And so, results was out on April fool's..and i wished it was the worse joke..but it wasn't..
and we all have to face it..
everything was confirmed and it was not good..
mum have to go for the operation definitely..
the only good thing was luckily it was discovered early,still the early stage, after removing and going through therapy, everything should be fine..

but still, it was the worst day ever..one i can never forget..it felt so unreal..
i was never ever prepared for a day like this..
dad didnt even dare to go in with us to hear the results..
only sis and i went in with mum..and we just stood behind her..
and when the doc said the results are not good..our hearts just sank..
and i just kept looking at mum..
it was like she just had a blank look..she didnt cry yet..
but i know how sad she must feel..from that look on her..
for a woman to accept it and to go through such an operation, how hard would it be..
how pain would it be..everything would be different aft the op..

i know i cant cry also..tears welled up again and again but i tried so hard to hold it back..
it was the hardest thing ever...
and when the doc asked mum to lie down to check on the wound from the small op..
behind the curtains, we heard mum started to cry..and the doc kept telling her it'll be fine,mei shi de..
hearing mum crying, it was rly rly rly so xin tong, esp when we cant do anything...
and i had to try even harder to control...
the first time mum rly cried like that infront of us...
kept telling myself cannot cry infront of her or it'll make her more sad..
we must be stronger and pei her go through this....

then doc started explaining everything...showed us pics..
even though bec its early stage, mum can just remove partially..
but doc say other than the one small lump, there are some white spots also..
so the first op, docs will try to remove all the 'infected' parts at one do..
but after removing, they still have to further examine and see if other areas are affected, esp the lymph nodes..
and if 'infected',mum have to go through op again to entirely remove all infected parts..
the doc explained if lymph nodes were removed, how it'll affect mum..
saying, next time, her left hand movement may not be as good, may get swollen easily, and if injured or what,must take extra care,etc..
hearing all these was just too 'scary' and overwhelming...like mum have to go through so much..

on top of that, aft the operation, aft mum recover from the op..
she'll still have to go through 6 weeks of radiotherapy, 5 days a week..
after that, and still most prob have to go through chemo and physio also..medication..
and doc advised the side effects from chemo..loss of hair....
almost break down hearing all these...

because seems like the op was just a small small part..
after the op,mum still have to go through a long long process..
and i know i have to be there with her..
i was so scared..
thinking how to go through with her without crying infront of her for this long long journey to recovery..
i was so scared whether the treatments will be painful,will mum be able to take it..
rly rly rly so xin tong..

rly wished i am the one suffering rather than seeing mum go through all these..
and see how depressed she is..
it's so hard...

relatives were all waiting and asking about the results..
and i know telling them was yet another hard thing to do..
so i went out,called aunt and told her all that doc said..
and silly me broke down after controlling the whole day..
telling aunt about that long treatment process just made me lose it..
telling her scared mum pain and xin ku..rly v xin tong..
and i just teared walking on the streets on the phone, and ppl looked at me...
but i just cant hold it back anymore..
it was rly rly pain..
and i didnt know what to do..how to face sth like that..to be brave infront of her..
it was so hard...
i wished it was just a bad nightmare..

of course, this hit us all hard..
auntie,uncle,esp grandma..
it came too suddenly and we were all not prepared at all...
but whole family, still trying to be happy and normal and giving mum the best support...
and family support have been rly impt throughout..
happy because it seems, our family bond grew even stronger after this..
esp dad and mum are back talking..

but still,this was yet another hardest period of my life,after that ahgong incident 2yrs ago..

had to go on aussie trip with this news, then meeting up with tt ahgong, and that friend incident..
all came at one go...
3 crazy things all came tgt...
i almost couldnt take it anymore..
it was so hard...

i kept thinking why am i so unlucky..
why bad things keep coming...
what wrong did i do to have to go through all these time after time..
ppl say go through these lessons to learn..why  have to learn through such things..
why still not enough...
but why others around me seemed to be fine and dun have all these rubbish..why me..
i was really tired..
and yet, as the eldest at home, i couldnt collapse..and its even more tiring....
i have to be with dad and be strong...
i know dad's putting up a front also, keep saying mei shi de..


and on that day we know the results..
i have to realise that seems like tt ahgong 'unfriend' me on fb already..
bec it cant be me 'unfriending' him..so it must be him...
my heart rly rly sank..
i dont know why he did it..but i guess he thought by doing that i'll give up le...

and that day rly was the craziest day...


and i cant believe that when i first heard of the news that mum's possibly sick..
the first person that came to my mind, that i wanted to talk to was that ahgong.......


i can never forget that scary phone call with aunt telling me, talking to me in that serious tone, telling me to be prepared, things are not good..
saying mum may have breast cancer...

it was like tears just flowed out....
it was like my mind rly blanked out, i didnt know how to react, except cry..
it was rly scary..those thoughts..what if those cancerous cells already spread...
what if it was the last stage..
what if it was like shing's dad...

it was crazy...
and i actually thought of that ahgong...and wanted to talk to him at that point in time...


but i know,i have to do this on my own,have to be strong on my own...

To be stronger, for those that matter, and brave this long journey...






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