first time..
and i'm so honoured to be the first,BUT yet so stressed!!
we let mama neo went for house viewing first..
then went ikea for awhile and went back to pick her and sent her home..
bef going out for the night,all on our own..
it was a crazy experience,cause we ended up keep getting horned,esp taxis..
and it was so stressful,to have to help look out also..
if not later anything happen,i'll hv to be responsible also..
and we did have some dangerous encounters..rly crazy..
and we were rly bad at directions,keep going in circles and missed turns,and keep going the long way even when we used the gps..
and dumbdumb gps kept giving wrg directions and also so last min then give us instructions..
but still we managed,slowly learning..


told auntie vic about shing,and we decided to go santouka and give shing surprise..
sotong shing gave us some much food,more than what we ordered..
and ended up got nagged by some china girl..
and we were angry too,cux she ended up keep staring at us..
like we go all the way there for free food,no money to eat..
just told shing we can pay for it,dun wan the dumbdumb china woman keep staring..
irritating..
then shing just ignore her and ended up didnt want to go wk for one week..hahax..

sotong shing was so happy when we stepped in..
saw her so excited and smiling like tt..
i know how she feels..
i know her smile is smhw forced..deep inside it's hurting..
but at least she smiled..
tt's all we can do for her..to make her smile more,day by day..


aft tt,auntie vic wanted to fetch sis..
so from clark quay,we wanted to go cathay..
its like just so near only..but ended up we took like more than 30 mins to get there..
casue of the traffic and of course,we didnt know the way again..
kept turning and turning..dunno which turn to turn into..though we know its so near..
and we would have reached there faster if we took the mrt instead..
and in the end we could only stop at the road right infont of ps..
auntie vic sis was waiting at the bus stop right infront..
and bec of the railings there..she had to run all the way back and down again,bef she can get on the car..

so that was our first crazy driving experience..




it's exactly one more month..
to that day..02102010..
and 2 more days,to tt ahgong's bday..

one year ago..
everything in my life was still soooo perfectly simple and normal..
and i never expected my life to change so much,in the subsequent weeks that came..
and i never expected my life could be so wonderful,so perfect,tt period of time..
the best time of my life yet..

and it was all because of a stranger..
sometimes,just one stranger can bring great meaning to your life..
but you'll never know which will and when will it happen..

he was supposed to be just another 'passer by' in my life,someone i duno,but will just see at work..
that's all.
but bec of tt customer..
things totally changed..
we crossed each other's path..
and eventually walked on tt same path,on life's long journey..
wishing that we'll be able to walk this journey,with each other by our side..

tt ahgong said he'll stand by tt ahpoh..
why say it,when you never intended to keep your words,or i guess you cant even rmb what you said..
why say it,when you never ever mean it..

if you thought of it,and said you'll stand by them..you'll rly mean it..
cause it's like such a big promise smhw..
if u didnt mean it,didnt want to do it,if you're nt serious,how could u have said it out..
so why say it out,when u never ever wanted to keep to it..
maybe u're just a great liar,saying things so easily..
promising so easily,and it doesnt hurt u at all when u break promises..



and in the end,it seems tt ahgong went back to being a stranger again..

meeting and getting to know a stranger isnt difficult..
but letting go of someone tt meant so much to you,and let him go back to becoming a stranger is the hardest thing ever..
esp if tt stranger changed your life forever..
cause not all strangers you meet will bring such great significance to your life..


We always meet so many strangers in our life,but you'll never know when one will change your life forever..

An unexpected surprise,an unexpected moment,an unexpected stranger,can just pop out and change ur life,forever.
When u least expected it.

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