my 200th post..
my 100th post was on the last day of alvls..
100 posts since then,and so much happened..
and i guess most of tt 100 posts would have tt ahgong in it..
i rly hate myself for being so useless..

saw small sugar donuts today..
couldnt resist and bought them..
rmb tt time working in sh..
office frens were buying those donuts from the opp bakery..
and we started buying as snacks too..
and there was this guy tt bought them and stuff them to me,ask me to eat..
bought muffin and left on my table,and drew a smiley face on my book..
there it was again..and i rly hate myself..

tt time i still haven met tt ahgong,didnt know him..
but soon,i got to know tt ahgong..
and i rmb buying donuts for friends,and offering him..
and gave him chocs bec always see him so stressed up..
aft tt,also saw tt ahgong bought the donuts to eat,tt glutton ahgong's table always seem to have food..
also,tt pokka coffee drink,the one tt i gt addicted tt time..
and one of the reason he said why he like tt ahpoh,was bec of how tt ahpoh always give him food..those donuts..

but one time,i rmb meeting jean for lunch..
tt time,where jean was talking to me,asking me..
telling me not to give up,must at least try once..
i said i will, i didnt wan to give up like tt..
but i wanted to give tt ahgong time to think himself first,dun say anything..
when i had sooo much to say inside,at tt time,like i cant do this all by myself,tt ahgong need to be ard too,and walk the journey tgt..
but i nv got the chance to say it..


then i went back to pei tt ahgong have dinner..
and otw back,he said had to help her buy the donuts..
i guess,there was nth then..
but..it all shd have started smhw ard there..
it's silly but i hated to think of it..
tt ahgong helping her buy those donuts..

i did tried..but tt ahgong gave up totally..for her..
it wasnt about me trying or not..whether i was confident or not..
it rly didnt matter..cux the outcome seem likely to be the same..
sometimes i wished i didnt say anything,didnt try at all,didnt tell tt ahgong all those things,why i want so much to do it..
i just wished,if only,tt time i didnt say anything at all..
when he decided,to cont be friends first..
and i'll just walk away like nth happened,like it didnt affect me at all..
like i didnt rly like tt ahgong,tts why its so easy for me..
if only i did tt,and pretend tt i didnt like him,maybe he would be the hurt one and not me..
and i wouldnt have made it so clear to myself how much i like tt ahgong by msging him those heartfelt words..
and the most impt,is maybe i wouldnt be so hurt,painful..


i'm so scared to get a job..
i'm so scared that as each day pass,it's closer to those days,one year ago..
one year ago,tt period of time,i was so happy..
but now,i'm still trying to cover those wounds..

one year ago,last time this year,the four of us,are happily working there..
going out tgt..playing,enjoying our hols..

it's so fast..going to be one year soon..
one of my friend got attached around one week bef us,last year..
and up till now,every mth,they wish each other,happy hw many hw many mths..
it's going to be happy 1yr soon for them..
and for tt couple in the office tt ahgong and i say we're faster than them..
also one happy mth aft another..
and also soon 1yr..
and sotong xh too..
it's just so easy for everybody else..




~我觉得自己好没用，常常守不住握在手里的东西。
所以，一旦失去，我也只能认输，只能后悔，一点办法也没有。~

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